I grieve for Gaza

I feel the lump in my throat

The sting of tears behind my eyes

Even as I try to fight them back

A few pour through

I scramble to find my phone

To blog

Because if I don't

I will break

I will crack 

I will fall apart

Right here 

Right now 

And there is just not enough space

And not enough time 

To do that right this second

And my poor heart 

Told once more

"Hold on"

Holds on

Some more...

It's coming up for me

The tears that I left uncried

The grief that I left unfelt

The horror

The pain

Of Gaza

It's coming up again...

There are faces

Seared in my mind

Living faces 

Holding the dead they once loved

Broken 

Both the living and the dead

And me witness

And me helpless 

I am a healer

I heal pain

To witness it inflicted

With such cruelty

And carelessness

And a world sitting by

I cannot wrap my head around

That fact 

It is coming up again

In waves

Lest I forget

What I know

What I saw

What happened

What was done

My eyes feel tears

My heart breaks

My

Soul

Weeps

I cannot

Explain

Just

How I feel

I am simply aware

A part of me is irrevocably 

B R O K E N

 

I can only accept

I can only grieve

I can only feel this pain

That I am now aware 

Will never

Ever

Actually 

Be gone

Ever...

I will find ways to cope

I will hope

And some days

I will laugh

I will eat and breath

And live and love

But I will do it all

With this pain 

In my soul

 

It will never be 

Gone

I will see SHAIMA 

Everytime

I close my eyes

And countless more

In my waking moments 

And in my sleep

I will feel the soft skin

And the laughter that no longer rings

And the only thing to keep me company

Is the awareness that is all too real

They are gone

And I was witness to it

I am in pain

And will be until my last breath

Gaza 

My soul weeps for you

My heart aches

The tears fall

Will always fall

For you

Love and grace

It's a vast wilderness

This space within

I have not visited it in depth

For an age now

There has been a sorrow

Hanging in the air

The residue of a heart break

And of the carnage in Gaza

I shut down emotionally

After that

And there was a giant Gaza shaped 

Hole in my soul

To keep company with

The dad shaped hole

And heartbreak holes

In this old and worn little heart of mine 

I took a chance just the other day

And opened my heart up again

Love gives you wings to fly

The only problem is 

When you are open

It all is possible

Happiness

Joy

Love

Laughter

And yes even pain

And so just like what goes up

Must come down

The heart that feels

Must feel it all

The sorrow

And the pain

The laughter

And the rain

At the first touch of pain

I felt it again

All the well crafted defenses 

So prudently nurtured

Kick into effect

And start the auto process 

Of shut down 

Once again

---

This time I took a chance

And resisted

I chose the path of 

Human 

And decided for once

Not to be a superhuman 

The storm came and passed

My Bug compared me 

To Nelson Mandela

I smiled through my tears

Sometimes we try

So hard

To show our true self

To others

Who are too blind to see

The real thing

I tried that

I give up

Those that have eyes

Will see me

Those that don't

No longer matter

I am reminded of the words 

Two men spoke to me

The Bear once told me

"Cast not your pearls before swine"

And Gandalf said to me

"My little Persian Princess

Repeat after me 

-I have nothing

To prove

To anyone

Including myself-"

And so today

I wander my wilderness

Again

It is a haven

Full of grace

It is my grace

This is my face

Full of love

And both 

Love and Grace

Are my connection

To my God

After all

God is love

God is grace

I am me

And that is good enough

The storm

The lightening struck

When I got home

The thunder rolled in at the gym

By the time I made it to my car

The storm was in full force

The tears started before my car did

And by the time I was in my garage

The sky caved in

And so it happened 

Right there in that car

The hardest part

The hurt

That you ignore

That catches up 

Before you know

It came in torrents

It came in waves

At first I angered

Then there was protest

Then my plea

And then

When all was lost

And all fell apart

And I was decimated

And at last

I surrendered

To unabashed grief

And the wracking sobs

Had simmered down 

And even the whimper

Had subsided

And all that was left

Was a strange silence 

It found me...

The very deepest core

The very essence 

Of me-

In my darkest moment

It found me

My light

And so it is

Que sera sera

What will be

Will be

Sometimes

Sometimes 

When you are trying 

To hold on too tight

What you need to do 

Is just let go

And release

It all

And let the pieces fall 

Where they might

You may just break

A little 

Or a lot

You may just 

Altogether

Come undone 

But maybe that is 

Okay...

In order 

To grow

And 

To know

One must first 

Unlearn

The old

And learn

The new

So that 

One may

Renew

Redefine

And walk on

To being

A whole new

Even more authentic

And true 

You

It's just the way I feel... About you!

Your smile warms my heart

Your eyes make me melt

When you reach for my hands 

And hold me in your embrace

The world fades away 

And it's just me and you instead

I want to fall asleep in your world

And find my way into your dreams

Just so I don't miss you

Even for a bit

It's crazy I know

But it's just the way I feel

It's just the way I feel 

About you...

Turning points

Moments in time

That define

The who

The what

The how 

The when

Turning points

That direct

The next step

Him

I could smell him 

Before I even got there

His fragrance lingered

In the air

What madness! I thought,

My brain begot

And then I saw it

His token of love 

It sat there 

And stared at me

I stared right back and finally 

I picked it up

I inhaled 

His breath of love

He knew I would

When he breathed it out

I

love 

you

So much more...

Than three little words

Words he could not

Say to me

Yet he left them

Sitting there

Words he knows 

I know too well

Words of truth

Words that fell

Like kisses soft

In the night

Like laughter

Ringing in sound of songs

Words so true

They almost hung

In the air

Like Greensleeves

In refrain  

Justine's voice singing

For kisses in the rain 

So he left them sitting there

I

Love

You

So much more

Than three little words

I have no words

I have no words he said

No words to say 

Save all that I've said before 

And perhaps just a few words more

I thought he wished me farewell

And yet he said, "don't let me go..."

Whispered though it was

Hidden well between the lines 

There's fear there I thought

As I read through the lines

Enough fear to cripple the man

And yet no courage to claim 

So I sat and read

And understood 

More even than what was

Hidden deep between the lines

And so it goes

Some come and some go

Some have words and some don't 

Some are fighters some are not

Some live

Some only claim to

Some have heart

And some used to...

Haq and Hu

Haq- Truth

Hu- is

Reality is multi-layered and varies from person to person subjectively 

Truth is a constant

Happiness and sadness, both are fleeting and momentary. 

Anchor your life to either happiness or sadness and you expose yourself to the whims of externals.

Try to seek reality and you will always come up against the  subjective differences through with perception alters each individual's reality.

Truth however "is".

Truth is a constant.

"Is" is a constant. Momentary but nonetheless a constant. There are an infinite number of "is's" even in a moment. An "is" can stretch for an eternity.

Haq-truth-God-Allah-Hu-Is...

A constant 

In these moments of "is" if you are present and have clarity in your heart and soul and are free from the deceptive workings of  personality and perceptions you will encounter "truth"... Irrefutable TRUTH! Unaltered and untrained by fear, doubt, confusion and experience.

Truth simply is...

Haq-Hu

http://youtu.be/B8UeeIAJ0a0

Clean slate

Sometimes the world goes mad  

And war and death are everywhere

Sometimes those with heart

Get their hearts broken

And the pieces scatter here and there

In the carnage and devastation

They look around

Searching for all the remnants 

Of life, of love, of happiness

And they start to gather them up

Those with faith and hope will scavenge

Every last piece from the wreckage

In the aftermath they will sit

With patience and courage

And turn their insides to gold

Like the ore facing the furnace

They will burn for many moons

Suffering the transformation

Enduring the pain

Until it is time to rebirth

Like a Phoenix they will rise again

To another heaven

To a new day

To a new way

To a new hope

To a new love

They will find all that was lost

And it will be even better

Stronger and more refined 

Than what was before

And just like that 

The slate will be wiped clean again 

The path and the destination

I wondered

Are you the path 

Or my destination...?

What do you mean?

Well, sometimes 

Some people come along to help us resolve... They are like the path 

And then there is the destination.

Are you my path or my destination?

I don't know what I am for you

I just wondered if you are my path

Or my destination.

Can't the path lead to the destination?

Hmmm I hadn't thought about that-

Love without ownership

It's a beautiful thing

To love

And not seek to own

It is so human

To want to own

So trivial

Almost naive

To seek permanence

Life is impermanence 

It is so human to forget

This impermanence 

To seek to sooth 

The void 

The end

With the illusion

Of solid permanence

It is so strong

This thing called love

It can break down 

All walls

Love

---

And permanence seeks

To build 

And contain

What has been found

---

Love

It is boundless

This thing called love

It cannot be contained

In a vessel

Within a wall

---

It's love

It is a force 

That fights 

To be free

---

You cannot win 

You must surrender 

To love

---

It is a beautiful thing 

To surrender 

To love

To embrace 

The helplessness

Of love

---

To let go

The ego

And ownership 

And walls

---

Simply let love

Enter 

---

And love

And not seek 

To own

Or save 

A little for later

---

Like manna 

From heaven

Simply know 

It's love

And it will come 

Again 

Tomorrow

And again 

Tomorrow 

One must simply 

Surrender 

Labbaik!

Tonite out of slumber 

I heard him call 

My soul replied

Labbaik!

In this world of vampires

And drones

I wept

Labbaik!

In what is a dwelling

On my pallet I lay

On hard floor

Labbaik!

It means naught

Silver and gold

Jewels they hoard

Labbaik!

I seek my lord

And his will

And his work

Labbaik!

In the still of the night

He stirs my soul 

My lord

Labbaik!

Ordinary Human

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wKVatND8pwE&feature=youtu.be

"Emotions are something deeper... More primal than feelings..."

Ordinary humans are capable of "extraordinary" when those emotions are stirred.

If you find someone who can stir up something beautiful in you, take you to heaven and back with a look or a kiss, whose smell lingers and whose thoughts invade every corner of your mind, hold on to them. These people hold the keys to your particular heaven :)

The warrior

His face is stoic

His body rigid

In his icy demeanor

I can see him still

He calls me goddess

In his gentle eyes 

I see the softness 

He hides inside

On his lonely hilltop

He stands alone

His duty comes first

He cannot forego

Honor his motto

Steady his hand

But I see his heart crack 

A little inside

Yearning for warmth again

Once more to feel

More than words...

Ihttp://youtu.be/UrIiLvg58SY

His question-

...what would you do?...

More than words to show me

That your love for me is real...

My reply-

Look into your eyes

And let you see my soul

Listen as you speak

Understand

Your mistakes 

And not ever judge you

Give you a book to read

Or sneak you off for mint tea

Kiss you in your car

Write to tell you

I'm thinking of you

Hold your hand

Leave my scent lingering on your very being 

Hold you close 

And not let go 

Make you drop your weights at the gym

And then laugh with you

Be here when you come home

Home to me...

Be the place you can call home

---

I don't even know why-

I love you and I don't even know why-

There is no meaning or sense to it, 

No words 

No thoughts 

It's a love

That just loves

It can't be helped 

It does not even matter

If you loved me back

I love you

And that is so real

To me

It makes me weak

I don't know why

It spreads through my being

Breaking down every wall

I ever built

To keep love out

And love takes all

All of me

Lets me know

It's there

And there is no 

Control I have over it

All I can do

Is weep and accept

This love

I feel for you

And I don't even know why...

Why

I 

Love 

You

Love knows

The soul knows before the heart does

The heart knows before the mind will allow it to be recognized

The tongue denies it 

But can't help stating it

So it goes with love...

Love knows 

And wants to be known 

Moments

Sometimes you live life without a single memorable moment, and then-Sometimes there is a lifetime of memory in a single moment.

They are etched in your memory forever. 

You smile when you think of these moments and you play them over and over again in your mind and each time it puts a smile on your face...

In these moments you recall being present with all of you- your heart, your mind, your soul... and everything just seems to fit and click and feels beautiful and there is a happiness, a genuine happiness that you feel.

 

These moments feel almost like a memory because they remind you of something or someone or how you felt when you were with someone. Except that they feel better. They feel better because it's a fresh start. Something new. Something untainted by the hurts and the pains of the past. And they give you hope.

Moments of pure life. Moments you take a chance on being completely happy and actually allowing yourself to taste the happiness that you deserve, instead of letting them slip through. Moments that you never regret because you wanted that happiness. Because it was yours and you opened up to receive it...

Workout 

Mint tea

Conversation

And a kiss

A lifetime of memory in a moment

Life Strong-

I have been in fits of laughter because a certain someone suggested I try to lick my elbow...

The goofy part is I actually tried it and obviously failed but the trying is so much fun and so absolutely ridiculous it's pure joy! At one point I actually went in a complete circle spin trying it. And I was giggling hysterically at myself. I'm not much of a dog person but I suppose that's why those bloody canine beasts chase their tails!

After getting soaked to the skin in the exhilarating thunderstorm today the pure adrenaline rush makes me feel completely and intensely alive. The exquisite experience of the rain on my skin was as beautiful as life can get. 

Between that and laughter there isn't much more my soul could want...

My Bug's soft kiss goodnight, a smile on my face, and pure joy in my heart- 

There's Strong

There's Army Strong

And then there's Life Strong ;)

I think I'm getting to Life Strong 

One last glance

It's a funny thing,

This heart of mine...

It goes for the same thing 

Every time-

I laugh to myself

As I see it unfold

The same road

I've walked down before

And then just like that

It's lost it appeal

My latest fad

Just lost its shine

How interesting to behold

That old pattern

Run through so fast

And I can almost see each stage

And then in a blink

The trance breaks

And I am awake

And I see how futile is this thing

That for a second

Holds me captive

Like a drug

It's a rush-

Only now I'm smart...

I smirk

And turn back for one last glance

And then just walk away

Victory

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.

Friedrich Nietzsche- 

The struggle is real-

The price incredibly high

But the victory is "Owning Myself!"

And while a bruised and battered soul I am...

Yes sometimes frightened,

And very often lonely

---

I value my solitude

Know my strength

Respect my choices 

Stay true to myself

And quite frankly the price is worth every scar that brought me to this point!

I hold my head up high

Because I and no one else 

Are in ownership of me