I spent last night in tears. I cried because I hurt. I hurt because I am in the midst of letting go of a love that has been very precious to me. I loved a man. Completely. Realy and truly LOVED him. He was it for me. And now he is gone.
I cried last night because of my loss and because I am trying to grasp at some semblance of understanding. I cried also because yesterday I had read through some electronic conversations we shared while we were dating. I have deleted most every picture and communication that was accessible to me, because I did not want to see that anymore- it hurt too much. But every now and then I'll stumble upon some residual stuff that I missed. It makes me catch my breath because these communications and photographs paint an idyllic picture of us.
And as a couple, we were... as a family too- with my kid included we were idyllic. That is to say we were that way until we were not.... and there were many of those moments too.
You see, the thing with time is that it erases the memory of the bad and retains only the good. At least the good ones are the only immediately accessible memories. The ego defenses take care of all the rest and are not that easily accessible.
When I read these communications and when I see these pictures... I am wracked by a deep and profound sorrow- for that which could have been and is no more. For that which was so good and went bad but yet there is no understanding of WHY it went bad. There are questions- unanswered questions, so many of them.
I thought I was still in love with him and that is why I cried. This morning I read the messages once more and then deleted them and again there was sorrow.
I talked with a firend and he asked me why- why did we end?
"Because he lied..."
"So he gave you a reason to end things..."
And I thought- yes he did.
"Relationships are built on trust".
And I thought- yes they are, aren't they? You can't be with someone you can't trust...
So I asked him,
"Can you be in love with someone you can't trust?"
"I wouldn't call it love. Though we do get obsessed- unanswered questions, curiosities... those are the things that hook us"
And I immediately wondered aloud,
"So what I am mistaking for love is that- obsessions, curiosities, unanswered questions...
How can I get past this?"
His gentle reply,
Realizing that what happened, happened for a reason.
What was, was...
And what will be, will be..."
And I thought- que sera sera...
"That there is nothing you could have done differently
To make things better
That it was him...
That all he had to do was be honest with you...
But he wasn't..."
As it sank in-
And like rain on a parched desert fell his words on my tormented soul.
Such beautiful wisdom, such nurturing kindness.
Such a blessing.