Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Anonymous-

Dear heart-

It takes a lifetime to learn how to live- and we are but babies at life.

I learned a lot this past weekend. I learn a lot everyday. If I will let myself, and not be afraid of the pain, I learn a lot from the pain. The pain is a curtain and once you can embrace and accept the pain, you are free to get past the curtain to see yourself and reality and truth and learning happens quite naturally...

This weekend I learned that I am only responsible for my own happiness.

I tried so hard to make him happy. To be there for him and to love and give. I had nothing to give and still I would take away from me and give. I work long days. I work out after work. I come home and we do dinner, my kid and I and then I get her ready for bed and I do the same and it used to be hard. To make time for him, for "us"- But I still would. Exhausted beyond belief I'd fall  into bed and call...and it was worth it, don't get me wrong. I loved that time with him... but I had none left for me you see. I resented that after a while. I resented the fact that I never had enough of me. To give to the ones I loved and to save some for me. I resented him after a while. Some days I resented my kid, my mom, my job, my life- I resented everything. I was so unhappy. And I never got back in return. I never got him. At least not in the way I wanted. Or thought I wanted....

Truth is, dear heart, I was just unhappy in me. He gave what he could in his way. He gave all he could in his way. That is why I can wish him well and forgive and love...

You see when we love, we sometimes lose ourselves. When love is too intense, the self is lost and blurred. While it may feel great-the rush of it, it is never healthy. To lose so much of yourself in someone that if you let go you would fall. Because you do fall when you let go- And then you become afraid and then you cling so that you will not fall. You have lost so much of you that now you feel like you need the other simply to live. And then you try to use them to fill up what you have lost. And then you try to control and to own them because you think they are a part of you- you forget that they are individuals separate from you with their own identity and needs and their own goals and their own happiness to think of too. And if they try to struggle and point that out- you get angry and you resent them....

That is not love- my dear. That is enmeshment.

A true, robust and healthy love will allow you to be able to stand alone. You will not need the other. You will not fall without the other. You will choose to be with  the other. Every single day and every single moment you spend with them will be a choice. You will choose them above whatever else you could be doing because that is your happiness to make that choice. And in doing so you will not grudge or resent them. Because you have chosen to be in their company- not out of need, and not for them, but for YOU. And you will choose to do other things too- for you because they make you happy. And sometimes your happiness lies in being alone, or without them, or with others and that is okay... At the end of the day- you are responsible for your own happiness.

A true love is a free love. It does not hold you back.

I lost track of it for a while. I tried to dictate my desires on him. I wanted him to move down here. Honestly, why should he? If his happiness lies in something else- that is what he needs to do. I tried to tell him who he could and could not be friends with, and again- who am I to say that? If his happiness lies in something else that is where he needs to be.

I did those things because that is what my happiness lay in. My happiness lay in having the person I love near me, not in a different city in a different state. I tried to dictate that on him. Truth is I just had to accept that. I tried to dictate who he could be friends with because some friends of his compromised my trust. And again, truth is he can be with whoever he wants. My happiness lay in me not being in that situation. I felt I could not be without him. Truth is I could not be in that situation. And I tried to control that situation so I could keep him. But how do you control something out of your control? How do you keep something that cannot be happy with you? How can you stay where you are not happy?

Distance/friends/situations- I was not happy with any of those. I tried to control all of those. They were not mine to control. If I had been wiser, I would have known that the only thing I have control over is me. I was wise. I did realize at times, I just did not know how to let him go- I loved him so. I was so enmeshed. Our lives so entwined, that to be without him felt like death. I had given up so much of me just to be with him that I became enmeshed. He gave up a lot. I gave up a lot. And in the end we lost who we were. And we resented each other for that.

A true love is a free love. It is given freely. And accepted freely. And whatever is offered is accepted and is enough. No more is demanded or commanded. Whatever is offered is graciously accepted. That is when it is a choice love-

I learned that this weekend-
That my first duty is to MYSELF! I am responsible for my own happiness.

And so yes, I understand why my dear love did what he did- because his first duty lay to HIMSELF! I love him in spite of that. He is not mine to control. My love for him needs no ownership. I don't even want to know what he does lately. The knowing just hurts because it triggers an ownership or a desire to own. Questions of him moving on so fast hurt and haunt. Do I love him so he can love me back? Not really. I love him because I love him. I do not know how to UN love him. And I accept that. Do I wish he loved me back? Yes. Can I control that? No. Do I miss him? A whole lot. Can I change that? Absolutely not.

Is my happiness dependent on him? Not really. My happiness is dependent on me. Would it be nice if I had him in my life? Yes. Will my life end without him? No. Can I be happy without him? I am going to try to be happy, with all my might and I hope I will succeed. In time I hope I will get there. If I will take the time to love me and care for me and fill me up on my own, I will not need him or anyone else to fill me up. In that case I will be free to love freely.

That is what I am working on. Freeing myself and filling myself. And it takes a lifetime to do that. I do not need to be in a rush. It is a slow process and requires toil and hardship-because in some ways I have to undo myself and remake myself. And that can hurt at times, especially when I was so entwined in him. ... But it is well worth the effort. I need to untangle from the hurt and pain and discard the bad and keep only the good. Forgiveness helps there. It helps me to untangle and let go of the bad and keep only the good. And there was a lot of good. He was a good man and he loved me. And I loved him back. That is all I want to take along on my way. The rest as they say- is history...

I am a novice- merely a baby at this, and it is a lifetime of learning... But I am walking- taking my baby steps and I am learning....

It takes patience and love and kindness and all must be directed at me. I must learn to be kind and patient and loving towards myself and in time I will be free.

Free to love and free to be me.

When I can learn to love freely I will be deserving of a worthy love- and I hope a worthy love- a free love, will find it's way into my life. What is mine will come my way- It will never go astray. If it is not mine- nothing will make it stay... I am learning to accept that.

So yes, I can say- Go dear love and be at peace. I hope you will find your happiness-

And my dear anonymous- I hope this helped.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Reminds me of chapter/ concept "Infusion" of The Cindrella Complex.

Khalil Gibran's words: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8lNWqsTSIzM&feature=related

Anonymous said...

Dear Shahnaz,

Thank you so much for this message and kindly forgive me for my extremely late reply. Everyday I thought to reply to this message but wasn’t sure what to say or how to say it.

I read this message about seven times, then re-read it and finally printed it out so I could read it in the evening.

I wont deny what you have written, you are 1000% right BUT –

Sometimes, Shahnaz, the pain is not worth it. You can love and love again, you’re right, you can end up giving a lot and yourself too and then you lose yourself in the process and it hurts…oh it hurts a lot….!! The pain becomes unbearable, it becomes a gap that slowly slowly eats away your soul as love itself is not love from body to body, but in fact, love is from soul to soul.

Shahnaz, how can you not be afraid of the pain…? I fear pain becomes it makes me become someone I am not. I become depressed, weak and I succumb to the pain then when I cant feel pain, I give myself pain physically like the use of sharp objects to cut myself as that releases pain and mentally I think ‘I deserve it.’

Oh Shahnaz, why is it when we love someone, sometimes we can love them to the extent that we can leave them if they’re not happy with us…? I loved a man, I truly loved him and he knows it too and he loved me a lot too…but we had to separate for the right reasons (due to curcumstances) and time was not on our side…

I left him for the right reasons but he despised me for it, HURT me through words, gave me a lot of pain..i took it…I took it all..and did not say anything in return because inside I was crumbling and too weak to fight back so I let it be.

Can I learn from the pain? In my past relationships, I was cheated upon, humiliated and betrayed …I still cant get past that. So to say, that I can learn from the pain now in my latest relationship….is not true. I cant get past the pain so I cant learn anything from it.

Yes, we’re responsible for our own happiness but isn’t happiness given double fold when we actually share it with someone…? Cant others make us happy or Shahnaz are me and you like angels where we always do good to others, give everything away including parts of ourselves and get absolutely nothing in return…?!

Yes we’re responsible for our own happiness and yes we are in charge of our own feelings but what if someone makes you feel in a certain way. The other becomes a part of you so considering they are a ‘part of you’ and they say something negative to you – anger or otherwise – then it does hurt, it does attack the feelings, it does make the happiness more bitter because the truth is that what they say is partially true as ‘they are a part of you’ so technically ‘yourself’ is talking to ‘you’.
It’s a terrible world – we give others the power to hurt us, to make us unhappy and bitter and to some extent we stop living because of what they do to us. You end up loosing more than you initially hoped for. When you fall in the trap of love, you risk loosing yourself, a part of you, you risk ure happiness, ure feelings, you risk it all – for one person. Is that worth it…??

What if a time comes when they cant even remember you…? Wont that hurt? What if they get married, wont you regret it…? It’s the words of ‘if only’ which makes us go into oblivion…if only I did this or that….if only this didn’t happen….if only I knew….so many ‘ifs’…..they’ll always exist.

“A true love is a free love. It does not hold you back.” You’re 100% right but sometimes we cant have the entire package. I was willing to sacrifice my entire freedom for this guy I loved…. :’( Im gonna start crying again.

Anonymous said...

Dear Shahnaz,

Thank you so much for this message and kindly forgive me for my extremely late reply. Everyday I thought to reply to this message but wasn’t sure what to say or how to say it.

I read this message about seven times, then re-read it and finally printed it out so I could read it in the evening.

I wont deny what you have written, you are 1000% right BUT –

Sometimes, Shahnaz, the pain is not worth it. You can love and love again, you’re right, you can end up giving a lot and yourself too and then you lose yourself in the process and it hurts…oh it hurts a lot….!! The pain becomes unbearable, it becomes a gap that slowly slowly eats away your soul as love itself is not love from body to body, but in fact, love is from soul to soul.

Shahnaz, how can you not be afraid of the pain…? I fear pain becomes it makes me become someone I am not. I become depressed, weak and I succumb to the pain then when I cant feel pain, I give myself pain physically like the use of sharp objects to cut myself as that releases pain and mentally I think ‘I deserve it.’

Oh Shahnaz, why is it when we love someone, sometimes we can love them to the extent that we can leave them if they’re not happy with us…? I loved a man, I truly loved him and he knows it too and he loved me a lot too…but we had to separate for the right reasons (due to curcumstances) and time was not on our side…

I left him for the right reasons but he despised me for it, HURT me through words, gave me a lot of pain..i took it…I took it all..and did not say anything in return because inside I was crumbling and too weak to fight back so I let it be.

Can I learn from the pain? In my past relationships, I was cheated upon, humiliated and betrayed …I still cant get past that. So to say, that I can learn from the pain now in my latest relationship….is not true. I cant get past the pain so I cant learn anything from it.

Yes, we’re responsible for our own happiness but isn’t happiness given double fold when we actually share it with someone…? Cant others make us happy or Shahnaz are me and you like angels where we always do good to others, give everything away including parts of ourselves and get absolutely nothing in return…?!

Yes we’re responsible for our own happiness and yes we are in charge of our own feelings but what if someone makes you feel in a certain way. The other becomes a part of you so considering they are a ‘part of you’ and they say something negative to you – anger or otherwise – then it does hurt, it does attack the feelings, it does make the happiness more bitter because the truth is that what they say is partially true as ‘they are a part of you’ so technically ‘yourself’ is talking to ‘you’.
It’s a terrible world – we give others the power to hurt us, to make us unhappy and bitter and to some extent we stop living because of what they do to us. You end up loosing more than you initially hoped for. When you fall in the trap of love, you risk loosing yourself, a part of you, you risk ure happiness, ure feelings, you risk it all – for one person. Is that worth it…??

What if a time comes when they cant even remember you…? Wont that hurt? What if they get married, wont you regret it…? It’s the words of ‘if only’ which makes us go into oblivion…if only I did this or that….if only this didn’t happen….if only I knew….so many ‘ifs’…..they’ll always exist.

“A true love is a free love. It does not hold you back.” You’re 100% right but sometimes we cant have the entire package. I was willing to sacrifice my entire freedom for this guy I loved…. :’( Im gonna start crying again.

Anonymous said...

Dear Shahnaz,

Thank you so much for this message and kindly forgive me for my extremely late reply. Everyday I thought to reply to this message but wasn’t sure what to say or how to say it.

I read this message about seven times, then re-read it and finally printed it out so I could read it in the evening.

I wont deny what you have written, you are 1000% right BUT –

Sometimes, Shahnaz, the pain is not worth it. You can love and love again, you’re right, you can end up giving a lot and yourself too and then you lose yourself in the process and it hurts…oh it hurts a lot….!! The pain becomes unbearable, it becomes a gap that slowly slowly eats away your soul as love itself is not love from body to body, but in fact, love is from soul to soul.

Shahnaz, how can you not be afraid of the pain…? I fear pain becomes it makes me become someone I am not. I become depressed, weak and I succumb to the pain then when I cant feel pain, I give myself pain physically like the use of sharp objects to cut myself as that releases pain and mentally I think ‘I deserve it.’

Oh Shahnaz, why is it when we love someone, sometimes we can love them to the extent that we can leave them if they’re not happy with us…? I loved a man, I truly loved him and he knows it too and he loved me a lot too…but we had to separate for the right reasons (due to curcumstances) and time was not on our side…

I left him for the right reasons but he despised me for it, HURT me through words, gave me a lot of pain..i took it…I took it all..and did not say anything in return because inside I was crumbling and too weak to fight back so I let it be.

Can I learn from the pain? In my past relationships, I was cheated upon, humiliated and betrayed …I still cant get past that. So to say, that I can learn from the pain now in my latest relationship….is not true. I cant get past the pain so I cant learn anything from it.

Yes, we’re responsible for our own happiness but isn’t happiness given double fold when we actually share it with someone…? Cant others make us happy or Shahnaz are me and you like angels where we always do good to others, give everything away including parts of ourselves and get absolutely nothing in return…?!

Yes we’re responsible for our own happiness and yes we are in charge of our own feelings but what if someone makes you feel in a certain way. The other becomes a part of you so considering they are a ‘part of you’ and they say something negative to you – anger or otherwise – then it does hurt, it does attack the feelings, it does make the happiness more bitter because the truth is that what they say is partially true as ‘they are a part of you’ so technically ‘yourself’ is talking to ‘you’.
It’s a terrible world – we give others the power to hurt us, to make us unhappy and bitter and to some extent we stop living because of what they do to us. You end up loosing more than you initially hoped for. When you fall in the trap of love, you risk loosing yourself, a part of you, you risk ure happiness, ure feelings, you risk it all – for one person. Is that worth it…??

What if a time comes when they cant even remember you…? Wont that hurt? What if they get married, wont you regret it…? It’s the words of ‘if only’ which makes us go into oblivion…if only I did this or that….if only this didn’t happen….if only I knew….so many ‘ifs’…..they’ll always exist.

“A true love is a free love. It does not hold you back.” You’re 100% right but sometimes we cant have the entire package. I was willing to sacrifice my entire freedom for this guy I loved…. :’( Im gonna start crying again.

Anonymous said...

Dear Shahnaz,

Thank you so much for this message and kindly forgive me for my extremely late reply. Everyday I thought to reply to this message but wasn’t sure what to say or how to say it.

I read this message about seven times, then re-read it and finally printed it out so I could read it in the evening.

I wont deny what you have written, you are 1000% right BUT –

Sometimes, Shahnaz, the pain is not worth it. You can love and love again, you’re right, you can end up giving a lot and yourself too and then you lose yourself in the process and it hurts…oh it hurts a lot….!! The pain becomes unbearable, it becomes a gap that slowly slowly eats away your soul as love itself is not love from body to body, but in fact, love is from soul to soul.

Shahnaz, how can you not be afraid of the pain…? I fear pain becomes it makes me become someone I am not. I become depressed, weak and I succumb to the pain then when I cant feel pain, I give myself pain physically like the use of sharp objects to cut myself as that releases pain and mentally I think ‘I deserve it.’

Oh Shahnaz, why is it when we love someone, sometimes we can love them to the extent that we can leave them if they’re not happy with us…? I loved a man, I truly loved him and he knows it too and he loved me a lot too…but we had to separate for the right reasons (due to curcumstances) and time was not on our side…

Anonymous said...

I left him for the right reasons but he despised me for it, HURT me through words, gave me a lot of pain..i took it…I took it all..and did not say anything in return because inside I was crumbling and too weak to fight back so I let it be.

Can I learn from the pain? In my past relationships, I was cheated upon, humiliated and betrayed …I still cant get past that. So to say, that I can learn from the pain now in my latest relationship….is not true. I cant get past the pain so I cant learn anything from it.

Yes, we’re responsible for our own happiness but isn’t happiness given double fold when we actually share it with someone…? Cant others make us happy or Shahnaz are me and you like angels where we always do good to others, give everything away including parts of ourselves and get absolutely nothing in return…?!

Yes we’re responsible for our own happiness and yes we are in charge of our own feelings but what if someone makes you feel in a certain way. The other becomes a part of you so considering they are a ‘part of you’ and they say something negative to you – anger or otherwise – then it does hurt, it does attack the feelings, it does make the happiness more bitter because the truth is that what they say is partially true as ‘they are a part of you’ so technically ‘yourself’ is talking to ‘you’.

Anonymous said...

It’s a terrible world – we give others the power to hurt us, to make us unhappy and bitter and to some extent we stop living because of what they do to us. You end up loosing more than you initially hoped for. When you fall in the trap of love, you risk loosing yourself, a part of you, you risk ure happiness, ure feelings, you risk it all – for one person. Is that worth it…??

What if a time comes when they cant even remember you…? Wont that hurt? What if they get married, wont you regret it…? It’s the words of ‘if only’ which makes us go into oblivion…if only I did this or that….if only this didn’t happen….if only I knew….so many ‘ifs’…..they’ll always exist.

“A true love is a free love. It does not hold you back.” You’re 100% right but sometimes we cant have the entire package. I was willing to sacrifice my entire freedom for this guy I loved…. :’( Im gonna start crying again.

My dear Shahnaz, please tell me, how do you ‘be happy…?’ How do you live your life to the fullest?? I would love details on these two questions but your time is precious so I wont ask you to write me a long message as you kindly did for me with this message. Truth be told – I saved this message in my diary. Why? Because I admire your words, I cherish words and your words mean a lot to me. They fill up the emptiness in my soul. I promise you I wont misuse your words as I know you don’t like people saving your writing. I respect that so you can trust me. I wont misuse your precious words.

I can understand how it feels to be enmeshed in the other and having lives so entwined that it becomes difficult to untangle yourself from the other. I still haven’t learnt how to ‘untangle’ the self or to let go..im trying…one day I might just get there…..

Anonymous said...

Finally, Shahnaz, forgive me for my long message and my unbelievable long questions but even when we learn to love freely…how long will we wait ‘for a worthy love’…….Do you truly believe what is ours, will be ours….?? I would like to believe in that because its comforting but I need a perspective and lately I have lost all perspective….

Thank you sooooo much for your message, you have no idea how much it means to me and how much insight it gave to me…it truly truly meant a lot to me and Shahanz, ure amazing, beautiful and very very kind. You have the power to change peoples lives as you did mine. Celebrate that and many more good times ahead…!!You are worth so much in life and deserving a lot more. I truly pray all your hopes, dreams, ambitions come true in life and u get an unbelieveable amount of happiness..!!!

Peace, Shahnaz

Take care of ure beautiful self - your readers need you. We will be lost without you, I know I would be.

From anonymous

Anonymous said...

Im sorry, I had to send it in too many message slots. Please forgive me..!!! Mail was too large - my fault alone, kindly forgive me.

Anonymous said...

i really identify with the article.
I was also "enmeshed" by my ex--enjoying my freedon now!