(Oil on canvas board... 11"x 14")
de·jec·tion (dĭ-jěk'shən)
-depression or lowness of spirits
-The act of humbling or abasing one's self
-Lowness of spirits occasioned by grief or misfortune; mental depression; melancholy.
"What besides, Of sorrow, and dejection, and despair, Our frailty can sustain, thy tidings bring. --Milton"
I painted this one in July 2007.... It was another one of those "paint my feelings" moments. When I painted it I did not feel this way... no.... rather I painted this one from a memory of that feeling.
Isn't it amazing how the memory of a feeling can be so strong. Etched forever in your mind.
I remember that night.
The night I felt this way, I lay like this on the floor in my bathroom, my body exhausted from the wracking sobs. I had cried for three solid hours straight. Alone in my torment, I was abandoned to suffer alone. I was miserable in my marriage... I had not spoken with my spouse for three months-yes three months, and we lived together in the same house! I had just gotten off the phone with my mother, to whom I related my desire to end my marriage. Only to be told that the idea was ludicrous and that I should grow up. No one understood my state of mind. I was locked in a bind, the vice of propriety and social pressure closing in on me... adamant to squelch a free spirit. That night, I lay on the floor and sobbed 'till there were no tears left and my soul felt empty. A couple of years later, during hajj, in the middle of tawaf, while I spoke with my God, I said to him,
"help me... I never want to feel like I did that night. help my torment reach a resolution... give me peace... give me closure... give me respite... help me..."
Hajj was in January.
In November my husband and I separated.
3 months later we were divorced.
Today I am free.
But the memory of the pain of that night, though dull and blunted is still there.
I painted this from that memory... of a pain... of a soul... locked in the cage of it's own demise... and silenced into unbearable suffering.
Yes, I remember that night.
"
4 comments:
Hi Shahnaz,
I am a regular reader of your blog.
On this article,I would like to say that this is indeed a very painful moment and many women go through it.Even my sister came to the states and she too was very unhappy in her marriage.So much so that my mother came to take care of her in the US.When she saw the situation at her home,she was very supportive and told my father that divorce was imperative.My sister is finally free and moved on. but the painful memories of the 1.5 yrs of the bad marriage still remain.
We look through storms, drift
beyond the years.
The soul would have no rainbow
Had the eyes no tears.
Kisses to the sweet dew
that lingered in her eyes.
Rising up, and making
the lovely blues of the skies.
and may no hurt come to my sweetie friend ... ever again
Trust me if the image wud nt been followed by ur textual description,I could get the feeling as had been through the same (reasons may b diferent,situation may be different).
Te be true,it chokes me simply as reminds me of the same I felt few time ,
I wish U & any every one may NEVER go through this ever .Aameen
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