VOICE(less)

Almost a year ago
As I sat in that chair
And that kind man
Waved his fingers in front of my face
And visions from my past
Came up again
To haunt
My present state
I saw it clearly
My angry father
My mother
And me...
Voiceless-
Tears streamed down my face
And the fingers waved on
And I recalled
I have no voice
I cannot speak
Express
Just how I feel...
I just realized
Tonight
Why
I end up
Where I do
Over and over
I am seeking
A validation
Someone to hear me
Someone in power
To finally say
I hear
I understand
You are
You exist
You have the right
To speak
To be
YOU
Completely
And
It is...
Okay

(dear David... I am grateful for the understanding I came about today... It all started with our triad on that one eventful day...)

The beginning of the end...

I knew it had started
As it began
I recognized the scent
Of what once was
No longer strong in it's essense
Momentarily a panic kicked in
Awareness that it was,
Alas...
The beginning of the end
...
I sat in the self
Slowly saying my goodbye
I thought I said goodbye to
YOU
But no
...
I was saying goodbye
To the tendrils of
ME
That still are woven
In your fabric
At first I was in panic
But now
I realize
I understand
Better...
---
Keep them.
Those tendrils of me
That are woven
In your fabric.
They were freely given
To YOU
Because I loved
YOU
Keep them
They were my LOVE
For you
Parts that I gave
Because I wanted to
Parts of me I gave
JUST TO YOU!
Keep them
---
My love for you was and is
TRUE!
And...
I meant it when I said
I love you with all my heart...always...
---
In your own way
You loved me too
---
But I see that
The wheels of time and life
Are in motion
For it is 
The beginning...
Of the end
I begin to see that your hold on me
Weakens...
---
Keep them
Those tendrils of me
I no longer
Need them
---
I have love a plenty
To not be petty...
And steal back
What once I gave
Freely
To you...
---
Keep them
Those tendrils
---
I'll now say
Goodbye
To those parts of me
---
I have no desire
To recycle
Used love
I have love a plenty
---
I gave my love freely
To YOU... my love
You did with it
What you desired
Squandered some
Threw away the rest
Kept some
And tossed aside
All the best
Belittled
Disregarded
Took it for granted
---
I forgive it all
I forgive YOU all
I GAVE YOU 
...my love...

I CHOSE TO
I have NO REGRETS
I LOVE YOU
With all my heart
Always...
And for a while
YOU were...
The love of
MY LIFE!
---
But I have love a plenty
And there will be love
In my life
New love
Fresh love
Ever growing love...
I have no desire
To recyle
Used love
Keep them
Those tendrils
Of me...
My heart strings
I gave them away
To you
FREELY
Let them be my parting gift
To you
My love
_______________________
I love you
With that part of my heart
Freely
Always...
_______________________
Keep them
I have love a plenty
I don't need those tendrils back
...anymore...
Those wounds...
Cannot be undone
---
Rendered asunder
Holes
Cannot be filled
With old tendrils
Keep them
I have love a plenty
---
Love will find its way
Into my heart
Love will find its way
Into old wounds
And
Someone new
Will give away...
Give me freely
Tendrils of his own
To fill in the parts
That were tattered and torn
By you...
---

Keep them
My love
Let them be
My parting gift
To you...

I love you
With that part of my heart
Always...



____________________________

Cut loose

So... amid new beginnings,
I came to a dead halt!
Crashed into the wall
No time to cry out or call
On strength
To brace myself for the fall
The plunge
Into the abyss
Of grief...

I do not want to let you go!

My soulmate
Or so you seem
To me...
My tormentor
My betrayer
Lying bastard
Heart breaker!
But
Nonetheless
My love...

bewafa say bhi pyar hota hai...
yaar kuch bhi ho yaar hota hai...

And I came to the awareness and understanding that try as I might. Do what I will- my heart has a mind all its own and it tricks me, it BETRAYS me! It will NOT LET ME MOVE ON!!! It holds on to YOU- you lying, cheating, fighting, mistreating, screaming bastard- YOU!!!

And now as I try to crawl forward on my hands and knees... I feel sort of "cut loose"... from you, from me. And it is probably because that heart you broke, that heart you took, and tore and bruised and kicked and ripped apart... that heart still is with you. And it would seem- if I am to feel at all- with my heart, it feels through the memory of you...as it did last night and the pain was...
excruciating-

I am exhausted.
I am drained.
I cannot fight.
My love for you...
It just breaks me in two-
And so for the present...
because I feel again
I FEEL YOU
And so
I weep
Until...

Silence and frost and numbness take me again....