Sunday, December 20, 2009

Catch me now-

Flung out in the cold
Alone on the outside
Of a closed and locked door
Can anyone hear my anguish
Do my words make any sense
Am I invisible
If you stab my heart
Will it bleed
Am I alive
If kicked will I scream
If I say hold me now
Will someone catch me
Before I fall
Before I break
Before I shatter
A hollow shell
An empty soul
A broken heart
Hold me now
Catch me now
Before I break

Unheart Me-

Unheart me now
Unfeel the pain
Unlive the day
Undo the ache
Unme the soul
Unhope the expectation
Undesire the memories
Unhurt the break
Unsay the words
Unhang up the hang ups
Unfeel me now
Unfeel me now
Unfeel me NOW

Come numbness
Come embrace
Come unfeeling
Be with me now
Wash over me
Freeze me to the core
Unwarm my heart
Unfeel my soul
Turn me to stone
So I may hurt no more

Unheart me now
Unfeel it all
Undo me
Unravel my whole


It's not if I believe in love...if love believes in me

Oh believe in me-

At the moment of surrender
I folded to my knees

(U2- No line on the horizon...)

Thursday, December 17, 2009

holding on by a thread

picking up the pieces-
of a scattered life,
tossing in the tide,
staring in the mirror,
trying to find myself....
as i hold my breath
time seems that much longer
ache that beats me down
as i try to remember
this too shall pass-

when it breaks-

When a heart breaks
Who hears the crack?
When a world falls apart
Who sees the dust?
When it all goes to waste
What is left behind?
When the tears all run dry
When the phone drops from your hand
An hour after it went dead
And there is no peace to be had yet...
Because the smell still lingers
On and on and on
When no place is to be found
Because every place has a memory
A smell...
A smile...
A sound...
Where do you go?
Where do you sit?
When YOU are everywhere
There is no place to hide...
When YOU are everywhere
There is no peace inside...
When a heart breaks
There is silence
Only silence outside...

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


zindagi bay naam hi sahi
deewangi arzoo hi rahi
justuju bandi ki nakamyab si thi
phir bol meray aqa
kya yeh adhoori ruh qurban huwi?

Monday, December 14, 2009


A familiar ache sets in
Remembered faces flash past
Caught in real time
Yesterdays are relived
Sharp twinge
Catching breath
Failing heart
Hold on

Fallen tears
Echoed whispers
Dewey nights
Lost self
New found wonder
Broken strings
Shattered mirrors
Squandered time

Half remembered
All but forgotten
Sharp out of focus
Like yesterdays can be...

Sunday, December 6, 2009

How close am i?

I cried an ocean
On the inside
I cried for a child
The child within
I sat in remorse
I sat in awareness

How close am I?
How close to getting it all
How close to losing it all
How close am I?
To you...
To me...
To getting you?
To losing you...
To getting me?
To losing me...

When you have defeated yourself for so long
When you have waged a war on yourself
When you have seen
And recognized
And sabotaged
And learned
And unlearned
And stumbled
And bled
And got up
And walked on
And fallen again
And again

How close am i?

To changing

How long is an eternity
What is the measure of a lifetime
What is distance
What is loss
What is gain
Who am I
What am I
Who was I
Who am I to be?
When the being happens

Where are you
Who are you

How close
How far

Are you losing me
Or am I losing me
Am I losing you


Am I just lost?

At the moment of loss I am found
And yet in the finding I get lost...

How close am I to losing
How close am I to loss
How close am I?

Am I in love with loss
Is loss in love with me

Is loss a destination

How close am I?

hero of war

So a lot went through my mind last night when Rise Against sang this one-

Amidst the moshing crowd that went crazy when this one started- I stood in silent thought and pondered-

Conversations I had
With those who've been there
The misery

I waged mine when I returned
I waged and I raged
I surrendered
And I lost
I lashed out and won
BUT what lay in the balance
What was actually gambled
What was the worth
The win
The loss
The surrender

It mattered not...

What is the price of one aching heart?
What is the price of hurting the one that you love?
What is the price of the win?
What is the price of victory?
What is the price of words?
What is the price of a feeling?
What is the price of tears?
What is the price of grief?

What is the price of a human spirit?

Sometimes I just don't understand...
The world-


And truth be told

It is because
At the end of the day

That is the truth
This is my path
And I walk it alone

This is my war
I fight it alone

This is my truth
This is my life
And the truth is
I live it

Hero of war
I wage with my life
Hero of war
I wage with myself
Hero of war
So tired and worn
Hero of war
I fight alone

A hero of war
Has to fight
It out

Hero of War
Hero of war...

broken hearted

it aches
and breaks
and tears me apart

it rips
and shreds
and beats me down

i sit exposed
and cold

and wonder

did I go wrong?

the tears won't stop
the ache

my heart explodes
my spirit's low
i sit still

and try
just try
to breathe

as i whisper

dear heart
hold on
this too shall pass...

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


Sometimes when it happens it hurts a lot
The highs are high the lows just suck
You open up and give yoursef
You get it back
And then,
And then....
That's when it starts
The fear
The panic
The silly notion
I want you so much!
Do you want me back?
If I stand here
Will you stand with me
If I just sat
Would you sit with me
If I saw it all and dreamed
Would you care to dream with me....
Yes dear love-
I would....

Thing is-
You see
Sometimes when it happens
It hurts a lot
When it happens
LOVE hurts a lot!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

It's a love story...Part 1

So I came across this one recently-

Two lovers about to be parted
They poke and prod and suffer the distance
She says-
My friend is in Vermont too.
He visits from time to time.
He's an attorney...He graduated from Harvard Law

He says-
Oh? Why does he visit this country?
Does he work here?

She says-

He says-
Whay does he come?

She says-
He comes to fuck!

He says-

She says-
He comes to fuck- (and she snickers)

He says-
Who does he come to fuck?

She says-

He says-
Does he come to fuck you?

She says-
Well.... no

He says-
Did he come to fuck you? He used to right?

She says-

He says-
I don't want to hear it...(and he speeds up the car as she sees his eyes tear up in agony)

She says-
Please stop it...


But he can't.
He hurts.
She hurts.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

The Vultures-

They want what you have
They want the love that you get..
The love that you give
They want it all
To snatch it away
If they could
Destroy it if they can't

They sit with you
In hallowed halls
They smile and laugh
And act like friends
And all the while
They whisper deep
They whisper hard

In discontent
They sit amidst
The ruins of
Their own loss
And hurt
And pain
And grudge

Your bliss
Your joy
Your smiles
Your happiness
Your love...

The vultures
They thrive
On destruction
On rot
That they spread

Deep inside
They wish
They desire
They want
To have what is yours
What they have not


They want


And they can't
And so

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Missing you-

She read the words and smiled a little
She thought of him and dreamed a little
She saw his picture and felt her heart race
She dialed his number just to hear his voice

The memory of his smell
Lingered a little longer today
The comfort of his strong arms
Was missed today
The gentleness in his eyes
The soft whisper of his words
Those beautiful eyes
The self conscious smile
His "Hey you..."
The laughter
The silence
His presence
Were missed today...
All day today.

Pooh bear
You were missed today...

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Sunday, November 1, 2009


I SPEAK and the words don't seem right
I FEEL but it doesn't get across
I WANT and you can't see
I NEED but it is not conveyed
I TRY but it falls away

I feel
So stuck...

Lost in a place
Lost in a space
Lost inside
Lost all the way

Lost in you
Lost in me

Stuck in you
Stuck in me
Stuck in a place
Stuck in this space

One step forward
Two steps back

Frozen in place
Frozen in space

Like a tree rooted down
I try to walk
I cannot move

Tied down

Trying with all my might
To keep the rope from unraveling

Trying to keep life together
Like a fist full of matches
I am trying to bundle up
And yet
They keep falling


Do I get unstuck

Walk down the road
Into the plain
Take off the fear
Take off the past
Take off the distance
Take off the space that keeps us apart
Take off the pain
Take off the confusion
Take off everything

That stands in between
And stand before you

Let you see
Let you in
Let you have
Let you hold
Let you know...

You have all of me...

Friday, October 30, 2009

The games we play...

I play them
You play them
We all play games sometimes...

Have you ever been that person?
Who did it all time and time again
And right at that one point
Of closeness
Let it go
I have

And I did not want
To let it go
But I did

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


Sometimes in life
You love
And it all falls apart
And the innocence is lost
That way of loving gone
The heartache heals...
To scar and toughen
To guard and protect
The vulnerability
The freshness
The fearlessness
Of Untainted Love

You now begin
To doubt
To question
To hide
To fear
The giving
The accepting

And all the while
Around the bend
On the other side
A person waits
To hold your hand
To love you back
The way you do
It makes no sense
It simply is...

But how do you
Break down the walls
Let them in
Accept their love
Love them back
Show them how...
How much you love
How much they mean
How beautiful they are
How perfect to you

Where does one begin to tell
The bliss and joy
The wings they give
To make you fly

What would it take
To show them that
You find peace
In their embrace
Their touch can make
Your heartbeat race
A look from them
Is all it takes
To make your day

If you could
You would
Scoop them up
Carry them around
Inside your soul
To warm your heart
When it gets cold

How does one
Begin to state
Your smile is heaven
When it rests on me
Your voice so soothing
Lulls me to sleep
Every night
Even though
I miss your arms
Around me...
To hold me tight

If I could
I would
Show it all
Let you in
Give it all
But how
Shall I explain

How much I want
How much I fear
The want itself

How much I love
How much I fear
The love-

How much I need
Need you
-all the time
-all the while...

How much I flee
I run
I hide
From you
From me
From love
From US

What if...
You were not here
There was no WE
My heart would break!

I cannot see
A me
Without YOU-
You see...

And so I hold...
Hold back sometimes
Hide sometimes
Don't say sometimes...

The truth, however,
Is my dear




Monday, October 26, 2009


I sat in a church once
I had been fighting with a friend all night long
In the morning
We went out to breakfast
And after we went a searching
And ended up in a church
I sat and thought
What do I want
I have it
I have never been a content woman
I am content
And it is unfamiliar
They are unfamiliar
And yet
I found them
In laughter
And a high Five
Over conversation
Over a breakfast
Over holding hands
At the beach
During a walk
In eyes I love
In a face I adore
In arms that hold me close
In games that went unplayed
In honesty
In trust

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Reading between the lines...

"I never know what you want, you never say...
Why do I always have to be the one who says?"
Tell me you want me, you want this, how much I mean to you...

"Why there, Why now, Why not here?"
I want you here, come to me...

"You said, you did, you...."

w o r d s

Ever felt that a conversation was just a place, words were just taking up space and the meaning-

Was never even stated
It was lost
In translation
Jumbled up
Between the lines
Scrambled and obfuscated
By the fear
The emotion
Of the speaker
Of the listener

Ever had that conversation
Where all you were saying
And all the wrong words came out
And all the games were played
Because it was simpler
To play them
Than to say

Because there was a fear
Does he want what I want
If I jump will she jump

And so the words go on
And the games go on
Filling up time
Taking up space

And yet all the while
You both knew
At different times
Even at the same time
What YOU were doing...
What THEY were doing...
That you were merely


Not with the words that you spoke
But with all the words

The words...
Never stated

All the words...

Between the lines

I Love You
(Between the lines...)
I miss you
(Between the lines...)
I want YOU
(Between the lines...)

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

At the moment of surrender-

Where will you be?

...when awareness strikes
when the truth finally hits
when you are no longer blind
when clarity bites...

Where will you be?

...when realization happens
when the struggle is futile
when forces are stronger
when surrender is inevitable...

Where will you be?

...when confusion engulfs
when control is lost
when 'flow' is in effect
when you give in at last...

Where will you be?

That is the moment of surrender
That is where you will be
At the moment of surrender
That is where you will be

U2 are my favorite band.
Their words speak volumes to me...
This particular number shakes my very soul.
It is about an recognition, an awareness of reality/truth/inevitability...
You are faced at last with a vision
A vision of yourself
A mirror
That exposes
Your blind spots
And in that moment
And the surrender isn't the seeing
It is what you do after-
It is the recognition
The acceptance
The bowing down with grace
At the stark and biting truth-

Whatever that truth may be...

For me there are many truths
And the surrender happens
Many times
Many ways

Awareness hits

I am actually happy
I am content at last
And the reason it feels off
Is because it is unfamiliar...

Awareness hits

Sometimes I need to stop
Trying to live life on my terms
And simply live it
On "Life's" terms

Awareness hits

Why play games
Why jeaopardize
Why be afraid
Why NOT just live

I know my flaws
I know my games
And if I know
Why NOT just change

Awareness hits
And I ponder a while
Awareness hits
And I surrender...
At will

At the moment of surrender
I am in FLOW
I float along
And breathe real slow

I found myself in a situation this weekend... I was faced with a force stronger than mine. I resisted for a fraction of a second. I tried. I resisted. I realized- it was stronger. I would not win. It was futile. And immediately after. I gave in. I surrendered. And it was sweet. The surrender. My friend was surprised. But the thing is, in life we will be faced with forces that are in our control and those that are not. For those that are in our control... take over. For those that are not. Give over.

God grant me the strength
To change the things I can
And accept the things I can't
And the wisdom to know the difference

U2 sing about addiction
I work with addiction-
WHAT is your addiction?
I know what mine is...
Do you?
We all have an addiction
And we all seek to arrive at a place in our lives where we can finally be at peace with it. Recover from it...Learn how to let it go and yet be mindful that we are NEVER rid of it. We merely become aware of it, mindful of it.... so it does not control us anymore. On the contrary we take charge of it. We change ourselves because we cannot change "it". The surrender is the final awareness. Yes- I DO THIS TO MYSELF. It is the recognition. Because if we recognize what we do.... we actually have to DO something about it then... and that can be hard.

That is the moment of surrender-
That is what sits in the balance
Do we open our eyes
Do we stay blind...
Do we recognize
OR do we avert our eyes

Because if we do
Because when we do
We actually must
Do something about it...
And that is the surrender

"I was punching in the numbers at the ATM machine
I could see in the reflection
A face staring back at me
At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility"

Life is visible- But we must look to VISION- look beyond the obvious, look past the blatant, read between the lines, see the forest and not just the trees...

"My body’s now a begging bowl
That’s begging to get back, begging to get back
To my heart
To the rhythm of my soul
To the rhythm of my unconsciousness
To the rhythm that yearns
To be released from control"

We hide
We fight
We run
From ourselves
The surrender is giving in to ourselves...

"At the moment of surrender
I folded to my knees
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me"

Who are we?
Who are you?
Who am I?

"The stone was semi-precious
We were barely conscious "

What is it that we chase after
What really matters?

"It’s not if I believe in love
If love believes in me
Oh, believe in me"

Believe in YOU
That is what you seek all your life
The acceptance
It is from yourself
The craving
It is for yourself
The love
It is you
All is you
How can you be anywhere
With anyone
Do anything
If you cannot even

Is about a surrender-
To the inevitable
A surrender yourself...
as you are-who you are-what you are
Surrender is about an acceptance of yourself...
And in that moment of acceptance comes change...
The changing from
-who you are/were
-who you were meant to be...

Surrender to who you were meant to be-

Friday, October 9, 2009

No fairytale

Strip it all away
Lay it all to waste
You give it all
And yet
There is nothing left to show
Where did it go
When did it fade away
While all the while
You stand aside
And watch it slip away
Watch it slip away
You scream
Hold on for a while
You cry
Let it last
Just for another night
And so it goes
The story unfolds
As the hourglass
Rolls on by
Rolls on by...
Lost in the thought
Yet too confused to think
Should just have felt instead
Just let the feeling in
And all the while
He whispers in your head
Whispers in your head
And you run
Run another mile
Keep running on inside
Inside yourself
Until the story ends
Oh yes the story ends
And it's not a fairy tale
Oh no
No- it's not a fairy tale
Not this one
Not this time
And so the story ends
That's how this story ends
One more time
Oh yeah
Yet another time
That's how this story ends
Yet another time

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

At the moment of surrender-

My favorite song on their new album!

And this one is for my dear friend in Houston- who sprinted the three miles to the stadium with me, after I had abandoned my car on the highway after being stuck in ridiculous traffic for four hours and nearly in tears because I thought I would miss my fave band in concert--

Luckily for us we made it... with not a minute to spare.
Good friends
Good times
Great music

At the moment of surrender- U2

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Tonight's thought

The road of life-

People come
And people go
And the road of life
Is mine alone

Along I stumble
Sometimes I fall
There are times
That I Can actually run
But mostly
I walk--
I walk alone

I am here they say
But where?
Where are they?
This road is mine
And I walk alone

I have run
Until my breath is lost
I have skipped
And sighed
And cried
And fought
And now
I am fine
This road
Is mine
And I walk alone-

And it is not me
That aches
Or breaks
For I am past that
I have made my peace
And now
All that remains
Is the walk
And I walk
This road
And I walk

Sunday, September 20, 2009


And so it came and went this year
And I sat and saw it pass
I was with who I wanted to be with
And yet-
I missed my family
I missed my people
I missed my culture
I missed myself
I don't always like those things
Sometimes they are tedious
Odius and overbearing
Sometimes they are fake
And sometimes unnerving
But inspite of it all
Today I missed...
I missed them all

New loves and old...

Sat in thought and spoke a while
In the arms of my love last night
He asked a question
Stated a thought
And brought me to tears
And I shut my eyes
So he would not see
The inside private side of me

He continued to talk
And did not probe
He babbled away
And so it stood
Me in thought and he in talk
As I struggled
With loves past
As I dealt with pain anew

And after the moment
A little while later
I sat and talked with him a while
I confessed a little bit
I exposed a little bit
He saw some
And some he didn't
Some he understood
And some he didn't
But I spoke
And he listened
And so it stood-

He left today
A familiar ache
Sets in my heart
As I miss him
A little confusion
A little pain
A little loss
A little...
I don't even know
How to explain

Old loves- now friends
Called and we chatted a while
Of past moments
Old memories
So vague now
No feeling reclaimed
And thus I realized
New loves
Overshadow the old
Old aches linger

Everything is not
Perfect always...
But why not try
To open up
And give sometimes
Give 100% of you-
It may take time
May even be scary
But why not try
To open up
And love again
And let someone
Love you again...

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

His God and mine...

We spoke of God last night-
He and I
We spoke of wisdom
Life and religion
We challenged and we talked
We shared and we fought
To state
To hold on
To our God
Each of us
To hold on
To OUR God
I did what I do
Talked him off
Not let him have
A word in edgeways
And he listened
And he heard me
And when I was done
I said
Thank you
And he stated
That he knew
But I felt
At peace
I had MY GOD
And he had his...
The strange thing was
GOD was the same-

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

How it flashes past-

When you first get that phone call
It hardly makes any sense
All time ceases to be-
Every thought focused
On a single pinpoint
You hear the words
Then slowly
They register
A second later
Than the delivery
As if through
A crusted fog
You struggle to catch up
You mumble some words
Seeking clarification
All the while aware
Of the sting of tears
Brimming into your eyes
You fight them back
And attempt
To regain control
Regain thought
Regain awareness
Attempt understanding
You hang up
Forget to breath
Slump in the seat
Robotic movements
Make the next call
(How did you have the wisdom, the foresight to think of the next call?)
Don't know
You fight the tears in earnest now
Then resign and give in
You shed a few
You think some more
It makes no sense
And then
That face-

And through it all
One face
Lingers on and stays
One face
So sweet
Lingers and
You wonder
You are the one
I will miss the most
When I am gone
You are the one
Who will miss ME the most
When I am gone.

And then the tears flow in earnest

Drive down the road
A moment of respite
Shed a few more
Try and sort it through
It makes no sense

And then that face
That sweet sweet face
And then the tears flow in earnest

It does not seem fair...
And the tears flow in earnest

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

chain ek pal nahin aur koi hal nahi

judai yaar di--

aur ahista...

aaj phir kya mehfil saji hai- jo saawan agaya hain nazroon main phir

shayed unka aakhri ho yeh sitam---

shayed unka aakhri ho yeh sitam-
har sitam yeh soch kar ham seh gaye...

Truth- unfiltered

...just the plain and simple truth
do you realize how many ways we try to hide the fact that we are sad?

I do it-
All the time
I lie to the world
I lie to myself
So well in fact
That I convince myself!

I convince myself that I am not sad-
But where does that get me?
I end up at anxiety
Because the sadness does not go away
The hurt does not go away
The truth does not go away

All I get in return is confusion.

I have avoided facing myself
I have avoided facing my sadness
Because at a time it overwhelmed me
And I was afraid
That it would be unbearable
That I would crumble
Be lost and incapacitated
But I shall not
It will hurt
I will ache
But in the end
I shall be okay

I am sad today
Because I realized
I was hurt
Because I lost something, someone dear to me
I lost a love
And I tried To run
And I tried to hide
And I did
For a good long while
Until I ended up where I had started
Only this time I was bewildered
I had lied so well
I hid so well
Even I could not find myself

But I did find
And I did see
And I am sad
And I do hurt
And I did love
And I did lose
And it did hurt
And it does hurt still
And do I want it back?
But Do I still hurt
I still hurt
I still hurt

And yes I am sad
And yes I have run
And I do hide
And I make mistakes
And I am foolish
And I did falter
And I did call him
Because I want him?
Because I cared once
Because I loved once
And how was it

He was cold
He was indifferent
And that hurt!
And I felt foolish
Because I knew
That was how it would be
And still I called
I wanted to know
I wanted to see
If he could
Still hurt me
And he can
And he does
And so I hurt
And so I am sad

I am sad today...

Why did I call?
-because if I did
I could hide
The fact that I hurt
I would distract myself from the truth
I am a junkie like that-
If I called I might find
An answer
A reason
A justification
For all my pain

But there is no hiding
There is no answer
There is no reason
No justification

It simlpy is
What it is-

And it is that I am sad
And it is that I hurt

That is my truth- unfiltered
And in the knowing I am accepting
In the accepting
I am growing
In the growing there is peace
And in the peace there is closure

But for now...
But for today...
I am sad-
And that is the truth


It isn't something you can do with someone's help
It isn't something anyone can show you
Acceptance is a game of Solitaire

So here's to the beginning
Of the actual healing
Farewell to the anxiety
Of hiding from the facts
Here's to the knowledge
That hurt is still intact

I have a way of self defeating
I know it far too well
Even when I know better
I still don't know at all

I knew how it would go
I knew how it would end
I did it still
And laughed out loud

Iff Again...

I sat a while in Gandalf's office doing what it was I was doing and he stated what he stated and in the doing and the stating the truth emerged. A truth I faced reluctantly. A truth he showed me ever so simply, ever so gently, and as always ever so blatantly.

When all was said and done, awareness reached and self revealed, he asked me,
"Would you rather I don't?"
I replied, "No, John..."

And then there was peace.

"Do you realize that you look very different now?" he asked
"I realize that I feel very different now..." I replied.

"Anxiety is polluting your present", he stated. "In sadness you can look to the past and it will lead you to closure. Shahnaz, it is no crime to be human!"

And as I sat, moist eyed and silent. Aware and drained. At peace and in acceptance, he stated,

"I shall do you a favor and end it on this note so that you don't have to flit about like a flea on a griddle..."

I chuckled inspite of myself and stated,

"Yes, John- I have been flitting about like a flea on a griddle. Thank you so much. I sincerely am grateful for my hour a week with you."

And so the tired, knowing soul walked out into the sunshine- in acceptance of the sadness that it carried still...

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The old-The new- and Everything in between...

When your past overflows into your present, blurring the sharp edges that you have been striving to define...

When old people, places, thoughts and feelings, leak into the new and turn muddy, the waters that you have persevered to filter clear...

When you struggle with the question- Am I better off knowing or not knowing?

When there is an ache, and a frustration. A tug and a sigh... A thought and a heartbeat that leaves you feeling awry...

That is when you have entered the land of


You may exorcise old demons
But they will still rear up unexpectedly to remind you-
There is unfinished business still.

You may put the past to rest
Let it go-
But will it, can it
Put YOU to rest
Let YOU go?

There is a dull ache
From a now forgotten memory-
There is a sharp gasp
From a past experience now relived

There are lessons learned
That need "unlearning"
There are familiar fears
That need a new "seeing"
There are molds of "old" people
That should not be used
To size up "new" people

And yet there are lessons learned
And experiences had
That have defined
And have taught
And thus
Can one so easily
The wisdom acquired
From the past

How can a balance be found
To learn from the old
And experience the new
Without bias and prejudice
To take some and leave some
To remember
To forget
The old
The new
And everything in between...

The delicate balance
The exquisite wisdom
The poignant irony
The gracious awareness

That we are all
At some point in time
Caught in the midst of


Sunday, August 23, 2009


When the truth happens
Where will you be
When faced with self
Can you be it
I was faced
With truth today
Held by eyes
That saw through me
I could not hide
Was held captive
I did surrender
Poured out myself
And spoke my piece
And felt relief
I was accepted
How beautiful
To be yourself
To speak the truth
And be accepted
Just for you....

I sat in peace this day today
I was HAPPy all day today....

(Ramadan Kareem- May all of you have a blessed month!)

Friday, August 21, 2009

Awareness and Understanding

When confusion reigns supreme and awareness begins to come, but slowly... When those we had put on hold because we did not know any more are remembered, and haunt our memories uninvited and yet are allowed, to linger, to stay, to continue on enmeshed in our existence-

Can we then say:

"We have an understanding?"

There is a term in urdu "Bay ikhtyari"
And a lovely ghazal that goes like this

...ishq atish...
...ho yaar sannu lag gayi bay ikhtyari...

Kuch cheezain aisi hoti hain jin pay hammay koi ikhtyar nahi hota...
Wo bas hain....

Zindagi main kuch aaisay laug hain jin ki zindagi ki dor ham say milli huwi hai...
Jitna chahain un ko bhar main phenkna,
Phenk nahi patay ham...

There are those in life whose paths are enmeshed with us...
They run alongside sometimes, and then they merge and run as one...and then they tangent off for a little while and go off on their own, only to return and cross paths again...

These are people I know too well...
These are people I am connected to...
I don't know how...
I don't know why...
But here they are...
And here they'll stay.

They are those who have emerged far from the depths of the cave. And they stand now in the light and yet from time to time we all have our moments of confusion.

I wrote to him the other day and asked forgiveness if I had ever hurt him. This is a person I am connected to- Don't know how and don't know why...

I made my peace today in my soul with him today...

Sunday, August 16, 2009


Perfection is knowing all the things that make you imperfect and yet knowing that is who you are... and you are the most unique you that you will ever be.

The difficult part is embracing that perfection!

Moments that take your breath away-

In the midst of conversation a debate ensued-
In the midst of debate and torrid emotion, confusion, and internal conflict...
He uttered
"I know what you mean...but I don't think that..."
"You are one of the most beautiful girls I have ever known"
And it all fell into place-
Point of view
His point and mine

It is hard sometimes, to be you, to be true to who you are, and still have someone understand, and accept, and know, and yet not want to change... the you- that you are...

It is hard, but when you do,
It is even harder...
Because then you have to let your guard down and allow yourself to be you
Because then you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable
Because then you have to believe
Because then you have to live
And after only half-living for so long
You have to learn to live again
And living is hard to do
Because then you are opening up
To possibility
To happiness
Perhaps even loss
And hurt
Yes living- is hard to do...

And living is composed of moments that take your breath away...

Events, timing, memories and now

I was in love once...
And I made plans.
I planned a life with him.
I talked for hours and I thought for longer...
I planned events.
With him- and by myself, in my head
I planned to attend a friend's wedding with him.
And when we broke up
I cried an ocean.
I drove in search of him one night.
I chased a dream...
In vain-
And I was still defeated
At the end of it all.

When her wedding invitation showed up in the mail a month later, it felt like a brick wall had landed on me. I was reminded of that plan. I was reminded of him. And "him" was no longer there. I sat and looked at the invitation a long time. And I cried a long time. I wanted it all.
The fairytale...

Time went by.
Memories came and went.
And then new life
In unexpected places
In unknown ways
I was reborn
I was comforted
I was found
After being lost
I found myself
I wiped away my tears
And I walked on...

And then that day came
Her wedding day
And I got dressed up
And I went
And attended
The event
I had planned
To attend with him...
I went alone
I had a ball
I smiled
I laughed
I learned

This picture was taken right after her mehndi- I stand in front of a painting that I had painted, to represent our love... I am laughing and my eyes are closed. I am blissfully happy and content with me and where I am. I look like the face in my painting. The painting hangs in my bedroom.

It is a beautiful painting. I realized I loved the painting still. It represents not "our" love, but "my" love. It represents my hope to be loved back that same way. That is "my" face in the painting. That is "my" love in the painting. That is "my" dream. That is "my" lovesong. And one day I will find the person who can sing it in "my" heart and hear it in his...

Life is a series of events, timing, memories and now.
And I love my now.
I cherish the events.
I wait for the timing...
I treasure my memories.
But I live for now.

I changed the title of this one from "lovesong" to
"MY" lovesong-

Lost- And found...

Remembering is reversing...

"If in moving through your life you find yourself lost, go back to the last place where you knew who you were and what you were doing, and start from there..."

(Bernice Johnson Reagon- Sweet Honey in the Rock)

I was at a conference yesterday all day... and while learning was jolted into awareness by this one.

It spoke to me. It made sense to me. It was a gift to me-

I have been lost and seeking a long time and unknowingly I had stumbled upon this wisdom, but it had not reached awareness, not that is, until i saw these words... And now I am aware. I am there.

I am remembering.
I am reversing.
I am seeking.
I am finding.
I am reaching...

The place
Where I am meant to be.

It is a mellow place I am in at the present.
I love it.
I cherish it.
I enjoy it.
I live in it.

I heard this one yesterday, when I asked someone special to tell me their favorite song...
It left me speechless
It left me breathless
It made an impact

Because the song is beautiful
It speaks.
And it showed me a side of this person I had merely caught glimpses of...

Sometimes the simplest things about a person are the most significant.
I live for the simple things...
They mean the most to me.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Pooh Bear

Ever known a human who had NOISE inside their head?
The whirling, churning, deafening sound of thoughts that were always cooking up in that little space-
Well that is me!

I have a noisy head.
I think ALL the time.
And I don't intend it...
It just is-

My favorite moments, however, are those in which I have a quiet mind.
Those blissful seconds during which I am at peace.
At peace.

I get to that place from time to time on my own...
Jump out of a plane at 18000 feet- 90 seconds of free fall and three and a half minutes of drifting through air will afford me 5 minutes of that feeling.

Riding a prize stallion over a jump course demands concentration- and yes, that too will afford me a few moments of silent bliss. On occasion painting will get me there...

And then there are those people- in whose presence- there is a "feeling" of peaceful silence, stillness, contentment.

I love being around those people.
They give me peace-
My mind is silent in their company.
I am free.
I am me.
With them....

A walk on the beach...
Dancing as the sun sets and the band plays and the waves break on the shore.
Lying down in the sun as the little whirling pin-wheel brings back memories of music videos and embarrassing "lost" moments while you laugh non-stop...
Goofy Russian accents!
That come to life at airports...
Climbing up walls.
Holding hands.
Saturday afternoons.


Those are Pooh Bear moments-
Warm Fuzzy
Puddle of Goo moments!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

How long??

And so I sat in his office
A little late
A little lost
A lot confused
And somewhat found
And it came up
Yet again
The old hurt
The same old pain

It caught me off guard
And I teared up
As I struggled to hold it all back
And yet let go--

How long?
How long...

Shall the old pain last
The old ache-
And Break
And take
My breath away???

How long?

Shall the heart seek approval
Unconditional love

How long?
How long...

I asked
Out loud
In silence
In thought
In words

How long?
How long...

And even as I asked
I knew-
As long
As it takes...

I shall sit with it
I shall BE with it
I shall feel it
I shall grieve it
I shall give it
All that it takes

All that it takes...
As long as it takes
Whatever it takes
And then
One day
I shall be free of it

That is how long
I shall take
How far
I shall go
How high
I shall soar

One day-
After all
I shall be healed
I shall be whole
I shall be free
Of it all

How long?
As long
As it takes

As long as it takes...

Healing circle-

I sat in a circle---
In a healing circle this day.

I was in the midst of peace and turmoil---
In a healing circle this day.

I felt my heart ache and break---
In a healing circle this day.

I shed a tear, maybe two or three---
In a healing circle this day.

I heard a man speak,
I saw a woman cry,
I felt a heart crack,
In a healing circle this day.

I was silent.
I was uplifted.
I was a part...
A part of-
A healing circle this day...

There was a sound
Of loss
Of anger
Of hurt

There was a scream
Of anguish
Of misery
Of pain

A silent scream...

There was fog
So deep and so thick
That numbness engulfed
And yet

Despite it all
There was courage
Sacred souls
Lost souls
Struggling souls


In a healing circle- this day...

It was a joy
It was an honor
It was a gift

To be a part of...
The healing circle this day...

The blessing and the peace
The comfort and the grace
Of the healing circle
The healing circle this day---


Nadeem commented-

Give MArks to Shahnaz,
My marks are infront of each head

Nakhre - (2/10)

Aawaz- (8/10)( I like pushto
awaz in ABC)

Chalaki - (Not Applicable for me
as i dont know)

Khobsorti- (10/10)

Aadat- (Not Applicable as i dont
(Know habits)

Smile- (5/10)

Dosti- (zero/10)

Style- (9/10)

Bharosa- ( Not applicable, i
havent tested)

**** Please mark with integrity on basis of honesty and facts, and buttering waghera nahi chalay gi........

tc guys n gilz

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Black & White!

A friend of mine did this for me...
I love it- Thanks Rizwan--

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Tera mera rishta purana-

I had a friend once send me this song because he said it symbolized our friendship-- I heard it only once. I recently "borrowed" (read stole...) some CDs from a pal and heard it again on one of them. It took me quite by surprise and I was reminded of him instantly when the song came on while I sat in my office puttering away at afternoon tasks-

Here it is

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

It's a new me--

It starting to happen-

The new me is starting to evolve, blossom, sprout... and it feels great! There is the old me still, and there is also this new me... a seasoned, more mellow me. I am not there yet, but what I am is a good thing. I am pleased with it. There is blurryness still. And I am okay with it! That is NEW for me- and still- I love every minute of it.

The discovery.
The journey.
The search.
The finding.
The learning.
The growth.
The awareness.
The stumbles.
The moving on despite it all....

Yes, it is a good me.

I am pleased with it.

Today I am content.
Today I am at peace.
Today I am blissful.
Today I am happy.

Today I have it all-

Today this is me



This was my favorite piece at an art gallery in Houston...
And all I wanted when I saw it- was this- for me...
All I have ever wanted, ever... was this- for me.


And is me...

And it is a good day.
It is a great day.
It is an awesome day...
And I'm

"FEELIN' GOOD"'s a new dawn, it's a new day, its a new life for me...

Saturday, July 11, 2009


veeran-e-sehra main kya talaash rahi

khud ko jo dhunda to aghosh may ja parhi

samadar ki gehrahi hun main

asmaan ki unchai hun main

jab samjha hi khud ko nahi

to talaash phir kya rahi


Friday, July 10, 2009

Life's terms-

It comes when you need it most
It is when the time is right
It happens when it will
And that is when you realize\\

Sometimes you gotta live-
Live life on life's terms-

It creeps unawares
It swoops down in waves
It sweeps you off your feet
And that is when you realize\\

There is a purpose-
A purpose to everything-

And that is when you realize\\

Life is-
Life is-

And you are life-
...and life's terms...
You gotta-
Live life on life's terms!

Free- At last...

And it happened, this very minute... I was set free, at last.

It has been coming for a while...I have been working at it, and sure enough, in little increments, in little steps the healing has come.. the wounds have filled in, the scars have smoothed over and a new day is here.

Ironically I just attempted to look at something that has been my last, guilty, self flagellation practice... and I knew there was a time limit on that practice, and just at the very moment it needed to happen, that too, came to an end. It is...

I am free at last.

I called it an exorcism- The ghosts of the past were evicted from my being, my heart, my soul, my memory... One moment I gazed at fireworks exploding in the sky, felt as if my inner being was exploding in unison. There was a beauty, bittersweet and poignant in that moment. I missed my kid who wasn't with me to watch them. I ached for all the losses and pains. I was reminded of that time last year... and the year before... the paths walked, the losses accrued, the strengths gained and the journey- how far I'd come and yet it felt like I was still at square one, all over again.

The memory of a beautiful Saturday morning and afternoon lay behind me....I felt a familiar ache... sharp and dull at the same time. I walked past the throngs. I came to a watering hole. I sat and talked a while. I played a game. I was called out. I saw. I heard. I learned. And then it happened.
Absolution- from the ache... from the pain....

It happened.
Conversation- honest and plain....

It happened.
Healing, laughter, joy, sunshine, sand, sea, surf...

A long walk. A lot of conversation. Laughter- lots of it, like I haven't had in ages. Carefreeness, eyes that see... Honesty...

Me just being me-
Simply, truly me-
And enjoyed for it-

On the drive back home, there was more conversation. Lessons were learned. There was conflict and there was healing. Friendships strengthened- new learning happened...I was many so many ways...

I met my mirror- faced it deep. We talked. We spoke. It smiled to see the growth within. I asked- is this a new me? And I think I heard it say- you're getting there...I felt it- I am getting there.

Days go by- Little bumps and thumps and yet I'm strong and I survive. There is laughter. There is life. There is joy. There is peace. I am back.

I am free at last-
And I feel this one from the heart
And I sang this one from the heart
And I danced this one from the heart

At last!!!!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Rose tinted spectacles-

I looked at the screen for what seemed like an eternity- and yet the writing would not come. Awareness came but the writing would not come. And so I sat content and at peace, with my awareness and my understanding at last.

Rituals are are important. Some sort of ceremony to mark the end of one chapter, otherwise the self rages within, in distress of unfinished business.

We wear rose tinted spectacles- our own customized ones, that we shape and form meticulously. We carefully layer untruths and rationalizations and exceptions that go against our very grain in order to create the perfect image of most anything in life that we choose to indulge in- irrespective of its benefit or lack thereof, for us...

The mind is a very powerful thing and human deception lethal, especially when that deception is directed towards our own selves. We are a cunning species. We have the unique, inherent capability to convince- through wiles, reasoning, selective evidence, and rationalizing; most anyone of anything! The fatal irony is that we fall victim to it ourselves. In my opinion that is the hubris of our times-

The fact that we can fool our own selves so completely that we believe our own lies!
And what a hubris!
It puts all Greek tragedy to shame.
Bring on Oedipus
Bring on Achilles
Bring on even Icarus
None can compare with the hubris of self deception.

An avid scholar of psychology, I have always researched human thinking and reasoning. What compels man to act the way he does. What drives our impulses. What forces are at play within the deep recesses of the intellect that so trap and entwine us into the many mental dilemmas and illnesses that abound since time immemorial?

I am reminded of Albert Bandura's research on Moral disengagement. In order to commit an act of immorality, a moral being must first disengage itself from the trappings of the mind that would prevent it from so doing. The mind must first be convinced, through rationale and reasoning and logic and evidence, why that act is important, valid, necessary- even inevitable.

It is so with me as well.

I am brought face to face today with my own lies told to my own self.

I sat this afternoon and looked through some images that, at first, caused a twinge of pain, a tightening of my chest, a quickening of my pulse... and I left them for a while only to return to them later. I looked again and there was a brief flicker of truth, a feeling of a glimpse of something as if through a deep and thick fog- a rosy fog, self created and nourished, by self deception.

I left the images again and gave myself room to wander in my head while my physical being tended to tasks, daily this and that, work and stuff that are almost second nature to me. But all the while something brewed, something steeped. The feeling lingered and marinated deep in the juices of momentary understanding, reality, truth....

I returned to them just a while back.... And looked close. Really close. I sat and kept very still in my mind. I reached deep into my thoughts and pulled off my rose tinted spectacles and there it was- at last...





Oh how I had deceived! Oh how I had painted over with beautiful rosy and brilliant colors...! How I had coated with warmth and nurtured with my very own blood and peace, sweat and soul- my own nemesis!

How I had created my own misery. How I had watered and tended to the poisonous garden that festered my very being with sadness, yearning, loss, torment...

And how, now.... as I looked on, it came so easy-



But there is no blame to go around. Least of all for myself. No blame whatsoever...

Things must take their course.

Time is the keeper.
Time is the seeker.
Time is the detergent that washes away everything-


No, there is no blame.
There is no shame.
There is nothing to fret about at all.

There is only the knowing that comes with time-

How else would I grow?
How else would I learn?
How else would I know?

The truths withing the lies.
The truths within the truths.
The truths of myself.
The truths of others.

How else would I be human?

If I did not falter?
If I did not fail?
If I did not stumble?

How else would I be human?

If I did not learn?
If I did not recover?
If I did not, in the end, rectify and move on...?

How else would I be human?
How else would I be me?

Monday, June 29, 2009

My office music these days---

Buddha Bar VI-

The Alkemyst

Slow Train- Naturally

Whatever Lola Wants

Touch And Go-Straight to Number One

Cantoma Essarai

Cellar 55- Por-do-Sol

Ryukyu Underground - Kanasando-Rebirth Remix

Ganga- Chair

Sunday, June 28, 2009


Life's journey... convoluted, complex, confusing, and yet so beautiful and precious. The concept of the labyrinth is a part of many spiritual traditions, said to be reflective of one's journey through life and time. As we grow, as we learn, as we hurt and as we heal we are in a constant state of movement toward becoming the self that we are meant to be- Arriving at a place we are destined for. But that is not to say that we do not have choices to make. Choices exist. And difficult ones at that. Sometimes we make the right ones...sometimes we make the wrong ones. And through the making we arrive at learning and growth. But between the choice, the making of it and the growth lies a vast chasm- of awareness, pain, glory, acceptance. That is the labyrinth.

At the center lies the awareness. We finally become aware of the what, the which, and the who... That is the turning point and we must choose and we must decide. Beyond that lies the acceptance and the journey back to the beginning which is in fact the end or vice versa.

Labyrinths are often mistaken for mazes. A labyrinth is not a maze. It is not a puzzle. It is merely a path. A convoluted, often confusing path... but it only goes one way. Things are not always as they seem in a labyrinth. In fact things are not always as they seem in life. Yet metaphorically or not, the labyrinth is what we must decide to walk, IF we actively seek our destiny.

I watched Bowie's labyrinth when I was younger. I fell in love with the movie and with Bowie too... I have always had a weakness for musicians and bad boys and he epitomized both. I learned myself through that movie when I was a teen... I watched it tonight with my daughter--

We both watched and learned our own little lessons. She her 9 year old my 31 year old ones... It is fascinating how most complex life situations are in fact combinations of the simplest ones. I blundered through them all, in my head while watching Bowie's labyrinth, tripping up and stumbling along life's journey and arriving at truths and strengths heretofore untapped. I couldn't help but notice how Bowie's labyrinth has a lot in common with Pan's labyrinth (another one of my favorite movies by the way...) and in watching I learned... and in learning I became aware. Through awareness I accepted. Now comes the part where I turn around and walk back to the end which is in fact the beginning. Of a new life journey, a new story, a new horizon, a new me....

But self awareness is a lengthy process. It does not come fast and it does not come easy. As I had stated once before. There is the me I was... and the me I am to be... and in between is no man's land. And the no man's land is the journey. The no man's land is the labyrinth. The labyrinth is discovering and discovery means the me is blurry. For the moment at least, I am blurred. But I am a seeker and I am seeking and yes... oh yes... I am finding...

It comes slowly but it comes.

And lastly...
And a quiet mind and spirit.

That is my mecca.
That is my destination.
I have been there before.
I shall find it again.

It comes in little spurts.
It may not last long.
But every time it lasts a little longer.

And the is the best part...because that is where life happens.

Happiness is not a destination. It is merely the surprise along the way... And it happens when you least expect it- as long as you are open to it. As long as you don't expect to hold on too tight, or too long... Happiness happens everyday...

And even as the world falls down (as it often does- so many times in a single lifetime) As the pain sweeps through...makes no sense for you- Every thrill has gone...And even though my heart has been such a fooled heart...And even as the world falls down...

I will stand again, I will live again, I will love again- One day...

There's such a sad love
Deep in your eyes, a kind of pale jewel
Open and closed within your eyes
I'll place the sky within your eyes

There's such a fooled heart
Beating so fast in search of new dreams
A love that will last within your heart
I'll place the moon within your heart

As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gone
Wasn't too much fun at all
But I'll be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down
(As the world) Falling down
Falling in love

I'll paint you mornings of gold
I'll spin you Valentine evenings
Though we're strangers till now
We're choosing the path between the stars
I'll lay my love between the stars

As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gone
Wasn't too much fun at all
But I'll be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down
(As the world falls)
As the world falls down
Falling in love
As the world falls down
Falling in love
As the world falls down
Makes no sense at all
Makes no sense to fall
As the world falls down
Falling in love
As the world falls down
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love

Friday, June 26, 2009

What and which and who-

How can you get very far if you don't know who you are?
How can you do what you ought if you don't know what you have got?
And if you don't know which to do
Of all the things in front of you
Then what you will have when you are through
Is just a mess without a clue
Of all the best that can come true
If you know what and which and who

That's it, he said leaning back and closing his eyes.

(A.A. Milne- The World of Pooh)
(My favorite bear of all time and my first book...)

Meaning of life

Laugh- a lot...
Live- like there is no tomorrow...
Love- with every fiber of your being...
Give- of yourself everyday...
Forgive- everyone...
Forget- all the bad...
Learn- from everyone and everything...
Enjoy- the simple things...

And last but not least find something to be grateful for everyday-

(oh! and read life a la shahnaz regularly to add more meaning to your days :P)


Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Love n Liberte

Actually this is one of my favorite ones from Gypsy Kings! I love them BTW-

I actually danced to this one night after dinner, under the stars, on a weekend trip in the mountains-


Autobiography in 5 short chapters-Portia Nelson


I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.


I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.


I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.


I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.


I walk down another street.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

mar jawan-


Paper Roses
A painting in pain
A walk in a park
Where I found my solace
A smile at a wedding
That hid the fact
The man I love
Is married today...
A reflection in a window
And I burst into tears
As I realized that
There never was
Up for view
A picture of you
Of me with you
A captured moment
A victory of mine
By a lost love of mine
All put together
By a man
Who loved me then
And loves me still
And yet
He loves in vain....
As I love in vain...
For love such as this
Is ever
And yet there is
My treasured angel
And I sob some more in vain
As I ponder
Yet again
The irony
The irony
Of life
My life
Of love
My love
In vain...

For we exist
But to make sport
For the gods
Who toy with us

How aptly named
How a fragrance
Can linger still
How can aroma
Last until
Forever and ever
Has come and gone
And yet your scent
Can linger still...

You know what I mean...
You know what I mean...

Aye dil---

Yup I'm in an old song state of mind...


I never thought I'd be one who could relate to the achy breaky heart feeling of these old melodies...

The poetry is beautiful and the sentiments too tender and situations too unfair...

When younger, I would sit with my elders and soak up the melodies as they listened to these... every now and then I 'd catch a moist eye and a look that spoke of a memory that still haunted... I see knowing glances exchanged as a heartbroken soul recognized another and yet I never actually "felt" the music...

Never until today-

I listened to a Lata-Mukesh CD today and felt...sigh... felt the music...

mera kuch sa'maan....

woh waday
woh yadain
woh batain
woh ratain

kaisay bhulayain
kaisay lutain
kaisay sulain

woh yadain
woh waday
woh ankhen

kaisay sulain
woh ankhen
kartee hai
jo talaash

kaisay lutain
woh samaan tumhain...?

kaisay jorain
bikhray khud
ko hum?

woh hissa khud ka
jo tumharay paas reh gaya
kaisay waapis
wusul karain hum?

Thursday, June 18, 2009

New Found Friends...

"I pray that you always keep climbing no matter how steep the slope gets...."

A new bloggie mate is a joy forever!
That has ever been my philosophy...
See my bloggie mates seek me out because they can relate to my writing...
I write what I feel and think and they read and understand.

There is a very delicate balance of understanding, awareness, mutual respect, gratitude, a sharing of thoughts and ideas that occurs with my bloggie mates. That is the joy of blogging. Finding those gems of people, heretofore strangers, who become so close simply because they can understand and relate.

I have found many kindred souls through the blogosphere. And they have become very good friends. They give me gifts from time to time. Priceless treasures that mean more than I can ever express. I don't like worldly things as gifts.... They give me no happiness.

But these little nuggets of pure kindness- they are simply priceless.

"I pray that you always keep climbing no matter how steep the slope gets...."

Now this, this is truly a gift for a lifetime!


Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Feelings are like baby birds--

The hardest thing for me these days is sitting with my feelings... They overwhelm at times-

I knew I was someone who had shut off my feelings and I have been aware of that for a long time...It isn't a good thing, turning off feelings but in my case it has been a defense mechanism. If I had felt, I would be be flooded with it all and some days the all is too much to bear... and yet it comes- that day of comes...and since I no longer fight and hold back my feeling...

For me one such day was today-

The hardest thing I ever did in life was tell my child that her dad and I would no longer be together- her pain was crippling to watch. It ripped my heart to shreds. I still remember her face and the way her little body tightened up in despair. That memory is forever etched in my soul...

My little one spends half her summer with her father, and it is a difficult time for me- to be without my angel...

She came to visit today- and we went out to dinner at Ruby Tuesday... The chef there prepares a special pasta for us, the sonora chicken pasta! It is no longer on their menu but it is a fabulous dish and we request it, in a charming manner, and he always obliges. We have our raspberry teas. We have our spinach and artichoke dip. To end we have their cheesecake with the raspberry topping. It is a jolly old time...

I enjoy watching my little ray of sunshine. I love seeing her grow and bloom into a bright and talented young lady. She never ceases to amaze me with her wit, her intelligence, her charm and charisma...


Today at dinner she was doodling on the kids menu, and I looked on, amazed as she answered a quiz. The question asked, "what kind of music was the electric guitar first used for?" Truth be told I was ignorant of the answer... and I cheated and glanced at the back of the menu when Bubba was not looking...and then watched amazed as my pride and joy, thought for a second and with a flourish wrote down "jazz"! It was the right answer...

"Every summer I get a fluttery feeling mommy..."

"tell me about this fluttery feeling"

"It is a feeling that I know I am going to be missing my mommy and my daddy when I am here or there and I get it everyday only sometimes I forget it when I am having fun but then it usually comes back in the evenings..."

"It is hard I know....I understand..."

She will be flying to NYC for Father's day with her dad and step mom. She is very excited about cling up the statue of liberty and seeing Mary Poppins on Broadway... This is all the gossip we share over the Bratz movie we are watching while cuddling on the couch. It is a happy time. I love the smell of her and at the same instant I am thinking this...she says,

"I missed your smell mommy!"

I hug her close...

She talks nonstop, my little duckie. She started babbling and talking at 9 months and has not stopped since. Whenever I mutter about it under my breath, she retorts with,

"Well can you blame me... I get it from you!"

And in all honesty, that leaves me dumbstruck because the gift of gab, she does indeed get from me!

She is talking about stuff and her wish and desire is to be a vet. She tells me,

" I was telling my daddy and step mom that I want to be a vet so bad but I am sometimes scared that I will fail and become a janitor!"

And she pauses for a second...

"You didn't laugh mommy...daddy and step mom thought it was funny and it made them laugh..."

I say,

"Baby, the way you said it is funny but I know you can achieve whatever you decide to do. I did not laugh because I know you will not fail at what you set out to do. I know how talented and accomplished and smart you are."

"How do you know mommy?"

"How did you know the answer to that question about the jazz music and electric guitar?"

"Well I know what an electric guitar sounds like and I listen to jazz music with you so I figured it out!"

"That is how I know baby... you know how to put information together and figure things out! I did not know the answer to that... but YOU did! I think that is awesome..."

"You know who else would think it is awesome mommy?"

And my heart sinks and I hold my breath and count to ten...

"--- would think it is awesome too! You should call and tell him!"

I am silent. Speechless... as I debate a very difficult choice... and at last I say...

"--- and I do not talk a lot these days. We are not as good friends as we used to be..."

"Did you two break up your friendship?"

I am speechless again... I take a deep breath....

"Yes we did."

And I watch her little face illuminated by the nightlight and look on helplessly as it crumples up and she starts to cry...

I pull her close and ask,

"Why are you crying baby?"

"I don't know.... my heart feels so sad all of a sudden..."

I am struggling with the spears and daggers that each tear of hers feels like to my own heart as I hold her close and comfort her, searching desperately for words the right words, saying little motherly prayers in my head for wisdom and strength and some divine guidance to come to me so I can help this little broken heart in my care....

I give her the spiel about how all feelings are okay and that sadness and tears are like the rain and after rain comes sunshine but I know I am faltering.... and so is she....

"Even though we are not going to be very great friends anymore, you can still be friends and talk like you two used to me what are you thinking..." I say...

"I am thinking what you two said to each other to stop being friends and breaking up..."

"Sometimes people just are not meant to be friends baby. And sometimes grownups can also realize that they are not good friends..."

"like daddy and you?"

"Like daddy and me... isn't your daddy happy with step mom?"


"well he was not very happy when he was with me and I was not very happy...if daddy had stayed with me he would never have been happy...but because he left, he can be happy with someone else and that makes him a happy daddy and happy daddies make BETTER daddies right?"


"so it is okay for people to leave when they are not happy somewhere because then they can be happy somewhere else..."

"Will --- still want to talk to me even though I come from you and you two are not friends... will he still like me even though he does not like you anymore?"

More darts to my heart.... where does my little sweetheart get her thoughts and ideas and how much does her little heart feel and that sweet little head think, I wonder in anguish....

"Yes, baby, because people like you for who YOU are not who I am...."

"Can a grown up ever want to be friends with a kid?"

I am reminded of my own past... I am reminded of my own childhood struggles and confusions and I want soooooo desperately to help and protect my kid from the hurts of the world and I know I have to let her experience life on her own.... but that is a hard lesson to learn, for me! She faces so many challenges. She deals with the loss of her family... and it all hits home for me- hits home HARD!

"My head hurts mommy... it feels tight and there is a tension in there..."

"Speak to me baby, tell me how it feels"

"I cannot make the words come out. I cannot make them come out. I want to but the feeling is stuck and I am keeping it in and I cannot make it come out"...

My heart screams in pain for my kid now and I utter another prayer for wisdom and then it comes... the wisdom...

Feelings are like baby birds:-

"Feelings are like baby birds... meri jaan...they are all the little baby bird you cannot fight them... you just have to hold them...gently...kindly... like little baby cannot fight them..."

"The baby bird kept fighting me..."

"yes but you did not fight it did you? You held it gently...close to you...and what did you say?"

"I did hold it gently and not fight it...what a nice way to make me think of my feelings...I said it is okay...I am here...I will not leave you...I will take care of you...It is okay..."

"Your feelings are like that baby...hold them close...take care of them...they are will be okay..."

"Hold me close Mommy"

"I'll hold you close, and you hold your baby birds close, and your baby birds hold all your feelings close..."

"What a nice way to think about my feelings mommy...I feel so happy and peaceful instead of sad..."

"yes baby, when you accept your feelings... there is peace...and peace is better than fighting the feelings... you should hold your fluttery feeling like a baby bird too..."

"I want --- to call me regularly and for us to talk like we used to, you know when he would call randomly and make me laugh..... he gave me really big laughs... he was a good friend and I liked him..."

"I'll call and ask him to call you when you want to talk you want to talk now?"

"No... I feel tired and all funny..."

I hold her close until she falls asleep, and then I leave her room and fall apart...

If my heart were a jazz guitar today, my heartstrings are broken...

The hardest thing for me these days is sitting with my feelings... They overwhelm at times-