Wednesday, February 25, 2015

The Unbreakable Heart

"You have to break your heart over and over until it becomes an Unbreakable Heart"

When your heart breaks, your soul can hear the sound...
When your heart breaks, fear tends to take root...
Carefully you construct the outer shell that will enclose your poor heart. Meticulously you discipline it, bit by bit, shut it down and lock it away- for safe keeping and alas, just like that your poor heart is put away, put aside- and there it sits untouched day after day, year after year.
Every so often it forces it's way out and at the first sign of a crack, and the twinge of emotion it's tucked away again for safe keeping-

"A heart cracking open to feel love, feels a lot like a heart breaking open..."

I lived a life
A safe life
A life without a heart
Because of a broken heart
That I tucked away
Once upon a time 
For safe keeping

It's funny I can't even remember
When I put it away

But today
With open heart
I wonder
How much of life I missed
With my poor heart
Locked away

I have been breaking my heart
For ages now
I no longer fear
For I have learned from experience 
That I can sustain
A lot

There is a quiet
That settles in my soul now
A knowing
Of the power
Of love
Once all emotions have cycled through me,

All that remains is love
And love is...
It simply 

Before there was anything
There was love
Out of nothing 
Love brought everything
All you need is love
Love is all you need

And this is why
I have been breaking my heart
Because breaking my heart
Leads to an Unbreakable Heart

You can only know life
Through an Unbreakable Heart
Knowing leads to love
And love to knowing

Knowing about love 
Will lead you to love
And once you arrive at love
All things intersect
And then there is
Because love is
Love simply

Tuesday, February 3, 2015


Once upon a time
I was a human 
I loved
I lived
I cared
I laughed 
I wept
I knew right from wrong

Once upon a time
There was a world
Of sunshine
Of kindness
Of caring
Of understanding 
Of helping 
Of being more than "me"

Once upon a time
There was truth
And faith
And hope
And trust
And knowing 
And giving
There was wisdom 

Once upon a time
I wished
To go back 
To give back
To be free
To know you
To know me
To go back to the goodness of ONCE

Monday, February 2, 2015

My city of love

Oddly enough 
There's no place on earth
That I think of as "home"
Not a spot or a corner
That feels like my own
I've wandered this earth
A nomad I am
And yet there's an ache
A longing inside 
For a place full of love 
A place where I smile

Oddly enough
When I think 
Of Peshawar 
It now feels like home
I feel tears in my eyes
And my heart starts to melt
I hear the sounds of laughter
Feel all the love in the air
The warmth of the people
Kind hearts everywhere

Oddly enough
Love and Peshawar 
Both sound the same
They called it the city of flowers
It's fragrance lingers still
The city of love
That's my name for it
In this world
I'm confused
I don't have a home
But if it's my heart that you seek 
It beats in Peshawar
That's where it stayed  
In my city of love
My heart made a home

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Ek ehsaas reh Gaya hai...

Meray jootaun pay Peshawar ki gard aur mitti reh gayee hai
Sansoon may kuch shaheedon ki maon ki kushboo reh gayee hai
Kanon may pyaray bachon ki khikhilati hansi ki awaz reh gayi hai
Dil may un sab ki muhabbat aur chahat ka ehsas reh Gaya hai
Meri rooh bay ikhtiyar reh gayi hai
Ummeed reh gayee hai, aansoo reh gayay hain
Hawah may sakit- chand alfaaz reh gayay hain
Ek darwaza Meray laut nay Kay intizar may khula reh Gaya hai
Meray dil ki dharkan may
Peshawar Kay dil Kay dharaknay ki ahat reh gayi hai
Kuch yaadain reh gayee hain
Bay inteha pyaar reh Gaya hai
Peshawar Teri yaad reh gayi hai
Dil may ek ehsaas reh Gaya hai

Monday, January 12, 2015

Inside and outside

The price of fame
A life...

What they see
My outside

Who I am
My inside

Friday, January 9, 2015

The curiously odd person

So remember the person from my "curious" posts...
Well he resurfaced again and this time hit a real time low even for him!

He contacted people at my place of work! What a slimy thing to do.

Monday, January 5, 2015


The year my heart was torn asunder

I tried without success to blog before the new year rolled in-

I could not. 
How can one begin to describe a year of heartbreak?

I lost myself in 2014.
Lost everything I ever was or thought I was
Every last bit of Shahnaz vaporized as I clawed at thin air trying to hold on to something, anything that would give me a sense of something solid.

The dissolution started with many things and culminated in the carnage of Gaza.

My heart has never known such agony. My soul was incinerated over and over until it was cleansed and only truth and awareness remained. 

I cannot remember who I was very clearly. I just know I am not that anymore...

I like the new me. It is a raw me. An organic state with nothing to hide. I am!
I taste a fierce passion raging like a storm in my soul and it heats my blood. I realize I am something wild. My pulse throbs in my ear with the sound of truth and I care not if I am the only one that utters it, I shall speak. And speak it loud.

Not much of anything has any value to me anymore- save love, and truth and right action with right heart. 

Everything else is just dust.

2014 was a year of reckoning. I was incinerated into dust and my essence purified. 

Face down on the ground I surrendered to Him that is my maker and He took me in and made me whole-