Thursday, December 31, 2015


Au Revoir...
Another year
There were many smiles
And many tears,
And I conquered 
Many fears
I was broken down 
And I repaired- On my own
The best way
The only way
The true self can be found.

A year of reckoning 
When the strengths
I'd accumulated
Were tested and toned
I let go some friends
Made new foes
In the process
My circle tightened
Now I have
A few
My crew
Well trusted
Well known

This year I stand
With no strings attached
Such exquisite joy
When tonight
The clock strikes
To ring in
A new beginning
There's no longing
No regret 
No ghosts to haunt me
No old loves I yearn for
Nothing at all
Holds me back anymore
It will be
A brand new day
In every sense
And every way
And a refreshed
To greet
A new year 
A new day
And many new ways

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Night wraith

Tossed away all my diamonds and gold
But a house of trust I built
And I plastered it with love
Planted hope for a garden 
And watered it with my dreams 
Deep within fires of passion smolder
And underneath the stars
I threw care to the wind 
And danced in the silent depth of the dark night...
To the music in my heart

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Autumn Homecoming

On a Saturday morning
Of autumn time
The tears that silently fall
Down my cheeks
Bring me home
At last
To myself
My heart
My soul
My mind
And body
Unite again,
It has been an agony
Of struggle
And madness
As each ran it's own course
And neither the right course
And in the process of letting go
And shedding
Of Autumn time...
The tears wash away
And I release
For I am
I will ever need
And at last
I return home
And in that quiet humble place
The divine meets with me
And I settle deep within presence 
And awareness of 
The divine in me

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Love and waiting

"Being with you is life! Everything else is just waiting..."

Words he says to me-
2 weeks!

Friday, October 9, 2015

Last gentleman standing

I saw him through the day
His face familiar 
But I could not locate 
Him in my memory
In the courtyard we met
Him leaving 
I walking in
We had spoken 
In written words before
I thought I knew his face
He reminded me then
Why I knew his face
We walked back in

In the maelstorm of the evening
We kept missing each other
Until at last we spoke 
He saw me
He heard me
And in the pull of the crowd
We parted
And came together 
Over a meal
I shed a tear
And as he listened
He handed me
A handkerchief...
The last gentleman standing 
My angel of grace

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Struggle and surrender

We struggle
For love
For love
We surrender 

(Today's truth...)

Friday, October 2, 2015

I want your face on my rock

"Are you on my continent?" I asked
"East of you", he said
There's his rock...
And my rock...
"I want your face on my rock-"
I simply stated...

His rock and my rock
Have been around a while
Oceans apart 
But yet
Our hearts are united

We've orbited around each other for over ten years
I like him in my orbit...

He thinks our paths criss cross 
And that we drift apart and come together when we are troubled

I disagree
I think we come together when we have drifted too far from our own true selves

He is not my mirror
He is like the beat to my heart

I once crossed an ocean 
And landed on his rock
I knew it not at the time
But he was the pull that took me that far...

We did not see it coming
It was preordained
Our meeting would happen
The stars proclaimed

He gave me a gift
I never knew 
I had always wanted...
I knew not that I wanted it
Until he placed it in my hands

He asked what my mom thought
I told him no thought mattered
No opinion was needed
I love him 
And that was all that really mattered 

He thinks it an honor
To have met me
I told him to own it
It was his right...

He said to me
"I have wanted to call you 
So many times....
But then I think
She must be busy or counseling or sleeping ...
And then I put the phone down
The call never made."

I told him
"One day
Your soul will tell you to call me
And your heart will refuse to listen to your brain 
And then it will happen
The call will be made"

I love this man
In the most honest way...

Thursday, September 17, 2015


Smell of a leaf
Lots of laughter
And infinite love...
That's him
That's the one I love 

Wednesday, September 16, 2015


What I feel...

What I need

What I want

Even when I speak...

It is a wilderness
I wander

Saturday, September 12, 2015

Tea, chocolate and tamarind...❤️

It's twilight outside
The soft glow of city lights
Warms up the evening sky
Like fireflies
Cars with headlights whiz by
People coming and going
Moving along
In this maelstrom 
Called life...

I sit still
Here in my coffee shop
In my particular seat
Tangy taste of my tamarind candy
Mixed with my mint tea
Feeling the warmth 
Of contentment
Mixed with some restlessness
Slowly invade my body

Smooth jazz on the radio
I contemplate
The brilliant show
That unfolds daily 
Before my eyes
We wake
We work
We love
We hope
We strive
We cry
One day we die

Outside a little child
Twirls and dances 
To the song 
Inside her head
What a beautiful sight!

It's time for a change...
I anticipate the taste
As I bite into
My dark chocolate 
Instead of the tamarind
I close my eyes 
To immerse fully
Into my delight
It melts on my tongue
A glorious explosion
Of bittersweet flavor
I smile as it satisfies
Fulfills the craving
I take a sip of my tea
The mint flavor
Enhancing the chilli

And ponder some more on
For me life is a lot like
Tea and chocolate and tamarind
A fascinating mix 
Of flavor explosions
Of anticipation
Sometimes bittersweet
And hot and often
But if you live it right
Life is the most perfect blend
Of unexpected
Mixing in all the right ways
To fulfil
And if you do it right
You'll spend it dancing
Like a little child
To the song
Inside your head
And bite into it
Never simply nibble...
Because life is never meant to be 
A whisper
Life is to be lived
Out loud

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Love notes~

 I may be busy and away but in my mind I miss you more often than I could remember....

He did not write much,
Just one sentence...
And one sentence
Was enough.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

She and I

I look in the mirror
She looks back at me...
I plaster on my smile
Her sad eyes stare back unsmiling
I look away
It is too painful to bear

I look in the mirror
She resolutely stares back
I break into a sob
She holds my gaze
I dry my tears
She strengthens me

I look in the mirror
She half smiles at me
My eyes twinkle back in return
She breaks into a grin
And I laugh back at her
We nod our heads in unison

She is me
And I am her...
We can weather
Any storms
That life may bring

Sunday, September 6, 2015


Sleepy eyes
Tousled hair
Dig deeper under the covers
Snooze some more
Mellow light through the curtains falls 
Favorite music playing on the radio
I sift through the memories in my head
And then one by one I let them go

Friday, September 4, 2015

Lolly gagging

gerund or present participle: lollygagging
  1. spend time aimlessly; idle.
    "he sends her to Arizona every January to lollygag in the sun"
    • dawdle.
      "we're lollygagging along"

      Lolly gagging 
      It's a unique and wonderful art. I have it honed down to an effortless skill. I engage in it often and derive great satisfaction in the practice of it. I have discovered I have the most unique ability to find the nooks and crannies where the act itself is treated with great reverence.
      I strongly encourage everyone to engage in it profusely.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

A perfect moment

I close my eyes-
The soft kiss of sunlight on my face
The gentle breeze whispering through the leaves in the trees
Wispy clouds like ribbons of cotton candy
Behind me the bustle of a busy city street
Cars and buses whizzing past,
But for me a moment of respite-
Wind on my face
Warm sunlight
Grass beneath me
And just like that
A perfect moment comes to pass...

Thursday, July 9, 2015


The fallen
Never forgotten...

This time last year
The bloodshed 
The carnage
The innocent
So ravaged

In remembrance-

Monday, June 8, 2015


One of those songs that ignites a lost love in a rush of remembered brilliance...

If we only get one amazingly passionate love- have I lived mine?
And if we get a few... Again, have I lived mine?

No photographs left but the ones I carry in my heart and soul-

(Photograph-Ed Sheeran)

Sunday, May 31, 2015

White chocolate mocha

Coffee shop
Many thoughts
White chocolate mocha 
On the radio- delicate refrain 
A few humans
Here and there 
Outside on the road
A sparkling sheen
After the rain...

And for the moment
Time slows down
Life slows down

I am content
Just to be still
Listen to the music
And breathe

I am...
And that is all 
In this moment

Tuesday, May 5, 2015


From the confines of "me"
I am set free...
And now I seek 

Monday, April 27, 2015

The life I want

Me- I am in existential pain at the awareness of a deep loneliness

Bug- but isn't everybody? You should figure out a way to accept that

Me- I'm working on it...

(A curious thought experiment. . . Nietzsche's message to us was to live life in such a way that we would be willing to repeat the same life eternally

~Irvin D. Yalom)


In order to do so I must give up all that society has determined as "success"...

Building up courage to let it all go. To live the life I truly want is a scary thought!


There is an ache
An existential craving 
The seeks to connect
To touch,
On a human level
A simple human touch

Monday, April 20, 2015


Back to basics
Back to black
Back to dark
Seeking light
In the depths
Of change
And confusion
Shall emerge
A new life

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Reluctant Intimacy...

“Soon we will be strangers. No, we can never be that. Hurting someone is an act of reluctant intimacy. We will be dangerous 
acquaintances with a history.” 

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Morning serenade

As I lay in bed this morning
Listening to my serenades
I tuned in to my heart
And smiled 
At the whisperings
It spoke to me
Like a warm glow 
Running through my being
I could taste 
The sweetness of
These feelings in my mouth
Nothing tethered
Just footloose
Delicate tendrils
Humming through my soul
My mind aware
Body relaxed
And my heart just resonates 
With the thrum
Of the string quartet
Playing it's delicate refrain
An exquisite moment
Of bliss 
So fragile 
In an otherwise insane world
My lovely morning serenade

"Tell you one thing that ain't gonna change love- sun still rises even with the rain"
~Another Story
The Head and The Heart

This heart

This heart of mine...
It's not a half way heart
Like intoxicating wine
It seeks to consume 
Or be consumed
Not just a sip
It seeks to drown
It rushes
It rages
Like waves crashing down
In a stormy ocean
This heart of mine...
It's not a timid heart
Like a sledgehammer 
It pounds 
Deep and strong 
Inside my chest
Heating the blood
That runs in my veins
This heart of mine...
It's not a stoic heart
It explodes 
And breaks
Pulsates with unchecked passion
This heart of mine...
Is a wandering heart
Always a traveler
Nomad in the wilderness
An explorer
But never a resident
It's not a fickle heart...
This heart of mine
But it is a wanderer
This heart 
A forever wanderer

Friday, March 20, 2015


" inside your feet and chances are that the rest of you will follow..."


the state or fact of being present, as with others or in a place.
attendance or company: Your presence is requested.
immediate vicinity; proximity: in the presence of witnesses.
the military or economic power of a country as reflected abroad by the stationing of its troops, sale of its goods, etc.: the American military presence in Europe; the Japanese presence in the U.S. consumer market.
Chiefly British . the immediate personal vicinity of a great personage giving audience or reception: summoned to her presence.
As I sat by Sophie today, I pondered this elusive thing. Presence.

Chocolate brownies...

"People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime..."
Linda stated that to me-

She is a "lifetime" person. 
I wanted to make brownies today. I only cook for people I love... I wanted to make brownies for a person I wanted, desired to be a lifetime person. 

The universe had other plans. Brownies did not happen, but a lot of other things did. Anger happened. Awareness happened. Forgiveness happened. 


I looked closely 
And saw right through
The lie that he had built
A new world he did create
And even caste another 
To play the part of "me"
The same words
He spoke to her
The same names he used
That once he used for me
How strange the games that are played
The lies we tell ourselves
So deep we bury truths 
We believe the lies we tell
And so with some understanding
I walked away from the window
Of a past I visit often
I'm not quite sure why I still do...
Maybe someday soon I'll uncover
A lie I'm telling myself
It's either the world that's mad-
Or me....
I've yet to discover 
What truth there is to that 

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

The Unbreakable Heart

"You have to break your heart over and over until it becomes an Unbreakable Heart"

When your heart breaks, your soul can hear the sound...
When your heart breaks, fear tends to take root...
Carefully you construct the outer shell that will enclose your poor heart. Meticulously you discipline it, bit by bit, shut it down and lock it away- for safe keeping and alas, just like that your poor heart is put away, put aside- and there it sits untouched day after day, year after year.
Every so often it forces it's way out and at the first sign of a crack, and the twinge of emotion it's tucked away again for safe keeping-

"A heart cracking open to feel love, feels a lot like a heart breaking open..."

I lived a life
A safe life
A life without a heart
Because of a broken heart
That I tucked away
Once upon a time 
For safe keeping

It's funny I can't even remember
When I put it away

But today
With open heart
I wonder
How much of life I missed
With my poor heart
Locked away

I have been breaking my heart
For ages now
I no longer fear
For I have learned from experience 
That I can sustain
A lot

There is a quiet
That settles in my soul now
A knowing
Of the power
Of love
Once all emotions have cycled through me,

All that remains is love
And love is...
It simply 

Before there was anything
There was love
Out of nothing 
Love brought everything
All you need is love
Love is all you need

And this is why
I have been breaking my heart
Because breaking my heart
Leads to an Unbreakable Heart

You can only know life
Through an Unbreakable Heart
Knowing leads to love
And love to knowing

Knowing about love 
Will lead you to love
And once you arrive at love
All things intersect
And then there is
Because love is
Love simply

Tuesday, February 3, 2015


Once upon a time
I was a human 
I loved
I lived
I cared
I laughed 
I wept
I knew right from wrong

Once upon a time
There was a world
Of sunshine
Of kindness
Of caring
Of understanding 
Of helping 
Of being more than "me"

Once upon a time
There was truth
And faith
And hope
And trust
And knowing 
And giving
There was wisdom 

Once upon a time
I wished
To go back 
To give back
To be free
To know you
To know me
To go back to the goodness of ONCE

Monday, February 2, 2015

My city of love

Oddly enough 
There's no place on earth
That I think of as "home"
Not a spot or a corner
That feels like my own
I've wandered this earth
A nomad I am
And yet there's an ache
A longing inside 
For a place full of love 
A place where I smile

Oddly enough
When I think 
Of Peshawar 
It now feels like home
I feel tears in my eyes
And my heart starts to melt
I hear the sounds of laughter
Feel all the love in the air
The warmth of the people
Kind hearts everywhere

Oddly enough
Love and Peshawar 
Both sound the same
They called it the city of flowers
It's fragrance lingers still
The city of love
That's my name for it
In this world
I'm confused
I don't have a home
But if it's my heart that you seek 
It beats in Peshawar
That's where it stayed  
In my city of love
My heart made a home

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Ek ehsaas reh Gaya hai...

Meray jootaun pay Peshawar ki gard aur mitti reh gayee hai
Sansoon may kuch shaheedon ki maon ki kushboo reh gayee hai
Kanon may pyaray bachon ki khikhilati hansi ki awaz reh gayi hai
Dil may un sab ki muhabbat aur chahat ka ehsas reh Gaya hai
Meri rooh bay ikhtiyar reh gayi hai
Ummeed reh gayee hai, aansoo reh gayay hain
Hawah may sakit- chand alfaaz reh gayay hain
Ek darwaza Meray laut nay Kay intizar may khula reh Gaya hai
Meray dil ki dharkan may
Peshawar Kay dil Kay dharaknay ki ahat reh gayi hai
Kuch yaadain reh gayee hain
Bay inteha pyaar reh Gaya hai
Peshawar Teri yaad reh gayi hai
Dil may ek ehsaas reh Gaya hai

Monday, January 12, 2015

Inside and outside

The price of fame
A life...

What they see
My outside

Who I am
My inside

Monday, January 5, 2015


The year my heart was torn asunder

I tried without success to blog before the new year rolled in-

I could not. 
How can one begin to describe a year of heartbreak?

I lost myself in 2014.
Lost everything I ever was or thought I was
Every last bit of Shahnaz vaporized as I clawed at thin air trying to hold on to something, anything that would give me a sense of something solid.

The dissolution started with many things and culminated in the carnage of Gaza.

My heart has never known such agony. My soul was incinerated over and over until it was cleansed and only truth and awareness remained. 

I cannot remember who I was very clearly. I just know I am not that anymore...

I like the new me. It is a raw me. An organic state with nothing to hide. I am!
I taste a fierce passion raging like a storm in my soul and it heats my blood. I realize I am something wild. My pulse throbs in my ear with the sound of truth and I care not if I am the only one that utters it, I shall speak. And speak it loud.

Not much of anything has any value to me anymore- save love, and truth and right action with right heart. 

Everything else is just dust.

2014 was a year of reckoning. I was incinerated into dust and my essence purified. 

Face down on the ground I surrendered to Him that is my maker and He took me in and made me whole-