I sit here today and think my thought. I ponder over my loss. I almost knew what I wanted, and then life happened and I was tossed in a whirlwind. As I whipped around in circles, somehow I lost my focus.... along the way I was distracted- sometimes impatient, sometimes chasing after sparkle.
That is how I lost. And the sad part is that I only realized it was exactly what I wanted only after the loss. Do we always want what is out of reach? When it is ours for the having we set it aside. But did I ever have it. Could I have had it had I only asked? Was I the one supposed to ask? Could you not have asked? You did... sort of... Did I not want then? And when I did ask you did not want... And now here you are and here I am...
And all is lost.
"French Broad Dude Ranch"!!! To start of, I was tickled to death by the name of the place.... I mean how many people do you know who can say "French broad dude ranch" with a straight face. The broad notwithstanding, the idea of it being a dude ranch* (see footnote) at the same time led my mile long imagination on a VERY wild goose chase. There are far too many connotations and double innuendos that can be derived here.
My friend IQ (who is another master at the double entendre, like myself) and I, could've had a field day with this one.... but I am getting away from the main point.
The ranch is named after the "French Broad" river in Tennessee, (as I later learned while driving that a way) and has nothing whatsoever to do with a wench of French origins who capers around a ranch with her dude....or dudes.... (and I put my vivid imaginings to rest!) Speaking of "wenches" remind me and I'll add something to that particular thread in a little bit....
Now those of you who have had the privilege (or not) of travelling with me know the way I pack. You know the term "travel light"..... well that one doesn't exist in my travel vocabulary! And I have tried... believe me I have! (Let me put it this way... if I had to attend a wedding while on a trip, I am prepared!) I have gone down from three suitcases to only two (for a four day trip....) What?? One suitcase is for my shoes.... I mean gimme a break. Sheesh! A girl and her heels belong together.
But getting back to the point. I dress, well..... dressy. I like to be what one would call put together, as opposed to thrown together. Which calls for outfits. I have casual outfits... work outfits.... formal outfits and even workout outfits... ( I know... I know.... I need help!) I have been called prissy, well dressed and chic by intervals. Needless to say I own only two pairs of flat shoes. One is my pair of Botticelli ballerina flats, which I got in NYC, and the other is my beige and gold sneakers. Which BTW are not really "work out in" or "go hiking in" sneakers.... but just "look the part in" casual sneakers.
So a ranch trip demanded a shopping trip. Horses and western style riding... (I learned English style) that meant riding boots (Western cowboy kind and not the long, sleek, show ring style used in English) and a cowboy hat (instead of the riding helmet I am more accustomed to) I got riding gloves regardless of the fussy English, froo froo connotations. I will not get my hands grimy, dang it. Besides I have sweaty palms.... so it helps the err... grip!
Anyway... once my gigantic suitcase was packed (I decided that two suitcases raise eyebrows so now I go with one. Okay, it's a huge one... but when my friends tease me I can at least say I only took one bag... er... suitcase... er...) my daughter and I were off.
Being directionally challenged, I use my GPS system. My first mental panic alarm went off right after I made a turn in the general direction of the ranch (with 240 miles of uneventful driving behind me) and my sexy voiced GPS informed me that I was "entering unverified territory... please proceed with extreme caution". Yikes! The dirt road that split into two now posed a very serious problem for me. I love water so I proceeded to go with the left one that ran alongside the river. I went about half a mile, driving into increasingly more wooded brush and stopped. Next panic moment. I am lost. This is a one lane road.... forget lane. This is a dirt path barely wide enough for my car! Not to worry... take a deep breath.... you may be headed right.... call the ranch and double check... And double yikes!! Zero cell phone signal! Okay. Bless my parents for their excellent driving instruction. I am an excellent driver. I maneuvered that long, winding, very narrow- with the river a short fall away on one side dirt road and proceeded down the other road. This looked somewhat less menacing. So I followed it up to these railroad tracks. The sign said. "Stop. Look both ways. If no train approaching, cross". Hmmm.... no gates or anything. Just "look both ways". I can do that I thought. I crossed and lo and behold! There was a gate (a few planks nailed together) with a sign... "Ranch opens at 3pm". It was 3:30pm. Good. I drove through. Now the road split into three. Oh dear. I drove up half a mile one way.... backed out.... then half a mile the other way..... backed out then half a mile up the third..... And everywhere there were horses. And cows. But I saw no humans! Thank God it's not dark I thought! I would really be in some deep doo doo then. I think I stopped by one of the cabins. I banged on the door for a while. No one. Okay panic now.
Determined, I asked my daughter to eenie meenie mynie moe the roads (it's actually quite scientific... you know, process of elimination and probability and hogwash). She picked one and I started to drive. Almost a mile... no one. And then thank God! I saw Nadre! The angel Nadre. A Turkish exchange student working there for the summer. I stopped the car and pounced on her and hugged her. "Help me!" ( I think she chuckled....) She pointed out and gave directions and told me it would require backing out the mile I had driven... and then take that road..... "Oh please don't leave us here alone!" I blurted out in my shrill panicked voice. "You have to come with us and show me where to go"... You must not leave me alone".... I had been driving and backing for a good 30 minutes now and was quite understandably panicked! Oh heck... I'll admit it! I am a city gal! Dear, sweet Nadre now chuckled openly and good naturedly hopped in the front seat, squeezed between my Perrier sparkling water and Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses, and my laptop briefcase. We made it to the ranch!
It was a breathtaking lodge. Like something out of a western movie. I was thrilled. After checking in and releasing my panic of getting lost by telling everyone I encountered about my harrowing experience of being "lost" I finally lugged my, yes "HUGE" suitcase up the beautifully authentic (but in this particularly 'heavy-lugging' moment not so charming anymore...) stairs and proceeded to my room. I opened the door and instantly fell in love with my living quarters for the next few days. The furnishings were tastefully spare. A set of bunk beds built into the wall to the left. A log framed king size bed. An old fashioned sewing machine.... (my grandmother owned one just like it!) and on the walls were horse collars, and several antler trophies. Both my daughter and I gave a squeal of delight. We sat back in our rocking chairs and for a moment just took it all in. Then we got into our boots and cowboy hats and went exploring.
There was a dining room with family style seating.... a game room and lounge upstairs, and a gift shop downstairs which served fresh made milkshakes! Next to that was the wild-west style saloon complete with the swinging doors! It had a bar, and beautiful fireplace. More games and upstairs was the hotel and more rooms. Next to the saloon, at the lodge, was the hot tub! Sigh...... I think I died and went to heaven. Beyond that was the swimming pool, hitching post, corrals, pastures and beautiful views! Oh and horses..... lots of beautiful horses. The lodge was made entirely of timber, very authentic and beautifully decorated in an old west meets southern living meets very authentic cowboy/resort/grandmas home/real life ranch kinda way.....
In the dining room were carrots to feed to the horses. That is what we did next. And in a true city people, fresh out in the woods, touristy, wearing the getup... cowboy hat included, kind of way I took pictures. I proceeded to take half a roll of film of the horses. Of the horses and the carrots. Of the carrots. Of the horses eating the carrots. Of the carrots on the ground and the horses eating them off the ground.... :P
In retrospect I realize that the other guests Terri and Jenna (Joe was in the room), who had arrived earlier than us just sat and watched, amused, from the pool. They had probably taken their pictures earlier.... ;)
After I finished unpacking, I saw Amy and the girls, also guests, but arrived a couple of days ago walk right past the horses and drag themselves upstairs without even glancing at them.... hmmmmm I wondered....
Next came Connie and Chelsea... They proceeded to flit from room to room (much like me earlier... :P) and then they went to the horses and took photos! :)
The dinner bell rang (yes they had a dinner bell!) Very excited we gathered in the dining room and chattered like magpies introducing ourselves and getting the names and faces to match much like a game of match the picture.... after several tries we had the names and the families, the people and the names belonged to, right. There were 10 of us altogether.
Aside from us guests, the ranch was home to Shawn and JoAnne Gannon (owners) Bob Gannon (dad to Shawn) the Wranglers: Andy, Paul, Ryan, Sarah, Ashley and Mayan, and an assortment of wait and housekeeping staff and cooks. Then there were several dogs, of whom Cubby Bear is the only one you need to remember as he will come into the story later...
After dinner was orientation. Shawn (owner of the big red boots... to come up a little later) rang his bell and proceeded to call out the rules.
1. Meals were served at mealtime. 8:00- Breakfast, 12:30- Lunch, 6:00 dinner. No exceptions! (you no make mealtime...you no get fed. and there be no food to be had. only apples and oranges, and the horses' carrots.) (me not kidding) (seriously)
2. Towels were not to be used to remove make-up, mascara, lipstick! Or to clean boots. For that purpose there was a "boot towel".
3. Be truthful about your riding capability.
4. No outside liquor allowed.
5. Plans for activities would be announced at meal times. It would be helpful to be present.
6. No cell phones allowed in the dining room, saloon, near horses, in the game rooms, in the hotel..... pretty much anywhere there were other guests. That is for those whose phones still worked. (Interesting FYI... every one's but mine worked. Hmmm.... Verizon, can you hear me now? may have something to it... I have At&T). If they rang at these locations they would be confiscated (seriously) for the duration of the stay!
(Stay tuned for part II...)
Footnotes :
*dude ranch- The concept of a "dude ranch" is that it allows city folk or folk from the East (know in the west as, you got it "dudes"! a chance to experience life in the wild, wild west in a not so wild environment. It grew in popularity after WWI, and after Western movies romanticized the concept of ranch life. Several ranches have recovered from financial trouble by taking in paying guests and others have sprung up just as vacation destinations. Dude ranches give to their "dude" city/Eastern visitors a flavor of cowboy life as a paying guest.... Most of the time students work on these ranches as wranglers, wait staff, housekeepers etc.
It is interesting for me to realize how much we can influence our own selves... We believe we are powerless most of the time but it is quite the opposite that is true. We cannot change others but we can change ourselves....we can change how we will react to those out of control things, and in doing so we can actually change the world or "our" world at the very least.
This friend... (whose mirror broke), is someone very dear to my heart. After this incident occurred, my friend went from a place of certainty to complete chaos and confusion. But the point is that they did it all on their own, to themself, without any effort on my part. I was very annoyed at first, and hurt, and could not understand what had happened. We were estranged from each other, very painfully so, and it bewildered me that things could unravel so fast between us. And how a connection and a bond that seemed so strong could so easily come undone! I never understood...
Quite recently however, I psyched myself into a decision I had been avoiding making for several years. Very literally, I convinced myself of something, that in the past, I had analyzed and decided was not something I wanted to do. I did it all in less than a week! I was amazed at this blatant example of mind over matter. I had allowed myself to be convinced. I had cajoled and reasoned with myself until I came up with all the correct arguments to plead my case (to my own self).
After having convinced myself, I set out to act on my decision and pursue xyz. Alas! I failed... miserably. I took the plunge and fell flat on my face. It hurt. My pride was injured and I was thrown into the realm of confusion. What I could not fathom was the sense of loss. Why did I feel that way. I had, after all, taken several days to convince myself to want xyz. Therefore the failure to actually attain xyz should not affect me this much. It nonetheless did. I was perplexed.
Like anything that intimidates me, however, I decided to conquer and tame this beast too! I decided to experiment. If convincing myself that xyz was what I wanted and should have, took a few days.... the recovering over the failure of actually attaining xyz should take equal (if not less) time! I got to work and started unwanting xyz. Would you believe it it worked!
I was devasted one night and then got up in the morning and literally "thought" myself out of my connundrum and presto! It was done. I was fine. Unaffected. Slightly changed (normal wear and tear you see....) but overall fine. It was incredible. I was impressed. Very much so, especially with myself... It was a classic case of "mind over matter"....
Regarding my friend (with the broken mirror) it was the same. They were very fond of me. Then something happened which they completely blew out of proportion and convinced themselves to think a certain way. But that certain way was not necessarily the actual true to life way.... and so they ended up hurting themselves, bewildering me, and creating a "royal mess" of our relationship and things in general! But it all happened because they allowed it to happen, in their mind. Their mirror broke... not because I smashed it, but because they told themself that I did...
They did try (very hard) later on, to recapture what was lost between us. To this day they bounce back and forth unsure. Not quite ready to be here and yet not quite ready to let go. Sort of like Al Pacino said in "Scent of a woman" "did you ever get a feeling that you wanted to go and yet get a feeling that you wanted to stay..."
I now realize why what happened did happen. Why a mirror smashed. Why the peices of that mirror linger still. Why that mirror is put back together.... time and time again.... only to fall apart yet once more.... It is because the cracks still remain. It is because the reflection in it is blurred because of the cracks. It is because life is like a mirror. We think we live in life.... yet the truth is that life lives in us... inside our heads.... inside our perception of it.
Like Plato's cave, what we think is life is merely a reflection of life.... as if in a mirror.... it is merely "our" perception of life....in "our" mirror.... as we see it.... or choose to see it....
I now realize that we create our own heaven and our own hell....
I now realize that we are capable of making ourselves ecstatically happy or unbearably miserable... We are the ones who are responsible. Should we choose to, we can completely alter our life simply by altering they way we think about it. All it takes is the will to do so... and we can think our way into whatever frame of mind we want.
Like a neurologist friend once said to me your real heart lies in your brain! Go on... think your way into what you want. Make your life happier. Make it less complicated. Make it what you want it to be....
Make it mind over matter.
Au Revoir Folks! Until next time...
Ever heard the song "peera ho..." by Khalid Anum?
It has the most incredibly haunting melody to it. I was completely entranced by the tune and the lyrics from the first moment I heard it some ten or so years ago. I have no idea what the lyrics mean. They are, I believe, sung in punjabi.
Remarkably, I understand the song. I'm not quite sure how, though. It is almost as if the concept and the melody transcend language itself. Like a communion of souls in which no language is necessary or relevant.
To me the song is about God. The finding of Him quite unexpectedly. It is not about religion, though. It transcends the pettiness of religion itself.
It is a song about a race to own and conquer the world. And when you have done that, it is still all meaningless. You are still unfulfilled, still lost, still unhappy... Despite all you have, and all you have achieved you still have nothing at all. It is a song about a struggle to find inner peace. A quest for belonging. A search for the self. It is about an elevated plane of understanding, where your link to the supreme being is actually about knowing yourself. And in knowing yourself you know Him. Once you have known Him, you cease to be. All ceases to be. Then there is just Him. The love for Him. The search for Him....
At this plane of existence one has no earthly desire or understanding left. There is no recognition of child or parent, love or loss, food or cold. There is merely a sense of urgency. A frenzy. A trance in which one is in ultimate communion with the One. Your living, breathing moments weld into one everlasting second of existence. Momentary and endless at the same time. There is nothing of value left to tempt you in this world. You exist simply to praise and exalt Him. You "are" simply so you can "know" Him.
The malangs* I feel, exist on such a plane mentally. They have ceased to live for this world. They are beyond what the common man may understand. They have found peace. They have found God...
*( a dervish of sorts.... someone who has left worldly pleasures for God)
Windows to our soul? They speak a language all their own....and give away more than we would like them to. Often they bare to the world what we would like to keep hidden. They are, however, one of the first things I notice in a person.
What struck me as odd was how calmly people went about their own business without even blinking as if nothing was amiss in the picture I painted walking down New York City streets in 2007 dressed in something that was representative of a era two centuries prior! I am a pretty extroverted person and when I glance at someone I seldom avert my eyes and definitely make eye contact, however brief. It was interesting for me therefore, to see no curiosity in the gazes that met mine. I tried to imagine how I must appear to them...
All of the above would warrant a change in expression, however subtle. Some curiosity, a roll of the eyes even, or just a self conscious averting of the gaze to avoid making eye contact with the "crazy"... you know the normal human emotions and gestures at play in an unexpected or out of place situation. The strange thing is, in the seven hours that I was busy doing this shoot, only three or four people actually asked me what was going on. A few more actually complimented my get up, two took my picture using their cell phones (one of whom was in a car), and several just smiled at me. But the majority took it in stride! Like nothing whatsoever was amiss... And there were several hundred people on those streets in that seven hour period.
Now I don't know about you, and I may have been born in Uganda....but I have lived in the US for ten years now, and I must admit....I would have been very curious to try and find out what was going on. I would at least have gawked, with open curiosity! Being a psychologist and mental health professional in the making and a social psychology researcher at heart, I was in my element throughout the shoot just observing the completely unexpected reaction/or lack thereof, that was in evidence before me.
It got me thinking...have we Americans, as a society in general, been exposed to such a level of sensory stimuli on the whole that we have become jaded...desensitized even? It was a startling revelation. Sad even in a poignant sort of way.
What a loss. To lose the wonder and charm for the little things in life. To have no curiosity left. To be forever in search of a bigger high, a greater rush, than what is commonly accessible and available in daily life. It would explain why drugs are such a big problem...we are not easily excited anymore. A joint or two is needed to make us sit up and take notice. A "bump" here or there to make life more interesting...
I was relieved however, to see in the children, a sense of wonder still. They stared with a naked expression of awe, curiosity and amazement in their faces, followed by a self conscious and bashful embarrassment when I smiled at them. And the kids were the only ones to glance back over their shoulders as they walked away, as if to carry with them an image from a childhood of unadulterated wonder that would alas, not last for very long in this ever increasingly jaded and cynical time...
We talk...everyday in fact, and we also speak a lot, on various topics and about several events. How often do we however communicate? And how many of us know the art of connecting through speech or otherwise. A life lived without truly connecting and communicating with other humans is a life only skimmed through, like watching a movie in mute or watching it in fast forward motion.
