For anonymous-

Listen to the lyrics-

They change from someone else loving you the most, to YOU loving you the most...
Such is life-

Only you can save you
Only you can truly love you to fulfillment
No one can fill you up but you
Or give you peace like you....

Find YOU my dear.
Do not seek to control anything or anyone... but simply go with the flow of life...
Much love from my end.

Beautiful flowers!

So guess what? After I was done working out and got to my car, these beautiful flowers were waiting for me sitting on the ground by the driver's side door! They made me smile... and were the perfect ending to an awesome day!

Wisdom from Gandalf-
Rediscovery-
Freedom-
Joy-
And blissful, happiness...

Ahhhh-

LIFE!

I am so in love with you life-
You break me down and build me up-
Toss me out and raise me high-
Show me truth and make me cry
Show me truth and make me smile

Life-

The exquisite burden of life

Gotta love it!

P.S- T.C. Thanks soooo much! They are beautiful and I LOVE them!

floating on a breeze-

i feel ambivalent
weather is great
time ticks on
tide holds sway
i breeze through the day
in a haze
of yesterday
and today
wisp of memory
gust of now
scent of tomorrow
lingers somehow
(how can the future linger)
but it does
the red tie
is reborn
and so
i learn
to float away
like a dream
within a dream

"i do not fear storms...
for i am learning to sail a ship!"
(Louisa May Alcott)

today...

So Heather and I sobbed listening to this one in my office today-
She in love-
Me in loss-
Ahhhhhhh the irony!

h-o-p-e

Hope is a four letter word

I have run from me and from my love in circles and finally this weekend I faced it. And it poured out. The pain of it poured out. I sobbed all weekend long. At points I did not even know why I cried- the tears just kept falling. On one such evening, my friend sat close by and hugged me tight and changed the music from time to time and did not intrude, just let me sob it out. I did not plan to cry there. It just happened there. And it was ironic- the venue of my purge.

I was surrounded by walls of a beautiful place. A place I love. A place of both hurt and joy. A place of memories. A place of discovery. I was in the company of someone who incidentally has been present at my most significant life events. It was fitting then, that it was in their presence that the tears came.

The next day, I called my love. But there was none. I was standing alone in a bubble. I realized I have been alone for a long, long time- I just did not know it. It hurt. My heart cracked a little more. I wondered to myself- has there ever been love? And I did not know the answer even to that. I know I love. And now I must let go. Release. And so I do-

HOPE- is a four letter word.

I am despondent.
now...
But there is HOPE for tomorrow.

I am alone.
now...
But there is HOPE for tomorrow.

I have not what I want.
now...
But there is HOPE for tomorrow.

I look around and yet another world, I carefully constructed, falls to ruin. I look on and see the paint peel and the walls decay and the color begin to fade. I stare into what is and know- it is... and cannot hold back the tides of fate. I take a breath and gasp! As it slips away- like life pulled out, untimely, from my being. And it hurts. It hurts like hell... and I am amazed that I can stand the pain. I am facing it. I am surviving it. I am stronger because of it. I am mellowed with the endurance- of love and heartache and loss and pain. It is a more refined me that emerges. It is a person that can and will love with even greater intensity and commitment in my tomorrow.

And yes there is a hope for a better tomorrow.
There is a hope for a reciprocated love.
There is a hope for joy.
There is a hope for wings, again, to fly high- in love- giddy with the intoxication of it.

It is bittersweet, the hope...

And h-o-p-e is a four letter word.

l-o-v-e

what is it?
where does it come from?
where does it go?
what makes you fall in?
what makes you fall out?
what makes you remember?
what makes you forget?

been there
done that
and i still don't know.

when it starts
everything is perfect
until...
you get to the point where
it just hurts
and all you can do
is run-

you run
to hold on-
to push away-
to get away-
to catch up-

you have it
and you forget how good you have it
the taking is for granted
all you see is the bumps
the annoyances

you fight it
you get rid of it
you get angry
and then one day
the anger subsides
and then...
and then
memory kicks in
and you remember
what you had forgotten
that,
you love...

l-o-v-e
you have it
you lose it
funny thing is,
when you lose it
you don't even remember why?
why it got that way...
why it went bad
when you go back in your head
all that is left is the love
and it makes no sense why it went bad

you look at the person
they still annoy you
the bumps are still visible
and yet
you still love

can't help who you love
can't help why you love
you just love

Face first-

I will face it all
Eyes wide open
No longer afraid
No longer shy
I looked head on
Into the storm
I ended it all
I opened up
I said
Yes- I feel
I hurt
I will move on
It hurts a little
I miss it a little
Some days it actually hurts a lot
But I will not run
From feeling the hurt
I will not hide
From seeing the truth
I will shoot a rifle this weekend
I will seed and feed my yard
I will laugh in the company of friends
I will find comfort in the arms of love
I will renew
I will grow
I have ventures endeavors galore
I will outshine
My yesterdays
I will look on it with ambivalence
And not fight any emotion
Some days I hurt
Some days I laugh
Today-
I am...
I live
Face first

Text message

Symbolic of the entire time together
Seven words sent
Post midnight...
One would think
It deserved
At least a conversation...
9 months spent!
But what "one" thinks
Is not what is-
And so it is
...

Gypsy Loving

Feel the restless
Wind
Stir
Longing
Deep within
Whispers
Entice
Alluring
Intoxicating
Primal
Instinct
Hear the drum beats
Beckon
Gypsy Loving
Now begin
Soft caress
Gently strum
The mandolin
Coax back to life
The broken strings
Heartbeat
Begin to race
Move to the music
Of wilderness
Smell of earth
Crushed grass
Spring flower
In bloom again
After winter's chill
To dance in rhythm
With the gypsy...
Gypsy loving spell

Thank you dear friends...

"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream. .............But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for."
(Sent to me by Usman Ghanni)

In the late afternoon at work today, after having mulled over the jumble of thoughts and having tried to hold on to bleeding, aching heart- I collapsed, and gave in to sadness- of loss and defeat...

And then as fate would have it-
I had words of encouragement and a gift of kindness come my way from a man who knows me only through my blogs and writing and yet is a great friend to me. He took the time out to feel with me. He took the time out to sit with my hurt and then he wrote these beautiful words to help me along the way.

I am blessed indeed in life-
For angels and friends who watch over me-
Who know so little of me and yet feel me-
Who care enough- to want to help,
And make a difference
And they do...
You all do.
My readers
Companions in my literal journey
Well wishers and silent strengths
You lift me up
You make me whole
Every little comment that strikes a chord
Every little defiant shove in the right direction
Every cyber hug and prayer
Kindness and gesture
Is so appreciated, cherished and treasured.

Thank you dear readers and friends for your constant support and presence.

Fuck You Life! (The painting-)

Fuck You Life!

I am lost.
I seem to have lost who I am.
I have an emptiness inside I am seeking to fill.
Loss and Regret.
Pain and Fear.
Hunger.
Sadness.
Hollow Achiness.
Despair...
I don't know what I want anymore.
I just don't know anymore.
And yet,
I want with all my heart.
I want...
WANT
Something.
I am SEEKING.
NEEDING.
Something...
To make me whole.
I want to soar.
I want to fly like the wind.
Spread my wings
Without a care
And dare
To be free
To be ME.
Completely.
Honestly.
ME-
I hear drumbeats in my head,
Desert rhythms- calling my name.
I hear waves crashing,
Angry oceans pulling me away...
I hear the thump of base,
Strobe lights in a discotheque
Whispering- come, come my way...
I can smell a line of coke
The dizzy rush of oblivion
Ecstacy and Wine-
Say, "come to me, you are mine..."
I seek to be numb.
I seek to be lost.
I seek to be found.
I seek to feel it all...
I am an OXYMORON!
Yes,
I am lost...

I need to splatter paint
In angry splashes.
I want to stroke
With tender caress
The blank canvas
Coaxing out in color
What is on my inside.
Pour out the anger.
Pour out the hate.
Paint out the sadness,
Paint out the pain...
Smear on the confusion
Unfairness
Betrayal
Layer it on-
Lies
Deceit
Questions unanswered
Loves unwanted,
Un-gotten,
Lost
Forgotten
Betrayed
Desired
Needed
Un-needed
Despair...
Turmoil
Anger
Tender-Loving-Care...

I want to run-
RUN
Until I can run no more.
Dive off a cliff,
Simply to feel the rush below
Tempt fate.
Throw down the gauntlet,
Sneer at life and say,
"Come on old mate!
You ain't seen nothin' yet...
Try me!
Test me!
Bring it on, Old Adversary-
SO you think this is funny?
You haven't tested me yet!"

And as each blow falls-
And I fall to my knees,
With crippled limb
And bleeding brow,
I shall stagger to my feet
Spit on the ground
And say,
"One more round!
You haven't tried me yet".
I WILL NOT GIVE IN-
Without a fight.
I WILL NOT LAY DOWN
And whisper goodbye.
I will go fighting
For every last breath
And with each gulp of air
My freedom I'll crave
I'll scream it out loud
AND WILL NOT DESPAIR-

"FUCK YOU L-I-F-E!!"

I will bellow out.

"YOU"RE MINE!
JUST MINE-
And I will LIVE
LIVE YOU OUT LOUD!"

I was born to be free.
Born to be WILD!
Born to stand out.
Born to be ME.
Born to disagree-
With convention
With hate
Unfairness and Lies...

I was born
To be strong,
Born to SEE
See it all
And NOT flee.

So yeah,

fuck you life-

I was born to L-I-V-E

There is a lot of fight
There is a lot of life
Left in me yet...

Go on, try me
ME.
You want a piece of me?
I dare you,
Come on!
I mean to
LIVE.
LIVE YOU OUT LOUD-

Just a moment

As my 10 year old struggles through the aches in her life- as the hardships of her station get her down and her tears tug and rip at my heart, I falter in wisdom and understanding even as I come up with just the thing to help her get a grip and learn her strengths.

I showed her this video and had her listen to the song and she fell apart in tears and said, "It's just what I'm feeling mom. It's such a beautiful song..."

I watch with my heart in shreds as her tears fall freely. I am tempted to distract and to fix but I have learned that a broken heart must feel the pain in order to heal... and so I do nothing except comfort and sit with her.

In the mess.
In the pain.
In the tears.
Letting her know...

My love
My child
I am here.
When you need me-
I will be near...

The heartache that abounds
Her with her 10 year old one
Me with my 32 year old one
Ahhh life-
It's just a moment
This time will pass...

pieces

one of my readers sent me this....

simply beautiful-

Lies- Oh how they can break you...

I once witnessed someone break past their anger into sorrow. The defense was broken down and she fell apart and as the sobs wracked her frame, tears streamed down her face and the grief and pain washed over her...

I was in training then-
And I never understood what had occurred within her.

Yesterday- I did.

I was in conversation with CASH and after I had used every bit of indignant fury to fuel my resolve and run about in circles in my head- a wounded animal- thrashing about looking to any direction that would blind me to the pain I felt, I broke past it.

And the grief washed over me.
I sobbed an agony of tears.
I was reminded of that other situation I had once witnessed and I understood what had happened.

Lies-Oh how they can break you...

I thought myself a strong person. Solid to the core. Unshakable. Resilient. But...

Lies- Oh how they can break you.

I looked at the pictures again today. Sad part is- I could just stop looking at them. But I don't stop. I do look-

Every time I do, I feel a stab at my heart. There is a physical reaction that occurs. I look at them. I look at pictures of us. And I break down.

You cannot "unlove" someone. The heart will not allow it. And yet the pain of the lies is unbearable- as is the love... unbearable.

I remember the last time I looked into those eyes and trusted and believed and it breaks me. I remember those eyes. I love those eyes. And they lied to me. And I believed...

Betrayal- It is the worst thing in the world.
Everything loses meaning.
Life loses meaning. Dreams lose meaning.
And when that betrayal comes from one you love- meaning loses meaning...

You wander about aimless- like a compass that is broken, direction-less, meaningless
Spinning in circles, powerless, faithless, hopeless

And in spite of it all you cannot unlove a love
And then you start to run. Run away from yourself. In hopes that you can outrun your love. You thrash about in pain- in vain...

I am brought down to my knees today.
I have run and run and I am broken.

I am reminded of the scene in Braveheart-

The disbelief and disappointment when someone you think you can trust betrays you.
I have lost today.
I am not strong.
I do not hold my head high.
I cannot unlove.
I can no longer even run-
from the pain. from myself. from life. from truth. from lies. from love...

I am brought down to my knees and
I am broken today.

Glass heart

It breaks
It breaks today-
My heart.
Little heart
It breaks today-
The life I dreamed
The life I wished
The things
The things
I need/want/can't have
Simply can't have today
Lost
Slipped away
Gone!
In the blink of an eye
All that is left to show
Love once lived here
Before...
Is a tear soaked heart
Glass heart
Broken and shattered heart
"Tell me", he asked
"What do you keep in this little pocket?"
And as I said my goodbye,
He looked inside
And pulled out my little heart
Glass heart
Whole heart
"I'm giving it to you", I said
"Please don't break it"
"Please take care of it"
But it breaks today
It breaks today...
Little heart
Glass heart
Broken heart
It breaks today
It breaks today

STAY-

Silent screams

When the truth pours out and clarity seeps...
Into the lies that you have believed...
When the world just shatters...
And the pieces fall all around and by your feet...
When agony tears your insides out...
And bleeding heart continues to beat...
When tears just continue to fall...
Down an already tear stained face...
When the pain inside is a living thing...
When images sit up on your screen...
And jeer at you as they smile and grin...
When trust freely given is betrayed...
When love truly offered is squandered away...
When a life simply crumbles...
Even as you scramble to hold on...
When words that were spoken are hollow inside...
The soul utters a wail
That is haunting to behold
The soul screams in pain
That is torment to witness
The soul cries out
And howls a distress
Too unbearable
Even to imagine
And that is why...
When a soul lets out
The screams are
s i l e n t
----------------

Questions

Why...

W-H-Y

WHY!!!!!!!?????

why why why

How could you?
Why would you?

WHY?

Moon-gazing

Stood and talked with the moon last night-
Glowing
Cradled
In gossamer gown
Tendrils of thought
Teased at the seams
As I stood
And listened
And saw
Turmoil
And longing
Conflict
And love
Distance
And closeness
Desire
And want
I watched
And I listened
I spoke
And I thought
And then I came in
And read
My song-
It spoke of love
And yearning for more
It spoke of fates
Of games
Played by the gods
I sat and dreamed
Of precious moments
Of beautiful valentines
Of broken hearts
Of cherished mementos
Of watches and more
Of paper roses
Of love
Of loss
Of poetry
And thoughtfulness
What is the price
Of a golden heart
What is the worth
Of a gift so rare
What is the dream
That most will long for
Speak to me of truth
I ventured to ask
YOU are truth
Came back the reply
...