Anonymity....

I have never been one to pussyfoot around stuff, and yet diplomacy, charm and a degree of decorum (read selfish yet sound reasoning) demands that I... well, pull my punches when delivering. Just the other day, in a private communication, Sista wrote to me- wouldn't it be great if you had an anonymous blog?

It got me thinking of all the stuff that I could divulge in such an instance. I grinned from ear to ear luxuriating in the wealth of stories that tumbled into my head. The shock value of some that would put the tabloids to shame!

Now there is very little about me that those nearest and dearest to me do not know about. I am transparent as a Windex cleaned window to some people in my life. And yet with others my real self is encased in a vault they seldom are even aware of.

But, yes I have to agree... to write anonymously would be uninhibiting. I keep silent not for me. I have long since battled my demons and faced every last bit of my self. I have indulged in self loathing and hatred and have long since forgiven and emerged nonchalant. There is nothing about me now that embarrasses me. I have accepted who and what I am. So why is it that I need the guise of anonymity?

I pondered over this a minute and realized. I do not care to expose the whole of me to just anyone. It takes a very special sort of humankind to completely accept and understand another human. And the only humankind capable of doing that is the humankind that is also as evolved in self acceptance.

You see when people see in us traits that they run from, hate and despise in themselves... they channel all that self loathing toward the object that reminds them of its existence in their own self. They then seek the revenge and destruction upon the objectification of that memory. That is why I choose to drop the veil only in front of self evolved people. Who has the time and energy to do battle with unevolved humanity. Why distress them? Why detract from your own purpose? It is a time-consuming, unrewarding and painful engagement I prefer to avoid.

"You can't handle the truth!" This line uttered by Jack Nicholson in "A few good men" never rang so true before this awareness. But still I am fortunate to have in my life "A few good humans" who know the transparent truth about me. No anonymity required. And "real" relationships are unfettered by diplomacy and decorum. There exists a fundamental understanding of truth and reality, no holds barred and acceptance- unconditional acceptance. For all else there is the suspension of disbelief.

That is the funny thing with relationships. I have all sorts of them with all sorts of people. Casual, purposeful, indulgent, masked, forced, and real- but never fake. I do not do fake. I just choose not to have one. Fake would imply pretence. I do not enjoy pretending to like someone I don't. I'd rather make it clear that I do not care for them and we can be civil and tolerant and respectful of each other's space. But I cannot pretend to be friendly. Life is too short to waste time on people I do not like. I hardly get enough time to spend with those I actually like. The suspension of disbelief in this case is that you pretend to believe you know me well.... and I do not correct you, the effort of correcting you is wasteful. You only know that which I expose to you. What you do with that is your choice but is certainly no fact. I expose a lot, but by no means is that everything.

One can choose not to expose fully, and that is our prerogative. We can have completely fulfilling and satisfying surface level relationships. In fact there are people who have never experienced the "let's get down to the bare bones" kind of relationship and are content simply with living on surface levels their entire existence.

For me. My "real" relationships go beyond the bare boned kind. We know and understand every atom and every instinct of each other. Those are the most earthy and fulfilling of my relationships. Those are my real existence. Anonymity there is a joke. There is no need for it. There is no need for anything. On occasion I will even meet someone with whom I will share an "encounter" only of complete reality. For that brief period, there is only truth- the bare boned, down to the last atom and element truth. Sadly it is becoming harder and harder to find those. But I take refuge in the solid real ones.

A few good humans in my life; I share that with them. And I know that we are a blessed few to have that.

Sista: I think we stumbled on a real encounter. I think that is how we became friends.