The games we play...

I play them
You play them
We all play games sometimes...

Have you ever been that person?
Who did it all time and time again
And right at that one point
Of closeness
Intimacy
Vulnerability
Happiness...
Let it go
I have

And I did not want
To let it go
But I did
Unknowingly

Sometimes...

Sometimes in life
You love
And it all falls apart
And the innocence is lost
That way of loving gone
The heartache heals...
To scar and toughen
To guard and protect
The vulnerability
The freshness
The fearlessness
Of Untainted Love

You now begin
To doubt
To question
To hide
To fear
LOVE
The giving
The accepting

And all the while
Around the bend
On the other side
Unexpectedly
A person waits
To hold your hand
To love you back
The way you do
It makes no sense
It simply is...

But how do you
Break down the walls
Let them in
Accept their love
Love them back
Show them how...
How much you love
How much they mean
How beautiful they are
How perfect to you

Where does one begin to tell
The bliss and joy
The wings they give
To make you fly
High...

What would it take
To show them that
You find peace
In their embrace
Their touch can make
Your heartbeat race
A look from them
Is all it takes
To make your day

If you could
You would
Scoop them up
Carry them around
Inside your soul
To warm your heart
When it gets cold

How does one
Begin to state
Your smile is heaven
When it rests on me
Your voice so soothing
Lulls me to sleep
Every night
Even though
I miss your arms
Around me...
To hold me tight

If I could
I would
Show it all
Let you in
Give it all
But how
HOW
how...
Shall I explain

How much I want
How much I fear
The want itself

How much I love
How much I fear
The love-

How much I need
Need you
Now
Then
Here
There
-everywhere
-all the time
-all the while...

How much I flee
I run
I hide
From you
From me
From love
From US
Because

What if...
You were not here
There was no WE
My heart would break!

I cannot see
A me
Without YOU-
You see...

And so I hold...
Hold back sometimes
Hide sometimes
Don't say sometimes...

The truth, however,
Is my dear
I LOVE
LOVE
love
YOU
SO
MUCH
SOMETIMES

that
it
leaves
me
lost
and
scared

But-

I
DO
LOVE
YOU

Happiness

I sat in a church once
Seeking
I had been fighting with a friend all night long
In the morning
We went out to breakfast
And after we went a searching
And ended up in a church
I sat and thought
What do I want
Peace
Love
and...
Understanding
Today
I have it
Peace-Love-Understanding
I have never been a content woman
Today
I am content
And it is unfamiliar
Happiness
Peace
Love
Understanding
Contentment
They are unfamiliar
Strangers
And yet
I found them
In laughter
And a high Five
Over conversation
Over a breakfast
Over holding hands
At the beach
During a walk
In eyes I love
In a face I adore
In arms that hold me close
In games that went unplayed
In honesty
In trust

Reading between the lines...

"I never know what you want, you never say...
Why do I always have to be the one who says?"
Tell me you want me, you want this, how much I mean to you...

"Why there, Why now, Why not here?"
I want you here, come to me...

"You said, you did, you...."
I MISS YOU!!! I LOVE YOU---

Words
words
w o r d s
---------

Ever felt that a conversation was just a place, words were just taking up space and the meaning-

The MEANING
Was never even stated
It was lost
In translation
Jumbled up
Between the lines
Scrambled and obfuscated
By the fear
The emotion
Of the speaker
Of the listener

Ever had that conversation
Where all you were saying
was---
I LOVE YOU
And all the wrong words came out
And all the games were played
Because it was simpler
To play them
Than to say
I LOVE YOU
I WANT YOU
I MISS YOU

Because there was a fear
Does he want what I want
If I jump will she jump

And so the words go on
And the games go on
Filling up time
Taking up space

And yet all the while
You both knew
At different times
Or
Even at the same time
What YOU were doing...
What THEY were doing...
That you were merely

Speaking

Not with the words that you spoke
But with all the words

The words...
Never stated

All the words...
Implied
Hidden
Explicit

Between the lines

I Love You
(Between the lines...)
I miss you
(Between the lines...)
I want YOU
(Between the lines...)

At the moment of surrender-

Where will you be?

...when awareness strikes
when the truth finally hits
when you are no longer blind
when clarity bites...

Where will you be?

...when realization happens
when the struggle is futile
when forces are stronger
when surrender is inevitable...

Where will you be?

...when confusion engulfs
when control is lost
when 'flow' is in effect
when you give in at last...

Where will you be?

That is the moment of surrender
That is where you will be
At the moment of surrender
That is where you will be


U2 are my favorite band.
Their words speak volumes to me...
This particular number shakes my very soul.
It is about an recognition, an awareness of reality/truth/inevitability...
You are faced at last with a vision
A vision of yourself
A mirror
That exposes
Your blind spots
And in that moment
You SEE
YOURSELF
And the surrender isn't the seeing
It is what you do after-
It is the recognition
The acceptance
The bowing down with grace
At the stark and biting truth-

Whatever that truth may be...

For me there are many truths
And the surrender happens
Many times
Many ways

Awareness hits

I am actually happy
I am content at last
And the reason it feels off
Is because it is unfamiliar...

Awareness hits

Sometimes I need to stop
Trying to live life on my terms
And simply live it
On "Life's" terms

Awareness hits

Why play games
Why jeaopardize
Why be afraid
Why NOT just live

I know my flaws
I know my games
And if I know
Why NOT just change

Awareness hits
And I ponder a while
Awareness hits
And I surrender...
At will

At the moment of surrender
I am in FLOW
I float along
And breathe real slow

I found myself in a situation this weekend... I was faced with a force stronger than mine. I resisted for a fraction of a second. I tried. I resisted. I realized- it was stronger. I would not win. It was futile. And immediately after. I gave in. I surrendered. And it was sweet. The surrender. My friend was surprised. But the thing is, in life we will be faced with forces that are in our control and those that are not. For those that are in our control... take over. For those that are not. Give over.

Like the SERENITY PRAYER-
God grant me the strength
To change the things I can
And accept the things I can't
And the wisdom to know the difference

U2 sing about addiction
I work with addiction-
WHAT is your addiction?
I know what mine is...
Do you?
We all have an addiction
And we all seek to arrive at a place in our lives where we can finally be at peace with it. Recover from it...Learn how to let it go and yet be mindful that we are NEVER rid of it. We merely become aware of it, mindful of it.... so it does not control us anymore. On the contrary we take charge of it. We change ourselves because we cannot change "it". The surrender is the final awareness. Yes- I DO THIS TO MYSELF. It is the recognition. Because if we recognize what we do.... we actually have to DO something about it then... and that can be hard.

That is the moment of surrender-
That is what sits in the balance
Do we open our eyes
OR
Do we stay blind...
Do we recognize
OR do we avert our eyes

Because if we do
Because when we do
We actually must
DO!
Do something about it...
And that is the surrender

"I was punching in the numbers at the ATM machine
I could see in the reflection
A face staring back at me
At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility"

Life is visible- But we must look to VISION- look beyond the obvious, look past the blatant, read between the lines, see the forest and not just the trees...

"My body’s now a begging bowl
That’s begging to get back, begging to get back
To my heart
To the rhythm of my soul
To the rhythm of my unconsciousness
To the rhythm that yearns
To be released from control"

We hide
We fight
We run
From ourselves
The surrender is giving in to ourselves...

"At the moment of surrender
I folded to my knees
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me"

Who are we?
Who are you?
Who am I?

"The stone was semi-precious
We were barely conscious "

What is it that we chase after
What really matters?

"It’s not if I believe in love
If love believes in me
Oh, believe in me"

YOU ARE LOVE!!
Believe in YOU
That is what you seek all your life
The acceptance
It is from yourself
The craving
It is for yourself
The love
It is you
All is you
How can you be anywhere
With anyone
Do anything
If you cannot even
BE WITH YOURSELF
FACE YOURSELF
FORGIVE YOURSELF
LOVE YOURSELF
ACCEPT YOURSELF
KNOW YOURSELF
TRUST YOURSELF

Surrender
Is about a surrender-
To the inevitable
A surrender
...to yourself...
as you are-who you are-what you are
Surrender is about an acceptance of yourself...
And in that moment of acceptance comes change...
The changing from
-who you are/were
To
-who you were meant to be...

Surrender to who you were meant to be-

No fairytale

Strip it all away
Lay it all to waste
You give it all
And yet
There is nothing left to show
Where did it go
When did it fade away
While all the while
You stand aside
And watch it slip away
Watch it slip away
You scream
Hold on for a while
You cry
Let it last
Just for another night
And so it goes
The story unfolds
As the hourglass
Rolls on by
Rolls on by...
Lost in the thought
Yet too confused to think
Should just have felt instead
Just let the feeling in
And all the while
He whispers in your head
Whispers in your head
And you run
Run another mile
Keep running on inside
Yourself...
Inside yourself
Until the story ends
Oh yes the story ends
And it's not a fairy tale
Oh no
No- it's not a fairy tale
Not this one
Not this time
And so the story ends
That's how this story ends
One more time
Oh yeah
Yet another time
That's how this story ends
Yet another time

At the moment of surrender-

My favorite song on their new album!

And this one is for my dear friend in Houston- who sprinted the three miles to the stadium with me, after I had abandoned my car on the highway after being stuck in ridiculous traffic for four hours and nearly in tears because I thought I would miss my fave band in concert--

Luckily for us we made it... with not a minute to spare.
Good friends
Good times
Great music

At the moment of surrender- U2