Surrender!

 

The world will fuck with you a thousand different ways. Those in awe of you will shy away or put you down, reject you and make you feel small. 

Don’t let that bother you. 

They can only harm you and diminish you if ‘you’ exists…

I’ll let you in on a little secret. There is no you, there is no me. There is only HUUU and HE. If you understand this and diminish yourself before HIM then HE shines forth through you. And what a magnificent sight that is! Who then can stand before HIM shining through you.

I am not afraid because I am protected by HIM. 

Be not afraid because you too are protected by HIM. The only caveat is surrender….. 

And yet why would you not surrender wholeheartedly to such magnificence. 

SubhanAllah on laylatul qadr, dance ecstatically and fall like a maniac on your knees and surrender!

SURRENDER And then see how HE shines HIS GRACE upon you…

Living

"A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for..."

If you are seeking safety, this post isn't for you. If, however you are interested in facing up to life, read on. Life was not meant to be easy. Life was meant to challenge you to expose the innate strengths that you were equipped with. As a Musalman (Alhamdullilah), I'm a firm believer that we have a purpose that we are put on this earth for. 

Each challenge serves to bring out in me the qualities that are the gifts I will need to live my purpose on this earth.  The reason, Allah subhanna wa taallah put me on this earth for. When I look back at the life I've lived it has been a rough road full of unexpected twists and turns and yet it has been so easy on me. Not in the moment- no. In the thick of it I was barely holding on by the skin of my teeth and yet, my being was adapting, growing, becoming the person that I needed to be to overcome what I faced.

I stand today a humble and scarred old she-wolf carried on the prayers of my mother and father and the grace of Allah. Take the hits as they come. Resist the urge to avoid them. Face them head on and allow them to break you and unmake you because in the end you will be remade to be who you were meant to be. There is no evidence that who you are is better than who you can become.

Step into the unknown and even as your heart is thumping in fear, say a prayer and hold your ground. Allah has a plan for you. Trust HIM and let go. You will land exactly where you are meant to be.

Peace and blessings.

 

You are my soul

Many years ago, amidst tears, I asked my father "do you love me Abu?"

He replied, "I don't just love you. You are my soul!"

Something washed over my being in that moment.

The recognition that I was cherished.

Carried in someone's existence in a way I would never be carried again.

Such is a father's love...

Today amidst tears again, I asked out loud, "Where are you meray pyaray say Abu jee?"

Only this time there is silence and the sound of a choked up sob, I didn't realize had crept into my throat unbeknownst to me.

He is not around. And yet he is. 

He is with me all the time. In my memories. In my thoughts. In my silence. In my chatter. In the quiet and in the noise.

He is always around.

In the most unexpected of places he was and is always there.

When I was a kid, trying to make sense out of life, he was there in the oddest of memories that would  otherwise be panic inducing, I remember him there- calming me with his presence. Like the day I stumbled into a red ant hill and was covered in them, being literally eaten alive! I don't remember the pain, I only remember being in his arms, his voice soothing me as he brushed the ants off and applied balm.

Or on the day I was getting married, on my nikah- when all the family were on edge, fussing around to make sure things would go as planned and without a hitch, attending to the in laws, he stepped away from the chaos and he came up to my room. He shut the door behind him and came up to me and looked me dead in the eye and said to me quite bluntly, "if you change your mind about marrying him, just walk down the stairs to the car. I've spoken with the driver. He knows what to do. I will handle everything here. It's your choice to make and you have the option to choose, even today". In that moment I was empowered. On a day when brides feel confused, I felt very calm, supported, held, confident that no matter what I decided, someone had me covered.

 Many years later when a man broke my heart and I cried and reached out to my father for comfort, he was there. He didn't have much to say but he listened, without judgment, and he said, "your heart will hurt until it stops hurting and then it will heal". It was very factual and very soothing. he didn't minimize the pain I was in, or tell me everything would be fine. He told me the truth. Acknowledged that there would be pain and I was up to the task of feeling pain and pain isn't forever.

On my 42nd birthday, when I was stressed about life and struggles, he was there. He said, "life isn't easy, and that's okay. You still live on. 

There was a steady wisdom he imparted. Not fluff, but the kind of wisdom that is needed to live a solid life, bravely and with honor. A frank kind of wisdom. Wholesome. A wisdom of substance that grounds you and plants your feet firmly on terra firma so you can navigate life with purpose.

In all of these memories, I feel like I am a tiny kid- with big round eyes and he is there beside me, tall steady, holding my tiny hand in his reassuring big one, steadying me. And yet at the same time, I am also morphed into him, as I feel his wisdom exist intrinsically within me now. Everything he was, I have within me. He is with me. And I am okay. No matter what I face, I am okay. That is how I know he is always with me to this day. Because on the inside I feel okay.

I love you so much Abu jaan.

May Allah grant you a high place in jannah. May my soul be reunited with yours when I leave this earth so I may have more time with you in heaven inshallah.