Leap of faith....

In 1998, I was married. In 2000 I had my daughter. In 2004 I got separated. In 2005 I enrolled in school, I fought my battle in court and got divorced. I learned how to live on my own. In Summer of 2006 I had my heart broken, really bad. The torment of it continued through the year. In 2007 I vowed to move on. I did... big time... only to end up hurting someone very dear to me, pretty bad.

Devastated by what I had done and realizing what I had lost in the process I was numb. When fear seeks to engulf me, I fight back by facing fear itself. What terrifies me, I must conquer. In one such ritual, I jumped out of a plane at 18000 feet.

I was terrified, but I was gung ho about doing it. There was no doubt that I was going to go through with it. My mind was made up. All that remained was getting to that point. At the training center, after being processed, I proceeded to gobble up a king size snickers bar... to keep the hypoglycemia (and hence fear) at bay. The sugar rush wore off much before my turn to jump. Another 500 calories and giant size snickers bar later, I suited up and got in the plane.

The fear did not actually strike until I was the last jumper (trainer and filmer do not count!) left in the plane. The others had jumped at 12000! I remember saying my prayers. I was petrified. In the video I see raw and naked fear in my eyes just before I jump- but I smile. That is how I deal with overwhelming situations. I mask them and keep going.

I recall a vague sense of inevitability. A "This is it..." moment. This moment has occurred several times in my life. At crossroads. At times of great magnitude. The feeling is the same. Fear bordering on panic but my mind refusing to let panic take over. A conscious ripping away of my feeling state occurs, to give way to my defensive cognitive state. An awareness of what is to come. An acceptance of the inevitability of what must be. An embracing of that. And then the leap. A defiant "Bring it on!" I am ready. I take a deep breath and then I feel solidity leave my feet. There is a brief moment of tangible fear and not knowingness that is electric... and then the leap...the deafening silence...endless... for a second that lasts forever... and then nothing but elation.

Elation for a fear conquered. Elation for all the losses I have survived... smiling...retaining my optimism... and a sense of the beauty of life. Elation at being alive. Elation at feeling alive in this exquisite moment of experiencing 100% pure unadulterated life. There is a breathtaking sunset. The air is fresh and sweet. I am plummeting to the earth, free falling, flying, living, existing, at peace.

Life freezes as time rolls by. I am alive. I feel. I am at peace. In this moment there is so much beauty, and awareness, and freedom, and loss, and acceptance, and humility, and gratitude, and peace.... blissful, beautiful, elusive peace....

The parachute opens, and I float down content in my thoughts. Que serra, serra... what will be, will be. And I am content to let it be. I am comforted by the warmth of my blood, the beating of my heart. I am comforted by having. By having lived the past few minutes.

If given a choice, which would you choose? One moment of pure life, or a lifetime of mundane.

I chose the moment of pure life. I let go of control and embraced fear. I took the leap of faith. I believed. My life is a series of leaps. A series of moments of pure life. The mundane does not entice me anymore. The magic of having experienced purity, is that you can recognize it hidden deep within the mundane. It is there, just for the taking. Courage is all that is needed. A little courage and humility. To be able to let it all go in one fell swoop. To believe... To have faith... To leap... Over and over again... To leap.