how and why...

speak to me of love...

many ask "how do you love me...?"
I ask "why do you love me?"

I left a love recently
he asked me how
he asked me when
he never asked me why...

when i told him why
he did not believe
there was doubt
there was mistrust
and anger born of both

i tire of anger
it is in vain
an overcoat emotion
masking what is underneath

speak to me of what lies beneath
speak to me of the why
i care not for the how...

i love a friend of mine
i love him dearly
he is in love with me
that is his misery
i don't even see him much...

my lover does not see
me or my love
he sees in his jealousy
only the past
he dreams up a future
is angry at the past
but in my present
i am lonely
he is never with me
in my now
in my here
in my present
he does not answer
when i ask him why
he does not hear me
when i tell him why...

he wants to know
how
and when
and where
he does not ask
WHY-

i go to my friend
i tell him why
he is angry too
and he makes me cry
he is in love
that is his miery
i don't see him much...

i love my lover like a woman loves a man
i love my lover like a lifetime of choice
i want my lover
i want him with a free will
i want and i desire
i do not need the man
i tell him why...
but he does not understand

he asks me to speak of need
he asks me how and what and where and when
he never asks me why

i love my friend
in him i can see me
he is like a mirror
to me
we are like railroad tracks
we run parallel but we will never meet
i tell him this
it is no crime to love
another
i do not love him as a woman loves a man
i love him like a breeze that blows across the grassland
i do not see him much...
but there will be others
in whom i will reflect a part of me
i will be drawn to them
i will love them
because they give me back a part of me
because they let me see
another side of me
because they let me be
me
they will come
they will go
i will love them all
like a breeze across the grassland
like a wave upon the sand
never like a woman loves a man

i spoke to my friends the other day
they tell me of need
of the human condition
of hows and whats and whens
but what about why?
no one ever asks that
why?

tell me why?

why must i need
why can't i want
and that be enough
why can't i love
my friend and my lover too
after all i have plenty of love

it is because of the what and where and when
that trouble seeps in
i know this

i know it all
but if you will pause
for just a moment
and give me an ear
an open honest ear

let me tell you why-
please
please understand...

my why-
i  have many
whys...

there is the why of fear
i am afraid if i commit i will lose
lose my freedom
my ability to experience
my life
as i choose and want to

let me tell you another why
there is the why of need
i need my choice
i need my freedom
i need to be me
those are needs
they are not wants

i want my lover
i need me
i want my lover
i need choice
i want my lover
i need my freedom

can my want and need coexist
certainly
i don't want more than my lover
i don't want many lovers
my freedom and choice and me
do not mean much else than just that
freedom-choice-me
simply put
i am a simple me
free to choose free to be
me

and that is the only
the simplest the biggest
WHY-
that is why...

is there someone
anyone
who can understand
me and my why...

don't scold the lover

Moses heard a shepherd on the road praying:


“Lord, where are you? I want to help you, to fix your shoes and comb your hair. I want to wash your clothes and pick the lice off.
“I want to bring you milk to kiss your little hands and feet when it’s time for you to go to bed.
“I want to sweep your room and keep it neat. God, my sheep and goats are yours. ”

“Who are you talking to?” Moses could stand it no longer.
“Only something that grows needs milk. Only some one with feet needs shoes. Not G’d!”


The shepherd repented and tore his clothes and sighed and wandered out into the desert.
A sudden revelation came then to Moses.

“You have separated me from one of my own.


“Did you come as a Prophet to unite, or to sever?
“I have given each being a separate and unique way of seeing and knowing and saying that knowledge.
“What seems wrong to you is right for him.
“What is poison to one is honey to someone else.
“Purity and impurity, sloth and diligence in worship, these mean nothing to me.
“I am apart from all that. Ways of worshiping are not to be ranked as better or worse than one another.
“It’s not me that’s glorified in acts of worship. It’s the worshipers!
“I don’t hear the words they say. I look inside at the humility.
“Forget phraseology. I want burning, burning. Be friends with your burning.
“Burn up your thinking and your forms of expression!
“Lovers are who burn...
“Don’t scold the Lover. The “wrong” way he talks is better than a hundred “right” ways of others.
“When you look in a mirror, you see yourself, not the state of the mirror.
“The flute player puts breath into a flute, and who makes the music?
“Not the flute. The flute player!
“Whenever you speak praise or thanksgiving to Me, it’s always like this dear shepherd’s simplicity.”




from Rumi’s “Moses and the Sheperd”, translated by Coleman Barks

like an outburst of energy
a supernova
a leap into the unknown
i took a breath
and i fell
i hit the waves
and shattered into a zillion splinters
shimmering for a brief second
and then slowly submerged
suffocating
drowning
unable to breathe
panic stricken
frantic
slowly dying
and then worth kicked in
worth which is me
by virtue of being
intrinsic
divine
worth kicked in
the struggle to live
to be
free
me
without apology
without regret
without shame
without name
simply
be
me
and so
undone
i am


i can almost feel the chill of understanding when i finally hear the meaning in the lyrics of a song i never really understood in a way i do now

come undone- duran duran

creativity

it is a new beginning indeed-

after a restless moment
after the scramble to find your number
after an email
and another and then a third
i remembered who i am
again
i found the one i had lost
like this...
and with that reading came
the outflow of passion
mine by right
divine
supreme
ishq
i remembered
who i am
i remembered why
i remembered
once before i had sent
"teray ishq ki inteha chahta hun..."
i remembered
how i died
in small increments
again and again
as i sat
as i wasted
as i wept
as i begged
in vain
for your love
for a piece of you
for some vindication
and day by day
as it all fell through
a part of me went away too
...
i have not painted since
"fuck you life"
i have not written since valentine
...
and today my friend said to me
i need to learn how to let a man be a man
and another commented
i already know how
i am just struggling to let go
and it dawned on me
just now
no
no
no
i do know how
i did let go
i fell
so hard
and lay in wait
for someone to help me up
and yet
why?
why did i fall

because we must
fall
in the fall is the break down
in the break the undoing
to be
we must first be undone
and so yes
like a world within a world
and self within a self
a soul in depth
in essence
like plato's cave
a reflection of the truth
and truth within a truth
the journey to the light
the source of knowing
and being and self
and soul and truth
therein lies creativity
and yes
i am undone
and thus
i am
found
....

grief

letting go of what you never had...