it's like coming home...

glass heart
held on
walked on
stayed strong
and found it's way home...

what i got
they can't steal it
no they can't even feel it

packed my suitcase
for a place
none of us has been
a place that has to be believed
to be seen
i believed and now i see it

a bird that will only fly for freedom
and at last i found it
FREEDOM
i am safe
at last tonight
i walked on

home
home
home
never had  one but i finally found it
home home
that's where my heart is

it aches no more
it breaks no more

all that i fashioned
all that i made
all that i built
all that i break
i left it all
left it all behind
and walked on
and i found my way
home...
feels like
feels like coming home

i want to roost
i want to settle
my mecca
i found you
at last
i found you
...
ana al haq
alhamdu lillah
 i am home

at last
---

old and new

that ache is an old ache
the longing is for an old loss
i mistake you for it all
i am clearing the cobwebs from my eyes
i am healing me on the inside
what i need
i already have
what i don't
i can give myself
and so
you and me
are no more
misfit from the start
my longing is not you at all
my longing is all me
...
tum hi to ishq ho-

in the ether

for months now i have fought it
the urge
the desire
to reach out to you
for weeks and a day i have resisted
saying the words
not a day has gone by that i have not felt it
the love
this ache
that will NOT go away
i have laid in bed and i have cried
i have run until my body is defeated
i have screamed until my voice is gone
i have tortured my very essence
my soul...
and yesterday
i said it
i wrote it
and i sent it
it is now on its way
out there
in the ether
and now there is silence
i cried last night
into the silence
as you have so many nights
as i have so many nights
and now i sit
in the ether
in the silence
of the noise
i have just given words to

Skydive Carolina Video

Skydive Carolina Video

Skydive Carolina Video

Skydive Carolina Video

people

people
people everywhere
tear at me
rip me to shreds
they think they know me
they understand
they feel entitled
like they have a right
to say
how i feel
they know nothing
NOTHING of me
depressed?
am i depressed?
NO
hurt
am i hurt?
NO
they know nothing...
yet still they act like they do
i laugh out loud
ignorance is common place
well wishers come in many agendas
i see them all
i have none
so i just watch
no wonder i am heartily sick of people...
laugh my life away
people tire me some days

a love that lasts...

dear god
i prayed to you one night
and you gave me what i asked for
i broke and i fell
i cracked and i bled
and you witnessed all
and after all the tears had dried
i prayed to you again
and you gave me what i asked
i laughed
and i cried some more
and you witnessed it all
i sat by an ocean
aching beyond belief
i asked for what i want
you kept him alive
dear god
i prayed then
i prayed again
if it was real
if it will last
let me have it
or remove it from my heart for good
you know...
i am ignorant
i leave it up to you
dear god...

Hurt-

I called him today on my way home
I could hear it in his voice
Hurt
I asked him what was wrong
He seemed surprised but not quite
That I could tell
I stated
You sound like you have been hurt
You sound like you are in pain
Where are you? he asked
On my way home
Will you make me a cup of tea?
Yes I will. I'll be home in 45 mins.
I drove home, kid in tow...
He was in my driveway when I pulled up
A lost man- in his shiny new car
The unhappy man
In his silver mercedes
My kid ran in to settle in
I went out to meet him
He stepped out and gave me one of those hugs I remembered
We walked in and I asked him
What's wrong
I can't say...
Well then we shall have tea in silence. I am here.
I probed a little and saw too much- so I stopped
It was too immense- his hurt
It was too intense- his pain
So private- his agony
I felt I intruded
Isn't it funny
How well we can read those whom we have once loved?
I listened as he tried to talk around it.
I let him know
I understood.
The magnitude of this ache
And so we sat in silence
This man and I
And I knew he was broken
Broken inside
It ate at him
His loss
Regret he had
Ahhh the loves we lose
And he ached today
For something he never grasped
When he had the chance
And today
It was gone
Change of heart
I felt for this man
And his immense pain
He has lost a love and he mourns that today
He has lost a love and he cannot replace
And he comes now to me
Because I am his friend
He comes now to me because I can understand
My poor dear friend
He breaks today-
So I averted my eyes
If I looked too deep into his
I could see the ache
The break
Of his soul
It was too much to look at
And so I sat with him in silence
And I felt his pain

I hurt you too once... he said to me...
I tried to think back to the pain he had caused me
I tried hard to remember
Funny how it wasn't there-
Such a vague memory
So far gone
All that was left
A wisp, I had to struggle to remember
-------

And all the memories fade
And all the memories fade

-------

And later after I told him goodbye
And my daughter noted to him
That he looked so unhappy
He laughed with me
At her innocence
And then he left
His grief too recent
His heart too torn
To sit still for too long
This poor wandering
Lost soul
May he find peace, somewhere
Somehow
Tonight
-------

And so I sit here
Warm at home
Heart all broken
On the mend
Not quite as lost
As the one I faced today
Time heals all
And this I know
It healed me of the one I faced today
A lifetime ago
I could not even remember the ache
I could be compassionate to him
I could actually feel his pain
Feel for him
Care for him in such a loving and neutral way
Yes time heals all wounds
And in time the one I nurse now
Will heal too
Someday I will look back and try hard to recall
The pain I once felt
For my most recent fall
Time heals all
-------

And all the memories fade
And all the memories fade
Send the ghosts on their way
Tell them they've had their day
It's someone else's tomorrow
(Patty Griffin)

Let me...

Let me lie here tonight
Beneath the still and silent moon
Let the world slip out of sight
I shall be gone again so soon

Let the moments pass me by
I am so tired- let me pray
Darling this is my last goodbye
Don't want to ever come by this way

Walk on down the other side
But for tonight let me lie here
So soon it will be goodnight-

old and new

it has been a day indeed!
after a grueling nonstop nine hour grind i collapsed into the gym.
after a 2.5 hour workout i collapse into dinner
after my shower and my gajar ka halva
i seem to be getting me back
...

i am tired tonight
i am also lonely
not for company
not for people
not for anyone or anything really
i just feel lonely
empty
on the inside
i feel empty today
like i need a refill
i need a hug
and when a friend sent me a virtual hug
i just burst into tears
he is a friend who understands
he lifts me up
he fills me up
i think that is what i really need
understanding
agenda free understanding
someone understanding and accepting me
no agenda
just acceptance and understanding
i feel lonely for acceptance and understanding
i don't even know why this post is called old and new
i suppose because the desire is old but the awareness new
or because i feel old but in fact i am new
new in self understanding
but if i have self understanding why am i lonely?
maybe i just need the hug
or a silent witness
to my tiredness and an acceptance of my tiredness
i am so tired today

strangely grown up

it hits me with it's subtlety
this new found growth
i am, i find...quite improved with time
my energy soars
my being is grown
not just me
my whole being
is grown
my body
my soul
my spirit
my heart
my mind
they have expanded
solidified
strengthened
they are
enhanced
refined
almost
exemplified
epitomizing
me
self
myself
i am quite elated
i am much satisfied
i am stronger than i have ever been
safer than i have ever been
happier than i have ever been
it is quite a moment indeed
when i realize this
i am amazingly
strangely
grown up
---

Mehboob meray

Jab yaad teri
Char jaye
Mujhay

Dastak
Aahat
Khushbu

Teray wujood
Kay muntazir
Rahay hain hum

Aye bay wafa
Ahl e wafa ki lazat
Tu kiya samjhay

Main kundan hun
Mujhay khaq ki tarha
Luta diyay

Aye bay qadray
Main ISHQ hun
Rusway kar chalay

Kisi veeranay may
Gar aqal agayee
Talab karo gay meri

Mehboob meray
Tujh say muhabbat nahi
ISHQ kiyay thay hum

Pain-

It took a trip down memory lane
It took remembering old pain
It took some photographs
Evidence of deceit
Betrayal
Lies
Conceit...
It took that
And self preservation
In DNA
Kicked in...
Those are the reasons
I left
You
And yes
It hurts
It hurts a lot
It hurts like hell some days
The agony is unbearable
Or so it seems
But I do bear it
And I am bearing it
Because...
But I deserve to be treated
So much better
Than anything you ever gave me
I almost faltered...
But I will not
Go back
To that
------------------------------------------------------------

bandish

kabza e dil jo hua
teri bandish main hain kya karain
har nata tor diya
par dil ki dor kaisay juda karain hum...?

thutkar diya tujhay sanam
laikin is bay basi ka kya haal karain
bujha diya chirag e muhabbat
par aatish e ishq kaisay khaq karain hum...?

nikal diya seenay say dil
dharkan ko kaisay khamosh karain
zaban ko to kat diya talwaar say
ruh say tera naam kaisay juda karain hum...?

kashish

kaisi ajab si azmaish hai

wujood e kashish 

tujhay pukaarnay ki chahat bhi hai

aur pukaarnay say parhaiz bhi hai

gar kar diyay bad parhezi

to khud pay bohat ziyati hai

jo na kiye bad parhezi

tab bhi khud pay ziyati hai

kaisi ajab si yeh azmaish hai

living-

What do I do for a living?
I deal in the business of feelings...
And I see life unfold.

I heard it said- you can only take a client as far as you have been and no further.
I begin to see that.
The more I am aware of me, the better I am at what I do.

I help them get unstuck. I help them be who they are and be okay with it. I help them love and forgive and it all happens best when I have done it too...

let it burn-

i crossed my hands
over my breast
where my heart once lived
and i said your name
i hope you heard it...

i smiled when i shut my eyes
because i saw your face
my tears fell
and i kissed your lips
i hope you felt it...

i ache for you everyday
but i won't reach out
to get you back
this time...
i let you go
i walked away...

what is love...

the sound of your voice
the blue of your eyes
the brown of mine...
the warmth of our embrace

what is need
your look
my unspoken words
the understanding that was and wasn't

what is loss
watching it slip away
the love that loved me
the love of my life

what is ache
the agony
the ecstasy of love
and watching it slip away

the day my heart stopped

and the world keeps turning
sun shines
rain pours
day in
and day out
and life
keeps moving
...
and yet my heart
is frozen in time
...
i think it stopped the day
we ended
...
it always was that way


laughter happens
and healing too
and yet my heart
is frozen still
...
i think it stopped the day
we ended
...
anger comes and anger goes
understanding too
this way knows
meaning making
happens too
and yet my heart
is frozen still
...
i think it stopped the day
we ended

Clue and masti

ask and you shall receive...

i asked for a clue
and i got one!
uncanny how the universe and the malik of it always gives me exactly what i ask for-
i cannot complain.

so here it is
my "clue"
when it's real...
it does not just fade and go away
for me it was real
very very real
my love
it was real
i loved heart and soul
mind and body
the last thing i ever communicated to him was
"i love you with all my heart...always..."
and that is my clue
i still do
as always
with all my heart i still love him
it does not  fade
it does not go away
and that is the clue
and it does not have to
...
that is the masti
ashiq ka sukun hai junoon
and so it is for me
to love him i need absolutely nothing
nothing
and so i am at last free to love
with all my heart
always-
masti...
my love is mine
to feel with all my heart
anytime
all the time
masti-

Un Stuck me now

Loosen me
Shake me up
So that I am
Stuck no more...
Un love and
Un adore me
So that I am
Yours no more...
Give me clue
Instead of hope
So that I am
Fool no more...
:)

Coccoon

Hold me
Gentle
Soft
And tender...
Caress
My face
And stroke
My skin smooth...
Breathe
Upon me
Your smell
Familiar...
Let me feel
Warm and safe
Nuzzled
In your neck...
Let the rain
Outside
Pitter patter
As I lay here
Surprised
At my good fortune...
Let the mellow
Candlelight
Flicker
As my thoughts wander...
Music
Take me away
To a plane higher
Ethereal sublime...
Soul
Leave my body now
And soar
Higher
Forever...
And in time
Return
New
Washed clean
Fresh
And healed...
So I may emerge
From my coccoon
And spread
My newfound wings
Stretch them wide
Take flight
And soar
Far and wide
The way it was meant to be
For a free spirit
Like me
...
Dear fate
Dear dear life
Inch by inch
Step by step
Bring me closer now
To my birthright
...
I am patient
I await
...
My time

happiness

infinite
and yet
it is
elusive
like a maiden
coy
and coquettish
hither now
thither later
feather light
and lead heavy
pudding soft
coconutty
tart
and bittersweet
warm
like bold tea
and cool
like a spring breeze
gentle like a
soft hug
passinate like a lovers kiss
innocent like an infant's coo
knowing like a mother's heart
...
happiness
...
my desire
my search
my destination
foretold
ordained
but my right?
never...
...
happiness
...
it is a privilege
a gift
a treasure
...
happiness
...
dear friend
it has been so long
i welcome you
home.

dastaan e jindagi

yeh raah to wohi hai
jis pay kadam kabhi larkhara gayay
yeh raasta to wohi hai
jis pay ansoo beh gayay
yeh gali
yeh sadak
yeh taweel maidan e safar
jis pay khoon o paseena mera
rang charha gaya
yeh raah to wohi hai
...
laikan kya baat hai aaj main
keh dil pur sukoon hai
kya jadoo hai iss subh ka
kay aankhen hans rahi hain meri
kya ajab sa sama hai
kay aasman khush hai
zameen khush hai
aur sab se barh kar
mera wujood khush hai
...
maula!
khuda!
waris!
meray aka...
kis mun say kahun main
kis awaz say pukarun tujhay
kya naam hai tera
bata aaj mujhay
kay main sab say unchin chitaan pay khari
chila chila kar kahun
tu hai
tu hai
haq!
tu hai
...
teray siwa
kuch bhi nahin
tu hai
shah
tu hai
...
yeh kaisa sama hai
yeh kaisa safar hai
yeh dastaan e zindagi
kabhi khushi
kabhi gham
kabhi uunch
kabhi neech
kabhi haar
kabhi jeet
teri talaash hi to hai
dastaan e jindagi
zikr hi to hai
dastaan e zindagi
ishq hi to hai
...