I have a heart...and it is broken

It is Sunday afternoon,

I did not attend our company party last night-

My body gave out.

I just don't have celebration in me right now.

What I have is a lot of grief.

A lot of pain.

A lot of sadness.

I went to the gym yesterday, the only sanity I have left anymore. I find that as I strengthen my body I strengthen my soul.

I lift iron because I am impotent and unable to lift humanity.

I run on the eliptical, because I want to run away from a world that is silent. 

And those that speak, while trying their best, have failed to stop this massacre in Gaza. 

Yoga teaches me how to breathe in stressful positions and I find it difficult to breathe of late...

-it hurts to breathe while blood is pouring out of Gaza faster than the sweat I feel on my forehead as I workout!

I have survivor's guilt some say. Perhaps I do-

I also have latent shame because no matter how many petitions I have signed or how many people I have asked for help, I have failed... Humanity has failed.

I have failed my brethren. 

I have failed humanity.

I, a human. With heart. Have failed to move humanity to end the bloodshed.

I got home yesterday after the gym and my body collapsed.

I read about the Greek Orthodox Church inviting the Muslims to pray there and my heart saw the beauty in some of us. We can live in peace, I thought...

I heard Israeli's calling for death to Arabs and I see cruelty in the rest of us. No peace there, I thought...

And then there is indifference. Some just turn a blind eye and look the other way.

What hope for peace when people fail to realize how connected we all are as a human race, I thought...

-My daughter, with her dad for Eid, calls to tell me she loves me. She knows I'm broken on the inside. "Are you okay mom?"

-My mom calls and says she noticed I was online. She was up to eat before fast and decided to ring me- she says, " you are taking it all too close to heart...you you okay?..." 

-My boss emailed- "we missed you, I hope you are okay..."

All people who love me.

All who care and want to know if I am okay.

But I can't say I am okay.

I can't.

I am not okay.

I am broken. 

Devastated.

 Lost. 

Impotent

Useless

Unable to help...

The helpless-

I have not taken it too close to heart...

I simply have a heart...

I just have a heart

And it feels

So

Full

Right 

Now-

Scores massacred in Gaza

Innocent babies

The Israeli Navy bombs children playing on the beach!

Others are burning in the streets

There are babies dying

Broken humans everywhere

No humanitarian relief in sight

Hospitals bombed!

In Israel, I read tweets that maliciously declare

"No school in Gaza tomorrow, all the children will be dead..." 

These followed by thumbs up signs because apparently that phrase rhymes in Hebrew and was considered a clever pun on words!

Palestinian Israeli's beaten into unconsciousness by lynch mobs in the streets in Israel while police looked on and did not call an ambulance. 

Passers by, with kind hearts, carried the wounded to hospitals...

No.

I am not okay.

All I am is heartbroken.

All I have is a heart.

I just have a heart. 

And it is broken...