The wizard-

Catharsis- Freud described catharsis as an involuntary, instinctive body process, for example crying...

 During my training at Wake Forest, Gandalf often joked with me about being "really up there with Big Daddy Freud!" It was an inside joke see- my eclectic method of therapy included utilizing the psychoanalytic approach to recover suppressed memories that create blocks in our present lives. There is a lot of pain that is locked in, in our pasts. And we continuously add more to that old baggage with the new "junk" we keep adding and carefully locking in...

Today, in the haloed halls of Gandalf's oak paneled and leather furnished office, I arrived at catharsis. John as is his way- sat in acceptance. Of course before catharsis came the words- "You are a most stubborn, spoiled and impatient woman my dear- and I am surprised that you do not get angry at me for saying this to you!" I do not get angry with John. It is hard to get angry with John. He is so accepting of all of my faults. How does one get angry at someone who sees them all and is okay with them, with you? That is the benefit of unconditional positive regard. That is the benefit of a teacher and mentor who sits in acceptance and makes you realize- it is not his acceptance you need, it is not the acceptance of the world and people that matters...rather, it is self acceptance.

I sat and cried. And in the tears I recognized my stubbornness. I recognized that I talk too fast and too much and too loud and refuse to listen- and I sat in silence after poor John had said, "I wish I had a gadget that if I pressed a button would render you incapable of interrupting me, so that I could finish what I want to say-And I am going to finish saying it damn it Shahnaz!" We both laughed at this. And then I cried. Because he is right.

I do not listen. I have a brilliant brain that processes super fast and before the sentence is even finished by the other, I have already formulated my response and defense and supporting evidence! The other person does not stand a chance at that rate and speed. And few in my life are as accepting and as like me to weather it well. He is one of them. I do it because I do not want to see what they see and know. I do not want to face me. They see me. They know me. And they accept me. I do not accept that part of me. And so in an effort to prevent myself from seeing it, I talk my way out of seeing it.

Today was different. Today I sat with it and faced it. Today I saw it. Today it made me cry. Today I became aware. Today I came at acceptance. Today I was set free so to speak. Today I took a step forward and looked at me. Today I did not cringe away. Today I am flawed and I am okay with it. Today I am at peace with me.

And all the wound up restless energy of the coiled spring that I have been, slowly lets out and releases me...

Gandalf, what a mirror you are to me!