Lies- Oh how they can break you...

I once witnessed someone break past their anger into sorrow. The defense was broken down and she fell apart and as the sobs wracked her frame, tears streamed down her face and the grief and pain washed over her...

I was in training then-
And I never understood what had occurred within her.

Yesterday- I did.

I was in conversation with CASH and after I had used every bit of indignant fury to fuel my resolve and run about in circles in my head- a wounded animal- thrashing about looking to any direction that would blind me to the pain I felt, I broke past it.

And the grief washed over me.
I sobbed an agony of tears.
I was reminded of that other situation I had once witnessed and I understood what had happened.

Lies-Oh how they can break you...

I thought myself a strong person. Solid to the core. Unshakable. Resilient. But...

Lies- Oh how they can break you.

I looked at the pictures again today. Sad part is- I could just stop looking at them. But I don't stop. I do look-

Every time I do, I feel a stab at my heart. There is a physical reaction that occurs. I look at them. I look at pictures of us. And I break down.

You cannot "unlove" someone. The heart will not allow it. And yet the pain of the lies is unbearable- as is the love... unbearable.

I remember the last time I looked into those eyes and trusted and believed and it breaks me. I remember those eyes. I love those eyes. And they lied to me. And I believed...

Betrayal- It is the worst thing in the world.
Everything loses meaning.
Life loses meaning. Dreams lose meaning.
And when that betrayal comes from one you love- meaning loses meaning...

You wander about aimless- like a compass that is broken, direction-less, meaningless
Spinning in circles, powerless, faithless, hopeless

And in spite of it all you cannot unlove a love
And then you start to run. Run away from yourself. In hopes that you can outrun your love. You thrash about in pain- in vain...

I am brought down to my knees today.
I have run and run and I am broken.

I am reminded of the scene in Braveheart-

The disbelief and disappointment when someone you think you can trust betrays you.
I have lost today.
I am not strong.
I do not hold my head high.
I cannot unlove.
I can no longer even run-
from the pain. from myself. from life. from truth. from lies. from love...

I am brought down to my knees and
I am broken today.