Thursday, April 28, 2016

Raising daughters...

It's a jungle out there.
Give them the skills they need to navigate it. 

Teach them:-
Singlemindedness of purpose
The ability to let go
The desire to hold on
The worth of that which cannot be bought-
The value of a life, any life, every life
How to have fun
How to fight dirty when needed
How to bend with the storm
And above all

Tuesday, April 26, 2016


The only hold others have over you is you holding on...
At some point you have to let go
And free yourself-

Monday, April 25, 2016

Mean hearts-

What emptiness of existence leads to a mean heart...?

After days of facing mean, I came home today bruised in spirit and soul.
"I want to read Chrysanthemum and play parcheesi!"
I told Bug!
"Let's do it she said..." Remembering her childhood tale about bullies who will try to snuff the joy out of a shining soul.

Sometimes the grown up world is full of bullies too!

So we read a bedtime story...
And it was divine.
And then I sang to her our song- 

-You are my sunshine...

And then we played our other song-

And lastly this one...

And then it all settled into place. Perspective! 

Nothing else mattered but what I held in my arms this very moment!
This was life!
This mattered...

Not the fucking shit I've been dealing with!

This, here in my arms was life-

And I thought, what emptiness of spirit leads to such a mean heart!?

It did not matter to me anymore. They did not matter and neither did their actions.

Here in my arms was my universe intact!

How then could anything ever touch me?

When you are love and filled with love, hate and mean cannot touch you...

My blessing always, this beautiful treasure...

Thursday, April 14, 2016


I'm not quite sure when or how my heart starts to close off but it does.

I want to keep it open...wide open...

There was a man today playing conga drums outside the Reading Terminal Market. A homeless woman missing her two front teeth enjoyed and danced to the music. She was having so much fun!
I stood next to her and danced with her. She liked my red hair. I thought she was beautiful, how she enjoyed the music, lost in it. I told her I thought she was beautiful. We connected. She did not ask me for anything.

I returned to conferencing, exhilarated by the interaction. Later this evening, I wanted to show Bug the Market so I brought her to grab a bite. We bought some pastries after and thought we'd see the Liberty Bell and then head back to the hotel to rest and enjoy our pastries.

We headed off in the wrong direction and I wanted to step into a store to get directions. Outside the store, the homeless woman from earlier today saw me. She came over to talk and I told her I remembered her from earlier. I'm not sure if she remembered me, but she approached me and asked if I could spare some change. And that is when it happened. My brain process- I'm on a budget this trip- I need to buy Bug a car-I'm a single parent-I only had 20's in my wallet...

So I told her I was sorry and turned away.

(The night before last as I walked to the hotel in the cold, and saw the homeless huddled asleep by the grates for warmth, I thanked God for his blessings- that I was headed to a warm place to rest my head with a full belly. It was only a matter of chance I was not them and they were not me. I thought, tomorrow I should bring a box of food for them. The same thought crossed my mind when I walked to the conference this morning. The homeless were gone by then but I knew they'd be back by nightfall.)

Just now after a tasteless takeout order I did not want to eat is sitting outside my hotel room I am in turmoil. I am wasting food! Furthermore, I wasted money on food I did not eat. I wasn't even that hungry in the first place. I was just gluttonous and wanted... Food... Food that did not satisfy.
Was I hungry- no, it was just the desire that I might want some before I went off to bed.
Not need...

The homeless woman today who asked me to help had a need! And I did not help her... I had other wants- a car for Bug, budgets, etc but not really "needs".

After all I had a car and we can share it. I had more than enough money to give the homeless woman but my heart was closed. 

And tonight this thought broke it open, and the breaking hurts. 
My guilt hurts.
I am glad it hurts.
The hurt means my heart is open.
And tomorrow if I see that woman I am taking her out to have lunch with me.

After all SHE gave me joy today- as she danced, and we briefly interacted. I took the joy she gave me, I was greedy. I needed that joy to brighten my closed off heart. I was also selfish and took without giving back!
And this thought makes me tear up because it hurts...
I am glad it hurts.
The hurt means my heart has opened again.
So this woman who I refused to help earlier helps me still, and opens my heart yet again for a second time today.
First with joy this afternoon
And now with sorrow and guilt and understanding and kindness and empathy.

She is a beautiful angel, and gave me so much! I hope she has a warm place to sleep tonight and some food in her belly...

I hope she will forgive me.
I ask my creator for forgiveness for not helping her today, but never again shall I be unwilling to help...

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

16 and the clock's ticking...

My little baby zebra wanders around prancing in her onesie, reminding me of the little toddler she used to be. This adorable creature, a joy and an aggravation by turns, holds my heart in her little hand- and can squeeze and make me wince or burst open with love at will.

So it is with unconditional, uncontrollable love. It is without volition. I love, and I exist to love... Her... Endlessly...

Of late each second is an ache since I don't have her for much longer. The clock ticks on and in less than two years my little Bug will fly off into the world. I catch my breath at the thought and savor each aggravation and each joyous moment, by turns frantic with worry that she isn't ready and I've not had time to teach her everything she should know, and also rapt at her excellence and profound wisdom for her young years.


A more exquisite ache of loving I have never felt before...

My baby zebra smells like angels breath as she snuggles in my arms tonight.

I bask in the glow of blessed, heavenly love, the kind only a mother who holds her cub in her arms knows...

My little bug
My baby zebra

"Put those away" 
She said to me this morning as she was telling me a story and I bristled in protective indignation, my claws starting to show...
"I've retracted them", I replied,  "look! Mama bear, Black panther is all kitty soft paws now"

This amazing little human is life, is meaning, and joy and blessing and existence....

And soon she will fly off and take on the world-

I love her and I miss her and I love her and I miss her...

And she's not even left yet! 

Each moment I have had her is imprinted in memory and she is the best of life and of me.

One does not just love a Bug-

One falls 
Head over heels
With a Bug
And my baby zebra, my angel, my love, my Bug holds my heart and soul firmly in her hand...

Force of nature

" were like a force of nature. I felt your presence and turned to watch as you walked by. You were focused, with an intensity of purpose, each step deliberate as you glided past with a casually confident air about you."

I laughed, a little surprised by this description of me. I know I have precision focus and when I want something I get it, one way or another. I just have to want it enough... But this description made me think-

Purpose is a must for me, and hardwork isn't daunting. It is to be expected. I despise mediocrity. I demand exceptional excellence, and will push for it.

I am willing to practice an art I committ to, endlessly, until it becomes second nature to me, executed with flawless ease. There is no other way in my book. I have to love it passionately or it's not worth the effort. If it's worth doing it's worth doing well! I have very high expectations and I'm not often disappointed in myself. I work hard to meet my expectations. I love that about me. If that makes me a force of nature I'm okay with that.

I believe that true human essence is a force of nature. If more humans worked hard to embody essence and free themselves from the shackles of ego, this world would be a better place.

Mediocrity is existing like an animal, a slave to the whims of ego. The art of living is aspiring towards essence. That highest form is what I aspire toward. Each day is a journey and a struggle with self. Each day is a lifetime in that effort.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016


You must break
Over and over
Only that way can you discover
What is truly "Unbreakable" in you
And that part is your authentic self

Get to know it well
Listen to it
Turn up the volume 
When it speaks
Only this voice matters, the rest is an ego illusion

My new awareness...
I had to break
And break things
To have a break through,
And break free:-
Of some patterns
Out of a rut
Of ego prison
Of fear
Of pain
Of anger
Of expectation
Of entitlement 

Unbreakable is a good place to find myself today-