I looked at the screen for what seemed like an eternity- and yet the writing would not come. Awareness came but the writing would not come. And so I sat content and at peace, with my awareness and my understanding at last.
Rituals are are important. Some sort of ceremony to mark the end of one chapter, otherwise the self rages within, in distress of unfinished business.
We wear rose tinted spectacles- our own customized ones, that we shape and form meticulously. We carefully layer untruths and rationalizations and exceptions that go against our very grain in order to create the perfect image of most anything in life that we choose to indulge in- irrespective of its benefit or lack thereof, for us...
The mind is a very powerful thing and human deception lethal, especially when that deception is directed towards our own selves. We are a cunning species. We have the unique, inherent capability to convince- through wiles, reasoning, selective evidence, and rationalizing; most anyone of anything! The fatal irony is that we fall victim to it ourselves. In my opinion that is the hubris of our times-
The fact that we can fool our own selves so completely that we believe our own lies!
And what a hubris!
It puts all Greek tragedy to shame.
Bring on Oedipus
Bring on Achilles
Bring on even Icarus
None can compare with the hubris of self deception.
An avid scholar of psychology, I have always researched human thinking and reasoning. What compels man to act the way he does. What drives our impulses. What forces are at play within the deep recesses of the intellect that so trap and entwine us into the many mental dilemmas and illnesses that abound since time immemorial?
I am reminded of Albert Bandura's research on Moral disengagement. In order to commit an act of immorality, a moral being must first disengage itself from the trappings of the mind that would prevent it from so doing. The mind must first be convinced, through rationale and reasoning and logic and evidence, why that act is important, valid, necessary- even inevitable.
It is so with me as well.
I am brought face to face today with my own lies told to my own self.
I sat this afternoon and looked through some images that, at first, caused a twinge of pain, a tightening of my chest, a quickening of my pulse... and I left them for a while only to return to them later. I looked again and there was a brief flicker of truth, a feeling of a glimpse of something as if through a deep and thick fog- a rosy fog, self created and nourished, by self deception.
I left the images again and gave myself room to wander in my head while my physical being tended to tasks, daily this and that, work and stuff that are almost second nature to me. But all the while something brewed, something steeped. The feeling lingered and marinated deep in the juices of momentary understanding, reality, truth....
I returned to them just a while back.... And looked close. Really close. I sat and kept very still in my mind. I reached deep into my thoughts and pulled off my rose tinted spectacles and there it was- at last...
THE TRUTH-
Stark
Obvious
Blatant
Bitter
NAKED
TRUTH
T-R-U-T-H
Oh how I had deceived! Oh how I had painted over with beautiful rosy and brilliant colors...! How I had coated with warmth and nurtured with my very own blood and peace, sweat and soul- my own nemesis!
How I had created my own misery. How I had watered and tended to the poisonous garden that festered my very being with sadness, yearning, loss, torment...
And how, now.... as I looked on, it came so easy-
TRUTH
Sight
Awareness
Acceptance
Release
Peace
But there is no blame to go around. Least of all for myself. No blame whatsoever...
Things must take their course.
Time is the keeper.
Time is the seeker.
Time is the detergent that washes away everything-
Hurt
Loss
Lies
Life...
No, there is no blame.
There is no shame.
There is nothing to fret about at all.
There is only the knowing that comes with time-
How else would I grow?
How else would I learn?
How else would I know?
The truths withing the lies.
The truths within the truths.
The truths of myself.
The truths of others.
How else would I be human?
If I did not falter?
If I did not fail?
If I did not stumble?
How else would I be human?
If I did not learn?
If I did not recover?
If I did not, in the end, rectify and move on...?
How else would I be human?
How else would I be me?
