2015

Au Revoir...

Another year

There were many smiles

And many tears,

And I conquered 

Many fears

I was broken down 

And I repaired- On my own

The best way

The only way

The true self can be found.

A year of reckoning 

When the strengths

I'd accumulated

Were tested and toned

I let go some friends

Made new foes

In the process

My circle tightened

Now I have

A few

My crew

Well trusted

Well known

This year I stand

With no strings attached

Such exquisite joy

When tonight

The clock strikes

To ring in

A new beginning

There's no longing

No regret 

No ghosts to haunt me

No old loves I yearn for

Nothing at all

Holds me back anymore

It will be

A brand new day

In every sense

And every way

And a refreshed

Me

To greet

A new year 

A new day

And many new ways

Night wraith

Tossed away all my diamonds and gold

But a house of trust I built

And I plastered it with love

Planted hope for a garden 

And watered it with my dreams 

Deep within fires of passion smolder

And underneath the stars

I threw care to the wind 

And danced in the silent depth of the dark night...

To the music in my heart

Autumn Homecoming

On a Saturday morning

Of autumn time

The tears that silently fall

Down my cheeks

Bring me home

At last

To myself

My heart

My soul

My mind

And body

Unite again,

Today...

It has been an agony

Of struggle

And madness

As each ran it's own course

And neither the right course

And in the process of letting go

And shedding

Of Autumn time...

The tears wash away

Everything

And I release

Everything

For I am

Everything

I will ever need

And at last

I return home

And in that quiet humble place

The divine meets with me

And I settle deep within presence 

And awareness of 

The divine in me

Love and waiting

"Being with you is life! Everything else is just waiting..."

Words he says to me-

2 weeks!

Last gentleman standing

I saw him through the day

His face familiar 

But I could not locate 

Him in my memory

In the courtyard we met

Him leaving 

I walking in

We had spoken 

In written words before

I thought I knew his face

He reminded me then

Why I knew his face

We walked back in

In the maelstorm of the evening

We kept missing each other

Until at last we spoke 

He saw me

He heard me

And in the pull of the crowd

We parted

And came together 

Over a meal

I shed a tear

And as he listened

He handed me

A handkerchief...

The last gentleman standing 

My angel of grace

Struggle and surrender

We struggle

For love

For love

We surrender 

(Today's truth...)

I want your face on my rock

"Are you on my continent?" I asked

"East of you", he said

There's his rock...

And my rock...

"I want your face on my rock-"

I simply stated...

His rock and my rock

Have been around a while

Oceans apart 

But yet

Our hearts are united

We've orbited around each other for over ten years

I like him in my orbit...

He thinks our paths criss cross 

And that we drift apart and come together when we are troubled

I disagree

I think we come together when we have drifted too far from our own true selves

He is not my mirror

He is like the beat to my heart

I once crossed an ocean 

And landed on his rock

I knew it not at the time

But he was the pull that took me that far...

We did not see it coming

It was preordained

Our meeting would happen

The stars proclaimed

He gave me a gift

I never knew 

I had always wanted...

I knew not that I wanted it

Until he placed it in my hands

He asked what my mom thought

I told him no thought mattered

No opinion was needed

I love him 

And that was all that really mattered 

He thinks it an honor

To have met me

I told him to own it

It was his right...

He said to me

"I have wanted to call you 

So many times....

But then I think

She must be busy or counseling or sleeping ...

And then I put the phone down

The call never made."

I told him

"One day

Your soul will tell you to call me

And your heart will refuse to listen to your brain 

And then it will happen

The call will be made"

I love this man

In the most honest way...

TC

Pretzel 

Love

Red

Smell of a leaf

Lots of laughter

And infinite love...

That's him

That's the one I love 

Unspoken

What I feel...

Unspoken

What I need

Unspoken

What I want

Unspoken

Even when I speak...

Unspoken

It is a wilderness

I wander

Tea, chocolate and tamarind...❤️

It's twilight outside

The soft glow of city lights

Warms up the evening sky

Like fireflies

Cars with headlights whiz by

People coming and going

Moving along

In this maelstrom 

Called life...

I sit still

Here in my coffee shop

In my particular seat

Tangy taste of my tamarind candy

Mixed with my mint tea

Feeling the warmth 

Of contentment

Mixed with some restlessness

Slowly invade my body

Smooth jazz on the radio

I contemplate

The brilliant show

That unfolds daily 

Before my eyes

We wake

We work

We love

We hope

We strive

We cry

One day we die

Outside a little child

Twirls and dances 

To the song 

Inside her head

What a beautiful sight!

It's time for a change...

I anticipate the taste

As I bite into

My dark chocolate 

Instead of the tamarind

I close my eyes 

To immerse fully

Into my delight

It melts on my tongue

A glorious explosion

Of bittersweet flavor

I smile as it satisfies

Fulfills the craving

I take a sip of my tea

The mint flavor

Enhancing the chilli

And ponder some more on

Life...!

For me life is a lot like

Tea and chocolate and tamarind

A fascinating mix 

Of flavor explosions

Of anticipation

Sometimes bittersweet

And hot and often

Incomplete

But if you live it right

...

Life is the most perfect blend

Of unexpected

Mixing in all the right ways

To fulfil

And if you do it right

You'll spend it dancing

Like a little child

To the song

Inside your head

And bite into it

Never simply nibble...

Because life is never meant to be 

A whisper

Life is to be lived

Out loud

-

Love notes~

 I may be busy and away but in my mind I miss you more often than I could remember....

He did not write much,

Just one sentence...

And one sentence

Was enough.

She and I

I look in the mirror

She looks back at me...

I plaster on my smile

Her sad eyes stare back unsmiling

I look away

It is too painful to bear

I look in the mirror

She resolutely stares back

I break into a sob

She holds my gaze

I dry my tears

She strengthens me

I look in the mirror

She half smiles at me

My eyes twinkle back in return

She breaks into a grin

And I laugh back at her

We nod our heads in unison

She is me

And I am her...

Together

We can weather

Any storms

That life may bring

Sunday

Sleepy eyes

Tousled hair

Dig deeper under the covers

Snooze some more

Mellow light through the curtains falls 

Favorite music playing on the radio

I sift through the memories in my head

And then one by one I let them go

---

Lolly gagging

lol·ly·gag

ˈlälēˌɡaɡ/

verb

NORTH AMERICANinformal

gerund or present participle: lollygagging

1. spend time aimlessly; idle.

   "he sends her to Arizona every January to lollygag in the sun"

   • dawdle.

     "we're lollygagging along"

     
     

     
     

     Lolly gagging 

     It's a unique and wonderful art. I have it honed down to an effortless skill. I engage in it often and derive great satisfaction in the practice of it. I have discovered I have the most unique ability to find the nooks and crannies where the act itself is treated with great reverence.

     I strongly encourage everyone to engage in it profusely.

     
     

     

     
     

A perfect moment

I close my eyes-

The soft kiss of sunlight on my face

The gentle breeze whispering through the leaves in the trees

Wispy clouds like ribbons of cotton candy

Behind me the bustle of a busy city street

Cars and buses whizzing past,

But for me a moment of respite-

Wind on my face

Warm sunlight

Grass beneath me

And just like that

A perfect moment comes to pass...

Remembrance

The fallen

Never forgotten...

This time last year

The bloodshed 

The carnage

The innocent

So ravaged

In remembrance-

#gaza

#freedom4palestine

http://www.irishtimes.com/news/ireland/irish-news/artists-pay-tribute-to-the-lost-children-of-gaza-1.2277699

Photograph

http://youtu.be/f00fgKzRtdo

One of those songs that ignites a lost love in a rush of remembered brilliance...

If we only get one amazingly passionate love- have I lived mine?

And if we get a few... Again, have I lived mine?

No photographs left but the ones I carry in my heart and soul-

(Photograph-Ed Sheeran)

White chocolate mocha

Coffee shop

Many thoughts

White chocolate mocha 

On the radio- delicate refrain 

A few humans

Here and there 

Outside on the road

A sparkling sheen

After the rain...

And for the moment

Time slows down

Life slows down

I am content

Just to be still

Listen to the music

And breathe

I am...

And that is all 

In this moment

Anonymity

From the confines of "me"

I am set free...

And now I seek 

Anonymity-

The life I want

Me- I am in existential pain at the awareness of a deep loneliness

Bug- but isn't everybody? You should figure out a way to accept that

Me- I'm working on it...

(A curious thought experiment. . . Nietzsche's message to us was to live life in such a way that we would be willing to repeat the same life eternally

~Irvin D. Yalom)

 

In order to do so I must give up all that society has determined as "success"...

Building up courage to let it all go. To live the life I truly want is a scary thought!

Touch

Touch-

Simple

Human

Touch...

There is an ache

An existential craving 

The seeks to connect

To touch,

Another

On a human level

A simple human touch

Black

Back to basics

Back to black

Back to dark

And,

Seeking light

In the depths

Of change

And confusion

Shall emerge

A new life

Reluctant Intimacy...

“Soon we will be strangers. No, we can never be that. Hurting someone is an act of reluctant intimacy. We will be dangerous 
acquaintances with a history.” 

Morning serenade

As I lay in bed this morning

Listening to my serenades

I tuned in to my heart

And smiled 

At the whisperings

It spoke to me

Like a warm glow 

Running through my being

I could taste 

The sweetness of

These feelings in my mouth

Nothing tethered

Just footloose

Delicate tendrils

Humming through my soul

My mind aware

Body relaxed

And my heart just resonates 

With the thrum

Of the string quartet

Playing it's delicate refrain

Content

An exquisite moment

Of bliss 

So fragile 

In an otherwise insane world

My lovely morning serenade

"Tell you one thing that ain't gonna change love- sun still rises even with the rain"

~Another Story

The Head and The Heart

This heart

This heart of mine...

It's not a half way heart

Like intoxicating wine

It seeks to consume 

Or be consumed

Not just a sip

It seeks to drown

It rushes

It rages

Like waves crashing down

In a stormy ocean

This heart of mine...

It's not a timid heart

Like a sledgehammer 

It pounds 

Deep and strong 

Inside my chest

Heating the blood

That runs in my veins

This heart of mine...

It's not a stoic heart

It explodes 

And breaks

Awake 

Alive

Pulsates with unchecked passion

This heart of mine...

Is a wandering heart

Always a traveler

Nomad in the wilderness

An explorer

But never a resident

It's not a fickle heart...

This heart of mine

But it is a wanderer

This heart 

A forever wanderer

Presence

"...land inside your feet and chances are that the rest of you will follow..."

pres·ence

   /ˈprɛzəns/ Show Spelled[prez-uhns] 

noun

1.

the state or fact of being present, as with others or in a place.

2.

attendance or company: Your presence is requested.

3.

immediate vicinity; proximity: in the presence of witnesses.

4.

the military or economic power of a country as reflected abroad by the stationing of its troops, sale of its goods, etc.: the American military presence in Europe; the Japanese presence in the U.S. consumer market.

5.

Chiefly British . the immediate personal vicinity of a great personage giving audience or reception: summoned to her presence.

----

As I sat by Sophie today, I pondered this elusive thing. Presence.

Chocolate brownies...

"People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime..."

Linda stated that to me-

She is a "lifetime" person. 

I wanted to make brownies today. I only cook for people I love... I wanted to make brownies for a person I wanted, desired to be a lifetime person. 

The universe had other plans. Brownies did not happen, but a lot of other things did. Anger happened. Awareness happened. Forgiveness happened. 

Gizmo

I looked closely 

And saw right through

The lie that he had built

A new world he did create

And even caste another 

To play the part of "me"

The same words

He spoke to her

The same names he used

That once he used for me

How strange the games that are played

The lies we tell ourselves

So deep we bury truths 

We believe the lies we tell

And so with some understanding

I walked away from the window

Of a past I visit often

I'm not quite sure why I still do...

Maybe someday soon I'll uncover

A lie I'm telling myself

It's either the world that's mad-

Or me....

I've yet to discover 

What truth there is to that 

The Unbreakable Heart

"You have to break your heart over and over until it becomes an Unbreakable Heart"

When your heart breaks, your soul can hear the sound...

When your heart breaks, fear tends to take root...

Carefully you construct the outer shell that will enclose your poor heart. Meticulously you discipline it, bit by bit, shut it down and lock it away- for safe keeping and alas, just like that your poor heart is put away, put aside- and there it sits untouched day after day, year after year.

Every so often it forces it's way out and at the first sign of a crack, and the twinge of emotion it's tucked away again for safe keeping-

"A heart cracking open to feel love, feels a lot like a heart breaking open..."

I lived a life

A safe life

A life without a heart

Because of a broken heart

That I tucked away

Once upon a time 

For safe keeping

It's funny I can't even remember

When I put it away

But today

With open heart

I wonder

How much of life I missed

With my poor heart

Locked away

I have been breaking my heart

For ages now

I no longer fear

Breaking

For I have learned from experience 

That I can sustain

A lot

There is a quiet

That settles in my soul now

A knowing

Of the power

Of love

Once all emotions have cycled through me,

All that remains is love

And love is...

It simply 

Is-

Before there was anything

There was love

Out of nothing 

Love brought everything

All you need is love

Love is all you need

And this is why

I have been breaking my heart

Because breaking my heart

Leads to an Unbreakable Heart

You can only know life

Through an Unbreakable Heart

Knowing leads to love

And love to knowing

Knowing about love 

Will lead you to love

And once you arrive at love

All things intersect

And then there is

Abundance

Because love is

Love simply

IS

Once

Once upon a time

I was a human 

I loved

I lived

I cared

I laughed 

I wept

I knew right from wrong

Once upon a time

There was a world

Of sunshine

Of kindness

Of caring

Of understanding 

Of helping 

Of being more than "me"

Once upon a time

There was truth

And faith

And hope

And trust

And knowing 

And giving

There was wisdom 

Once upon a time

I wished

To go back 

To give back

To be free

To know you

To know me

To go back to the goodness of ONCE

My city of love

Oddly enough 

There's no place on earth

That I think of as "home"

Not a spot or a corner

That feels like my own

I've wandered this earth

A nomad I am

And yet there's an ache

A longing inside 

For a place full of love 

A place where I smile

Oddly enough

When I think 

Of Peshawar 

It now feels like home

I feel tears in my eyes

And my heart starts to melt

I hear the sounds of laughter

Feel all the love in the air

The warmth of the people

Kind hearts everywhere

Oddly enough

Love and Peshawar 

Both sound the same

They called it the city of flowers

It's fragrance lingers still

The city of love

That's my name for it

In this world

I'm confused

I don't have a home

But if it's my heart that you seek 

It beats in Peshawar

That's where it stayed  

In my city of love

My heart made a home

...

Ek ehsaas reh Gaya hai...

Meray jootaun pay Peshawar ki gard aur mitti reh gayee hai

Sansoon may kuch shaheedon ki maon ki kushboo reh gayee hai

Kanon may pyaray bachon ki khikhilati hansi ki awaz reh gayi hai

Dil may un sab ki muhabbat aur chahat ka ehsas reh Gaya hai

Meri rooh bay ikhtiyar reh gayi hai

Ummeed reh gayee hai, aansoo reh gayay hain

Hawah may sakit- chand alfaaz reh gayay hain

Ek darwaza Meray laut nay Kay intizar may khula reh Gaya hai

Meray dil ki dharkan may

Peshawar Kay dil Kay dharaknay ki ahat reh gayi hai

Kuch yaadain reh gayee hain

Bay inteha pyaar reh Gaya hai

Peshawar Teri yaad reh gayi hai

Dil may ek ehsaas reh Gaya hai

Inside and outside

The price of fame

A life...

What they see

My outside

Who I am

My inside

2014

The year my heart was torn asunder

I tried without success to blog before the new year rolled in-

I could not. 

How can one begin to describe a year of heartbreak?

I lost myself in 2014.

Lost everything I ever was or thought I was

Every last bit of Shahnaz vaporized as I clawed at thin air trying to hold on to something, anything that would give me a sense of something solid.

The dissolution started with many things and culminated in the carnage of Gaza.

My heart has never known such agony. My soul was incinerated over and over until it was cleansed and only truth and awareness remained. 

I cannot remember who I was very clearly. I just know I am not that anymore...

I like the new me. It is a raw me. An organic state with nothing to hide. I am!

I taste a fierce passion raging like a storm in my soul and it heats my blood. I realize I am something wild. My pulse throbs in my ear with the sound of truth and I care not if I am the only one that utters it, I shall speak. And speak it loud.

Not much of anything has any value to me anymore- save love, and truth and right action with right heart. 

Everything else is just dust.

2014 was a year of reckoning. I was incinerated into dust and my essence purified. 

Face down on the ground I surrendered to Him that is my maker and He took me in and made me whole-