The journey-Listening

I am a good listener.
I am a terrible listener.
I am both.
It is true...

When I listen to my heart, unafraid of what it has to say- I am a great listener. When I am frozen stiff by the fears in my heart, I turn a deaf ear, I am a terrible listener. I know this fact.

When I anticipate hearing things that scare me- that will hurt me and break me- I panic. I turn my hearing off and I talk. I am a despotic oaf at that time. Rigid, Dogmatic. Authoritarian. Absolute. Uncompromising. A terrible, terrible listener. I will out talk and out argue most anyone alive. Blessed with the gift of gab, and charming manner, sweet smile and all- most will out of kindness, and compassion, love and adoration, inarticulateness and what not- allow me to blunder forth and do so. My dear hearts- who have for years done so- let me win- because you love me- I am so sorry for the insufferable pain I have been. Forgive me- I have been an ass...

This journey- I listened. Not to others, but to  myself. I listened to my fears. My insecurities. My hurts and my worries. I listened to my broken heart- that spoke of pain and of love despite the pain. I did not "should" it, or "would" it...I merely listened to it and it melted into salt... I cried a lot as I listened. And it was healing. I always was so scared of pain and loss. Being scared of it does not make it go away. It just adds more to the mix. The key lies in acceptance. Courage is not- in my opinion- overcoming fear. Courage is accepting fear and proceeding in spite of it.

Am I as afraid as I have ever been. Most certainly. Do I know my fears now- yes. They cease to own me now. I own them. I accept them. I embrace them. And I march onward. They break my heart and tear at my soul. And that too, is okay. My heart and soul have more elasticity now that I accept. There is more fluidity. The threshold for endurance is enhanced with acceptance. There comes a release when there comes acceptance. All the energy that was heretofore wasted on fighting acceptance, now is released and available to create flexibility and generate fluidity.

If I can listen to my fears- I can name them. They cannot catch me unawares and I am not betrayed by my own self, my own weakness in fear. My fear is my strength because it is a known beast. Listening starts with the heart. With knowing your own soul. Once you can know your own soul- you can know your destiny...after all your soul is the soul of God- It was breathed into you by Him-
If you know your soul- you know God- you know everything there is to know...