Sunday, October 21, 2012

Eternal Sunshine




I have not painted in over a year and  half. It was with a rush of joy that this one hit me out of the ether. I.Q had asked me once what inspired a painting in me. I had responded, "They are already there- the paintings. They already exist. I just find a canvas for them." It was so with this one too. It just came to me yesterday and I LOVE it!

I call it "eternal sunshine".

I did not have all the materials and color that I wanted, but I always finish a painting in one shot. I have to or I lose the emotion. This one is very significant to me. It is a wounded heart. It's my wounded heart. Over time and heartbreaks it has hardened into a lava rock. I don't like that...at all. I am not a hard person. And it wounds me that I have become that way. That the carelessness of people who have scuffed up my heart has changed my essence. It is brought to my attention when people make the observation to me. I break a little on the inside whenever someone points out how hard I appear to be. I stop in my tracks most days when I realize it myself. I dress in combat gear every fucking day! It's as if I am at war. And I have been for close to three years now.

But my determination is stronger than those that seek to break and conquer me. It has been a journey indeed. This year I traveled to the very depths of my own despair and looked it in the eye. I toyed with destruction. Self and external. I pushed that button many times. I tempted fate, challenged the devil himself to mess with me. I was beaten down and got a few good blows in myself. In the process I gauged my own strength. I learned what my limits are and I was taught to respect them. Nature taught me that. I learned the strength of my arms, became familiar with it, harnessed it, made it mine! In the process, however,  so consumed was I by strength that I lost some of my softness.

eternal sunshine is my heart. Wounds turn our hearts dark and black. We harden them against the cruelties of the world. In time the heart hardens to a solid block. Stoic. Solid. Immovable. Invulnerable. But, ironically, breakable still.... Even a hard heart can break. When a hard heart breaks- it shatters! Been there. Done that too. And.... I...am....done...., with that. I am tired. I want to feel again. Be soft again. I want strong arms that can still hug soft.

eternal sunshine is about transformation.

A return to self. A coming home. Home that exists within me. eternal sunshine is about that hardened heart melting. While it's still dark it's melting and the life blood starts to pump through it again. The hurts pour out in dark rivulets of anguish. They must... To heal one must face the pain fearlessly. There is fresh tenderness too. New life. New love. New joy. New red blood...mixing with painful dark blood. It is scarred and wounded but there is light all around it. Eternal light. Eternal sunshine. Divine light. And there is a spark of divinity in each of us. My faith is firm and my own divine spark renders me resilient. It is the divine spark inside of me that rends apart the hardness, screaming for life. Fighting for it. And this time around, I am fighting for, fighting with, and not against it! It is a glorious joy- to feel again. To offer love and receive it in return. It is as Michael Naylor said...

"It is my heart cracking open..."
And it is a beautiful feeling
eternal sunshine...


4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Self-destruction, don't do that!

Anonymous said...

Self-destruction, don't do that!

Shahnaz said...

@ Anonymous
NEVER! I love life too much and I love me too much to truly self destruct. I have been close and re-emerged. I don't choose to spiral down. At times the downward spiral is necessary to resolve shit and to gain the momentum to soar back up and go higher!
I choose to fly...
It is glorious to soar-
resilience is my middle name. I am struck down but I am a fighter and I will ALWAYS get back up with fight in me still.
Love and hugs whoever you are.
peace!

Anonymous said...

That's a sweet reply Shahnaz, indeed very sweet. felt really good to see your soaring attitude, fly high but never this tall that if you fall, you tumble with pieces of your soul and heart. If it start happening regularly, it becomes your destiny and attachment with 'pain. It's never repairable nor curable. Embrace modesty in everything.