Urban Jungle- Mating call

I watch your eyes
they mesmerize...

I watch your lips
they entice...

I watch you stretch
you beguile...

You glance my way
You smile...
I smile...

Those lips...
What would they
be like to kiss?
Soft and gentle?
Teasing?
Insistent?
When I pulled back, would you lean in?

Your arms...
Could they
lift me up?
Would they command
Demand my love?
When I walked past
Would they pull me close?

You glance my way
Thoughtful now....
You look
I look
I smile
You smile
We cannot seem to look away

We watch a while...
I wonder
You wonder

If we kissed...
Would it be tender?
Passionate?
Sweet surrender?

I smile...
You smile...

You know.
I know.

You drop your head
ever so slightly
a query...
a question...
a challenge.

I tilt my head
in delicate defiance
in answer...
in anticipation...
in acceptance.

The tension builds...

The focus sharpens.

Behold now
The stage is set.
The sights and sounds around us cease
As we remain transfixed
At ease
The jungle drums
a distant roar
build up...
as you
as I
we make our move...

Ballare...

(Oil on canvas 22" X 28") (Painted 9/27/08)




Raindrops outside the window...
The smell of you.
The touch of your hands on my body...
As you pull me close in your embrace.
Your sighs of longing as we kiss...
The gentleness, the tenderness...
Of your lips on my skin.
The way you look at me...
The way you make me feel...
Beautiful.
The way you wake in the night...
To glance my way...
And reach out and touch and feel me there next to you.
To hold me close and caress.
To hold my hand...
In yours...
You make me whole.
The innocence of our meeting...
The guileless encounter...
Make me whole.
My refuge from subterfuge and game playing...
You make me whole.
The simplicity of us...
Make me whole.
The comfort of you, of us...
Make me whole.

Ain't no reason

I was bomblasted recently and accused of being wishy washy on my blog. And later in a private communication I was told by (the same) someone who claims to "know" me that I am strong in real life so why do I resort to trying to please when I write. This person has never met me. We have spoken to each other a total of two times. And yet they felt that they were the expert.... on me! I was amused....

What is my strength?

When all around me, people are succumbing to hate, and anger and finger pointing and name calling (yes "claiming to know me" is name calling...) to be able to let it go... to be able to rise above it.... to be able to take the high road that is strength.

It is easy to sit back and give in to disdain and bitterness. It is easy to attack someone else because of your own frustrations. For the purpose of venting- it is simple to lash out... but it takes courage and it takes strength to sit with your own frustration and bitterness and FACE it!

To judge another and claim to know them is easy. You simply have to label them... and from your subjective reality evaluate... but it takes courage and strength to accept differences and not pass judgement. It takes guts to say that is who you are... and this is who I am and that is okay. You are okay. I am okay.

A human has a RIGHT to autonomy. To be who and what they are. Freedom of speech entitles one to talk about what they want, how they want... People who seek to label us, do so simply so they can change us... so they can convince us that there is something lacking in us that we need to change... and then they try to pose as benefactors trying to help us change.... In my experience- those are the frailest people. They look to others and point to others simply to distract themselves from taking a good long look inside their OWN self. It is after all, easier to look at another and say... "you are this...." than it is to look at your own self.

To face oneself, flaws, weaknesses, talents and all... takes courage. It is the hardest thing to do. Most people spend a lifetime avoiding it. If they can blame everyone else for something, they never have to take any responsibility and that is easy.

I am at peace with myself. I have faced myself and battled my demons. I do it everyday. I am not ashamed to FEEL. I am not ashamed to LOVE. I a not ashamed to believe that praying and loving and accepting can heal. I am not ashamed to be who I am. I use my real name when I blog. I speak my mind. I do not hide behind the cover of a pseudonym and anonymity and from that high horse spew forth bitter tirades.

I am who I am. And I am at peace. I have no need to retaliate. I have no need to incite. And yes, I am a nice person... and I have no problem with that. And I do believe that making love is a far better option than making war! I am pro peace. I am anti aggression whether it be at a micro level (like said human who "knows me") or at a macro level like terrorism, war, and control.

I believe in peace. I believe in understanding and coexisting. I believe in human rights for all humans. I believe in living and letting live....

How to save a life...

Sometime, somewhere.... it happens. We have to save a life. Yours, mine, a stranger's... a life is a life.

I have stood on the brink of hell and looked into the deep maw that seeks to engulf. The despair, the solitude, the absolute dark... Perhaps because I have been there, I see that darkness in another....

No one should have to feel like that. No one should feel like that alone. I see pain everyday. I see tons of it. I see people stuck and lost. I see people in search... of themselves... in search of peace... a brief moment of respite from the turbulent storms of living.

Every now and then I get to see myself in these people. Every now and then I see pain that I can only imagine. And then there are those days where the pain is so big that even the mind has trouble imagining it... and after the session is over... and after the day is done... and the giving of self has occurred... and the process of responsible living has been conducted... in the solitude of the night... in the dark and in the silence... in the moments of awareness does the heart find permission to cry.

To cry for the lost. To cry for the living. To cry for the pain that you have felt. To cry for the pain that you have absorbed from the hurting... all day long... and it mingles with remembered anguish... and it blends in with unimagined horror... and you have a moment of stillness to feel it all... to cry it out... to let it go... to find your center... to breathe in deep... and smell the freshness... of life. The promise of it. And so you nod off into blissful unknowing, as sleep takes over and the balm sets in- to energize, to sooth, to heal... the healer.

I deal in the business of feeling.

Grief and survivors guilt....

I did not think I would be affected this much by the blast outside the Marriott. I have spent most of the weekend and today enmeshed in the video and still footage of the aftermath and the blast itself. My stomach is in knots and I have been teary eyed off and on for most of the day.

Human loss and suffering hook me. I cannot simply "get on" with life as usual. There is no such thing as "life as usual". Horrors change us.... in nameless ways. I did, finally, by this evening hear from all of my closest friends and family members. They are Alhamdullilah, all safe.

But I am not. Far from it. I am grieving. For the lost. For the living. For the grieving. For me. I see rozadar folks in the aftermath, carrying bloodied bodies. I see noor on the faces that help. I sit here, and I feel like crap. How can I help. What have I done. Nothing. I am okay.... I sit here at home.... But I have done nothing.... The guilt is overwhelming. Unbearable. Sickening. Torturous.

So I come here to confess.

My people, I feel your pain. I know your suffering. I see your dignity. I know your courage. You are my strength. I look to you. You inspire me. Your patience and your stoicism. Your silent struggle. You uplift me.

I can not do much... but I offer what I can. I offer my prayers. I offer my support. I offer my condolences. I offer words- of hope and encouragement. I offer my heart that mirrors what I see in you. And I see so much.

My brothers and sisters, I see nobility. I see determination. I see resolve. I see you. And you make me whole. Stand by each other. Have faith. Have hope. Evil may strike at us. But Goodness shall prevail.

In this holiest of months, have the ugliest deeds been committed. But only kindness makes a difference. For those who can, spare some time, food, wealth, energy.... whatever you can to help the relief efforts. This is the time to unite to help each other. Volunteer at the hospitals. Give money to relief efforts. Donate blood. Lend an ear to a grieving voice. Console a broken heart.

This is all sadaqat.... Even a kind word and a smile is sadaqat.... In our grief, let us not forget that others are grieving too. Grief shared is grief divided. Strength shared is strength multiplied.

Like a phoenix, from the ashes- let us emerge united and strong and willing and eager to help each other recover, from this loss. From this pain.

Dear friends. Stay strong.

Heartsick

I am just so heartsick over the blast in front of the Marriott in Islamabad. I have no words to speak. What is there to say. It hurts. My friends and family go there often. My mother was telling me the night before that she was taking a friend out there for iftar. My heart just stopped for a moment when I heard....

I know that place well. I was married at that place at 19. I used to go swimming in their pool since I was 14. Countless memories, countless times. I stayed there when I went home to visit. I loved their breakfast buffet. The staff knew me by my first name. The front desk managers and the bellmen... even the drivers who picked me up from the airport. I feel so stunned. To see the shattered profile of a place that is a staple of my memory of back home. THE MARRIOTT- ISLAMABAD I love that place. It is like home to me. And now... And now I see the burning husk of it on my screen. And now I see injured and dead bodies- covered in blood being carried out. I see broken bodies carried out like rag dolls... I cannot breathe. That could have been my friends. That could have been my family. I am relieved that it is not. And immediately after my relief I am guilty. I am guilty because out there...for someone... that is their friends. That is their family.... I feel like I am going to be sick.

It wasn't my personal loss- but how could it not be. Every loss is a personal loss. And one person's personal loss is every person's personal loss.

The gaping hole left by the bomb is the gaping hole in my heart and my soul.

I hurt.

Hmmmm...

Okay upon rereading, that was still not weird.

Sigh.... here's another try.

I- I do not like ice cream.
II- I'd rather live a short well lived life than a long mediocre one.
III- A clean nose is as important to me as a clean mouth. I blow and pick my nose clean before I shower.(This is done in the bathroom only!)
IV- A beautiful man can bring me to a dead halt!
V- The same can be said for a beautiful Harley Davidson!
(If the two are together, I forget everything else.... I just need to be given a moment to enjoy what is before me.)
VI- If you are to be my friend you must know that I take some things very seriously. You cannot bad mouth the following- Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp.
VII- I am a cat! (in explanation read the following)
VIII- I think that we have an animal alter ego and actually I like guessing what animal other people are :P ..... it's fun!
IX- I hate cleaning! But I am a neat freak... very weird!
X- Some days I even bewilder myself.

Smacula's nitpickiness... (eye roll)

Sam informed me that the purpose of the tag was to disclose 10 weird things about me- so here goes:

10- I am a convoluted, impulsive, spontaneous, "fly by the seat of my pants" royal mess!!
(I am a flawed human who is both content in my weirdness and yet has an unfulfillable need to strive for perfection- trouble with perfection is, I never make it!)
9- I want what I want, when I want it and I am NOT afraid to go for it!
(Delayed gratification just IS NOT my thing!)(I live life on my terms and my way- I have no problem with that.... unfortunately other folks have a problem with that :P)
8- I am a thrill junkie!
(Fast cars, Extreme sports, Pushing myself to the limit-I love a challenge and I love testing my limits and raising the bar)(That said I am a risk taker but a calculating risk taker- I never sacrifice safety for a rush. I love life far too much and have no death wish or a mutilation desire)
7- I went through a goth period in life!
(I totally rocked it! I was a cute goth chick... but I never used black lipstick- I did not look good in it. I used a deep burgundy instead, like dark blood. Very Goth. Tr es chic!)
6- Nothing embarrasses me!
(I am serious. I do not blush and nothing fazes me.)
5- I can not lie!
(Some days I wish I could. My face gives it away. The guilt makes me confess the next second. I suck at it!)
4- I get bored very easily!
(I have been known to walk away mid conversation...)
3- I pounce on people!
(If I find them intriguing, I pounce.... BEWARE!)
2- I am unbelievably, hopelessly, irredeemably flawed!
(I know...sigh...but I have accepted it!)
1- I am cursed with a good heart!
(Some days it's a good thing. Some days, it's a bad thing.)

I've been tagged... THRICE!!

For the first two I am supposed to disclose ten things about myself (I think...)

10- Chocolate is my weakness, Nutella is my addiction!
9- I crave excitement.
8- I am a hopeless romantic.
7- I am a neat freak. (Clutter and mess drives me NUTS!!)
6- I can do a full lotus and a head stand!
5- Clean mouths are VERY important to me....(I have a toothbrush in my purse, one at work and one at school- in addition to one upstairs and one downstairs at home! I brush after every meal!)(I cannot stand myself if I don't!)
4- I own 92 pairs of shoes! (Even I am shocked!!!!!!)
3- Only 25 of those pairs are flats!!
2- I can jump out of an airplane- but horror movies TERRIFY me.
1- I sleep naked!

One- I talk a lot.... seriously.... I could carry on a conversation with myself, all the other person has to do is nod every now and then- or not!
Two- I love boiled spaghetti with butter and salt.
Three- I curse and swear when I am livid.
Four- I talk to God- I mean I have real conversations, and fights, and I KNOW He's there.
Five- Music moves me. Art moves me. Nature moves me.
Six- I sing even though I can't carry a tune.
Seven- I am spoiled and I love it!
Eight- I have vices I enjoy.
Nine- I am searching, constantly seeking....
Ten- I google!

The Third tag- Google myself

Here's what I found!
http://www.tvrage.com/person/id-185134/Shahnaz+Khan
http://www.readitlive.com/stats/?stats_author=Shahnaz+Khawaja
http://www.linkedin.com/myprofile?trk=hb_side_pro
http://www.readitlive.com/2007/04/17/drama-queens/
http://www.new.facebook.com/people/Shahnaz_Khawaja/546850443

Okay... I tire of copy/pasting!

But seriously I am amazed at what is out there
- videos from youtube
- the list of board members from The Red Cross where I am a board member (currently on a leave of absence)
- Member list of the High Point Human Relations Commission.
- My house address!! (Due to my divorce settlement agreement!)
- My research presentation at SEPA!
- My Alma Mater Magazine article with mention of my research.
- A web document of a class presentation.
- A news article I wrote for a local daily and various related commentary- it was quite a controversial article.
- The College assignment that a professor used my news article for (I had no idea! I feel honored!)
- A Wikipedia link for Alpha Bravo Charlie!

I am gobsmacked!

Seriously!

Passion

(Oil on Canvas 22" X 28")(I forget when I painted this one....)

Waves crashing
Rise and fall
The taste of salt,
Of you....
Mixed together
The warmth,
Of the sun
Of us
The consuming need,
To have you...
Right now
Right here
Lost...
As I was,
In Passion

I see people....

For lack of a better tagline I tried to be punny- a la "I see dead people".

But in all honesty I see people who look like people, famous people to be exact. I am always intrigued and it fulfils my celebrity craving to know people who look like famous people.

Observe

Adam Harrell: Edward Norton



\

Uncanny isn't it?






Okay now see this one

Matej Kosco: Jude Law






hehehehehe.....

There's more...














Abu Khan: Art Malik




















Zoran: Olivier Martinez











Yup!!

I guess I am just lucky to know beautiful people who look like famous beautiful people.

Adios peeps!

Rain Dance

I got caught in a shower yesterday. And how I loved it... while around me people raced to find shelter, I stood and felt the raindrops on my face. I liked how they tickled as they ran down my neck and scalp in rivulets teasing, taunting, daring me to wipe them off. To go seek shelter. To hide from them.

I stood still. And closed my eyes. I listened to the pitter patter as the drops hit the leaves and grass. I giggled as a drop made its way into my ear. The rain, now playful egged me on. If I would not be conquered by panic and run then I would be initiated into the bliss of nature in it's raw form.

And how I love the rawness of nature...

Incidentally, this song was playing on my CD player when I finally made it to my car, drenched, exhilarated, ALIVE!

I swayed and head banged to it all the way home.

(I love the video too :P !!)
(Those who know me know I love all three actors... and my weakness for green eyed men!)

Good Old Days .... a deux

A friend just returned home... and I walked down Memory lane with her. Summer of '06
we had a ball.... fun times, fun friends, heartbreaks and the time of exploring idiosyncrasies, and ourselves.... hurting and healing... loving and leaving... thinking out loud and growing pains.....

We just got back from dinner... and I remembered all the many times we had done so before and how much I've missed her. Good Old Days!

Good Old Days...

Splatter of paint
Traded tales
Laughs and Giggles
A few kisses
Sit under the open sky
Him to smoke
Me to watch...

Talk for hours
All night long
Stolen, precious few winks
The long drive home
For him - this time
Same old things
Good Old Days

How time flies
How we change
How we part
How we meet again
How we forget
How we remember
Yet it still seems all the same...

Good Old Days
Again last night
Good Old Days
Different this time
Good Old Days
Same old people
Same old days...

Good Old Days