ache- to suffer a dull persistent pain
related words- affliction, agony, anguish, misery, yearning
I looked at endless pictures. Of friends-all happy. I saw friends- in various stages of courtship. Some happily engaged and some in wedding pictures. Some making birth announcements and some just ecstatic over being pregnant. All of them in the various stages of their "Happily Ever After". That is when it started... I felt an emptiness inside me. A hole that grew deeper and wider. I felt a hollowness. A hunger. I felt an ache too complicated to describe. It wasn't that I wasn't happy for them. I was... It was just that something about that joy made me feel deprived. I wonder why?
I have a daughter... I should not really care. But it wasn't that. I wanted the contentment so obvious in their faces. The knowledge that they were with the one they loved. Their mate. Their family unit. My daughter is my family- I thought. I have my unit... Then why the ache?
I pondered awhile...I wanted that- The happily ever after... I want that! I crave it all the time. I want that so bad it makes my eyes tear up and my heart hurt. Much as life is great. I long for that. And no- it is no longer that I miss my ex-man. I miss my happily ever after with that man. I miss him because of what we had- potential. I miss him because he could have been my happily ever after. I miss him because a happily ever after with him seemed like heavenly bliss. I miss him because I believed he fit. But then-Alas! If he fit I would have my happily ever after. But I don't. So what is it? I guess what fits and what does not isn't quite obvious at first. He never understood why I could not do the distance. I guess I never understood it myself to be able to explain it. Distance takes away the happily ever after. I still ached when we were together but distant. I still looked at couples and was envious. I never actually had my happily ever after. I just got glimpses of it. Stolen moments. Stolen weekends. And at those times- we fit...it was perfect...we had the happily ever after...momentarily- But maybe we did not fit as well as I perceived. Then why do I still ache? Is it him? Is that what it is? Do I miss him? I thought for a while. I miss what I had with him...I miss my momentary happily ever after. And slowly what I had began to slip away... even when he was there.
There used to be a time when I knew his every thought. There used to be a time when, while he was out, all he wanted was to call and talk to me. There used to be a time that I did not want to go out because all I wanted was to come back home and call him up so I could hear his voice. And then that stopped. There were secrets. He no longer talked. I gave away my whole day. And he never gave back- or so I perceived...I could be wrong. And then it started to slip away. What we had. He was there. His physical presence, (sometimes). He was there- his voice on the phone... but HE was never really completely there. He was too hidden away. There was silence, and darkness and then the sharing stopped. I did not want to keep giving. I never got back in return. And he once told me he felt the same way...I feel a lump in my throat as I write and I fight back the sting of tears...
It is always sad when something so good goes so bad. Why does it? I cannot say. Do I blame him? Sometimes- when the pain overwhelms and I turn to anger for relief. It feels good to lash out at him in my head because then I don't have to face the pain. Do I blame myself- sometimes, for the same reason. But then it passes and the dull ache returns. With it the yearning. I want my happily ever after.
I have never had it- you see. I was married and had a baby and watched her grow but I never had it- my happily ever after. I want it. I want it so bad. I have fallen in love and dreamed of it. I have lived 32 years on this earth- But it never happens for me, or hasn't yet (I still hope!). And so the hunger grows. The empty, hollow, cavernous, chasm deepens. And those smiling happy faces- enjoying their happily ever afters- make me feel left out. Deprived. Empty. Incomplete somehow.
I understand the notion that I do not need a man to complete me- It is a cognition. But I do not feel complete. I feel empty most of the time. I feel lonely most of the time. A multitude of friends, and activities, hobbies, interests, strength, courage, independence do not make the feeling better. I still feel achy. I think my way past the loneliness and the ache. That is why I am a cognitive person. That is why I think so much- I guess... Because if I allow myself to feel at all, I feel achy... and I wish I had a happily ever after too...
...I wish I had a happily ever after all the time...
9 comments:
You contradict yourself by saying that you don't need a man, and yet you want that happily ever after.
It's ok to want a man-- the intensity of obssessing over that need seems to be the problem here.
Sorry for sounding so diagnostic.
Life is not picture perfect.
Comparing yourself to others will never let you be happy in your own life.
You are blessed. Count your blessings.
You know that you are the one deepening that chasm. If you don't think so much about the fantasy of happy-ever-after, you can enjoy the life you have-- and be happy i.e., with less ache.
Shahnaz!
I could feel your pain. It is like when you don`t exactly know what is wrong and no one will tell you. I have been passing through such a time too. I married someone i loved , someone i have been loving for ages and who was my soulmate , my everything and that someone has betrayed me again and again. I always forgive him but every time the betrayal is greater and more hurting. I sometimes think i am immune to this now. And the worst thing is i still love him and i still hope.I have loved only him
Dear Shahnaaz
I have been reading your blog since 2 and half years, but today I am compelled to write to you.
I will say , there are no happily ever afters most of the time.In a relationship, both people have to work hard , compromise and give in sometimes.We also had an illusion of your happily ever after, after your marriage.
The guy ,with whom you had a hope of happily ever after,was never the right one for you.His heart wasn't with you otherwise he would've never gone away from you.He wouldn't have let it slip away like he did.
Don't let yourself in the trap of the could've beens , I have been there and from experience I will say, you should let it go.
This time it was your illusion of happpily ever after.
amna-
no contradiction there...lol.. i don't NEED a man. but i would LIKE one! actually no i stand corrected. i WANT one that is a good fit! and right for me. no need...just want... :P but the no comparison part is true. i NEED to stop comparing myself to others. thanks sis.
anonymous
i forgave one who betrayed me once. i took him back. i forgive him but i don't think i will ever be with a man who betrays me ever again. i feel your pain. i hope he is worth it. you are a better person than he ever will be- but you love him... and he must have something in him to make someone like you love him so much. i admire YOU for that.
anonymous 2
i agree- this time it was my illusion of happily ever after. i just realized that last night....
Awesome post. Really enjoyed reading your blog posts.
J'ai appris des choses interessantes grace a vous, et vous m'avez aide a resoudre un probleme, merci.
- Daniel
I wont say that I love the post because it made me very sad .. It is so well written.
There is no happily ever after.. may be there is this happy now. All the friends you are talking about, they just portray the 'happy-now' part of their lives. Nobody likes to display garbage of their houses on the terrace. So we get to know what they want us to know.
We all need a man in life and whats the harm in it. Sometimes we try to act independent, impassive and indifferent but as a matter of fact we are seeking that compassion and love which could break this outer fake shell of ours. The funny part is when we do not find such a person then we tend to cling to old memories, time spent with the 'old' guy, sometimes we regret, at others we blame him and this cycle continues.
Life is not rehearsed; the purpose of your incarnation was not that you write about him all the time. I love ur blogs. I sometimes relate myself to some of ur writings. But dear you not only have to throw him out of ur blogs but from ur mind as well.
I may be as empty as u are but i am hopeful that there must be someone out there and there has to be someone for us !!
=MN
Post a Comment