Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Of conversations and aching hearts...."I am a feeling doctor!"



If a heart can break and melt at the same time, mine did both last night. My one true love, my child, was miserably unhappy last night.

We had a little discussion last night and I was explaining to her why I would not do something... and her face crinkled up into an unhappy face. So I asked her to tell me what she was feeling. She stated that she "did not know!"

I recalled my skills class and how people sometimes cannot put words to their feelings and so I started out naming feelings, "angry, unhappy, sad, hurt..."

"HURT!" she said, "I feel hurt, because I think you hate me!"

My heart cracked wide open. I held her hands and looked her in the eyes and said, "I could NEVER hate you. You are a part of me. I love you so much. Just because I don't want to do something does not mean I hate you. I am sorry I made you feel that way. That was not my intention..."

"Will you please hug me." she stated simply.

I hugged her close and she burst into tears and out spilled stuff. She talked about aches and pains that an 8 year old has. She talked about difficulties in communicating with dad. She talked about pain at a broken home. She just talked. And all the while I held her close and rocked her gently and kissed her sweet little face.

When she was done, she looked me in the eye and said, "I love you so much mommy. Thank you for understanding."

My heart melted and I thought to myself, this little person, this tiny being is a mountain of courage. "I am a feeling doctor", I said simply. "It's what I do. And you make it easy... thank you for talking to me. It is the best thing you can do, to tell people how you feel and not be afraid to ask for what you want. I am proud of you..... Do you feel better?"

"Yes Mommy."

We had a chuckle after that and cuddled some more and she went upstairs to get ready for bed, taking her aching heart with her- while I scraped the pieces of my heart off the floor and tried to gather my thoughts."

I went up later to tuck her in. "Get into bed pumpkin, I'll just brush my teeth and be there in a minute", I said and headed to the bathroom.

"Mom, just to let you know, I talked with my dad..." she said, choking on a sob...

I rushed into her room, "And what happened?"

"He did not understand me..." She said and burst into tears. "He did not understand what I wanted to say..."

Her heart was hurting and mine just stopped beating. I held her close and debated with myself. Is this a counselor moment or is this a mommy moment? I don't know how but the right combination of both emerged and the right words came out. I comforted her and talked about how much her dad loved her and that even though he did not understand, she had expressed herself.

I felt a twinge of guilt- had my encouraging and praise of her open communication egged her on and resulted in this hurt?

"You know, even if he doesn't understand it, at least he'll think about it. And you can talk more about it later..." I comforted. She sobbed in my arms. Her tummy hurt from the stress and she was anxious to have the issue resolved. I took a deep breath and asked her if she wanted to talk with him again. She wanted to do it in person. She wanted to go over to his house and spend the night there and talk with him. I offered to call. I did and after giving a brief background handed her the phone. She asked me to leave the room so she could talk. I complied, and stood shaking in my room as she sobbed into the phone in her room.

There are few things harder than seeing your kids hurting. I kept repeating to myself that she needed to be able to talk to him on her own and prayed little prayers of courage for her. She hung up and I rushed in and hugged her close. We talked some more and I was awed by her eloquence in articulating her feelings. I felt shameless and fierce loving pride.

Then she got up and picked up a portrait of her father and I from her shelf. It was in a folding, studio cardboard frame. I turned it over and my heart turned to ice. Scribbled on the back were the words, "I miss my mom and dad together" and a heart with a jagged crack running down the middle.... and on the other flap, "It was better before".... in her childish handwriting.

I took a deep breath to still my pounding heart, and looked into her beautiful dark eyes. So many hurts, I thought, so many aches....

"Life is a tough thing isn't it sometimes?" I stated simply and honestly.

"Yes it is..." she responded equally simply and honestly.

Her dad stopped by to pick her up. Exactly thirty-five minutes later I called his place to talk with her. "Mommy I told him and he understood. I told him everything...!!"

"Do you feel better?" I asked. "I am so proud of you for being able to do this".

"I feel much better."

The rest on my night is a bit of a blur... A friend called, I let the voicemail get it. She wanted to invite me over to a luncheon.... I did not have the energy. I'll call her later....

__________________________________________________________

My kid came home today....
I hugged her. "So... how did it go?"

"Mommy, I talked with him and explained it all and he talked with me about it."

"And how do you feel?"

"I feel so...so strong!"

I laughed and hugged her close. The ice around my frozen heart melted right off.

I thought, "I am a feeling doctor..." "And it is a tough business..."

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

life is so complicated sometimes and the irony of it is that we turn out to be the culprits sometimes..
i really pray that God give you and ur daughter a lot of strength to get past these difficult times.

Anonymous said...

Shahnaz things going to be better soon! Bumpy ride is a part of life. Just don't loose the grip, give her time and space and she will understand.

Unknown said...

For somebody who has been there for others all his life... I know how it can feel... when your acts of love and kindness are misunderstood... when your act actually makes them do things that they get hurt for... and all that... I know it all... and yet when it comes to me it becomes helpless... and thats where MY feeling doctor comes in !!!

I like that term... and you definitely deserve it... All the best to you and your daughter :) !!!

Cheers !!!

mo said...

:)