I saw him instantly- a little lost, a little scared, a little curious a lot hurt...
"Will you talk?" he asked.
"Shall I let down my hair or do you plan on climbing up the wall?" I laughed and said.
He used the stairs- this time.
And we talked...
I saw HIM in brief glimpses like a shy moon hiding in the clouds. I asked who hurt him and saw the raw pain in eyes I have come to love. And it came and went- the real HIM- it came and went in spurts. Here one instant, gone the next. I found myself curious and waited for the moments when HE would let the guard down and show himself.
-I don't think I can do this-
And then it came- HIM- and it stayed... and so I stayed. I sent him a "W"...
There was laughter, fun- I won the champ's belt! There were smiles and oh yes, I held his hand...
I walked on the beach with HIM, beside a happy ocean. I lay in the warm sand with my head in HIS lap and saw fireworks against a dusky sky... we danced in the sunset and kissed goodbye.
We talked for hours and HE was always there. We agreed and disagreed... We football(ed) and polo(ed)... We laughed and we cried... and HE was there.
-that was then-
-and this is now-
We talked last night and HE was barely there. I drove to see HIM the other day and HE was not there. I asked for pancakes and HE took me to Waffle House! I see HIM now in stunted sections... I see HIM now hardly there.
HE's buried himself and gone away- behind high walls and to odd little places in his head. HIS heart is cold, HIS love is thorns... HE throws darts at me that sting with a poison I keep inside and yet... why?
What did I do wrong?
I stand outside and cry-
...and this is now...
I see HIM. I see what he does to HIM. And so I cry... And I see what HE does to me. And so I cry...
A hug, a kiss and a toss in the air-
That was then-
Last night the ugly words came out at the very end
Flung by him to break my heart
But he is a silly man, see...
HE has my heart.
It beats in HIM and so all he does is break his own which beats in me... and so HE hurts and hurts me too and HE breaks and breaks me too
And this is now-
I know HIM. I want HIM.
I have no use for him- who guards and holds hostage my love...
I have always been with HIM. I am not content with less than that... and so it stands-
...and this is now...
3 comments:
I was reflecting today about how I have changed and that I am content with who I am today and because of who I am today, I don't want to be who I was, because perhaps, who I was was a more egoistic person...
People change-- is this HE a lesser he now? I don't know what you can do to change him. Perhaps, it's not in your hands. We are all responsible for our own happiness I guess-- Let him be for a while. To figure out himself.
Perhaps, you shouldn't have put HIM on that pedestal. He was always a he, or perhaps, he needs to be. Find YOU, out of you. Or not. It's only a matter perception isn't it?
Alice- always either too big or too small. Where does one find a more normal, comfortable size?
Interesting piece!! Very deep and beautiful.
Correction upon reading it again: This is a wonderful piece. To it I dedicate Bonnie Tyler's Holding Out for a Hero: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7f_HsjpSVaI
"I found myself curious and waited for the moments when HE would let the guard down and show himself.
-I don't think I can do this-
And then it came- HIM- and it stayed... and so I stayed."
Perhaps, I don't get this piece entirely or it reflects your ambivalence or your clear and perhaps, deliberate self-deception.
The one you came to love was the hurt little him-- inspite of your search for him, HIm took over and you fell in love with HIM!!
And, afterall this time, when the guard has been let down, you want HIM to stay?
What did you do wrong?
You stayed. The HIM- the ego that you boosted came like a beautiful, powerful hero and became so strong that now HE wouldn't even consider you anything!
HE has soured HIMSELF! He's no good for you.
For this, he apologizes... guilty and ashamed for what he wasn't. But is he ashamed of what his love did to him, that is create and let HIM over?
He looks for himself, afraid of what he isn't. If you love him again for him, what if you unleash HIM again? Is that what he is afraid of? Or is he tired of being HIM?
Why not take the whole-- rather than the fairytale?
It's beautiful, I read it again and again and every time i understood a more and more in depth meaning.
Where have u been. Why aren't u writing anymore?
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