It's quite remarkable exactly how much of ourselves we can lose when we are in toxic relationships. I say this with quite a bit of emotion. I have been there and done that- bought the T-shirt and even wrote the book! And in the process, for a long while there- I completely lost who and what I am. I lost sight of everything. I did not even know me anymore and what is worse I forgot who I used to be, so the possibility of returning to me became a distant, elusive dream. One that I yearned for with every fiber of my being- but one to which the map was lost.
It does not happen overnight. This loss of self. It is an insidious disease- an eating away of the very cellular structure of one. It occurs in the most subtle of ways. Under the guise of love and caring, the self is snatched up and torn apart by the significant other. It is a torment I would not wish upon my worst enemy. By the time awareness happens, we are but a hollow shell of who we used to be once. The grief at the death of spirit is a silent wail. A sound that remains forever caught in the throat, for how does one weep the loss when there is no body of evidence? Oh but the knowledge is all encompassing- something has died!! And we are keenly aware of this fact.
I recall watching "Eternal Sunshine...". for the first time ever. It captured my heart. The emotions so delicate and so well portrayed that I gasped in understanding. I watched it a second time and a third and many times more. And each time I learned from the movie. I learned about love. I learned about me.
I LONG FOR THAT. That passionate love that you cannot let go. I long for that. The crazy antics, and yet despite it all, the understanding between the two. I long for that. That throbbing, aching pain of LOVE!
I thought I had it. I might have come close a time or two... But I truly have never had that LOVE that will let me be ME! Completely me. Without demanding, manipulating, extracting change. I will give in if that happens. I always do. I will change if I must. I always do. I am foolish that way. I am a fool in love. But I would not be any other way. I love that about me. That I CAN love that hard. That for my beloved, I will do anything. I love that about me. All that remains is finding one that will do the same- for ME.
I do not ask change of people. It would only alter what I fell in love with at the start. I want them to be true only to their self. It is the only way they can remain happy. And the happiness of one's beloved is a sight to behold.
I was at a training recently and I met a man. He had the image from the movie tattooed on his arm. I asked about it and he told me that his wife was a lot like Kate Winslet's character in the movie and that he was like Jim Carrey's character. It was their favorite movie and reminded them a lot of themselves so on one of their anniversaries they had gotten themselves matching tattoos. My heart cracked just a little bit. I felt a yearning start to grow within me. "I want that", I thought. "And it is real. It does exist! I want that so bad!"
Later that week, as I listened to a friend talk of his heartbreak I mentioned this to him. I told him how much I believed in the existence of crazy, passionate love. And that I would NOT settle for anything less. I would keep looking until I found it. If not I'd rather be alone than lonely with someone.
I am like that girl in the movie too- Crazy, frenzied, scattered...unable to bear the pain of memories. I always try to get rid of tormenting memories and reminders of people. It is just easier to be without them. Life is less burdensome. But one cannot in reality erase...
That is a gift from the heavens. Amnesia just happens one day.
And that is a moment of bliss-
The heavens open up. The song of angels is heard. We breathe a sigh of relief as the heart aches no more for the one that was lost, and thus at last we are freed! It is a beautiful place. A sweet, delectable moment in time. One feels a TON lighter and like a gentle, soft breeze the heart is released.
Free at last to go, to move on, to LOVE again.
It is so with me at last....
It is the moment of the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind-
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