Sunday, March 8, 2009

That Moment...

You know that turning point in your life... That make it or break it moment- The defining instant. That lets you know- we are okay... we are strong, we are solid. Or we are not and this is not it. I am so there now.

At both points simultaneously....
With two different people.

I despise mindless and useless games. They are a waste of time. Of energy. Games are for the initial stages... for gauging and foreplay. After you settle into relationships- games are best left at the door. Be that any kind of relationship. A good solid game will completely destroy it. I don't do power struggles. I don't fight ego wars. I want to be happy. I don't enjoy misery.

What I have trouble with is guilt....
I do not like causing pain.
I like to heal.
I like to love.
I like to be liked.
I like to be loved.

But today...
Yes today...

I am tired.
I tire of pettiness
I tire of mind games
I tire of trying to help
I tire of trying to be there
I tire of being shut out
I tire of passive aggressiveness
I tire of being emotionally manipulated
I tire of being toyed with

When I am needed and when I am called for I will try to do all I can to help...

But for now-
I am going to pull a Shahnaz
I am going to save what's left...
I am going to pick myself up from your doorstep and I am going to walk away...

I shall knock no more.
I shall wait no more.

You know where to find me.
I will always be here if you need me.
But for now
I will wait here no more
I have left the building...

There is a time and a place for everything.
I have lived.
I have learned.
One thing that I learned is never to stay for longer than is necessary.
It is no longer necessary for me to stay.

Peace!

5 comments:

Juniper said...

salam Shahnaz, u know, u will never change gal, at least as of wat i know u.
u know wats interesting!!!! i am used to it ha ha ha !!!! just kidding :)
mindless & useless games !!!! Hunnnn!!! games for some one and life for some one!!! tug of war!!! but gal its never like that!!!!
if u had to end up like this that person at ur door step would not have ever let u go!!!!
anyway, ur life!!! ur wishes!!! as usual!!! i can pray for u !!!how is ur daughter??? i remember last time i asked abt her!!! u gave me a shut up call!!! ha ha ha :) no probs gal!!! i tink we have grown up now!!!!
how is auntie and ur bro pay my regards to them as well!!!
shoaib

Unknown said...

okay this one went a bit whoosh whoosh tho i think i do kno what u mean...

well hon... u kno i m always here for u :) !!!

u stay smilin n rem i m always there :)

lov ya loads and big hugs !! xxx

Shahnaz said...

shoaib??? shoaib-bin-akram????

is that seriously you?
oh my God!!!

i am speechless. spellbound. and wow!! what timing...lol

if it is you- first of assalamalaikum.
then-
how are uncle, antie, umer and ayesha-
then- how are you?????

and regarding the post- it's one of those "i have waited an endless time until my energy is depleted and so now i need to retreat and you need to let me know what you want of me" moments.

and no i never "let people go"
i hold on to them for dear life. both of them are still in my life. but they must let me in. i hate being shut out...

and i am always there for them...

daughter is fine... big girl now... she just turned 9.

hey write me and send me your e mail and phone number. mark it private and i will not publish...

again wow! ifit's shoaib-bin-akram!!! if not i just made an ass of myself....

:P

Shahnaz said...

sami!!

whoosh whoosh indeed!!!

hardly...merely zzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzz and i am tired and need to rest!

love you too mate!
hugs

Unknown said...

time dekha hai tum ne larki...

drop everythin n head to ur bed

thats an order :D :P