Friday, October 26, 2007

The power of forgiving


People have often asked me how I can still smile and demonstrate kindness to those who have wronged me in such a convincing manner. My response is, "I am convinced that they are deserving of my kindness." Most times they will shrug and walk away. Some will give me a look that says yeah right, like you mean that... some will even thing that I am terribly sly and can act very well. Some however will look me in the eye, think for a moment and then ask what I mean.
You see, the thing is that when we refuse to forgive people we hold on to them. We carry them along like a heavy burden that poisons our soul and festers our spirit. Forgiving them on the other hand, requires that you embrace all of them- their flaws, faults, wrongs against you and all. Once you have done that you accept them. Then you forgive them. Then you let them go. Quite like blowing a feather into the air you just let them/it/anger/hate/vengeance go. Just like that.
You take a deep breath and suddenly the world seems brighter, the air is sweeter and you are no longer burdened. It does not mean that the wrong doing or the hurt is undone. It just means that you can happily coexist with that. The bad that the person did to you no longer has the power to poison your soul. Your soul has laid that beast to rest.
It is almost like coating the anger hurt and pain with a soothing, enveloping balm of forgiveness so that the bad no longer stings you. Imagine a thorny bush. You really cannot sit on it can you? Now imagine covering the bush with a nice thick blanket. It is a lot easier to sit on the bush now that it is covered. The blanket does not make the bush go away... it just makes it easier for you and the bush to coexist. The anger, hurt and pain that someone caused you do not have to be deleted as a product of forgiveness. The forgiveness is just the blanket that makes it softer, easier, more bearable to live with it all.
Go ahead, forgive today. Lay to rest one ghost who causes you pain and anguish. Blow out into the wind one feeling that festers in your soul. Take a deep breath and step out into your fresh new life a happier, lighter person.
Free yourself...

17 comments:

fai said...

extremely aallaaa way of explaining a very difficult topic...!!!! :) tx.

Anonymous said...

"We carry them along like a heavy burden that poisons our soul and festers our spirit."

Absolutely right! But blanketing it under a "coating" of forgiveness? HUH! What better definition of fester is there? You present the ideal path:
"Forgiving them on the other hand, requires that you embrace all of them- ." and then you stop short of actually doing that by claiming that wrongdoing will always exist and the thorns are are still there!Don't get me wrong - I agree that "A is A" but do things fully or do not do them at all. "co-existing" is a far cry from "embracing them all" Nahin? One has to to either take the route of "self" where your quest is to lighten your own soul and strengthen/clarify your own belief system to the point where you are completely unaffected by external negativity. Or you can take the route of "turn-the-other-cheek" where your fundamental belief in goodness and the power of love affords you the inner strength of seeing - NAY - seeking only good in others with the conviction that good begets good. No matter what route, i believe the end point is the same essentially. You free yourself and you offer out the best chance possible for the negativity to be defeated - it'll fall flat on its face when there is no wall to bounce off.

No one said it was easy but if it is right then "A is indeed A babes".

Anonymous said...

..i think i am pretty much done with your blog - thanks for the ride - adios babes....a word of caution...encourage dissent - dont stifle it... and a suggestion: do a piece on "political correctness" - if nothing else that'll bring me back! Be sure to reference Gregory House.....gotta love the guy/character!

mo said...

Love that about you :) ... thank you for being you :)

Anonymous said...

Free yourself! You think is it that easy? I wish it has to be that easy as you expressed it :-)

Shahnaz said...

Sikander...

Yes believe me, it is that easy. Just allow yourself to stand in the other person'e shoes and understand that they were doing what they had to do. They have a right to be who they are and do what they want. The reason one cannot forgive is because we react to how the other person's actions make us feel. If we do not react, if we refuse to let our anger take over, we can forgive. And once we forgive we are free.

I have done it. And trust me I have forgiven some folks who have done some pretty heinous things to me. And I am happier for it.

Best of luck though!

Anonymous said...

If one is in their shoes and forgives entirely then does one not also stop being judgemental? Does one still refer to their acts as heinous? Where does one draw the line between subjectivity and objectivity?

Shahnaz said...

By forgiving you are not undoing the act itself. The act is still heinous. You merely cease to let it effect you. And you allow yourself to see their reasons for committing that transgression against you. It is not about objectivity or subjectivity.

The goal is not to undo the act, or to turn the person who transgressed against you into a saint. It is about freeing yourself fronm the control that you have allowed that act to have over you. That act is controlling you when you feel anger. Treat your thought like a behavior. The anger that results from that thought is also a behavior. Now modify that behavior, because guess what? Behaviors can be changed!

However, unless one really wants to change, change cannot occur. You have to really want to stop feeling bad/angry/sad about what has been done to you, and you have to work to change the negative cognitions you have associated with that. Only then can this work. If you are skeptical about your capacity to change, you have already decided that this won't work, either way you have to step up and take responsibility for how you are going to be, what you are going to feel and whether or not you want to change.

Anonymous said...

"unless one really wants to change, change cannot occur." seems obvious but thats the key to everything isn't it? For example were it not a religious edict, I highly doubt people would have thought themselves capable of Ramadan fasts let alone actually attempting such a endeavour. But they would have discounted the power of the will/mind.

Back now to the original analysis: Your assessment of their act is subjective: it may or may not have been "heinous" If it was indeed a "transgression against you" then it becomes an objective fact. You deciding to not let it impact you requires the first stage of self discipline - but your deciding to step into their shoes to analyze their motivation is taking this thing to entirely another level, where behaviour modification is not limited to ones own self only. By actually letting yourself fully understand their rationale and truly forgiving them you are empowering through your act of "forgiveness" (do not use this term loosely - if it is just your own behaviour you seek to modify then I dont really think this particular term applies) a real change. You will see in time that it will change "objective facts" as you see them - you might well be able to "undo the act"! If forgiveness has that power dont you think one should attempt to harness it? The first level of discipline that you refer to has to be the stepping stone but it is my belief that if you truly can do that, then you are already in the next stage - you yourself become the catlyst for change in others. I dont mean to be altruistic or soppy but I really think I believe this, because I have tried it and it works! What say?

Shahnaz said...

My dear curious:

I read your post several times and I am still as clueless as the first time around, in regards to what it is exactly, that you are trying to say. You seem to go both ways in this argument!

Secondly when you forgive someone, it is your own thought and behavior pattern that you are modifying. You are not changing the other, but rather how you will react to them and how you will feel about them and how you will relate to them.

Third point... you CANNOT change the world and people, but you can change yourself and how you will interact and relate to/with them/it.

Lastly, be a sport, anonymity provides protection- but if you are going to engage with me this persistently I would delight in knowing who I am sparring with.... otherwise it is just plain tedious.

Ciao

Shahnaz said...

Dear Curious

Thanks for sharing! Your privacy shall be respected, and I am truly grateful that you did reply to my last post.(your name makes you a person I can relate to.... Curious gets a tad irritating!)

Having a name to the person, be curious or anything else you wish. :P

However, never let either "greatness or significance be laid to rest" You have a fundamental right to be the best you, you can ever be. Rejoice in that. Be true to every last atom of ourself and do not let the drudgery of everyday get in the way of truly living. Life is fantastic, even the tumbles that come our way. Through it all make time to be who you once were and are still (though you may have forgotten it)

Hugs to a kindred soul
May life be yours again!

Anonymous said...

Theos Mou

I want to meet you one day
Heck, I’ll even
set aside my denial, of
your existence
Just so

I can ask you
What in heavens name
did I ever do
wrong by you?

I know forgiveness
is involved in
our meeting
..I just don’t know
who will be
doing it.

Feb 2008 new:)

Shahnaz said...

Is the "you" OMA???

Anonymous said...

Theos mou - Greek for "Lord/God of Mine" Greek - the language of tragedy :)

..nearest translation emotionally "Meray Allah/Meray Khuda"

Anonymous said...

loved this piece. you wrote well and thats true.
well its not as easy as we think, it requires a lot of courage and patience to forgive and embrace. but its true and the only way to be at peace

Razmataz said...

Yes shahnaz i absolutely agree that by forgiving you are merely preventing your own self from going into the shock or aftermath of "why did it happen to me?" "did i do something so bad that i deserved this?"Somethings just happen and according to a one of my aunties she says only people harm each other else God always does everything for the better!
This aunt had 3 sons and one was murdered at age of 27 by some rivals near his village of Abbottabad...but she has gotten over and forgiven them by saying that " theek hai Allah nay mayra aik beta bula liya ,laikin shayad jo ajzi ab mayray maih hai ,varna main nay 3 beton(sons) ki man na kitna zameen par akar kar chalna tha!" i guess you will get the cultural perspective behind it too...it seems very hard that she has battled through such times and still managed to find peace in such a way.this casual quote of hers stuck to my mind and often haunts me in melancholy..hence, everything happens for the better!So forgive for your own self if not for others..

Ali said...

"S"......now this makes you a difficult person to be