Sunday, December 21, 2014

The path

I wept last night
I was in pain...
Face down 
I prayed 
To Him
Just tell me 
What to do-
Though I was scared
I had faith
He's got my back
I thought and then
I took my first step
And just like that 
My path appeared 
Such are His ways...

Saturday, December 20, 2014

War Machine

In a time of deep sorrow and loss
In a world gone mad
From a place of rage
Avenging heralds land
And lay to waste 
Several sons of man

I read
I see 
I watch
And silently behold
The carnage
The blood
And gore 

Not much difference do I see now
In what I once called 
Friend and foe
Each blind in the face of righteous might
Calls the other dog and snake and filth
And screams for blood and death

My heart is heavy
As I note
They act and talk and look the same
Dehumanize the other

My heart is heavy
My soul weary
And yet I can't be silent
And so I'll scream it with every last breath
IF WE ALL DEHUMANIZE
THERE WONT BE ANY HUMANS LEFT!

Yes the victim was a human
And the killer human too!
Yes the victim had a mother
And the murderer too...

There always is a ripple effect 
For both victim 
And perpetrator
Kill one
And humanity dies
Kill yet another and humanity dies
Killing can't bring them back!

Killing leads to only more killing
WHERE is the sense in that?

I was already grieving 
When the children died
And I'm sorry to offend 
But I really can not celebrate 
When their killer is dead
For...
I see no celebration 
In ANY kind of life unnaturally taken

Since I cannot dole out life
I dare not dole out death!

Some jobs are mine 
On this earth
But life and death...
I cannot pretend to interpret 
Were mine to give and take

I am not
And never will be
A part of this war machine

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

The last lullaby

In the darkest of hours

While mothers wept 

And mourned 

In a world 

Where they buried their babes

That fateful day-

Who shall speak?

And break the silence...


I heard the clamor 

In the town square

As they screamed for more death

To avenge those

Already dead...

And I wonder

How much blood to quench the thirst?

How much hate?

And how much more?


I lost count

Can't even keep score

You kill mine

I kill yours

Who then shall remain

To sing the lullaby

Who then shall remain

To hear the refrain

When all are quenched 

None remain

Alas

'Tis the last...

The last lullaby


#PeshawarAttack


All my beautiful children...

They brushed their teeth and got dressed
Bags packed and homework done
Bright eyes
And glorious smiles 
With feet that smelled like angels 
All my beautiful children...

Dreaming of great things to learn
Wishing upon a star
Sweet hearts
And soft hands
With voices like the sound of God's grace
All my beautiful children...

Swift the darkness did descend
Rattle of gunfire, smell of blood and then
Silence
And disarray
Like shattered pearls they lay
All my beautiful children...

#PeshawarAttack
December 16, 2014

(The black shoe is Bug's, when she was one.) (The bloody shoe belonged to another little bug and she could have been mine too.)

My heart is broken-




Sunday, December 7, 2014

Three drinks...

Over the first drink I shared
Authentically
No holds barred
The words spilled out
And I felt 
Connected
As did he

Over the second drink
In the mellow candlelight
We laughed
As the warm glow of the fire
Behind us sparked
Like the attraction
Between us
He bared his soul
And felt his burden
Lighten

Over the third drink
The tension built
And screamed for release 

On the way home
I stole a kiss
Outside
And another
Inside

And so we parted
Unfulfilled
And yet fulfilled
With a lingering promise
In the air

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Him...

I call him
The Big Guy in the sky
And he is good to me
So VERY good to me
...
When I realize
How gently 
He carries me through the storms 
Tears stream down my face
...
For everything in life
There is a time
And a place
And so He holds me close
...
He is-
He is my God
And I have no words
Just tears and gratitude
...
For He is good
So VERY good to me
And I am blessed
Beyond belief

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Destiny

It occurs to me how futile it is to fret
And pine and yearn in endless ways
For that which is most elusive 

What is to be
Will be
What is not will not


Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Midnight chats with Shah

"So how did you lose yourself?" He asked

I replied-

"I was unhappy...
Deeply sorrowful
So I did the unthinkable-
Fell into the pain and lost myself
The only thing I lost was my ego image
And all I gained was myself..."

Love flame

RED...
The color of my love
Fiery orange flaming
Not a timid simmer softly glowing
But a wildfire raging
Burn with me
Into nothingness

Friday, October 31, 2014

I am a fool

I am a drifter
I cannot
Accumulate
Items
Or money 
Tedious, dull
Things

I am a seeker
Searching
For truth
Something
Real
In this world
Of fake

I am a vessel
Housed within
Is my soul
My heart
And also my mind
Trying to align and 
Harmonize 

I am a novice
Learning
Forgetting
Mistaking
Blundering
And then doing it 
All over again

Some days
I am blind
Some days
I see
At times
I am a fool and sometimes
I am wise

I am blind
Drifting...
A novice 
In a vessel-
A fool
Seeking
Wisdom 

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Your heart won't let you forget

Why deny the truth of your heart?
Your heart won't let you forget
Why turn away from love
Reason won't make love end
All the turns and twists along the way
You think
You act
And yet
Your heart will bring you back
Why deny the truth of your heart...?
Your heart won't let you forget-

Monday, October 27, 2014

If they could they would-

"How could they see anything but the shadows if they were never allowed to move their heads?"
Plato- the allegory of the cave

I spoke with a soul today
He saw 
I shared
We conversed
And it was uplifting.

Of those who have not yet discovered
The journey into the self
How can one expect?
That was my wisdom for today...
If they could, they would-
And just like that comes an abundance of understanding and acceptsnce and patience.

Learning the art of existence
How to be in this world, but not of this world-

And many before me have spoken the same. The wisdom in the universe is one. Many arrive at it from different paths and at different times...


"It is the task of the enlightened not only to ascend to learning and to see the good but to be willing to descend again to those prisoners and to share their troubles and their honors, whether they are worth having or not. And this they must do, even with the prospect of death." Plato- the allegory of the cave

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Life and meaning...

Like my thoughts I die and am reborn each day- Rumi

Each night lost
I cry myself to sleep
It makes no sense
This world
It makes no sense to me
I see people
Chasing after things
All day long
They scurry from place to place
Money
Power
Things
More
More 
More...
I lie awake 
I see the walls
The roof
The things
In my room
They are just things
And the world
Makes no sense
I fall asleep 
Weary...
I awake
Weary...
The same walls
The same room
The same things
-
And then it happens
My meaning
A dark eyed
Angel
With dark curly hair
And sleepy eyes
Steps into my space
And with her comes
The scent of heaven
And light
So much light...
My heart cracks open
And my eyes tear up
She is beautiful
And it all makes sense again
Life
And meaning
Begin 
With love
And for me
Bug is love-


Saturday, October 25, 2014

The Samurai and I

He grounds my soul and sooths my spirit
The Samurai...
He listens as I speak
Holds the space as I break
And then he shows me
My true self

He is strong enough
To embrace
All the feelings
I bring to him
Strong enough to understand
I need to speak
I don't need fixing 

He sees and knows 
My soul
I've known his a long time too
Our paths weave
And meet
And on occasion
Separate

He loves me
And I him
The Samurai

Sunday, October 19, 2014

On my knees...

The thing about a broken back is,
I find myself either face down on the floor 
Or on my knees often-
Both, I have discovered 
Are an excellent position
For me to pray

I vowed 
When I was very little
That if I ever bowed my head
It would only be before God
So it is fitting that it is bowed often before Him now

Another thing about being down there
Is that I am learning how to fight 
From the ground
It is a different kind of fight
One I am not used to
I usually fight on my feet
I am quick on my feet
But I guess
The Lord
In his wisdom decided
I needed to learn how to fight
A different way

I learn fast once acceptance kicks in
Humility follows
And then comes turmoil
The struggle of impatient ones
Over eager novices
Like myself

But like I read somewhere
"What is to give light must endure burning..."
I shall endure
And burn
And while on the floor face down
And on my knees
I shall say a prayer
Each time
To Him
That is 
Light
Divine



 

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Transcendence

I am more than my physical form
I am more than what I seem
I am a soul
And when I see
What I am
I have no fear
Fear is a physical thing
Faith is a soul thing
When I have faith
I am without fear
Not fear less...
For I am never less than
Or more than
I am a soul
And a soul
...
 A soul is!
A soul 
Always 
Is

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Respect

Yesterday 
On the drive home
As the Bug and I talked
About life
And strife
I looked over
And saw her cry
"What's up Bug?"
"These are tears of respect mom, you have no idea how much I love and respect who you are, and how amazing you are!"
And just like that
It comes full circle
I don't need much validation
But validation from the Bug
Is 
Worth
The 
Moon and stars
Combined
Love
My 
Bug

Friday, October 10, 2014

The love that never was...




This reminds me of me when I was little-

I would run away from home... Say my goodbyes before I left in hopes that someone would ask me to stay- no one ever did...

So I would leave in hopes that someone would come after me- but no one ever did.


Forever after we continue to chase the love that was not returned- all the while missing out on the love that was waiting with open arms.


Today I am struggling to learn how to recognize the love that is always there-


Everyday a new lesson. 


❤️

The universe will give me everything I need-
(This one from Hanya all the way from England, comes at such a timely hour to remind me of a truth I will need to propel me forward... Her words "this one is for you, about you...")

It is a wonderful thing to be loved, truly loved for everything that I am!

With a smile I will walk on-


Monday, October 6, 2014

Defining moments

There are these moments when it happens...
An awareness-
It doesn't just dawn on you
It hits you in the face 
Like a ton of bricks
And every fibre of your being and existence is aware
And in congruence
The moment when you realize 
Your truth
You get up
And shed all the lies
You bought into
And a being ness happens
A solidifying occurs
All your blurry edges become clear 
OUTLINED IN BOLD
And you become 
A stronger
More refined
Well defined
You


Saturday, October 4, 2014

Eid and hajj mabruk-

When He calls you go...
Labbaik-

Eid Mubarak to all

Friday, October 3, 2014

Soul love

When your soul calls
They will hear it
And they will find you first 
Before any other can reach you
They will reach you first
...
Oceans do not matter
Continents do not matter
Your soul love
Will hear you
And be beside you
...
Distance does not matter
...
They will watch the view
Sitting on a bench with you
Your physical presence is not needed
Your soul love will find you
...
Your soul will sit with theirs
In a lab
Or in your home
On a damp Friday afternoon
...
Your soul love
Will be with you
Everywhere


Thursday, October 2, 2014

The last word

When an ending happens
Words are exchanged
Each is trying to explain
Each to say a goodbye
Each wants to do it in a way
That eases pain
Self and other 

In that conversation
Is the last word
One parting jab
That needs to be inflicted
To absolve the "self"
And indict the other

To say 
"You were wrong"
"This is what it really is"

There will always be two subjective versions of that reality

Truth will be a constant
But there will be different realities
For both

I received the last words
Last night

I had my moment of awakening
And it was huge

The wound is where 
The light enters
I was wounded by those last words
It is strange
How the words
"I love you"
Uttered in parting
Can inflict a wound
But they did

I am glad they did

I said them once
To another as my parting words
I must have wounded him 

We must each do what we do
To keep our egos fed
I fed mine with those words
And high and mighty in my head
I thought I took the high road
Alas-
The only road I took was the lies 
I fed to myself

It is foolish to say a goodbye 
And 
An I love you...

If you love
Don't say goodbye
If it is goodbye
Don't leave your heart behind

I am grateful for that understanding 
Today-
I am grateful for the wound
These last words have inflicted
On me
The wound is where the light enters...

My wound will keep
My heart
Wide open
And a heart that is open
Will always love

Love will always find
An open heart

Real love lasts
Love
From an open heart
Given
And received 
By an open heart
Lasts...
And so I smile

That one is yet to come
So let this be goodbye

It takes two open hearts
To dance 
The tango of love

That one is yet to come

I surrender to the situation
And will let it change me
So that what is mine
May find its way
To me 
And I
To it-





Tuesday, September 30, 2014

I grieve for Gaza

I feel the lump in my throat
The sting of tears behind my eyes
Even as I try to fight them back
A few pour through
I scramble to find my phone
To blog
Because if I don't
I will break
I will crack 
I will fall apart
Right here 
Right now 
And there is just not enough space
And not enough time 
To do that right this second

And my poor heart 
Told once more
"Hold on"
Holds on
Some more...

It's coming up for me
The tears that I left uncried
The grief that I left unfelt
The horror
The pain
Of Gaza

It's coming up again...

There are faces
Seared in my mind
Living faces 
Holding the dead they once loved
Broken 
Both the living and the dead
And me witness
And me helpless 

I am a healer
I heal pain
To witness it inflicted
With such cruelty
And carelessness
And a world sitting by
I cannot wrap my head around
That fact 

It is coming up again
In waves
Lest I forget
What I know
What I saw
What happened
What was done

My eyes feel tears
My heart breaks
My
Soul
Weeps
I cannot
Explain
Just
How I feel

I am simply aware
A part of me is irrevocably 
B R O K E N
 
I can only accept

I can only grieve

I can only feel this pain

That I am now aware 
Will never
Ever
Actually 
Be gone
Ever...

I will find ways to cope
I will hope
And some days
I will laugh
I will eat and breath
And live and love
But I will do it all
With this pain 
In my soul
 
It will never be 
Gone
I will see SHAIMA 
Everytime
I close my eyes
And countless more
In my waking moments 
And in my sleep

I will feel the soft skin
And the laughter that no longer rings
And the only thing to keep me company
Is the awareness that is all too real
They are gone
And I was witness to it
I am in pain
And will be until my last breath

Gaza 
My soul weeps for you
My heart aches
The tears fall
Will always fall
For you


Saturday, September 27, 2014

Love and grace

It's a vast wilderness
This space within
I have not visited it in depth
For an age now
There has been a sorrow
Hanging in the air
The residue of a heart break
And of the carnage in Gaza

I shut down emotionally
After that
And there was a giant Gaza shaped 
Hole in my soul
To keep company with
The dad shaped hole
And heartbreak holes
In this old and worn little heart of mine 

I took a chance just the other day
And opened my heart up again
Love gives you wings to fly
The only problem is 
When you are open
It all is possible
Happiness
Joy
Love
Laughter
And yes even pain
And so just like what goes up
Must come down
The heart that feels
Must feel it all
The sorrow
And the pain
The laughter
And the rain

At the first touch of pain
I felt it again
All the well crafted defenses 
So prudently nurtured
Kick into effect
And start the auto process 
Of shut down 
Once again
---
This time I took a chance
And resisted
I chose the path of 
Human 
And decided for once
Not to be a superhuman 

The storm came and passed
My Bug compared me 
To Nelson Mandela
I smiled through my tears
Sometimes we try
So hard
To show our true self
To others
Who are too blind to see
The real thing

I tried that
I give up
Those that have eyes
Will see me
Those that don't
No longer matter

I am reminded of the words 
Two men spoke to me
The Bear once told me
"Cast not your pearls before swine"
And Gandalf said to me
"My little Persian Princess
Repeat after me 
-I have nothing
To prove
To anyone
Including myself-"

And so today
I wander my wilderness
Again
It is a haven
Full of grace
It is my grace
This is my face
Full of love
And both 
Love and Grace
Are my connection
To my God
After all
God is love
God is grace

I am me
And that is good enough



Friday, September 26, 2014

The storm

The lightening struck
When I got home
The thunder rolled in at the gym
By the time I made it to my car
The storm was in full force
The tears started before my car did
And by the time I was in my garage
The sky caved in
And so it happened 
Right there in that car
The hardest part
The hurt
That you ignore
That catches up 
Before you know
It came in torrents
It came in waves
At first I angered
Then there was protest
Then my plea
And then
When all was lost
And all fell apart
And I was decimated
And at last
I surrendered
To unabashed grief
And the wracking sobs
Had simmered down 
And even the whimper
Had subsided
And all that was left
Was a strange silence 
It found me...
The very deepest core
The very essence 
Of me-
In my darkest moment
It found me
My light
And so it is
Que sera sera
What will be
Will be

Sometimes

Sometimes 
When you are trying 
To hold on too tight
What you need to do 
Is just let go
And release
It all
And let the pieces fall 
Where they might
You may just break
A little 
Or a lot
You may just 
Altogether
Come undone 
But maybe that is 
Okay...
In order 
To grow
And 
To know
One must first 
Unlearn
The old
And learn
The new
So that 
One may
Renew
Redefine
And walk on
To being
A whole new
Even more authentic
And true 
You

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

It's just the way I feel... About you!

Your smile warms my heart
Your eyes make me melt
When you reach for my hands 
And hold me in your embrace
The world fades away 
And it's just me and you instead
I want to fall asleep in your world
And find my way into your dreams
Just so I don't miss you
Even for a bit
It's crazy I know
But it's just the way I feel
It's just the way I feel 
About you...

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Turning points

Moments in time
That define
The who
The what
The how 
The when

Turning points
That direct
The next step



Monday, September 22, 2014

Him

I could smell him 
Before I even got there
His fragrance lingered
In the air
What madness! I thought,
My brain begot
And then I saw it
His token of love 
It sat there 
And stared at me
I stared right back and finally 
I picked it up
inhaled 
His breath of love
He knew I would
When he breathed it out
I
love 
you
So much more...
Than three little words
Words he could not
Say to me
Yet he left them
Sitting there
Words he knows 
I know too well
Words of truth
Words that fell
Like kisses soft
In the night
Like laughter
Ringing in sound of songs
Words so true
They almost hung
In the air
Like Greensleeves
In refrain  
Justine's voice singing
For kisses in the rain 
So he left them sitting there
I
Love
You
So much more
Than three little words







I have no words

I have no words he said
No words to say 
Save all that I've said before 
And perhaps just a few words more

I thought he wished me farewell
And yet he said, "don't let me go..."
Whispered though it was
Hidden well between the lines 

There's fear there I thought
As I read through the lines
Enough fear to cripple the man
And yet no courage to claim 

So I sat and read
And understood 
More even than what was
Hidden deep between the lines

And so it goes
Some come and some go
Some have words and some don't 
Some are fighters some are not

Some live
Some only claim to
Some have heart
And some used to...


Sunday, September 21, 2014

Haq and Hu

Haq- Truth
Hu- is

Reality is multi-layered and varies from person to person subjectively 

Truth is a constant

Happiness and sadness, both are fleeting and momentary. 

Anchor your life to either happiness or sadness and you expose yourself to the whims of externals.

Try to seek reality and you will always come up against the  subjective differences through with perception alters each individual's reality.

Truth however "is".
Truth is a constant.
"Is" is a constant. Momentary but nonetheless a constant. There are an infinite number of "is's" even in a moment. An "is" can stretch for an eternity.

Haq-truth-God-Allah-Hu-Is...
A constant 

In these moments of "is" if you are present and have clarity in your heart and soul and are free from the deceptive workings of  personality and perceptions you will encounter "truth"... Irrefutable TRUTH! Unaltered and untrained by fear, doubt, confusion and experience.

Truth simply is...
Haq-Hu

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Clean slate

Sometimes the world goes mad  
And war and death are everywhere
Sometimes those with heart
Get their hearts broken
And the pieces scatter here and there

In the carnage and devastation
They look around
Searching for all the remnants 
Of life, of love, of happiness
And they start to gather them up

Those with faith and hope will scavenge
Every last piece from the wreckage
In the aftermath they will sit
With patience and courage
And turn their insides to gold

Like the ore facing the furnace
They will burn for many moons
Suffering the transformation
Enduring the pain
Until it is time to rebirth

Like a Phoenix they will rise again
To another heaven
To a new day
To a new way
To a new hope
To a new love


They will find all that was lost
And it will be even better
Stronger and more refined 
Than what was before
And just like that 
The slate will be wiped clean again 

Thursday, September 18, 2014

The path and the destination

I wondered
Are you the path 
Or my destination...?

What do you mean?

Well, sometimes 
Some people come along to help us resolve... They are like the path 
And then there is the destination.
Are you my path or my destination?
I don't know what I am for you
I just wondered if you are my path
Or my destination.

Can't the path lead to the destination?

Hmmm I hadn't thought about that-

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Love without ownership

It's a beautiful thing
To love
And not seek to own
It is so human
To want to own
So trivial
Almost naive
To seek permanence
Life is impermanence 
It is so human to forget
This impermanence 
To seek to sooth 
The void 
The end
With the illusion
Of solid permanence
It is so strong
This thing called love
It can break down 
All walls
Love
---
And permanence seeks
To build 
And contain
What has been found
---
Love
It is boundless
This thing called love
It cannot be contained
In a vessel
Within a wall
---
It's love
It is a force 
That fights 
To be free
---
You cannot win 
You must surrender 
To love
---
It is a beautiful thing 
To surrender 
To love
To embrace 
The helplessness
Of love
---
To let go
The ego
And ownership 
And walls
---
Simply let love
Enter 
---
And love
And not seek 
To own
Or save 
A little for later
---
Like manna 
From heaven
Simply know 
It's love
And it will come 
Again 
Tomorrow
And again 
Tomorrow 
One must simply 
Surrender 

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Labbaik!

Tonite out of slumber 
I heard him call 
My soul replied
Labbaik!
In this world of vampires
And drones
I wept
Labbaik!
In what is a dwelling
On my pallet I lay
On hard floor
Labbaik!
It means naught
Silver and gold
Jewels they hoard
Labbaik!
I seek my lord
And his will
And his work
Labbaik!
In the still of the night
He stirs my soul 
My lord
Labbaik!

Monday, September 15, 2014

Ordinary Human

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wKVatND8pwE&feature=youtu.be

"Emotions are something deeper... More primal than feelings..."

Ordinary humans are capable of "extraordinary" when those emotions are stirred.

If you find someone who can stir up something beautiful in you, take you to heaven and back with a look or a kiss, whose smell lingers and whose thoughts invade every corner of your mind, hold on to them. These people hold the keys to your particular heaven :)


Tuesday, September 9, 2014

The warrior

His face is stoic
His body rigid
In his icy demeanor
I can see him still
He calls me goddess
In his gentle eyes 
I see the softness 
He hides inside
On his lonely hilltop
He stands alone
His duty comes first
He cannot forego
Honor his motto
Steady his hand
But I see his heart crack 
A little inside
Yearning for warmth again
Once more to feel


More than words...


His question-

...what would you do?...
More than words to show me
That your love for me is real...

My reply-

Look into your eyes
And let you see my soul
Listen as you speak
Understand
Your mistakes 
And not ever judge you
Give you a book to read
Or sneak you off for mint tea
Kiss you in your car
Write to tell you
I'm thinking of you
Hold your hand
Leave my scent lingering on your very being 
Hold you close 
And not let go 
Make you drop your weights at the gym
And then laugh with you
Be here when you come home
Home to me...
Be the place you can call home
---


Sunday, September 7, 2014

I don't even know why-

I love you and I don't even know why-
There is no meaning or sense to it, 
No words 
No thoughts 
It's a love
That just loves
It can't be helped 
It does not even matter
If you loved me back
I love you
And that is so real
To me
It makes me weak
I don't know why
It spreads through my being
Breaking down every wall
I ever built
To keep love out
And love takes all
All of me
Lets me know
It's there
And there is no 
Control I have over it
All I can do
Is weep and accept
This love
I feel for you
And I don't even know why...
Why
Love 
You

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Love knows

The soul knows before the heart does
The heart knows before the mind will allow it to be recognized
The tongue denies it 
But can't help stating it
So it goes with love...

Love knows 
And wants to be known 

Friday, September 5, 2014

Moments

Sometimes you live life without a single memorable moment, and then-Sometimes there is a lifetime of memory in a single moment.

They are etched in your memory forever. 

You smile when you think of these moments and you play them over and over again in your mind and each time it puts a smile on your face...

In these moments you recall being present with all of you- your heart, your mind, your soul... and everything just seems to fit and click and feels beautiful and there is a happiness, a genuine happiness that you feel.
 
These moments feel almost like a memory because they remind you of something or someone or how you felt when you were with someone. Except that they feel better. They feel better because it's a fresh start. Something new. Something untainted by the hurts and the pains of the past. And they give you hope.

Moments of pure life. Moments you take a chance on being completely happy and actually allowing yourself to taste the happiness that you deserve, instead of letting them slip through. Moments that you never regret because you wanted that happiness. Because it was yours and you opened up to receive it...

Workout 
Mint tea
Conversation
And a kiss
A lifetime of memory in a moment

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Life Strong-

I have been in fits of laughter because a certain someone suggested I try to lick my elbow...
The goofy part is I actually tried it and obviously failed but the trying is so much fun and so absolutely ridiculous it's pure joy! At one point I actually went in a complete circle spin trying it. And I was giggling hysterically at myself. I'm not much of a dog person but I suppose that's why those bloody canine beasts chase their tails!

After getting soaked to the skin in the exhilarating thunderstorm today the pure adrenaline rush makes me feel completely and intensely alive. The exquisite experience of the rain on my skin was as beautiful as life can get. 

Between that and laughter there isn't much more my soul could want...
My Bug's soft kiss goodnight, a smile on my face, and pure joy in my heart- 

There's Strong
There's Army Strong
And then there's Life Strong ;)
I think I'm getting to Life Strong 


Tuesday, September 2, 2014

One last glance

It's a funny thing,
This heart of mine...
It goes for the same thing 
Every time-

I laugh to myself
As I see it unfold
The same road
I've walked down before

And then just like that
It's lost it appeal
My latest fad
Just lost its shine

How interesting to behold
That old pattern
Run through so fast
And I can almost see each stage

And then in a blink
The trance breaks
And I am awake
And I see how futile is this thing

That for a second
Holds me captive
Like a drug
It's a rush-

Only now I'm smart...
I smirk
And turn back for one last glance
And then just walk away


Monday, September 1, 2014

Victory

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.

Friedrich Nietzsche


The struggle is real-
The price incredibly high
But the victory is "Owning Myself!"
And while a bruised and battered soul I am...
Yes sometimes frightened,
And very often lonely
---
I value my solitude
Know my strength
Respect my choices 
Stay true to myself
And quite frankly the price is worth every scar that brought me to this point!

I hold my head up high
Because I and no one else 
Are in ownership of me


Friday, August 29, 2014

Live out loud! 💀

Sometimes when the wind blows
You must dig your heels in
Tuck in your chin 
And weather the storm

The brave know this fact
The anxious fall apart

Life has it all
Laughter
Love
Agony
Adversity
Loss 
Success 
And so much more

Try not to get too attached to any of it
All are temporary-

Life is about living
That's right living is present tense
Be in your present state
Completely
Whatever that state may be

Live out loud!

Sunday, August 24, 2014

The plight of the world

I find myself at times disgusted and at times overwhelmed because of the plight of the world...
Disgusted because I "expect"... (The devil of all emotions is that-expectation) a higher standard of conduct from a human. Overwhelmed because of the cognitive dissonance created in my mind as a result of the actual reality of this world and it's contradiction with my expectation.

I am in a bit of an existential dilemma here. Must one be devoid of all expectation? I am struggling with accepting the massacre of humans as a normal reality. While it is prudent to accept reality as it is, is it not criminal for me to accept this massacre? I am dealing with the reality that so many are already dead, but how is one supposed to deal with the reality that so many are still going to be dead because war wages on?

I have turned to spirituality and psychology and all state that balance comes from acceptance of our limits. But what if you wanted to push those limits? What if some of the limits we are expected to live in are the very ones that have allowed such carnage to perpetuate and grow.

I turn to Darwinism and the animal kingdom and what I see happening in the world is something WORSE than what happens in nature. In nature, survival of the fittest and natural selection are at least in balance and proportion.

In the homo sapien species a systematic process of elimination to the point of near extinction is being carried out. Psychologically speaking, a psychopathic breed of ruthless human is being steadily fed on the blood and flesh of the non psychopathic.

What happens in the end. What if all are eliminated except for the psychopaths?
Will they not turn on each other? They most assuredly will.

In the end the most bloodthirsty will remain and naught else.

It makes me a little less concerned with mundane things like wealth and social status. A lot more attuned to love and loved ones and the beauty surrounding me that is this life and the beautiful world we live in. There is a strange peace in that beauty and that understanding that brings some semblance of "acceptance".

If all is for naught, then I'd rather have loved than be rich. I'd rather have felt and expressed than held it all in. I'd rather have seen this beautiful earth and tasted life and lived... 
Truly 
LIVED
While I still have life-

Thursday, August 21, 2014

For Bug- with love...

You'll be okay
My little bug
You're all bewildered
And confused
And this big world 
Before you looms...
But I know this
You'll be just fine-

You may struggle
And even fall
Win a thing or two
And sometimes lose
Get things right
And make some mistakes
Lose your way
And find it back
Get derailed
And crawl back on
But in the end
You will see
You will triumph
And be who you were 
Always meant to be
This I see
Because in you
I see courage
I see strength
I see talent
And wisdom...
All heaven sent

I see joy
And a heart so sweet
I see mischief
And playful tricks 
I see passion
And headstrong willfulness
I see defiance
And stubborn spirit
I see love
And vulnerability
I see anger
And forgiveness 
I see a maiden
Ready to blossom
I see her flexing her wings for flight-
And yet,
I see you hesitate 
Looking back my way
Somewhat fearful
Of what lies ahead

I see curiosity
And willingness to risk
To take that chance
Come what may
I see balance
And most of all-

I see you just need
To trust YOURSELF!

You will always have my love
You will NEVER be alone
When there is no one
You will still have YOU
And the big guy in the sky...
And so I know 
You'll be okay

Love
You

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

How?

Tell me how...

To go about my day
To look the other way
To forget
The deaths 
The hunger
The pain

Show me how...

To silence the screams
In my head
The broken 
The dying
Keening and crying

Teach me how...

To turn this heart to stone
Not to worry
Or to mourn
The loss of life
Liberty
Freedom

How?
...

It dies
My soul...
If
I do
Please explain
HOW
You live
With this
And look
Away?
How
Can 
You
Look
Away
Live on
Forget
Them...

Yes
Them...

They who die
Still
In
Gaza


Thursday, August 14, 2014

SouthWest & NorthEast

"SouthWest actually means something...what does NorthEast mean?" He asked

-it's a storm- I thought to myself
-a powerful wind, with a storm in tow
-it rages- I thought to myself
-a tempest, ready to blow-

In a world gone mad we crave love
The desire to live and taste life
Raw
Undiluted life

When blood flows freely and the wolves tear at flesh
The lovers want to fall 
Before they perish
To taste a kiss
To make love
To scream in ecstasy 
Before he comes
The grim reaper
At our doorstep
Rap rap rapping
Saying it's time to go

When terror prevails and justice is blind
When the criminal is king
And the innocent lie dead

The lovers want a taste of life
Before it's gone
And it is too late

A house will be rubble
Money lost in the wind
Things that we hoard
Naught will remain

When water is scarce
For what will you thirst?
When you toil at your desk
What have you really earned?

The lovers just want a place
A look
A touch
A kiss
A taste
Of life!
Before it's too late

South west means a lot, I know...
But...
A Nor'easter is a storm
Raw passion you know...
Unleash it 
Feel it
Let it run amuck
Fall into it
Let it break you
Accept it 
Let go

"The wound is where the light enters"
Said Rumi, you know...

In a world gone mad
The lovers are sane
In a world at war 
Make love, not hate

SouthWest is a dream
A desire
A need
NorthEast is the passion
That will get you there-




Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Surreal world

It feels surreal some days
The madness all around
Death all around
And yet it is life as usual
I awake
I work
I sleep
It feels surreal that I have water
And some don't
I turn off the tap and think a while
It feels surreal
This life I have 
I feel it as if for the first time
The air as I breath it in
Through my nose
The feel of fabric on my skin
And then it comes
This overwhelming rush of love
For life
For everyone and everything
And then after any rush comes the crash
I face my loneliness
It sure would be nice to have someone
But not just anyone
Someone who knows and understands
Love
And life
Someone true
Someone more than just someone
The one
On that note I stop
There is someone I seek
And I shall find
And when I do
I will know
Until then
There's love 
And life
And a world
So surreal


These songs of Freedom...

The saddest moment of my day happened at the end of today-

At the gym as I'm working out, (the gym.... The only place that keeps me sane these days), I got to talking with G, a  man who also works out there. 
He's a big guy, well built and towers over me. He talks to me with the utmost respect, does not hit on me and actually sees me as another human being and not a piece of meat.
Inside his chest beats a sweet and compassionate heart. He has the gentlest eyes and is very soft spoken. I  like G. I respect G. 

He sees me beasting it out and throwing weights around and he asks 
"why are you training so hard?"
I tell him I'm not training. I'm angering today, because of all the many things that are unjust. We get to the topic of #Ferguson and his brow furrows. 

"You know," he confides after he heard me rant for a bit,
 "I'm scared. Sometimes I see a cop on the road next to me and I'm scared and I think- oh shit, I hope he don't pull me over. I hope he don't think I'm bad and shoot at me if he pull me over."

I felt my eyes well up with tears.

You see, G is a black man...

"It's not right G." I tell him. "It's fucked up! You should not have to be scared" 

This beautiful, peaceful, sweet soul should NOT have to be scared. But he is-

Because we live in an age where despite all the progress we have made the insidious vibes of hatred and racism run deep. Where the concept of supremacy is based on the color of your skin.

"I'm so sorry," I say- "it's fucked up!"

"Don't be sad, I didn't mean to make you sad" he comforts me.

"I am sad, not because of you but because it's fucked up" I sniffle.

"You know you the only white person that asked me about it." He says after a while

"I'm not white G. I was born in Uganda. In Africa."

"For real?!" And he breaks into a smile...

"Yup yup" I smile back.

"You know what?" I say,
"It's red..."

He looks at me for a bit and then smiles. He gets it. 

"Yes it is. It is for sure!"

We say goodbye. 

It's red-
Blood!
 
Yours 
Mine 
G's
It's red...

No one's any better or superior-
But race is about divisions
Because divisions empower profiteers

Hatred is taught 
And learned 

I wonder why so many are SHEEPLE 
And don't get it?

How long will they kill our prophets
While we stand aside and look...?
Won't you help to sing
These songs of freedom...
They're all I ever had-
Redemption songs-
These songs of freedom 

No one is ever FREE until ALL of us are free.
Enough is enough. 

We have to stand up for freedom
For all
JUSTICE for all

So that a SHAIMA won't die in Gaza because she was born on the wrong side of town...
Nor a Mike Brown in Missouri

And a gentle, sweet man won't have to worry that he might be mistreated because his skin is darker than mine...

Won't you help to sing...
These songs of FREEDOM!
 
#justice4MikeBrown
#FreePalestine

Monday, August 11, 2014

For Gaza- For freedom!

I believe in what my heart feels and my soul speaks more than I believe in the words of con men-  
And my heart feels for Gaza and my soul screams for their Freedom!



Thursday, August 7, 2014

"We teach life..." (Gaza)



Sumoud...
Steadfastness.

It has been a very difficult month. My heart has been bleeding since Gaza started bleeding. In one of my darkest moments of despair I write to Hanya-
"I am broken..."
She wrote back-
"You love them... They will feel your love..."
 
They have taught me how to live!

Gaza
Palestine
I want you to know
You do teach life!
You have taught me how to live...

Out of the implements of destruction you create art.
In the rubble you find treasures.
In darkness you brought light
Where there was only black and white and dust, you brought flowers.
When there was no chalk you wrote with your tears.
In the ruins of your home, you made another home...
You are the people of legends
You are the Phoenix rising from the ashes
...
You teach LIFE!



Saturday, August 2, 2014

The little boy who held his daddy's glasses...

He can't be more than 4
The little boy
In tears
With his daddy's glasses
Clutched tightly in his hand
His other hand 
Gripping tight
His fathers shirt-
He looks up in fright 

His father lay
Silent.
Cold.
Still. 
In death!

The same repose
For his kin
His brother as well
Same silence
Same stillness
Same death
Untimely
Unnatural
Cold and cruel...
Unkind

The little boy
With nothing left
Except for his daddy's glasses
Only slightly bent
Clutched tightly
In his tiny hand

The little boy with his fathers glasses

For him tonight I wept
With him tonight I wept

He shall not go
Unknown by me
His story too
I shall tell
I once looked upon
The little boy who held
His daddy's glasses in his hand

The little boy from Gaza

The man with the broken child in his arms

I don't know their names, but I will not let them be just another number, just another statistic!

They have a story- each one of these humans...

I don't know their lives but I see the stories their faces tell me.

I will tell their story-

They haunt me, these beautiful faces. Their nobility and courage....They bring me to tears. My heart cracks open to receive them. 

This is the man with the broken child in his arms. His face says it all-
Utter disbelief!
He does not look at the child,
He cannot...
But he holds the child with such tenderness
His right hand circles the child's wrist
There is such love and shock
And loss...

He is lost

Him in the foreground
The child broken- gone...
Them in the background in ragged clothes
Barefoot 
One in the background with another wounded in his arms
In this world of dust and madness

Their life!
Their reality!

He is in my heart tonite, 
The man with the broken child in his arms

They all are
The bleeding, the broken...
The dying, the dead...
The living and grieving
My brothers 
My sisters
Whose blood 
Like mine
Is red-

The humans in Gaza...


Friday, August 1, 2014

The abyss

It's dark and confusing
In the abyss
It makes no sense
In the abyss
We breathe
We eat
We sleep 
In the abyss
We work
We fuck
We love
In the abyss
There's money
And power
And lies
In the abyss
There's music
And laughter
And sunshine
In the abyss
Some days it's warm
And some days it's cold
In the abyss
Some days we know
And some days we don't
In the abyss
I am lost
In the abyss
I see others
In the abyss
Some see me
And
Some don't
I see some
And
Some I don't 
In the abyss
It is confusing
Some want one thing
Some another
Some take 
And
Some give
In the abyss
I think the abyss 
Is inside of us
More so than us
Inside of it
Zoom in 
Zoom out
Try to capture 
The right frame
Does the abyss 
Consume us?
Or we it?
It's dark and confusing
In the abyss
There's light and laughter 
In the abyss
How can it be be dark
And yet there be light
But it is so...
How can there be light
And yet it's dark
But it is so...
This abyss
Confuses me
Am I dark? 
Or am I light?
Am I both?
Am I the abyss?
I think I am
Both dark
And light
I think am
The abyss
And it is I...
This abyss
Confuses me
But I feel
There's more
To you and I
Than this
Abyss...
I think there's more
Than truth and lies
Than light and dark
Than you and I
I think there's 
Us
And 
We
And not just
Me!
But I think
Too much
In the abyss


The boy with the cat-

There are some glimpses of events in life that will tear apart your soul...
Rend your heart in two.

SHAIMA of Gaza is such a glimpse for me...

And today, it was this boy with a cat-

@Belalmd12: Sleeping on the floor at Shifa hospital was this kid. The only thing that survived from his home was his cat. #Gaza http://t.co/KGv9pPYvFU

I found this on Twitter.

His cat, the only thing that survived from his home...
And he asleep on a cold stone floor...
Alone with his cat
The animal held close in his embrace
The extent of his loss so poignant on his face- even in sleep.
His body language screaming out
What his voice cannot.
The dust and rubble and gunpowder still visible on his sandals...

Oh........
That floor so cold
In a world so cruel

May his dreams be beautiful
And filled with love
May his loved ones visit
To kiss his cheeks
May his mothers embrace
Keep him warm in his dreams
May he find play and frolic that his young years deserve
May his slumber have songs from angels themselves
May his sleep give him a brief respite
From the cruel world he will find when he awakens 

My prayers and heart are with this beautiful child
Asleep with his cat
On a cold stone floor
With the dust of war on his sandals
In Shifa hospital
The boy with the cat
From Gaza

Help
Gaza
Please
...


Wednesday, July 30, 2014

An angel departs- SHAIMA of Gaza

July 26 2014- July 30 2014
SHAIMA of Gaza

Not just a number
Not just some dates
Not just another statistic
Not just a name
She was a baby
She was a human
She fought for life

5 days...
5 days?
5 days!!!!

Her lifespan-

Five days

F
I
V
E
DAYS

I remember my daughters face
The day she was born
I remember my heart swell with love
At her beautiful face
I remember seeing Shaima's picture
I remember my heart swell with love
I looked at this innocent emblem of love
I sensed her fragrance
I sensed her soft cheek
I wanted to hold her
And keep her safe...

Alas!

She's gone.
This bundle of love
She's gone
This angel of grace

Heaven open wide
Let my tears pave her way
Let my love be her shroud
As she finds her resting place...

Too much hate
Too much hate
Heaven have mercy
On her murderer's fate

After the torment in my soul subsides
Only silence remains
Just my words by my side
And her picture in front of my face
And I a heap on my bedroom floor
And my bug by my side
As tears stream down both our faces
This angel
Our heart
Our soul
Our love
Personified

An angel departs
5 days was her reign
An angel departs
In my heart she'll remain
An angel departs
No amount of hate
Can overcome my love for her
My angel
My SHAIMA
Of Gaza...