My Wednesdays are good days when I spend some time in the company of Gandalf. I adore my mentor and he is a very pivotal part of my life. I sat with him yesterday, as always, a whirlwind of energy. Frenzied and intense and passionate in my thought and articulation. He as always sat still, a perfect foil to me. Subconsciously, I am always aware of the contrast and it soothes me. His stillness. His office. The serenity. The leather and wood paneling. Him...
He talked to me yesterday about my exquisite gift of energy. The fact that others will be attracted to it, envious of it, desire it, and then seeing the tears in my eyes- he also acknowledged the burden of it. I cried because I felt like it. I cried because it was the truth. It is joyous and exuberant. It draws people to me. They come. They stay. I struggle within the confines of closeness because the energy threatens to overflow and break free. It wants to overflow and break free. It is like trying to put the lid on a pressurized container. Me. That is what I am like. That is what it is like to be with me. They make promises that they can handle it, but they cannot really. Once near they want to tame it and contain it. I am owned and managed and handled and for a while I comply but it is a struggle. I am chastised, and criticized. But it leaks out. And I am given the option that if they must remain close I have to be subdued. I must be contained. I am not happy contained. I am happiest free. And then the burden of energy is that to remain with them requires that I be tamed. Or lose them. I keep losing them. My near and dear ones. because they cannot keep up with the energy.
And so I cried. Because of the passion, the anger, the restlessness, the confusion, the torrential constant output that the energy is... And I am it.
He let me sit. He let me cry. He let me fix my face. And then he noted...
"Slowly and steadily, Shahnaz, you are beginning to settle into your energy. And I can see it. And I know that you know what I am talking about, because you have quieted down now. You have been blessed with exquisite beauty and energy that is not just external, and slowly you are learning how to settle into your energy and you will learn how to live a loving life."
One day- when he is long gone. It will all make sense to me. I will turn a corner one day and it will hit me- the AHA moment, and I shall see it, the truth of his words. For he too was once like me and look how he is settled into his energy. I see it, smoldering comfortably, and that is why I gravitate to him. That is why he is patient. That is why he understands. And then he said...
"Yes I too have been there. And in your company I see again the importance of the settling. The value of it. And slowly but steadily, you are getting there too..."
5 comments:
What u said is so true, we all do this. Get involved with someone who is different & exciting. Someone who makes us hot & flustered. Once settled down, we try to change that person and mould him to fit into our proverbial box :)
Human nature? What do u think?
TH
What you want to do in life?
th-
too true my dear... we are all guilty of it. including myself at times. fortunately i can remember and step back and see my mistakes.
sadly it is not just the "box" we want to put them in. we also want to own, possess and lock them away... we should not do that to people we love.
humayun
i want to live life
Well, i want all the people who have this "energy" to settle down. Because at the end of the day I want to assure myself that such people do settle down and they do get loved. It's crazy.. but yes its true we are seeking love. And I really do not understand that is that just the love in love making , or something else; because when it grows out of the confines of ur arms , there comes a hundred things to compromise at. But then its we who have to decide how much the worth of that love is... how much can we change for that love and sometimes 'changing' means to change the person who we really were.. the person for whom he fell for and then its all gone. I mean sometimes it sounds so ridiculous that when u start doing what he wants u to do (be it right or wrong), he changes .. its like u become him and he becomes u.
Shahnaz, I feel that we transfer this energy of ours to that person. May be we need to learn to retain this energy so that this vicious cycle stops someday.
:) = MN
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