I bawled today... like a baby, at length, in front of people! The crux of being a counselor in training is the excessive self evaluation that one must suffer through. I am exhausted most days and yet the torrent of awareness seems to be never ending. I am not one to be emotionally demonstrative in public. The Brit in me takes care of that. It is therefore quite perplexing that I felt no shame in today's display.
On the contrary, I felt a remarkable sense of peace. My mind lay still. Normally I need to jump out of a plane at 18000 feet and plummet to the ground to experience that state of extreme peace and emptiness while being completely aware and present. I felt so good.
Which make me wonder... what is strength? Remaining stoic and composed while your world is falling apart around you. Or having the courage to say, "Here I am, this is what I am dealing with and I am doing the best I can."
Today, in the midst of my tears I felt strong. I was also terrified. But this is my growth. In the words of my friend Cathy, "The bulb spends a majority of time under the earth where it appears that nothing much is happening- but there is... and when it finally blooms, the progress is there for all to see." That my friends is growth.
I generally feel that I am a most flawed human and have a hard time affirming my successes... but today a friend said to me, "I don't see you as a mess. I see someone who has made significant progress". Interesting that I need to view myself through the eyes of others in order to see myself. I can see others clearly, but am completely blind when it comes to me. I will take my friends' point of view at face value and say I believe you. Because today, I too saw my strength. Not in the composed, withheld and stoic way, but rather in an honest, real and vulnerable way.
I was strong today.
13 comments:
Awwww ... HUGS
I should visit you :)
Hi Shahnaz
U r absolutely right, one must try to look from the others eye. Thats the true picture because u will never be able to realize that u r wrong, its only others who can see that. This goes to the other side as well at times one gets in to the state of self pity and starts thinking that he or she is the most flawed human but usually its not true. And of course how can u be the most flawed human , after all some people still have that real crush on u.
Well this was the lighter part and i am sure u dont mind these flirting remarks of mine.
Best of luck and have a nice day.
Take care
I generally feel that I am a most flawed human and have a hard time affirming my successes.
It takes some real courage to say that Shahnaz!
I am angry – this much I know! What I am not sure of is if it is jealousy at your having found relief and strength or if it is a much more justifiable anger at what I like to call “All American Stupidity”.
I am instinctively and strongly averse to and repelled by Americans slapping their “affability” their “y’all folksiness” their “loudness” onto everything and everyone.
There are still things you don’t do in public…things that are sacred or simply…dare I say the word…“private”. We don’t have orgasms in public and we, in most instances, do not bawl in public either. Shahnaz, I am not criticizing you at all here because I am in no position to! I don’t know the circumstance or the reason or the vibe of the moment you describe herein – and if you found it therapeutic, I am glad and, knowing your intelligence and standards, I am sure it must have had value for you to have found some!
I guess I just don’t buy into this notion of therapy and counseling being the solution to what ails society and its citizens. Pray tell what begets the dysfunctional society that begets these problems and therefore the need for these highly glorified and predominantly futile solutions? Has this mammoth of a “Industry” – that’s what it is now- paid back into society inducing real change or is it providing just quick-fix orgasmic relief, much like the world’s oldest profession?
Again, Shahnaz, it just might be that I am A.N.G.R.Y at someone or something and just plain jealous, therefore all this “telling offense”. So what’s a session with you going to cost me?
@Mo...
I have you open in my chat window.... and we are doing lunch?
I think...
:P
Thanks Manan...
I felt courageous. And it feels really nice to hear you say that.
@Danyal...
The point is not about whether I was right or wrong... but about trusting myself, and accepting myself as I am and being flawed and being vulnerable and being okay with all of it. The point is I have always had to be perfect at everything.... and I am ready to stop being perfect and start being simply...ME.
And thanks for having a crush on me ...hehehe.... despite my flaws.
I don't know you but I appreciate your sentiment. I have had some major whopping crushes in my life and I enjoyed everyone of them!
Ahhhh...the good old days!
@Sista
I believe 'tis jealousy you feel darling..and then anger for feeling jealous and then even more anger because you want to be able to just sit down one day and do the same thing. Just say it all...lay it all out there.... have a good cry over the losses and cannot haveness and then once it is all said and done, just leave it all there- behind, and being able to walk away......
light...
and free....
You'll get there. I know you will.
I did.
So can you.
Keep being true to yourself. And remember when you do it- do it in a safe place with people who trust you and love you and will never ever betray that trust.
I am here to listen if more is coming my way.
Love ya sista!
PS: A session with me shall cost you exactly one cup of steamed milk!
@ Shahnaz
Dear Counselor,
• jealousy, anger and then anger….that’s pretty much bang on the money.
• “I believe 'tis jealousy you feel darling” – the use of the endearment at this juncture/context is condescending darling.
• I’ll be light and free? I’ll get there? (as if I am holding myself back somehow?) …give me credit! I am neither unintelligent nor a masochist…neither foolish nor a coward.
• There is no such place and no such people.
• You very conveniently sidestepped the slime I threw at your profession….why am I not surprised!
• Surely we’ll have that cuppa someday.
@ Sista
Ahahahaha! We know each other far too well to be condescending or doubt to other's intelligence or situation.
"I am neither unintelligent nor a masochist…neither foolish nor a coward.
There is no such place and no such people."
But you do hold back....just like I do. Only this time I did not. I let it out. In a group of friends who nourished me and supported me. Who were not going to judge me and who were close enough for me to do it with, and yet distant enough to where it would not be awkward.
Sort of like you with me....
Close enough to divulge pertinent information, yet distant enough to where it will not infringe on your space and surrounding....
We all need that. Because somethings just need to be said. Out loud. Because they need to be heard- by someone or something.... be that an empty chair or a rock that grows.
Or even the friend of a sista... who listens and accepts and supports and does not judge. Because we all need that.
And darling that is not condescending.... it is merely caring for each other's soul
@Sista
As far as the slime at my profession goes....
In the past few months I have seen myself grow by leaps and bounds into who and what I am proud to be. I have also seen others who hold back and doubt and therefore they stand still. The profession is only helpful to those who want to be helped. Who are willing to take that risk. The risk to grow and change...to step out of the comfort zone of knowing who and what we are now... and allowing the uncertainty and "not knowingness" while we are being rediscovered and growing.
YES. I am a firm believer in my profession. But only for those who want to change. It is work, and one has to be willing to put in the effort and take the risks. I have. And I am mightily pleased with my results.
@Shahnaz
Yes, we are, and really soon :)
Take care YOU!
You're doing great hon. Just keep taking those baby steps! Have come such a long way already :)
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