No man's land...

There is the me I used to be...
There is the me I will become...
And in between is "no man's land"...

A place of confusion
Blurred edges
Discovering and seeing
Crying and weeping
Learning and healing
Growing and pruning

A place of awakening
Opening your eyes
Seeing not avoiding
Facing not running
Strengthening of self
Knowing of self

It is WORK I have been putting off for a while now...
There was never time, or so I thought, and so I said...
There was life to be tended to...
Things got in the way, I let them- get in the way...

Truth be told- I was afraid.

Of what I would find,
Of what lay ahead,
Just past the bend,

A F R A I D

Of what I would be...
When I was no longer the me...
I used to be...
And yet,
Not quite the me...
I am to be...

A F R A I D

Of the
In Between
The "not knowingness"
Of
Who I am
What I am
Where I am

Of "no man's land"...

I am faded
I am hazy
A little smudged
A little lost
A little scared

Because I realize
I spent a life
Some 25 years
Or so...
Not "feeling"
Because I had to
Hide...
What I felt
I had to intellectualize
So that I would not hurt
Because the "feeling"
Was so hard...
I dichotomized
The self
Unknowingly...
And now
I must start over
Relearn
How to feel...

And there is an ache
That is hard to define
To describe in words
In FEELING words
But let me try...

I FEEL

Sad- for a lifetime-
Hurt- for all the losses and aches
Despondent- for what seems like a waste of past time
Angry- at what seems unfair
Dysphoric-because of all the "bearing in silence"
Embarrassed- because of who may see me struggling and know...
Ashamed- because i feel damaged in a way because i am not "perfect" can never be...
Irritated- because people tell me "who I am" they don't know...
Expunged- because i don't know anymore
Helpless- at times because i am alone
Irked- because i am in a rush to "fix it"
Tired- because i just want a break... to sit... to feel
Needy- because i wish someone would hold me close, hold me tight and not let go...
Fearful- because people do leave, have always left- me...
Proud- and i act like it doesn't hurt- i don't care... but... it does and i do...
Humble- because i know i am blessed by HIM
Hopeful- because despite it all i am doing the "work" at last
Eager- to see the new me

But...

This happens slow
And I know
I am impatient...

Yet

I must be
Okay
With being ME
Right NOW
Right HERE
In
NO MAN'S LAND

For a while... at least

"Hello, My name is Shahnaz...
I used to know who I used to be...
I don't really- not anymore
But I'd really like it if you stayed
I cannot make you- not I
But it feels good to be around
People and so...
I say
Please stay...
Awhile-
I will find myself
In the end
It's no man's land
And while I can walk alone
It FEELS good
To have somewhere I can sit awhile
In silence
And be held close
By YOU- ALL OF YOU
Who I fear may leave...
If I am not "Perfectly put together and smiling..."
Stay...
While I take a breath and BE
Just simply
BE
Okay
With being here
With being ME
In no man's land..."

...