Sunday, March 23, 2008

Restlessness



Ever felt unsure? Restless...? With the mind churning and yet unable to focus on a single thought? Your every thought consuming... of them. A feeling of getting so close that you fear you may lose yourself in someone? Ever felt vulnerable? Ever felt confused? Ever felt that you need to run so fast just so you can be still? Ever had your past come crashing into your present? Ever felt like your present just did not realize that it had to hold on to you so tight so you would not get lost in the past? Ever felt like you had to be needed. More than anything else. Right now. Right this moment. Ever felt that if this moment was lost that there would never be another quite like it? Ever felt that time was passing by, but the person had far too many commitments. Ever felt that the "one" in your life was letting everyday get in the way of making memories with you. Ever felt that they did not see it? Ever felt that they lost precious moments? Ever felt that they were so intent on getting somewhere with you that they just forgot to be there with you, right now, right this moment? Ever felt that they lost you over and over again- while you sat by helpless and wished they would not? That they would just reach out and get you. Ever felt that they missed a moment when you were there 100%... only they were not there to see you there, because they were elsewhere, when they should have been here with you. Ever felt like if they were here you would be theirs just for the asking. Yet because they are not... the moment passes... Ever felt that?

Have you ever felt that?

(the picture is one I sketched just a few moments ago...)

9 comments:

sista said...

“Ever felt like you had to be needed. More than anything else. Right now. Right this moment.”

“…that they would just reach out and get you… you would be theirs just for the asking”

If I did not know you, I would know all there is to know to love you as I do from what you write above alone. I don’t love Shahnaz; I have never met her/you, don’t know her/you! But anyone who can feel life with a thoroughness of a lover, who can express it with an urgency that comes from the naked, vulnerable, intensity of the experience (just feeling is a subversive act/ expressing it is rebellious - Jeff Buckley)..…how can you fail to respond – to love in turn?

Ever felt that the best words are those that are not needed? Ever felt that the best communication is a look….that some moments are sheer madness and therein lies their entire reason, their indescribable beauty? …that sometimes it is the now, here … just turn!...just do it…don’t think… don’t ask…now...and that heartbeat missed is a magnificent waste that cannot be made up?

And the answer to your question is …oh yes.

…I don’t even think to ask my present to realize anything…. but I hope someone, something, somehow holds you so tight that you can lose your restlessness in its embrace….and then you in turn, go and hug your past and embrace it…..it is as much yours as any goddamn present or future.

…and friend of a sista…..never knew you were an artist. That is pretty damn good, man!

Shahnaz said...

Darling sista!

I so needed that affirmation right now. I cried reading your response. I am at a place where I am so vulnerable and confused... and very little seems to be going right.

I know I am a good person, likable even. I believe I am wholesome and have strength of character and integrity...

I too hope "that someone, something, somehow holds me so tight that I lose my restlessness in its embrace."

And regarding the art...thanks. I guess emotion comes out in both my writing and my sketching...

Love you so much sista. Dunno what I'd do without you as a sounding board on days like this.

HUGE HUG!
I needed that.

sista said...

...isn't it a "man" thing?...men, as opposed to women, see themselves as these big planners and "in control" beings....it is so inherently deluded is it not, always thinking you have control, and life needs to be "planned" all the time as opposed to just being lived?

Women being (essentially) passive in nature, find more kinship with life and more wisdom if you will. They are not forever either locking horns with fate or wanting to be babied for their battle wearied selves/egos! HA HA!

(This is a point in context and not a venting against things masculine...)

anyway, I am thinking of a perfect epitaph to this post that comes from a throughly cheapo punjabi Noor Jehan song but...in deference to the owner of this blog... I will resist the temptation (alas!)

Shahnaz said...

@Sista...

I need a HUG...
:(

sista said...

...you dont need a hug ..you need to join me in a rousing rendition of...

An Ode to "All The Jerks We've Loved Before"!

You take care kiddo...easy...

GUH (reverse hug)

Anonymous said...

MP says the feeling is mutual...

Anonymous said...

you sketch so well!

cspkhan said...

@@@shehnaz
hi this is majid khan...when i saw u first in abc....i was 12 yrs old at tat time....but i like u since thn...usi waqt se ma ap ko dil hi dil ma chahne laga par srf ye kehta ta ke ap se zaror meloga...koi ghalt khyal se nai chaha ap ko....agar muj se koi kahe ke tumahre zndagi ma sab se imp person kon ha to ma ap ka nam lo ga...plz es par khafa mat ho...aor inshallah ek den ma ap se zaror melo ga.....plz dont mind this post...bas ma ap se kise tara se bi koi na koi relation chahta ho...aor sab se acha rishta dosti ka ha...aor ye mera ap se ha.....
tke cre...may allah bless u...may Allah gve evry happines u want...

cspkhan said...

hi i majid khan....evry time i hear this voice frm my heart...
May allah gve u evry happineis of tis world..may Allah gve u paradise on earth....bt i alwys asked my heart....and he replid that i love her more thn u.....and more thn tis world...
plz dont mnd tis scrap...but tis is true....when i saw u first in abc...i was 12 yrs old nd seriously invoved wid u wid soft and pure feelings......bt plz dont mind it.....no one hve force on their heart.....so plz always happy....kuke ap khuh ho gi to ma bi ho...be always happy...aor koi gham b ap ki zndagi ma na aye......