Monday, November 15, 2010

Is it moms or is it desi moms...?

So here is the irony of my completely convoluted and yet completely hilarious life-
I don't know whether to laugh or cry sometimes, seriously...

I am in the middle of eating my salad (which I eat at the end of my meal- my daughter calls it my strawberry/arugula/dessert salad!) Anyhow, I am in the middle of my dessert salad and only half watching an old rerun of the "Golden Girls" when Mom calls. I have been avoiding her for months now. I have been angry at her. She is manipulative, controlling and thinks it her life's business to see me wed. In fact I am convinced that the day I am married she will actually involuntarily levitate with smug satisfaction. She interferes in my life in most every way imaginable. Lately since I have been laying down boundaries she does it in round about ways...I love the woman but SHE DRIVES ME NUTS!

So today she calls to see if I am feeling any better. I am not mom. I am heartbroken and I hurt. A lot. I was engaged while you were here because you connived it to happen, and it happened in a way I did not want it. But YOU got what you wanted. And now it is over. I am disengaged and in fact more than that I am heartbroken and miserable. It is not all you. A lot of it has to do with me and yes quite a lot also has to do with the said man- but then this one is about Mom and me.

So some weeks ago I find an e mail in my box. It is a dating event in NYC by Millan.com or some such. I believe it is by the APPNA people.(I so do not want to marry another doctor Mom!!!) And then there is another e mail from her in my inbox again. I shudder secretly, wondering if I am going to have random, Harvard and Yale eligible bachelors calling my cell number because our "moms" have decided we must become acquainted and get to know each other. I had to resort to some pretty nasty shenanigans to make that stop the last time. Sigh...

It is ironic then that she states to me this phone call- "You should have just married Dr. Khurram!" For those of you who have heard the stories of Dr. Khurram, I roll my eyes. He is a sweetheart but NOT FOR ME! I say some choice words to my Mom as I fight and talk at her in indignation. And finally done and exhausted I hang up.

As I turn my attention back to the Golden Girls I am amazed to see my life unfold on the screen...lol... Dorothy has been set up to go on a date with some felon, by Sofia! Dorothy walks in and talks at her mom (just like I have just finished doing) and states,
"You wrinkled old Sicilian prune. Stop meddling in my life!!!"
And Sofia mutters off into the background.
I chuckle to myself despite my tears- it is a version of what I have just said to my mother and for the same reasons...and she muttered off into the background... ahh I love my mom!

In tears after the fight with my Mom I don't know whether to laugh or to cry at this moment. I am reminded of the last time I saw Mom- at the airport this September. Ironically the person checking her in at the airline counter this time was none other that the same man who had asked for my number here. I kid you not. What are the odds right? Apparently quite good! I recall ducking my head real fast when I saw him- but not before the man had met my eyes, and I know he recognized me. He looked real close at my  (then) "fiance`" and did not even charge my mom for her excess baggage. I guess there are perks to things after all... Ah life!

So dear Mom- I love you! I HATE it when you try to set me up with your Doctors and Lawyers and Indian Chiefs! Ease up on me will you- I am HEART BROKEN! I have lost the man I loved- I am in pain and substituting another in his stead will not help me. I don't NEED a man. I am just fine without one. In fact I have learned how to cook steak by myself on my big bad gas grill...lol... and this Thanksgiving I am going to grill on a charcoal grill at a cabin by myself! Bubbs and I are planning a fabulous trip. Who needs a man to live life. It is kind of nice to find one who loves you and who you love back and one you can trust and who can trust you. It is great to have one who makes your life beautiful because you WANT to be with him and he with you. It is neat to plan and dream and live with someone you adore and vice versa- But I DO NOT NEED A MAN! I would LIKE one who I love being around. BUT I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

So man- out there- wherever you are...
MAN-out there- whoever you are and who is meant for me...

Dear Man, don't take too long to find your way to me.
I'm keeping my heart and my eyes open.
I don't need you to take care of me- I can take care of myself...
But if you would like to walk alongside me in life
If you care to see me as an equal,
If you can be mine and mine only (I do not share very well)
I promise to be yours and yours truly
Maybe we can make a life together...
And perhaps even give a shot at this "happily ever after"

But if not-
And alone is my lot in life
I am content to be alone-
I would rather be alone
Than lonely in a relationship...

So My Dear Mom,
Forgive me my harsh words.
Please let me be-
I am quite content, or will be when my heart heals-
What is heartbreak if not a part of love-
I had heart enough to love and give it all
I have heart enough to hurt and lose it all-
I will be fine in time.
This too shall pass.
Send a prayer or two my way
And Mom-
I LOVE YOU!

And as my dear friend Ken said to me-
"You've got to be prepared to lose everything to gain the world! This is the ride and they lied when they said it was all good. It's not about the destination but about the journey. It is always the things you don't plan that make life exciting and interesting and challenging and beautiful... Good things happen when you least expect them. And we don't have nearly as much free will as we think we do..."
And lastly he made me smile when he said,
"And hey- you look great in leather!"

And I do look great in leather ;)

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Holy smokes... that's a lot of leather. Haha. I wear leather boots every day. That's about the extend of leather (real leather) in my life.

Girl meets grill. Keep it up!

Mom and dad are off my case since I threw a tantrum after they introduced the idea of marriage. I'm not a misogamer, but I do not think that I need marriage for keeping society and happiness.

Go to the mosque on Eid and socialize. I am contemplating whether I should or not. I think it is rather evil of me to go, considering my religious orientation. LOL.

ReeBz said...

whats the secret of this smartness haan;)? serioulsy your tips will help me to keep myself maintained :D!

I'm seriously touched by reading this. If you dun mind would you like sharing that why were you divorced:(?

Anonymous said...

Just wondering... you mentioned in your The News US magazine interview that your parents used to be somewhat of hippies, then why does your mother want you to marry a Harvard/ Yale grad, doctor or lawyer?

Shahnaz said...

amna-

'cos she's a DESI mom....lol...! at the end of the day desi parents are ALL that way! she understands every now and then. i think at this point- the fact that i am hurting makes her want to "fix" me and that is her way of fixing it for me. find me a lawyer/doctor/Indian Chief to make me happy again! mom's they always do that. try to make the hurt go away... some hurts don't go away with substituting something else... some hurts just hurt and they need to be felt and that is that. i hurt. i lost someone i loved.. and no one else can fill that spot and make it better (for now at least) but in her mind- shahnaz lost a doll. here let me give her a new one aand she will forget about the old one. it does not work like that- besides she does not even know what kind of dolls make me happy. only i know that....

Anonymous said...

LOL... hmmm. Now, I'm wondering why "Indian Chief" is next in queue with doc, lawyer... instead of engineer. Hehe.

I completely understand what you are saying. In fact, this is what I was thinking too. If you let them think that you are hurting then your family will try to fix things by telling you to get married, the biggest fixer-upper people think exists.

I try to be happy on my own, and not throw tantrums so much so that they wouldn't bring up marriage to fix me. Just focus on the good stuff. The more you make yourself vulnerable the more bad attention you get.

I don't know if you can relate. I mean you don't want to stay cut off with her for long intervals.

My brother is a different story. Every time I talk to him, he tells me to move to the States and get an MBA regardless of what I'm interested in.

I know how hippie-like parents can turn conservative when it comes to these sort of things. The inconsistency pisses me off, but I stick to my own thinking.

Ahsan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

What makeup products do you use? Any specific brand like mac, lancome or estee lauder?

Anonymous said...

What make up brands do you ussssee??

Shahnaz said...

anonymous

I use very generic stuff. mostly neutrogena, covergirl, just pharmacy bought stuff-

i used to splurge on lancome and YSL but the other stuff works just as well....

Anonymous said...

wow, you're gorgoeus..!!!!!!!! i love lancome though. i thought u used to use pricey stuff!! :)

Shahnaz said...

anonymous- i did. but there really is no difference in the make up as far as i can tell. so i save on that and splurge on shoes and perfume. lol...

Unknown said...

well here is one for you...

my mom to me on eid:

'even prince william is getting married now... !!!!'

we are all in the same boat :) some boats just rock a bit harder than the others!

hugs and love! xxx

Anonymous said...

I wish I could find u as ABC shahnaz :( in ur whole Blog.......Live a life like pakistani plz...I wish & pray for ur daughter to have a true Pakistani cultural life in real.
May Allah bless u & ur family

Shahnaz said...

@anonymous-

please: when blessed with a brain use it!

the ABC shahnaz is a FICTIONAL character. it is not ME-

i will live my life the way I want to live it- do i tell YOU how to live your life? then what gives you the right to tell me how to live mine hunh?

my daughter is exactly that- MY DAUGHTER_ and I will raise her the way I WANT to raise her.

Thanks for your prayers- they are welcomed. As for your advice- I don't remember ever asking for it so kindly keep it to yourselfand next time havethe balls to leave a name-

if you are such a coward as to not even be able to leave your NAME why feel that you have the right to give any advice- eh?

if you don't like what you read on my blog- don't come and read it-