Saturday, November 22, 2008

Come again!...




I want to be your love
I want to make you cry
And sweep you off your feet

I want to hurt your pride
I want to slap your face
I want to paint your nails
I want to make you scream
I want to braid your hair
I want to kiss your friends
I want to make you laugh
I want to dress the same
I want to defend you
I want to squeeze your thighs
I want to kiss your eyelids
And corrupt your dreams

I want to crash your car
I want to scratch your cheeks
I want to make you sick
I want to sell you out
Want to expose your flaws

I want to steal your things
I want to show you off
I want to tell you lies
I want to write you books
I want to turn you on
I want to make you come
200 times a day

I want to dry your tears
Every time you're sad
I want to be what's happening
I want to be your only friend
I only go all the way

This time I'm not pretending
I can't take the trash
Your trashy friends are catching onto us
They got like fifty personalities
Oh girl, that's so messed up
You see that sculpture on the hill
That's where she cleared me out
Forever
They're monitoring my self conscious massacres, I know
Bringing it closer to the surface so it's easily pervertable

I want to be a beast
I want to make you proud
And play with your head
I want to take you out
Make you feel adored
And buy you everything
I want to hurt you bad
Make you paranoid
And say the sweetest things
I want to help you grow
Until for eternity
I want to be your what's happening
What's happening

The Blower's Daughter...

...the shorter story
no love, no glory
no hero in her sky...


HE SAYS
He is torn,
He is shattered...
He is defeated...
He is the hero..
He cannot come to you like this...)

so he comes not at all... but does he not know that she does not care... the defeat, is not him and it is him who she wants... and yet he stays away... and she sees he will not come... and she must walk away... and it HURTS... and so she cries... The Blower's Daughter

HE SAYS:
It has nothing to do with you or me..
But everything seems just that...

...and so it is...

HE SAYS

(in response to her...."If I could actually have you")
But you do...

...where is it? this great love you talk of? i cannot see it... i cannot feel it... i need more than words... (-alice's line in closer-) she cries because she does not have him...she thinks she does not have him... and yet... when she does truly have him... she lets him go...

HE SAYS
What I want to give.
What I want is you
You
YOU.
I want YOU.
I love YOU.
More than snippets
MORE EVEN THAN THIS...
MORE
LIKE THIS>>>
So
Tell me?
Tell me!
TELL ME.
How to tell
Kiss me,

...how do you kiss what is not there... and so she cries, The Blower's daughter...

HE SAYS
You stand.
Not alone,
Never alone.
I stand
just behind you
So, turn around
And take my hand.

...he stands just behind... always, just behind... why won't he reach out and take her hand...
(she is also just a girl-standing in front of a guy-asking him to love her- Notting Hill)and all he sees is the smile, but he does not hear her voice crack and so he will not reach out...not again...

... why can she not turn... and see...him...

and her...

...Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?...

...the shorter story
no love no glory
no hero in her sky...

...and he

And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

can't take my eyes off of you...
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

Jealousy



Why is a woman jealous
Why does a man test her to see if she is jealous
Should she confess her jealousy
What are the repercussions of:
-the jealousy
-the confession
-the test

I threw these thoughts out there to my crew and peeps today.
This is some of what I got back

Why is a woman jealous?
-Because she cares... and/or is interested
-Because she is insecure- about losing him, about herself in comparison to the other

Why does the man test her?
-To see if she cares
-To stroke his own ego and prove that he's got it
-To make her be better by being competitive and trying to outdo the other
-To keep her attraction and interest by proving he is in demand

Should she confess to the jealousy?
-Yes! Honesty is great. No mind games... those suck
-No! He will know the weakness and weaknesses can be exploited

What are the repercussions:

Of the jealousy
-You pull away. No one likes feeling jealous...
-Anger.
-You try harder. To please...

Of the confession
-Honesty. No game playing, clarify and problem solve...
-Exploitation. He knows, and uses it to "get to you"...

Of the test
-You get to see if she cares and how much
-You get to see how she reacts
-You may lose her
-She may become suspicious and/or resentful

Why this post?
I was jealous...
I did not know why
I did not like how I felt
I walked away
I pulled away
I was resentful
I was jealous
The more jealous I got the more I acted like I did not really care
I encouraged
I tempted
I trapped a statement out of said man that just made my blood boil to hear: "Yeah I think she's hot!"
And then I was resentful
And angry
And confused
Why did I feel bad
I did not like what I felt
So I pulled away
I just pulled away
Emotionally
Where previously there had been warm fuzzies
Now there was icky stickiness
Where previously I had been energized and floaty
Now I was drained and droopy
And suspicious
All past jokes came to mind
Would he
Could he
Why did I care
I should not care
And so I pulled away some more
But yet there was something else
I was jealous because I did care
More than I thought I did
I was not even aware I cared
Where did that come from
When did that happen
How
Why
WHEN??
There was confusion
And fear
And panic
And more confusion

But back to the jealousy...
The thing with me and jealousy

I am NOT a jealous person by nature. I do not get jealous
UNLESS he is mine
And then I am VERY jealous
And possessive

BUT

I do not fight
I do not compete
I do not like how I feel when I am jealous

SO

Jealousy makes me leave
If I feel jealous
If the actions of another make me jealous
If the words of another make me jealous
If they are intentional
I pull away
I leave
I do not play games
I cannot change another
I CAN change myself

Anonymous...



Words you don't hear
Places you're never at
Touch you can't feel

Words I want you to say
Places I wish you were with me
Touch I need to feel

An earthly desire
Is my flaw...
An earthly love
Is what I feel...
I WANT YOU
I LOVE YOU
What room is there
In what we HAVE
For earthly sentiments

For you THAT is enough
For me it is not...
I leave because of that
If I could actually have you
I would explain...
"Inaccessibility is my only complaint"
You are you
My love
Yourself
Not one hair on you
Would I ever rearrange
How to make you understand
Without changing you
I have no desire to change you
I can change only me

There is never any you
Only snippets of you
Here and there
And that is okay
For what we HAVE
But that is not
What I WANT
I want it all
I WANT YOU
I LOVE YOU
More than snippets
MORE EVEN THAN THIS...
MORE
LIKE THIS>>>

But how to tell you that
Inaccessibility is why
I cannot tell...
How to tell
What I want
Who to tell
When there is never
Anyone to hear
...

I watch
I see
I stand and wait

For awhile...

But then
When
It's time
And I stand
Still alone

Then I must go
And you must stay

Who cares
Where you were
Or even why...
The delay
That is meaningless

Sometimes
Timing is what fails

We've missed each other in the past
Again this time...
The wind blows wild
And so I leave
I cannot stay
I don't explain
To whom can I...
When there is no one
To hear what I say
Only silence
Only snippets

...

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time...
Can't take my eyes off of you

Friday, November 21, 2008

Timing...

"...too late
i don't love you anymore
goodbye..."
(Alice- Natalie Portman's character.... in Closer)

The thing about relationships...

A friend once asked me, "Is it about timing or is it about love and about understanding)

My reply, "I thik it is about all of them...

Certainly there must be love but also there needs to be understanding. Understanding of the other person- what they can and cannot give to you. Understanding of your own needs- what you will and will not compromise on.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Funny....

So,

My Mom is visiting (YAY!!).... she got in late Sunday night and while she unpacked I finished painting "Adam"!!

Anyway, these first few days have been rushed because my weekly schedule does not include much down time for me. I go to work, I go to school... and that is pretty much it! I didn't realize how bad "it" is until today. Bubba Jee is with her dad tonight, so I took Mom out for dinner after class (which BTW ends at 6:45pm!). We get to the steak house by 8:00 and over a lovely dinner she tells me...

"So I was reading your blog today, and was very touched by the feeling magic moment..."

I am thinking hmmmmm.....

She continues,
"...see I have not really had a chance to sit and talk with you, so I decided to catch up and visited your blog today...."

WOW!!!

My mother, here for the past three days, living in the same house, has not had a chance to catch up and so logged on to read about me on my blog!

In my defense- she goes to bed early. Evenings are usually about dinner and homework and winding down... Bubbs and Mom are early to bed peeps, and then I chill and unwind... but that also means zero time with my # 1 over age 8 woman!

Hurry up and get here Friday!!! I need to hang out with my mother!!!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Where does it go...?

Where does it go?
The LOVE!
That we fall out of
Where does it go...?
The LOVE
That we fall into
Where does it go.....!!??
The LOVE that is given
Where does it go......!!!!?!????
The LOVE that is taken

WHERE DOES IT GO!!????
THE LOVE
FROM ALL THE PEOPLE
ALL THE LOVE
FROM ALL THE WORLD

(where does it go)
(this enigma called love)
(there is never enough)
(yet we all keep giving)
(and taking)
(and falling in and out of)
(love)
(love)
(love)

where is the love?
where does it go?
love?
love?
love!
love...
love
!
?
...

Feeling magic...

i helped a woman who holds back... feel again
i made it safe for her to be real
i sat with her while she cried
she looked at me with her grateful eyes
she confessed her fears to me
she faced her demons with me
i helped her see herself
i guessed at her truth
i spoke it out loud
and she fell apart right there
in front of me
for no one had ever
understood her before
no one had ever seen her before
for no one spoke kindly
or gently before
i sat there in silence
and watched the tears fall
this mountain of strength
of tremendous resolve
the weight on her shoulders
the guilt and the shame
it all poured out
a trickle it was...
for if she let go
for if she gave in
she would come undone
the dam would cave in
i felt my eyes water
i felt my heart melt
i let go myself
and with her i wept
i saw me in her
i saw where she'd been
i saw and i saw
i spoke and she sobbed
she sobbed because
she knew that i saw
she sobbed because
she could not let go
she sobbed because
she knew that i knew
we sat there together
bonded by feeling
we sat there together
in sacred space
we sat there in silence
we sat there in words
we sat and we sat
until it was time
i gave her a gift
i think that she knew
where to begin
she asked me to say
begin with yourself
was all i could say...

my heart felt the magic
i made magic today
my heart felt the feeling
feeling magic, today...

Adam...

HE said be!
and he was...



(oil on canvas- 11/16/2008)

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Stuck in my head melodies... and the ones they were pirated from!

Mehbooba ho mehbooba (Sholay)... loved this song!



And the song it was pirated from...

Demi Roussos- Say you love me...

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Roses...



Her cheek had the pale pearly pink
Of sea shells, the world's sweetest tint...
As though she lived,
One half might deem...
On roses sopp'd
In pearly dew....
(m)

I came home to a box of two dozen long stemmed... and these beautiful verses...
How lovely!

Hugs a lot m.....
Me

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

The night of the musk deer...

In the wee hours of the night
From sleep I did take flight
A phone call
Your voice...
A longing
Did cease me
I could not return
To the blissful abode
From whence
In the foggy land
Of gossamer threads
Did I disengage
To stand awhile
With you
"You are beautiful..."
You did say...
"...beautiful naked..."
(You are beautiful)
Thought I...
When shall I see you
Tomorrow?
Nay...
The day after?
Nay...
The moon calls he said
The mating call
Is nigh'
The deer roam the forest
The wild calls that night
I shall miss you then, said I
The musk deer...
Longing for it's mate
The scent of musk
The hallmark of the elite
Of royalty
Of saints
Spiritual
Sensual
Memorable
You
And I...
I shall await
The return
Of the gossamer threads
Of dreamland
Spun
Delicately
Around
With tendrils
Enticing
Beguiling
The scent
Of you
Musky
And warm
Held in the night
Loved in the night
In your arms
Tight
The night
Of the musk deer...

Sunday, November 9, 2008

The first conversation...




How does one paint a conversation...
Thoughts exchanged between two souls
Ideas shared,
Words spoken
And unspoken
In the moment
And in past moments
Some remembered
Some forgotten

How does one paint
Many conversations

How does one paint
A word
Two words
Jayez
And
Haq

How does one paint
A feeling
I am you
You are me

How does one paint
You are beautiful...

How does one paint
You are mine
You have been mine
For all eternity

How does one paint
I have loved you
All my life
All your life

How does one paint
Two loves...
Both felt
Simultaneously

How does one paint
An experience
My soul
Danced with yours
In ecstasy
Like this...
LIKE THIS!

How does one paint
Like this

How does one paint
A kiss
Like this

A kiss
Not given
Not yet...
Just felt
Like this

How does one paint
Many kisses
All felt
All given
Like This

How does one paint a memory
You have not yet had
Many memories you have had
Memories you have made

How does one paint
Contentment
And bliss
Like this...

How does one paint
A beginning
An inspiration
Like Adam...
Like a tie
Like the Red Tie...
Like layers
Upon layers
Like circles
Concentric
Entwined
Like You...
Like HU
Like this
LIKE THIS!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

HISTORY

I am proud today...

To be where I am and who I am. I FEEL proud today to BE American. Today I told my child... it is all possible, it can all happen. This is the land of the free and the home of the brave... and today a brave man steps into office in a free nation... with a landslide victory that speaks to the growth a nation has made...

Yes there are still flaws... and factions that would dispute...BUT... there is no other nation on earth that takes care of it's own the way America does... a nation- that even though it falters, never fails to stand up and make right, that which it did wrong.... a country in which dreams do come true and in which today, I saw the beginning of a change that is historic.

Today America begins washing off the stain of RACISM...
A Black man is the president elect...
He had my vote...

And he is in office today because many more than just black people voted for him... people voted for him because he represents the change that is needed, desperately needed, to make America proud again.

Today I am a proud American...

I am safe at home tonight, after a deliriously happy day of rejoicing... with friends and co workers who joined me in fellowship and recognition that today, history was made and I was a part of it!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

VOTE!

You have a voice... use it!

Rosa sat... so Martin could walk... so Barack could run... so our kids could fly!

I tell my daughter

"Sweetheart you are a proud American you can be whatever you want to be, you could be the president if you wanted to be... all you have to do is work hard and believe..."

She replies

"Mommy I voted today! Can I stay up to see who won? Kids are interested in this stuff too, you know..."

My love for my adopted country is as fierce as my love for my child. I have lived here 10 years and I call this HOME! I have fought for my rights here and to date I have not been let down...

I cast my ballot today in a tradition that says I HAVE A VOICE....
My daughter cast her vote at school.... in her third grade class... and she learned to USE HER VOICE...

Agony and Ecstasy of Divine Discontent (Rumi- Deepak Chopra, Madonna)

Monday, November 3, 2008

...like this...


Can I explain "like this"...
It is a state of being

To be in a state of love is earthly... it is lowly... it is a bond of an earthly shell...

To be in a state of "like this" is a state of the soul..... an ethereal thing..... it is beyond love... it is MORE than love...... it is "like this"....

Like Rumi's Like this....
I am like this
He is like this

My awareness is like this...
My whole life is like this
The red tie
Is like this...

"The soul sometimes leaves the body, then returns.
When someone doesn't believe that,walk back into my house.
Like this."
(Rumi)

"When one is united to the core of another,
to speak of that is to breathe the name HU,
empty of self and filled with love."
(Rumi)

That is a state "like this".

The labyrinth is like this...
Life is like this
Universes upon universes
Dimensions upon dimensions
Coded
Hidden
Manifest
Unmanifest
Revealed

Awareness is like this
HU is like this
It is like this
Like this...

and so it is...

When Awareness Strikes...

Where will you be?
When awareness strikes...

It did for me
Just strike
Just now
My soul
Evolved
It flew
It left
My Body
Just now
I felt the chill
The thrill
At will
It flew
And
It took
Me along
To view
The truth
Or one of them
At least....

Sunday, November 2, 2008

A note... and my reply...

(picture by Moz Saleem)

Yaad....

Agar kabhi mairee yaad aye

to chand raton kee dilgeer roshni mein

kisi sitare ko dekh lena.

Agar woh nakhal-e-falak se ur kar

tumhare qadmon mein aa gire to ye jaan lena

wo ista`ara tha merey dil ka.

Agar na aye? ...


Magar ye mumkin hee kis tarah hai

ke kisi par nighah dalo

to us ki dewar-e-jan nah tootey,

Woh apni hasti nah bhool jaey!


Agar kabhi mairee yaad aye

ghuraiz karti huwa ki lehron peh haath rakhna.

Mein khushbo-on mein tumhein miloon ga.

Mujhe ghulabon ki patiyon mein talash karna.

Mein aos-e-qatra ke ai-non mein tumhein miloon ga.


Agar sitaron mein, aos-e-khusboo-on meinna pao mujhe ko,

to apne qadmon mein dekh lena.

Mein gird hoti musafaton mein tumhein miloon ga.

Kaheen pe roshan chiragh dekho to jaan lena

keh har patange ke sath mein bhi sulag chuka hoon.


Tum apne hathon se in patangon ki khakh darya mein dal dena

mein khakh ban kar samundar mein safar karoon ga.

Kisi na dekhe huwe jazeere peruk ke tumhein sadaein doon ga.

Samundaron ke safar pe nikloto is jazeere pe kabhi utarna ...


[A. I. Amjad]


My reply:


Jab chand ki roshani andharay viraanay may giray gi

To samajh layna...

Kay may aayi thi...


Jab shabnam gulab kay lab chumay gi

To samajh layna...

Kay may aayi thi...


Jab sitaray chun mun chamkay gain

To samajh layna...

Woh meri hansi thi...


Jab samandar ki lahar saahil say takrayai gi

To samajh layna...

Woh meri jhalak thi...


Sulagtay patangay ko lutf mai agar dekho gay

To samajh layna...

Woh nasha mai hi to thi...


Kabhi dur tumsay to thi hi nahi

Tum Samajh layna...

Tumhari saans mai hi to thi...


[Shahnaz Khawaja]

Cuteness Personified!!



This photograph is the picture of cuteness...

After a long evening of festivities, the little Goth Winged Witch was loathe to call it a night. In an image that personifies the spirit of childhood exhaustion, combined with the rebellion against bedtimes and the innocence of having no control in a non-negotiable schedule, here sits my pride and joy... the meaning of my life...

Her wings crushed against the chair- in the tediousness of limited space, for a creature that needs to soar and freedom to fly wild and free... just as her little spirit is crushed by the tediousness of bedtimes, imposed by mom when there is still fun to be had and adventures to make...

She is the reflection of me.
I vow to nurture and feed that free spirit.
To offer it the safety and care it needs to grow and spread it wings wide.
I vow never to squash too much or too long...until she is ready to be set free...
I vow to listen and to understand before I judge...
I vow to stand just a step behind and let her face her fears and be afraid, make mistakes and learn from them...
I vow to stand just a step behind... so she will have help if she needs it but never until she has tried her hand and tested her strength...
I vow never to wait too long before jumping in... nor jump in too fast... God help me with that!
I shall love and hug and kiss a lot!
I shall tease and joke and laugh a lot...
I shall pray and hope in the silence of the night , that life will go easy on this free spirit...
And when the time comes...
And when she is ready...
I shall teach her to FLY
To spread her wings and SOAR high...
I shall show her the joys of the open skies...
And teach her never to compromise
On her happiness
On her principles
On goodness
On truth...
I shall teach her to have the courage to disagree
I shall teach her to dance
To never sit it out
To laugh
Every chance she can...
I shall teach her to love...

My dear child
Be happy every day...
Fly high
Soar free
Be yourself always
And rejoice
In life
In you...

I love you!


Here sits my little angel, "The Winged Goth Witch!" and this is the most perfect shot of the evening... one that I shall cherish and carry around in my mind for decades to come...

I title it...
Cuteness Personified

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Luna to aatish...

A matter of timing?
A changed modality- feeling to thought?
Fear?
History?
Lack of faith?
Loss of control?
Overthinking?
Underthinking?
Baggage?
Past loss?
Past pain?
All of the above?
...
Don't know...

ishq aatish

Befuddled
Confused
Obfuscated
Bewildered
Bewitched
Entwined
Enmeshed
Falling
Lost
Sinking
Why
Where
How
When
Think
Stop
Think
Wait
WHAT???
Who
YOU??
YOU!!!
YOU
You
you
how
when
why
wow
WOW
HOW?
SCARED
Run
RUN
RUN!!
Fear
Lost
Stop
Think
Thought
You
Me
Now
HOW???
WHY???
What?
love
LOVE?
LOVE!
Run
HOW?
Run
WHY?
Run
run?
Why?
Don't know
Run
run?
why?
fear
fear?
fear
why?
don't know
stop
why?
stay
why?
no
no
no
no
stop
why?
stay
why?
love
love?
love
who?
you?
me
me
you?
me
you
breathe
breathe
breathe
think
think
don't think
feel
feel...
try
feel
hold me
how?
tight
close
now
NOW!
Like this?
LIKE THIS!
LIKE THIS?
YES
YES
breathe
breathe
hold me close
don't let go
I'll bolt!
Like this?
LIKE THIS?
LIKE THIS!
LIKE THIS...
Forever More
MORE
MORE
MORE!
More...
FOREVER MORE!

Buggaboo....

So dear readers...

Apparently there is a buggaboo that I am writing really dark material these days... lol... well here's a reassurance that I am NOT wallowing in the dumps! Odd isn't it. Thoughtfulness is oftentimes perceived as doldrums...

My wellness score is at a stable 7-8 as always (on a scale of 0-10) (0 being the Pitts of hell and 10 being bliss!) I would be a happy 8 if I could get a regular workout schedule in the mix somehow! I miss working out but there just does not seem to be any way to fit it in. Shucks!

BUT...

Listen Up! MOM is on the way!!! HURRAY. Bubbs and I blackmailed her on the phone. We sobbed and cried and kicked up a royal fuss and her tender heart could not withstand the misery that was us... hehehe.... yeah we are good! ;)

So, I figure when she gets here I can run out for a run everyday and not worry about the little angel that is my delight! Yay for Moms!

Trick Or Treat??!!


For the past seven some years I have always taken Bubba Jee out trick or treating. It's generally cold... And we are tired and cranky by the time we get back home. So this year I decided that we'd stay in and dole out the treats instead.

It was a hit! I had a coupleof friends over... and we had dinner, played Mad Gab and then scared my poor unsuspecting neighborhood kids. It was pure wicked fun! We put the boom box up by the front door... and had some spooky tunes to spice up the atmosphere and when the doorbell rang we'd pounce on the little ones. I have to admit we did scare some little kids pretty bad. They screamed in fright and then looked otherwise traumatized for a bit until we delivered the goodies...

YAH! Pure wicked fun!

Picture here:
Goth Witch
Cow Girl
Elf Fairy
Wacky Athlete

Dasht...

Viranay ki soorat
Khamosh samah
Nazar jo uthao
Taweel Asman
Azadi hai dekho
Caravan e zindaan
Kiya jaanay wo kaidi
Jis ka lutf hai wafa
Humay bay wafa
Na kehna magar
Zaroorat hamari
Hai azadi agar
Hain tanha to kya
Baywafa bhi to kya
Akelay thay hum
Akelay hain ab
Sakoon hai yehi
Arzoo hai yehi
Hai yehi mera lutf
Hai azadi yehi
Issay tum kabhi
Na tanhayi kehna
Ye shanakht hai meri
Maqam hai mera
Issi say to hai
Yeh uunchi parvaaz meri
Meri shan hai
Yeh Tanhai meri
Kiya nasha hai mera
Yeh Tanhai meri
....
Yeh dasht hai mera
Meri Manno Salwa

Bittersweet...

Where does it go? The love that is no more...
Where does it go? The love that is unrequited...
Where does it go? The love that we leave behind...

Where do they go? The pieces of us that we give away...
Where do they go? The moments that we dream about...
Where do they go? The past torments...


Heaven...

Hyper Threaded... this one's for you!