A dull ache-

And now all that remains is a dull ache...

Mornings are the hardest-
They always have been.
Wake up from slumber to a fresh new day
And that is the first thought that crosses my mind.
Him.
And then comes the crushing force of memories, anger, pain, betrayal, hurt, forgiveness and eventually
A peace...of sorts
Get up- make the bed,
Open wide the curtains to let in the light
And I wonder again
What will be?
Do I even ever want to see him again?
And sometimes it is a yes
And sometimes it is a no
More recently it has been
I don't know...
And all that remains now
Is a dull ache
Building up sometimes
And then simmering down low

It is what it is.
And I have survived it.
And I am not dead
I must, therefore, be stronger
Than I thought I was
I must therefore be stronger
Than I used to be
And wiser too

I cried a little yesterday
Because my daughter left home for the holidays
I fought with her yesterday
Because she was leaving
And then I apologized and told her why I fought
"I always fight with people when they leave"
I told her...
"It is because I do not want them to leave. I am merely hurt and sad and it comes out in fights instead."
She listened. She understood. She told me she loved me.
I remembered fighting with my mother before she was to leave. I remembered fighting with M. before he left and before I left. I fight and I fight and now I am tired.
So I told her- my kid,
"I am tired of fighting...maybe I'll just hug you instead..."
And so I did
and then she was gone...

And now all that remains
Is just a dull ache instead

I have fought with most everyone I know
I told him as I lay in his arms
I hate being controlled
I hate being manipulated
People in my life
Do that to me all the time

Try to control who I can and cannot be friends with
What I can and cannot do
What I eat
How I eat
If I am sad
If I am glad
"You should be happy"
"You should be mad"
"You need to get over"
"You need to- this and that..."
How about if I just am
The way I am
And that would be enough...
I don't want to eat pizza
I like to work out
I have many friends
And yes I can hurt
Some days I feel sad
Just let me be
Please...
And then maybe it isn't even them that I am mad at
It is me
Because I cannot control them
But I can control me
I am not too strong
To control me all the time
So it is so much simpler
To blame them I see
And then I am humbled
And then I can see
It isn't them at all
It is all really me

And then it returns
The dull ache
As I have to start from scratch
With me again
And try to be kind
And accepting and patient
With me-
So yes
It's back to square "1"
and I shall do it over and over and over again
Until I get it

Like I do with my new boxing set
Step by step
Uppercut-jab
Duck
Repeat
Stay on the balls of your feet
...

Oh did I mention-
I got a boxing set!
I punch away with glee
In my kitchen
To the beat of some awesome music
Dull ache and all
Life goes on....