Fear

Fear is what keeps me trapped
Fear of loneliness
Fear of unhappiness
Fear of failure
Fear of lovelessness
Fear of so many imagined and unimagined things
When I see happy couples
I am afraid
That I will never have that- And I want that
When I see people in love
I am afraid- It will never be mine
Because I do not have it now and perhaps never will
When faced with success
I am afraid
Can I get it
Can it be mine
If I make it
Will I break it
Will I bring about its ruin
When I am happy
I am scared
Of happiness
Fear of unworthiness
Undeserving-ness kicks in
Fear that I shall mess it up
Somehow seeps in
When I am by myself
I am afraid of my loneliness
When I am sad
I am afraid there will be no one there to comfort me
When I hurt
The feeling of pain
Scares and overwhelms
Can I bear it
Is my fear
Will I collapse
And go up in smoke
Yes- such are my irrational fears
And thus I am afraid of feeling too

When things get difficult
I am afraid that I will not be able to make it on my own
Or face it
Or do it
By myself
It would be nice
To lean on someone and get a break
But that also is fear
Me running away
From what is my burden
And only mine to bear
Yes- I am afraid
Of my burdens too-

Because a man left me
And another one too
And another and another
That makes me afraid
That I am not worth staying with
Because they left
I am afraid that I am not worthy of being loved

And then there is the fear of being left
I am deathly afraid that people will leave me
And it makes me keep people at a distance
It makes me afraid to love
To give it and accept it
Yes I am a prickly pear

And then more fears
Is there something wrong with me
Am I broken
Tarnished somehow
Am I pretty
Smart
Strong
Successful
So afraid half the time
That I flit around
Trying to hide
Fix
Do
Be
See
Do
More and more and more
And then some days
All I want is to hide

If I could only face my fears
Head on
And then
Just simply
Hold on
Breathe
See

I am human
I am imperfect
I am flawed
And
IT IS OKAY

I try my best
And some days
It works
And on others
It does not
And on other days
I don't even try
Because
I simply have not the strength
And that too
IS OKAY

If I could face my fears
And conquer some
And be okay with the rest
And try my best
To give it a rest

I do not have to prove anything
To anyone
Including myself

I would get past this
Romantic notion
Of my broken heart
No heart that is truly loved ever BREAKS
No love that is truly LOVE
Ever ends

I would get past this sad affair
Of this break up
And realize
A heart breaks
When it is given away
Why give it "away"
In the first place
And expect someone else to take care of it
Why not keep it
And care for it myself

Why blame the poor man
For not doing this and not doing that
Why should he
In the first place

Why expect someone else
To love me
Why not just love myself
And let that be enough...
And when I love
Why expect
To be loved back
Is that really why I love
So that he will love me back

Am I that in need of love
Can I not love and value
MY OWN SELF
And thus never "need"
That validation
From someone else

And so it stands the true meaning

I have nothing to fear...
But fear itself


And before I can love
I must love myself