Leap year!

It is a leap year-
Comes by once every four years...
It feels, to me, like getting an extra day in life-
A day filled with possibilities.
A freebie!
Magic-

I believe in magic.
All kinds of magic- faeries and goblins and trolls and all...
But mostly I believe in everyday magic.
The kind that most people miss to see, but it gives me tingles and giggles all over.
I feel effervescent.
Like a fizzy tablet- explosive and sparkly like a firecracker.
Yes, that is the feeling I get when everyday magic happens.
That is how I know- I am in the presence of magic!

Folks-
Today is a magical day-
I can feel it in my bones. I am effervescent and the air around me crackles, I can feel it on my skin.
The aura of the atmosphere is pungent with the smell of magic.
I KNOW IT IS HAPPENING-
Everyday magic...
Now all that matters is to sit back in awe and amazement and go with the flow of it
Find your state of flow today.
Life is in upswing.
Take a deep breath.
Jump!
And then hold on tight for the ride...
Be unafraid.
Believe-
Hope...
And most of all
Dare to dream
And be unafraid to be
Completey
Unapologetically
YOU-

Carpe Diem!!!

reborn

i breathed
i cried
i arrived
at strength
and courage
and
life...

it is a new day
it is a new time
it is the end
it is a beginning

welcome
brand new life

aaj kal kuch aisa sama hai

saagar,

toofan ka mausam hai

saakit na baith

tujhay kasam hai

aaj barrasta aasman hai

saakit na baith

tujhay kasam hai

parda hai yeh ankhon pay

teri palkhon ka

ya lehrain bichi hui hain

saagar kay seenay main

kay ansoo aaj beh gaye

beetay ghammon kay

faulad ka dil hai

ruh hai malang

azad parinda hai

uraan teri bunyaad

aaj kal

kuch aisa sama hai

aaj kal kuch aisa sama hai...

back to the start...

I guess I never realized that when I learned the world was round... it also meant that I'd be going in circles my whole life...

Don't get me wrong. I still make progress. I still learn and grow-
But every now and then, I stumble back to a place I have been before... only this time, I know so  much more and understand so much better and I think- If only I knew then what I know now, life would be so different.

It's as if I understand deeper the same situation and this time around I see it in sharper focus. It is bitter sweet because the moment has passed... and I revisit and see the full picture and this time understanding is mine, forgiveness too... and letting go happens and all that remains now is a memory- a little tart, a little sting, a deep breath and then I must let go and move on. If I do not let go I will get stuck. But the letting go- that is the hardest part.

The heart has a desire to fix, to regain, to "do over" and hope for a different outcome. Sadly that is just not possible. The moment has changed, the self has changed, life has changed... And although we find ourselves back at that point-
it is a different time,
it is a different depth,
it is a different dimension,
it is a different self...
and thus-
one must
let go
bittersweet awareness
and smile
and keep walking
knowing that there will be another return
to this same spot
at another point in time
and if it is meant to be
it will be
and if not
it will not
but yes we will find ourselves back at the start
and this time we will see and know and understand

jab tak mainay samjha, jeewan kya hai...jewan beet gaya...

and such is this thing called life
life-a-la shahnaz...
arzoo
justjoo
zindagi teri talaash main
jeewan beet gaya-

34

I started this year with chocolate and music, dancing and friends...
I shed some tears on new years eve and decided I was done with old pain.
I vowed to leave it all behind, bitterness, pain, sorrow and loss.

And so it has been-
It is always darkest before the dawn...
I await for break of day
I am not unhappy... I am merely sad
I am not broken, I am merely scuffed
I am not alone, just unattached...
And soon I know it will all come to pass

What is mine will come my way
Fame/fortune/love and adventure
I am learning patience-
Who would have ever thought it possible...

I am a more refined
A more self defined me.
I understand...for once in my life
I understand-

I am letting go of everything
Nothing is worth holding on to
I am floating along
Such, I have learned is life

You cannot expect anything in life
You must not hold on too tight
You must believe
You must not try
To control anything...
You cannot
So let go
Let it all go...
And then when you have lost it all
you realize what you have gained is you

At 34
I have nothing
Absolutely nothing at all
And yet I have it all
Because I have me
And that is all I'll ever need
Me-
All the rest are wants...
And I kow how to find what I want
I can meet my own needs
And so finally
I am free
---
Yes 34-
It is the year of freedom!

..let freedom ring...

the tears that just won't fall

i sat last night and talked of you
with another man
we talked of love and passion
and all the while
i thought of you
i miss you
every moment
i miss you

he talked of his love
and i of mine
we were on a date he and i

i told him of love as i know it
he told me of love as he knew it
we sat and we talked
he and i

he asked me
what i was looking for
i thought for a while
i wanted to say trust
i wanted to say truth
i wanted to say love... but the thing is
none of them are possible
this i have learned

people have to do right
by themselves first
i cannot expect trust
i cannot expect truth
i cannot expect love
if the other cannot give it

they have to want to give
all of the above

so i just said
i want to be...
allowed to be me
all of me
all of the time
that is all i want
and i want passion...

have you had love
and passion?
he asked me
...
yes i have
i stated softly

but i just never was allowed to be me
me- fully and completely

and then he asked me
of my love
if i still loved him
and i said yes

and then he said
why don't you call him

and that's when it happened
that's when i said
i just don't want to...
and it was a revelation
even for me
i-just-don't-want-to...
and it breaks my heart
because i miss him everyday
i hope to see him 
every day
i wish i would...
i wish he'd write or come
or even call
but i changed my number
blocked his email
said goodbye
turned him down
i did it all...
and i love him
and i miss him
but i will not fall again
because
i just don't want to...
and then the tears 
that just won't fall
start to fall
because i realized
i just don't want to...
and that is all

"you thoo picky! you thoo picky with your nails!!"

"You thoo picky! You thoo picky with your nails!!"

The above uttered to me by the lady that (used to)(alas to the past tense!) do my nails, sometime early last year. The words were stated right before she fired me! Yup folks! I was fired by the woman in my employ as my manicurist. Unheard of isn't it? I thought so too...
Only in Lifa a la Shahnaz is such a feat possible- that a paying customer will get fired by the place of business. (Doesn't that work the other way around? I fire her because she does not do a good job?? But she did an amazing job! Too amazing in fact that she decided she just could not do it any more... And I never complained! Not once about how she did the job! She just up and fired me! Because I was "thoo picky!) Sniff...

She also stated-

"I can't do your nails no more. Take too long! You thoo picky. You so picky with your nails! You even more picky with your men! "

Yup yup- I got TOLD!

See folks, I like a slightly pointy oval shape nail. Not the regular square- YUCK!- nail. Also the shape has to match the corresponding finger on the other hand and have to be well shaped on each hand. I like two coats of a color that I custom blend- at present it is a deep purple black- I have natural long nails... (I gave up rock climbing for these nails! I did try the rock wall the other day and climbed several times-harness on, and did great. The trick is to reach for the bigger hand holds that I can grab even with my nails. Trouble happened when I tried to go around unharnessed. They recommend you stay under the yellow line if doing that. In my quest for the bigger hand holds, I didn't realized how high I got- 9 ft to be exact- sans harness... and then I missed a handhold- yup because of the nails... and fell- THUD! My first words on landing,

"Damnit!! I think I scuffed my bloody nail!"

My friends' responses-

"Oh My God! Are you okay?"
"Is she okay?"
"Did she just say she scuffed her nails?"
"Forget the nails! Are you hurt?"
"That a long way down"
"You were close to 9 ft up!"
"Can you stand?"
"Did she say she scuffed her nail???"

I was fine. I lived. I just put on a new coat of clear polish but I digress from my original tale about my nails-)
I am "thoo picky" with them. You "thee" pardon me, I mean,  see... (lol that lisp is catchey and kitschy!) (I digress... again...) you see, I AM thoo picky!
I begin to realize that- but what is a woman to do?
Just settle?

My new nail lady at a new nail salon- who I treat like royalty, lest she fires me too, asked me why I got divorced. I told her,

"I did not love him."
"What he do- your ex husband?"
"He is a cardiologist."
"He a DOCTOR!!?? You leave him? Divorce a doctor?"
"Yes"
And she started off in Vietnamese...and the rest of the nail techs responded in the same and then she asks,

"But why?? He have money!"And I replied

"Yes... lots of money."
"They why you leave him?"
"I did not love him."
"Your boyfriend now you love him?
"Yes.""What he do?
"Nothing. He's in school."
"So you love him now. He no doctor?"
"No. He's not a doctor..."

And she started off in Vietnamese and I bet the whole bloody nail salon knew my love life at that point. I recalled being "thoo picky with my nails and even more picky with my men!" I shuddered to think what would happen if my old nail woman and new nail woman ever got together for coffee or something... I slowly counted to ten. She looked really close at me and she laughed and went on about my nails.
And about a year later when I broke up with said boyfriend!

"You no with your boyfriend no more?"
"No"
'Why, you no love him no more?"
"I love him."
"Why you break up?"
"He lies to me."
"But you no love him?"
"I love him..."
"Why you break up?"
"He lies."
"Why you not forgive him...?"
"I do forgive him."
"Why you no with him? It makes you sad?"
"Yes..."
"Why you not get back?"
"I did. He keeps lying to me."
"You no love him?"
"I love him."
"But you not get back with him."
"No."
"Because he lies...?"
"Yes."

And she starts of in her Vietnamese....and the rest of the salon staff responds-

true...

You can't lose what you never had,
You can't keep what's not yours
And you definitely can't hold on to what does not want to stay...