And it happened, this very minute... I was set free, at last.
It has been coming for a while...I have been working at it, and sure enough, in little increments, in little steps the healing has come.. the wounds have filled in, the scars have smoothed over and a new day is here.
Ironically I just attempted to look at something that has been my last, guilty, self flagellation practice... and I knew there was a time limit on that practice, and just at the very moment it needed to happen, that too, came to an end. It is...
I am free at last.
I called it an exorcism- The ghosts of the past were evicted from my being, my heart, my soul, my memory... One moment I gazed at fireworks exploding in the sky, felt as if my inner being was exploding in unison. There was a beauty, bittersweet and poignant in that moment. I missed my kid who wasn't with me to watch them. I ached for all the losses and pains. I was reminded of that time last year... and the year before... the paths walked, the losses accrued, the strengths gained and the journey- how far I'd come and yet it felt like I was still at square one, all over again.
The memory of a beautiful Saturday morning and afternoon lay behind me....I felt a familiar ache... sharp and dull at the same time. I walked past the throngs. I came to a watering hole. I sat and talked a while. I played a game. I was called out. I saw. I heard. I learned. And then it happened.
Absolution- from the ache... from the pain....
It happened.
Conversation- honest and plain....
It happened.
Healing, laughter, joy, sunshine, sand, sea, surf...
A long walk. A lot of conversation. Laughter- lots of it, like I haven't had in ages. Carefreeness, eyes that see... Honesty...
Me just being me-
Simply, truly me-
And enjoyed for it-
On the drive back home, there was more conversation. Lessons were learned. There was conflict and there was healing. Friendships strengthened- new learning happened...I was healed...in many ways...in so many ways...
I met my mirror- faced it deep. We talked. We spoke. It smiled to see the growth within. I asked- is this a new me? And I think I heard it say- you're getting there...I felt it- I am getting there.
Days go by- Little bumps and thumps and yet I'm strong and I survive. There is laughter. There is life. There is joy. There is peace. I am back.
I am free at last-
And I feel this one from the heart
And I sang this one from the heart
And I danced this one from the heart
At last!!!!
FREEDOM!!!!
7 comments:
i like it.. and i like for the picture you paint in my mind while i read that.. I see you be.. be yourself and be happy and that is amazing.. and yes i can read the emotions churned out in these lines..abb zindagi hamesha aisy nahi reh sakti but lets kick some ass while we enjoy this mode.. this friend of mine talks nonstop about happy vibes.. ill tell you about it when we talk..
I'm glad. And Ali, can I know about the happy vibes too?
:D
Ali-
there was so much more that could have been said had i written it earlier... but this is where i was at that exact moment... and yes it is a good picture.
:)
Hugs
Amna-
Ali's happy vibes theory was shot down! lol....
haha.. yes amina.. crashed and burned... I failed to sell it.. but I believe that the secret to leading a happy life is to picking and choosing ppl that exhaustively overwhelm you with happiness whenever present.. ppl who glow with the happy vibes oozing out of their pores.. and more importantly keeping the Sad faces away.. its all about how much positive energy surrounds you.. the more positive you have around you the more happy vibes you possess and spread.. the more fulfilling the journey of life will be.. now Shahnaz disagrees..AND after all this typing I am looking for some support or some agreement here from you here Amna..
I agree with you but first it has to start from your own mindset-- "Happiness comes from within" as they say. If you are a sad face yourself, would the happy faces want to be around you? But perhaps it is mutual-- both external and internal.
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