Thursday, May 19, 2016

Mothers and daughters

Chats with her mother are the most important conversations a daughter can have.

I'm 38 and most days all that is needed is a mama duck chat to get my brain right again.

A few days ago, Mama Duck says to me

"You are who you are because you have been through a lot..."

And just like that I remember who I am and why the struggle is necessary. 

Adversity is a catalyst for growth. 

And then I surrender and fall into the whirlwind that only a moment ago frightened me. Only this time it isn't fear, but resilience, awareness and a quiet confidence that I feel. A quiet sort of knowing that whatever is coming, I will face it and in the end I will overcome and be okay.

Meanwhile in another mama conversation - me with with my teen this morning...

Me- it's a hyper sexualized world you're growing up in
Bug- yup
Me- sex is a very natural and normal part of life you know
Bug- yup
Me- nothing to be ashamed of, quite normal to be attracted to people and for people to find you attractive 
Bug- I know mom...
Me- meanwhile attraction and all considered, your goodies are on lockdown! I mean if someone says 'you have great goodies', you tell them 'I know this- thank you. I like my goodies. They're my goodies! And just an FYI mate they are on lockdown. No goodies for you!!!'
Got it?
Bug- I got it. My goodies are on lock down!
Me- exactly! your goodies are on lockdown. If someone tries to get those goodies... I will go all psychomama on them!
Bug- oh I believe that!!!
Me- yup! I mean like seriously 
Bug- oh believe me I know!

And so it goes...
My mama reminds me that I must surrender into a whirlwind and I remind my bug that her goodies are on lockdown until further notice.

38 and 16
Different talks
Different lessons
Same wisdom!

Soul food

"Your soul has a voice
What matters is how quickly you answer it's call, and follow where it guides you"

When I answer my soul
I am happy

When I conform to an arbitrary world
I come undone

You may call me 
Out of line
Out of turn
In your world so blind...

But my soul and I are one

I can bear 
Your wrath

But my soul betray
I never can
I am a woman wild
My soul can not be tamed 

I dance at will
Free like the wind
I have no use
For your arbitrary ways

Ask me of the infinite wisdom
In the air
The earth
The waves...
My soul hears it all
The birds call
The heart's wail
No I have no place
For your arbitrary ways

I claim no fame
Seek no fortune
I own a treasure
Deep inside myself

Does my insolence

Does my free voice 
Rasp inside your brain

Does my dancing
Frighten you
Or my lack of shame
Make me 
You cannot tame

Did you think me
To own
And mold
And rule
And break

I am a woman wild
I give life
I fear not
Your arbitrary ways

With each sunrise
I am reborn
You seek to ruin me
But I am a soul
You cannot
My essence
It will remain
Long after your arbitrary ways

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Bruised rose petals and concrete

Don't ask me why...
Ask me how-


Unfailing courage.
Faith in your creator.
The humility to be ground into dust.
After all,
We all come from dust.
Hope- that when you've hit rock bottom,
the only thing left to do is begin to climb your way out.
Crawl if you must.
Bleed and break and fall if you must.
Weep if you must.
But climb,
You must...

And yet you ask

Endless forgiveness.
Of self,
And of other.
The wisdom to falter
And yet,
To falter but never fail...
To fail you have to give up.
But don't give up.
Never give up!
Let death happen,
But never give up.
As it stands,
Death comes to us all...
All die,
But few actually live.
And falter...
But never give up!

And still you ask
Never give up?

Above all...
Endless love
Love that informs 
That to do anything but
Is not an option.
That is how...

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Raising daughters...

It's a jungle out there.
Give them the skills they need to navigate it. 

Teach them:-
Singlemindedness of purpose
The ability to let go
The desire to hold on
The worth of that which cannot be bought-
The value of a life, any life, every life
How to have fun
How to fight dirty when needed
How to bend with the storm
And above all

Tuesday, April 26, 2016


The only hold others have over you is you holding on...
At some point you have to let go
And free yourself-

Monday, April 25, 2016

Mean hearts-

What emptiness of existence leads to a mean heart...?

After days of facing mean, I came home today bruised in spirit and soul.
"I want to read Chrysanthemum and play parcheesi!"
I told Bug!
"Let's do it she said..." Remembering her childhood tale about bullies who will try to snuff the joy out of a shining soul.

Sometimes the grown up world is full of bullies too!

So we read a bedtime story...
And it was divine.
And then I sang to her our song- 

-You are my sunshine...

And then we played our other song-

And lastly this one...

And then it all settled into place. Perspective! 

Nothing else mattered but what I held in my arms this very moment!
This was life!
This mattered...

Not the fucking shit I've been dealing with!

This, here in my arms was life-

And I thought, what emptiness of spirit leads to such a mean heart!?

It did not matter to me anymore. They did not matter and neither did their actions.

Here in my arms was my universe intact!

How then could anything ever touch me?

When you are love and filled with love, hate and mean cannot touch you...

My blessing always, this beautiful treasure...

Thursday, April 14, 2016


I'm not quite sure when or how my heart starts to close off but it does.

I want to keep it open...wide open...

There was a man today playing conga drums outside the Reading Terminal Market. A homeless woman missing her two front teeth enjoyed and danced to the music. She was having so much fun!
I stood next to her and danced with her. She liked my red hair. I thought she was beautiful, how she enjoyed the music, lost in it. I told her I thought she was beautiful. We connected. She did not ask me for anything.

I returned to conferencing, exhilarated by the interaction. Later this evening, I wanted to show Bug the Market so I brought her to grab a bite. We bought some pastries after and thought we'd see the Liberty Bell and then head back to the hotel to rest and enjoy our pastries.

We headed off in the wrong direction and I wanted to step into a store to get directions. Outside the store, the homeless woman from earlier today saw me. She came over to talk and I told her I remembered her from earlier. I'm not sure if she remembered me, but she approached me and asked if I could spare some change. And that is when it happened. My brain process- I'm on a budget this trip- I need to buy Bug a car-I'm a single parent-I only had 20's in my wallet...

So I told her I was sorry and turned away.

(The night before last as I walked to the hotel in the cold, and saw the homeless huddled asleep by the grates for warmth, I thanked God for his blessings- that I was headed to a warm place to rest my head with a full belly. It was only a matter of chance I was not them and they were not me. I thought, tomorrow I should bring a box of food for them. The same thought crossed my mind when I walked to the conference this morning. The homeless were gone by then but I knew they'd be back by nightfall.)

Just now after a tasteless takeout order I did not want to eat is sitting outside my hotel room I am in turmoil. I am wasting food! Furthermore, I wasted money on food I did not eat. I wasn't even that hungry in the first place. I was just gluttonous and wanted... Food... Food that did not satisfy.
Was I hungry- no, it was just the desire that I might want some before I went off to bed.
Not need...

The homeless woman today who asked me to help had a need! And I did not help her... I had other wants- a car for Bug, budgets, etc but not really "needs".

After all I had a car and we can share it. I had more than enough money to give the homeless woman but my heart was closed. 

And tonight this thought broke it open, and the breaking hurts. 
My guilt hurts.
I am glad it hurts.
The hurt means my heart is open.
And tomorrow if I see that woman I am taking her out to have lunch with me.

After all SHE gave me joy today- as she danced, and we briefly interacted. I took the joy she gave me, I was greedy. I needed that joy to brighten my closed off heart. I was also selfish and took without giving back!
And this thought makes me tear up because it hurts...
I am glad it hurts.
The hurt means my heart has opened again.
So this woman who I refused to help earlier helps me still, and opens my heart yet again for a second time today.
First with joy this afternoon
And now with sorrow and guilt and understanding and kindness and empathy.

She is a beautiful angel, and gave me so much! I hope she has a warm place to sleep tonight and some food in her belly...

I hope she will forgive me.
I ask my creator for forgiveness for not helping her today, but never again shall I be unwilling to help...