The path

I wept last night

I was in pain...

Face down 

I prayed 

To Him

Just tell me 

What to do-

Though I was scared

I had faith

He's got my back

I thought and then

I took my first step

And just like that 

My path appeared 

Such are His ways...

War Machine

In a time of deep sorrow and loss

In a world gone mad

From a place of rage

Avenging heralds land

And lay to waste 

Several sons of man

I read

I see 

I watch

And silently behold

The carnage

The blood

And gore 

Not much difference do I see now

In what I once called 

Friend and foe

Each blind in the face of righteous might

Calls the other dog and snake and filth

And screams for blood and death

My heart is heavy

As I note

They act and talk and look the same

Dehumanize the other

My heart is heavy

My soul weary

And yet I can't be silent

And so I'll scream it with every last breath

IF WE ALL DEHUMANIZE

THERE WONT BE ANY HUMANS LEFT!

Yes the victim was a human

And the killer human too!

Yes the victim had a mother

And the murderer too...

There always is a ripple effect 

For both victim 

And perpetrator

Kill one

And humanity dies

Kill yet another and humanity dies

Killing can't bring them back!

Killing leads to only more killing

WHERE is the sense in that?

I was already grieving 

When the children died

And I'm sorry to offend 

But I really can not celebrate 

When their killer is dead

For...

I see no celebration 

In ANY kind of life unnaturally taken

Since I cannot dole out life

I dare not dole out death!

Some jobs are mine 

On this earth

But life and death...

I cannot pretend to interpret 

Were mine to give and take

I am not

And never will be

A part of this war machine

The last lullaby

In the darkest of hours

While mothers wept 

And mourned 

In a world 

Where they buried their babes

That fateful day-

Who shall speak?

And break the silence...

I heard the clamor 

In the town square

As they screamed for more death

To avenge those

Already dead...

And I wonder

How much blood to quench the thirst?

How much hate?

And how much more?

I lost count

Can't even keep score

You kill mine

I kill yours

Who then shall remain

To sing the lullaby

Who then shall remain

To hear the refrain

When all are quenched 

None remain

Alas

'Tis the last...

The last lullaby

#PeshawarAttack

All my beautiful children...

They brushed their teeth and got dressed

Bags packed and homework done

Bright eyes

And glorious smiles 

With feet that smelled like angels 

All my beautiful children...

Dreaming of great things to learn

Wishing upon a star

Sweet hearts

And soft hands

With voices like the sound of God's grace

All my beautiful children...

Swift the darkness did descend

Rattle of gunfire, smell of blood and then

Silence

And disarray

Like shattered pearls they lay

All my beautiful children...

#PeshawarAttack

December 16, 2014

(The black shoe is Bug's, when she was one.) (The bloody shoe belonged to another little bug and she could have been mine too.)

My heart is broken-

Three drinks...

Over the first drink I shared

Authentically

No holds barred

The words spilled out

And I felt 

Connected

As did he

Over the second drink

In the mellow candlelight

We laughed

As the warm glow of the fire

Behind us sparked

Like the attraction

Between us

He bared his soul

And felt his burden

Lighten

Over the third drink

The tension built

And screamed for release 

On the way home

I stole a kiss

Outside

And another

Inside

And so we parted

Unfulfilled

And yet fulfilled

With a lingering promise

In the air

Him...

I call him

The Big Guy in the sky

And he is good to me

So VERY good to me

...

When I realize

How gently 

He carries me through the storms 

Tears stream down my face

...

For everything in life

There is a time

And a place

And so He holds me close

...

He is-

He is my God

And I have no words

Just tears and gratitude

...

For He is good

So VERY good to me

And I am blessed

Beyond belief

Destiny

It occurs to me how futile it is to fret

And pine and yearn in endless ways

For that which is most elusive 

What is to be

Will be

What is not will not

Midnight chats with Shah

"So how did you lose yourself?" He asked

I replied-

"I was unhappy...

Deeply sorrowful

So I did the unthinkable-

Fell into the pain and lost myself

The only thing I lost was my ego image

And all I gained was myself..."

Love flame

RED...

The color of my love

Fiery orange flaming

Not a timid simmer softly glowing

But a wildfire raging

Burn with me

Into nothingness

I am a fool

I am a drifter

I cannot

Accumulate

Items

Or money 

Tedious, dull

Things

I am a seeker

Searching

For truth

Something

Real

In this world

Of fake

I am a vessel

Housed within

Is my soul

My heart

And also my mind

Trying to align and 

Harmonize 

I am a novice

Learning

Forgetting

Mistaking

Blundering

And then doing it 

All over again

Some days

I am blind

Some days

I see

At times

I am a fool and sometimes

I am wise

I am blind

Drifting...

A novice 

In a vessel-

A fool

Seeking

Wisdom 

Your heart won't let you forget

Why deny the truth of your heart?

Your heart won't let you forget

Why turn away from love

Reason won't make love end

All the turns and twists along the way

You think

You act

And yet

Your heart will bring you back

Why deny the truth of your heart...?

Your heart won't let you forget-

If they could they would-

"How could they see anything but the shadows if they were never allowed to move their heads?"

Plato- the allegory of the cave

I spoke with a soul today

He saw 

I shared

We conversed

And it was uplifting.

Of those who have not yet discovered

The journey into the self

How can one expect?

That was my wisdom for today...

If they could, they would-

And just like that comes an abundance of understanding and acceptsnce and patience.

Learning the art of existence

How to be in this world, but not of this world-

And many before me have spoken the same. The wisdom in the universe is one. Many arrive at it from different paths and at different times...

"It is the task of the enlightened not only to ascend to learning and to see the good but to be willing to descend again to those prisoners and to share their troubles and their honors, whether they are worth having or not. And this they must do, even with the prospect of death." Plato- the allegory of the cave

Life and meaning...

Like my thoughts I die and am reborn each day- Rumi

Each night lost

I cry myself to sleep

It makes no sense

This world

It makes no sense to me

I see people

Chasing after things

All day long

They scurry from place to place

Money

Power

Things

More

More 

More...

I lie awake 

I see the walls

The roof

The things

In my room

They are just things

And the world

Makes no sense

I fall asleep 

Weary...

I awake

Weary...

The same walls

The same room

The same things

-

And then it happens

My meaning

A dark eyed

Angel

With dark curly hair

And sleepy eyes

Steps into my space

And with her comes

The scent of heaven

And light

So much light...

My heart cracks open

And my eyes tear up

She is beautiful

And it all makes sense again

Life

And meaning

Begin 

With love

And for me

Bug is love-

The Samurai and I

He grounds my soul and sooths my spirit

The Samurai...

He listens as I speak

Holds the space as I break

And then he shows me

My true self

He is strong enough

To embrace

All the feelings

I bring to him

Strong enough to understand

I need to speak

I don't need fixing 

He sees and knows 

My soul

I've known his a long time too

Our paths weave

And meet

And on occasion

Separate

He loves me

And I him

The Samurai

On my knees...

The thing about a broken back is,

I find myself either face down on the floor 

Or on my knees often-

Both, I have discovered 

Are an excellent position

For me to pray

I vowed 

When I was very little

That if I ever bowed my head

It would only be before God

So it is fitting that it is bowed often before Him now

Another thing about being down there

Is that I am learning how to fight 

From the ground

It is a different kind of fight

One I am not used to

I usually fight on my feet

I am quick on my feet

But I guess

The Lord

In his wisdom decided

I needed to learn how to fight

A different way

I learn fast once acceptance kicks in

Humility follows

And then comes turmoil

The struggle of impatient ones

Over eager novices

Like myself

But like I read somewhere

"What is to give light must endure burning..."

I shall endure

And burn

And while on the floor face down

And on my knees

I shall say a prayer

Each time

To Him

That is 

Light

Divine

 

Transcendence

I am more than my physical form

I am more than what I seem

I am a soul

And when I see

What I am

I have no fear

Fear is a physical thing

Faith is a soul thing

When I have faith

I am without fear

Not fear less...

For I am never less than

Or more than

I am a soul

And a soul

...

 A soul is!

A soul 

Always 

Is

Respect

Yesterday 

On the drive home

As the Bug and I talked

About life

And strife

I looked over

And saw her cry

"What's up Bug?"

"These are tears of respect mom, you have no idea how much I love and respect who you are, and how amazing you are!"

And just like that

It comes full circle

I don't need much validation

But validation from the Bug

Is 

Worth

The 

Moon and stars

Combined

I 

Love

My 

Bug

The love that never was...

This reminds me of me when I was little-

I would run away from home... Say my goodbyes before I left in hopes that someone would ask me to stay- no one ever did...

So I would leave in hopes that someone would come after me- but no one ever did.

Forever after we continue to chase the love that was not returned- all the while missing out on the love that was waiting with open arms.

Today I am struggling to learn how to recognize the love that is always there-

Everyday a new lesson. 

❤️

The universe will give me everything I need-

(This one from Hanya all the way from England, comes at such a timely hour to remind me of a truth I will need to propel me forward... Her words "this one is for you, about you...")

It is a wonderful thing to be loved, truly loved for everything that I am!

With a smile I will walk on-

Defining moments

There are these moments when it happens...

An awareness-

It doesn't just dawn on you

It hits you in the face 

Like a ton of bricks

And every fibre of your being and existence is aware

And in congruence

The moment when you realize 

Your truth

You get up

And shed all the lies

You bought into

And a being ness happens

A solidifying occurs

All your blurry edges become clear 

OUTLINED IN BOLD

And you become 

A stronger

More refined

Well defined

You

Eid and hajj mabruk-

When He calls you go...

Labbaik-

Eid Mubarak to all

Soul love

When your soul calls

They will hear it

And they will find you first 

Before any other can reach you

They will reach you first

...

Oceans do not matter

Continents do not matter

Your soul love

Will hear you

And be beside you

...

Distance does not matter

...

They will watch the view

Sitting on a bench with you

Your physical presence is not needed

Your soul love will find you

...

Your soul will sit with theirs

In a lab

Or in your home

On a damp Friday afternoon

...

Your soul love

Will be with you

Everywhere

The last word

When an ending happens

Words are exchanged

Each is trying to explain

Each to say a goodbye

Each wants to do it in a way

That eases pain

Self and other 

In that conversation

Is the last word

One parting jab

That needs to be inflicted

To absolve the "self"

And indict the other

To say 

"You were wrong"

"This is what it really is"

There will always be two subjective versions of that reality

Truth will be a constant

But there will be different realities

For both

I received the last words

Last night

I had my moment of awakening

And it was huge

The wound is where 

The light enters

I was wounded by those last words

It is strange

How the words

"I love you"

Uttered in parting

Can inflict a wound

But they did

I am glad they did

I said them once

To another as my parting words

I must have wounded him 

We must each do what we do

To keep our egos fed

I fed mine with those words

And high and mighty in my head

I thought I took the high road

Alas-

The only road I took was the lies 

I fed to myself

It is foolish to say a goodbye 

And 

An I love you...

If you love

Don't say goodbye

If it is goodbye

Don't leave your heart behind

I am grateful for that understanding 

Today-

I am grateful for the wound

These last words have inflicted

On me

The wound is where the light enters...

My wound will keep

My heart

Wide open

And a heart that is open

Will always love

Love will always find

An open heart

Real love lasts

Love

From an open heart

Given

And received 

By an open heart

Lasts...

And so I smile

That one is yet to come

So let this be goodbye

It takes two open hearts

To dance 

The tango of love

That one is yet to come

I surrender to the situation

And will let it change me

So that what is mine

May find its way

To me 

And I

To it-

I grieve for Gaza

I feel the lump in my throat

The sting of tears behind my eyes

Even as I try to fight them back

A few pour through

I scramble to find my phone

To blog

Because if I don't

I will break

I will crack 

I will fall apart

Right here 

Right now 

And there is just not enough space

And not enough time 

To do that right this second

And my poor heart 

Told once more

"Hold on"

Holds on

Some more...

It's coming up for me

The tears that I left uncried

The grief that I left unfelt

The horror

The pain

Of Gaza

It's coming up again...

There are faces

Seared in my mind

Living faces 

Holding the dead they once loved

Broken 

Both the living and the dead

And me witness

And me helpless 

I am a healer

I heal pain

To witness it inflicted

With such cruelty

And carelessness

And a world sitting by

I cannot wrap my head around

That fact 

It is coming up again

In waves

Lest I forget

What I know

What I saw

What happened

What was done

My eyes feel tears

My heart breaks

My

Soul

Weeps

I cannot

Explain

Just

How I feel

I am simply aware

A part of me is irrevocably 

B R O K E N

 

I can only accept

I can only grieve

I can only feel this pain

That I am now aware 

Will never

Ever

Actually 

Be gone

Ever...

I will find ways to cope

I will hope

And some days

I will laugh

I will eat and breath

And live and love

But I will do it all

With this pain 

In my soul

 

It will never be 

Gone

I will see SHAIMA 

Everytime

I close my eyes

And countless more

In my waking moments 

And in my sleep

I will feel the soft skin

And the laughter that no longer rings

And the only thing to keep me company

Is the awareness that is all too real

They are gone

And I was witness to it

I am in pain

And will be until my last breath

Gaza 

My soul weeps for you

My heart aches

The tears fall

Will always fall

For you

Love and grace

It's a vast wilderness

This space within

I have not visited it in depth

For an age now

There has been a sorrow

Hanging in the air

The residue of a heart break

And of the carnage in Gaza

I shut down emotionally

After that

And there was a giant Gaza shaped 

Hole in my soul

To keep company with

The dad shaped hole

And heartbreak holes

In this old and worn little heart of mine 

I took a chance just the other day

And opened my heart up again

Love gives you wings to fly

The only problem is 

When you are open

It all is possible

Happiness

Joy

Love

Laughter

And yes even pain

And so just like what goes up

Must come down

The heart that feels

Must feel it all

The sorrow

And the pain

The laughter

And the rain

At the first touch of pain

I felt it again

All the well crafted defenses 

So prudently nurtured

Kick into effect

And start the auto process 

Of shut down 

Once again

---

This time I took a chance

And resisted

I chose the path of 

Human 

And decided for once

Not to be a superhuman 

The storm came and passed

My Bug compared me 

To Nelson Mandela

I smiled through my tears

Sometimes we try

So hard

To show our true self

To others

Who are too blind to see

The real thing

I tried that

I give up

Those that have eyes

Will see me

Those that don't

No longer matter

I am reminded of the words 

Two men spoke to me

The Bear once told me

"Cast not your pearls before swine"

And Gandalf said to me

"My little Persian Princess

Repeat after me 

-I have nothing

To prove

To anyone

Including myself-"

And so today

I wander my wilderness

Again

It is a haven

Full of grace

It is my grace

This is my face

Full of love

And both 

Love and Grace

Are my connection

To my God

After all

God is love

God is grace

I am me

And that is good enough

The storm

The lightening struck

When I got home

The thunder rolled in at the gym

By the time I made it to my car

The storm was in full force

The tears started before my car did

And by the time I was in my garage

The sky caved in

And so it happened 

Right there in that car

The hardest part

The hurt

That you ignore

That catches up 

Before you know

It came in torrents

It came in waves

At first I angered

Then there was protest

Then my plea

And then

When all was lost

And all fell apart

And I was decimated

And at last

I surrendered

To unabashed grief

And the wracking sobs

Had simmered down 

And even the whimper

Had subsided

And all that was left

Was a strange silence 

It found me...

The very deepest core

The very essence 

Of me-

In my darkest moment

It found me

My light

And so it is

Que sera sera

What will be

Will be

Sometimes

Sometimes 

When you are trying 

To hold on too tight

What you need to do 

Is just let go

And release

It all

And let the pieces fall 

Where they might

You may just break

A little 

Or a lot

You may just 

Altogether

Come undone 

But maybe that is 

Okay...

In order 

To grow

And 

To know

One must first 

Unlearn

The old

And learn

The new

So that 

One may

Renew

Redefine

And walk on

To being

A whole new

Even more authentic

And true 

You

It's just the way I feel... About you!

Your smile warms my heart

Your eyes make me melt

When you reach for my hands 

And hold me in your embrace

The world fades away 

And it's just me and you instead

I want to fall asleep in your world

And find my way into your dreams

Just so I don't miss you

Even for a bit

It's crazy I know

But it's just the way I feel

It's just the way I feel 

About you...

Turning points

Moments in time

That define

The who

The what

The how 

The when

Turning points

That direct

The next step

Him

I could smell him 

Before I even got there

His fragrance lingered

In the air

What madness! I thought,

My brain begot

And then I saw it

His token of love 

It sat there 

And stared at me

I stared right back and finally 

I picked it up

I inhaled 

His breath of love

He knew I would

When he breathed it out

I

love 

you

So much more...

Than three little words

Words he could not

Say to me

Yet he left them

Sitting there

Words he knows 

I know too well

Words of truth

Words that fell

Like kisses soft

In the night

Like laughter

Ringing in sound of songs

Words so true

They almost hung

In the air

Like Greensleeves

In refrain  

Justine's voice singing

For kisses in the rain 

So he left them sitting there

I

Love

You

So much more

Than three little words

I have no words

I have no words he said

No words to say 

Save all that I've said before 

And perhaps just a few words more

I thought he wished me farewell

And yet he said, "don't let me go..."

Whispered though it was

Hidden well between the lines 

There's fear there I thought

As I read through the lines

Enough fear to cripple the man

And yet no courage to claim 

So I sat and read

And understood 

More even than what was

Hidden deep between the lines

And so it goes

Some come and some go

Some have words and some don't 

Some are fighters some are not

Some live

Some only claim to

Some have heart

And some used to...

Haq and Hu

Haq- Truth

Hu- is

Reality is multi-layered and varies from person to person subjectively 

Truth is a constant

Happiness and sadness, both are fleeting and momentary. 

Anchor your life to either happiness or sadness and you expose yourself to the whims of externals.

Try to seek reality and you will always come up against the  subjective differences through with perception alters each individual's reality.

Truth however "is".

Truth is a constant.

"Is" is a constant. Momentary but nonetheless a constant. There are an infinite number of "is's" even in a moment. An "is" can stretch for an eternity.

Haq-truth-God-Allah-Hu-Is...

A constant 

In these moments of "is" if you are present and have clarity in your heart and soul and are free from the deceptive workings of  personality and perceptions you will encounter "truth"... Irrefutable TRUTH! Unaltered and untrained by fear, doubt, confusion and experience.

Truth simply is...

Haq-Hu

http://youtu.be/B8UeeIAJ0a0

Clean slate

Sometimes the world goes mad  

And war and death are everywhere

Sometimes those with heart

Get their hearts broken

And the pieces scatter here and there

In the carnage and devastation

They look around

Searching for all the remnants 

Of life, of love, of happiness

And they start to gather them up

Those with faith and hope will scavenge

Every last piece from the wreckage

In the aftermath they will sit

With patience and courage

And turn their insides to gold

Like the ore facing the furnace

They will burn for many moons

Suffering the transformation

Enduring the pain

Until it is time to rebirth

Like a Phoenix they will rise again

To another heaven

To a new day

To a new way

To a new hope

To a new love

They will find all that was lost

And it will be even better

Stronger and more refined 

Than what was before

And just like that 

The slate will be wiped clean again 

The path and the destination

I wondered

Are you the path 

Or my destination...?

What do you mean?

Well, sometimes 

Some people come along to help us resolve... They are like the path 

And then there is the destination.

Are you my path or my destination?

I don't know what I am for you

I just wondered if you are my path

Or my destination.

Can't the path lead to the destination?

Hmmm I hadn't thought about that-

Love without ownership

It's a beautiful thing

To love

And not seek to own

It is so human

To want to own

So trivial

Almost naive

To seek permanence

Life is impermanence 

It is so human to forget

This impermanence 

To seek to sooth 

The void 

The end

With the illusion

Of solid permanence

It is so strong

This thing called love

It can break down 

All walls

Love

---

And permanence seeks

To build 

And contain

What has been found

---

Love

It is boundless

This thing called love

It cannot be contained

In a vessel

Within a wall

---

It's love

It is a force 

That fights 

To be free

---

You cannot win 

You must surrender 

To love

---

It is a beautiful thing 

To surrender 

To love

To embrace 

The helplessness

Of love

---

To let go

The ego

And ownership 

And walls

---

Simply let love

Enter 

---

And love

And not seek 

To own

Or save 

A little for later

---

Like manna 

From heaven

Simply know 

It's love

And it will come 

Again 

Tomorrow

And again 

Tomorrow 

One must simply 

Surrender 

Labbaik!

Tonite out of slumber 

I heard him call 

My soul replied

Labbaik!

In this world of vampires

And drones

I wept

Labbaik!

In what is a dwelling

On my pallet I lay

On hard floor

Labbaik!

It means naught

Silver and gold

Jewels they hoard

Labbaik!

I seek my lord

And his will

And his work

Labbaik!

In the still of the night

He stirs my soul 

My lord

Labbaik!

Ordinary Human

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wKVatND8pwE&feature=youtu.be

"Emotions are something deeper... More primal than feelings..."

Ordinary humans are capable of "extraordinary" when those emotions are stirred.

If you find someone who can stir up something beautiful in you, take you to heaven and back with a look or a kiss, whose smell lingers and whose thoughts invade every corner of your mind, hold on to them. These people hold the keys to your particular heaven :)

The warrior

His face is stoic

His body rigid

In his icy demeanor

I can see him still

He calls me goddess

In his gentle eyes 

I see the softness 

He hides inside

On his lonely hilltop

He stands alone

His duty comes first

He cannot forego

Honor his motto

Steady his hand

But I see his heart crack 

A little inside

Yearning for warmth again

Once more to feel

More than words...

Ihttp://youtu.be/UrIiLvg58SY

His question-

...what would you do?...

More than words to show me

That your love for me is real...

My reply-

Look into your eyes

And let you see my soul

Listen as you speak

Understand

Your mistakes 

And not ever judge you

Give you a book to read

Or sneak you off for mint tea

Kiss you in your car

Write to tell you

I'm thinking of you

Hold your hand

Leave my scent lingering on your very being 

Hold you close 

And not let go 

Make you drop your weights at the gym

And then laugh with you

Be here when you come home

Home to me...

Be the place you can call home

---

I don't even know why-

I love you and I don't even know why-

There is no meaning or sense to it, 

No words 

No thoughts 

It's a love

That just loves

It can't be helped 

It does not even matter

If you loved me back

I love you

And that is so real

To me

It makes me weak

I don't know why

It spreads through my being

Breaking down every wall

I ever built

To keep love out

And love takes all

All of me

Lets me know

It's there

And there is no 

Control I have over it

All I can do

Is weep and accept

This love

I feel for you

And I don't even know why...

Why

I 

Love 

You

Love knows

The soul knows before the heart does

The heart knows before the mind will allow it to be recognized

The tongue denies it 

But can't help stating it

So it goes with love...

Love knows 

And wants to be known 

Moments

Sometimes you live life without a single memorable moment, and then-Sometimes there is a lifetime of memory in a single moment.

They are etched in your memory forever. 

You smile when you think of these moments and you play them over and over again in your mind and each time it puts a smile on your face...

In these moments you recall being present with all of you- your heart, your mind, your soul... and everything just seems to fit and click and feels beautiful and there is a happiness, a genuine happiness that you feel.

 

These moments feel almost like a memory because they remind you of something or someone or how you felt when you were with someone. Except that they feel better. They feel better because it's a fresh start. Something new. Something untainted by the hurts and the pains of the past. And they give you hope.

Moments of pure life. Moments you take a chance on being completely happy and actually allowing yourself to taste the happiness that you deserve, instead of letting them slip through. Moments that you never regret because you wanted that happiness. Because it was yours and you opened up to receive it...

Workout 

Mint tea

Conversation

And a kiss

A lifetime of memory in a moment

Life Strong-

I have been in fits of laughter because a certain someone suggested I try to lick my elbow...

The goofy part is I actually tried it and obviously failed but the trying is so much fun and so absolutely ridiculous it's pure joy! At one point I actually went in a complete circle spin trying it. And I was giggling hysterically at myself. I'm not much of a dog person but I suppose that's why those bloody canine beasts chase their tails!

After getting soaked to the skin in the exhilarating thunderstorm today the pure adrenaline rush makes me feel completely and intensely alive. The exquisite experience of the rain on my skin was as beautiful as life can get. 

Between that and laughter there isn't much more my soul could want...

My Bug's soft kiss goodnight, a smile on my face, and pure joy in my heart- 

There's Strong

There's Army Strong

And then there's Life Strong ;)

I think I'm getting to Life Strong 

One last glance

It's a funny thing,

This heart of mine...

It goes for the same thing 

Every time-

I laugh to myself

As I see it unfold

The same road

I've walked down before

And then just like that

It's lost it appeal

My latest fad

Just lost its shine

How interesting to behold

That old pattern

Run through so fast

And I can almost see each stage

And then in a blink

The trance breaks

And I am awake

And I see how futile is this thing

That for a second

Holds me captive

Like a drug

It's a rush-

Only now I'm smart...

I smirk

And turn back for one last glance

And then just walk away

Victory

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.

Friedrich Nietzsche- 

The struggle is real-

The price incredibly high

But the victory is "Owning Myself!"

And while a bruised and battered soul I am...

Yes sometimes frightened,

And very often lonely

---

I value my solitude

Know my strength

Respect my choices 

Stay true to myself

And quite frankly the price is worth every scar that brought me to this point!

I hold my head up high

Because I and no one else 

Are in ownership of me

Live out loud! 💀

Sometimes when the wind blows

You must dig your heels in

Tuck in your chin 

And weather the storm

The brave know this fact

The anxious fall apart

Life has it all

Laughter

Love

Agony

Adversity

Loss 

Success 

And so much more

Try not to get too attached to any of it

All are temporary-

Life is about living

That's right living is present tense

Be in your present state

Completely

Whatever that state may be

Live out loud!

The plight of the world

I find myself at times disgusted and at times overwhelmed because of the plight of the world...

Disgusted because I "expect"... (The devil of all emotions is that-expectation) a higher standard of conduct from a human. Overwhelmed because of the cognitive dissonance created in my mind as a result of the actual reality of this world and it's contradiction with my expectation.

I am in a bit of an existential dilemma here. Must one be devoid of all expectation? I am struggling with accepting the massacre of humans as a normal reality. While it is prudent to accept reality as it is, is it not criminal for me to accept this massacre? I am dealing with the reality that so many are already dead, but how is one supposed to deal with the reality that so many are still going to be dead because war wages on?

I have turned to spirituality and psychology and all state that balance comes from acceptance of our limits. But what if you wanted to push those limits? What if some of the limits we are expected to live in are the very ones that have allowed such carnage to perpetuate and grow.

I turn to Darwinism and the animal kingdom and what I see happening in the world is something WORSE than what happens in nature. In nature, survival of the fittest and natural selection are at least in balance and proportion.

In the homo sapien species a systematic process of elimination to the point of near extinction is being carried out. Psychologically speaking, a psychopathic breed of ruthless human is being steadily fed on the blood and flesh of the non psychopathic.

What happens in the end. What if all are eliminated except for the psychopaths?

Will they not turn on each other? They most assuredly will.

In the end the most bloodthirsty will remain and naught else.

It makes me a little less concerned with mundane things like wealth and social status. A lot more attuned to love and loved ones and the beauty surrounding me that is this life and the beautiful world we live in. There is a strange peace in that beauty and that understanding that brings some semblance of "acceptance".

If all is for naught, then I'd rather have loved than be rich. I'd rather have felt and expressed than held it all in. I'd rather have seen this beautiful earth and tasted life and lived... 

Truly 

LIVED

While I still have life-

For Bug- with love...

You'll be okay

My little bug

You're all bewildered

And confused

And this big world 

Before you looms...

But I know this

You'll be just fine-

You may struggle

And even fall

Win a thing or two

And sometimes lose

Get things right

And make some mistakes

Lose your way

And find it back

Get derailed

And crawl back on

But in the end

You will see

You will triumph

And be who you were 

Always meant to be

This I see

Because in you

I see courage

I see strength

I see talent

And wisdom...

All heaven sent

I see joy

And a heart so sweet

I see mischief

And playful tricks 

I see passion

And headstrong willfulness

I see defiance

And stubborn spirit

I see love

And vulnerability

I see anger

And forgiveness 

I see a maiden

Ready to blossom

I see her flexing her wings for flight-

And yet,

I see you hesitate 

Looking back my way

Somewhat fearful

Of what lies ahead

I see curiosity

And willingness to risk

To take that chance

Come what may

I see balance

And most of all-

I see you just need

To trust YOURSELF!

You will always have my love

You will NEVER be alone

When there is no one

You will still have YOU

And the big guy in the sky...

And so I know 

You'll be okay

I 

Love

You

How?

Tell me how...

To go about my day

To look the other way

To forget

The deaths 

The hunger

The pain

Show me how...

To silence the screams

In my head

The broken 

The dying

Keening and crying

Teach me how...

To turn this heart to stone

Not to worry

Or to mourn

The loss of life

Liberty

Freedom

How?

...

It dies

My soul...

If

I do

Please explain

HOW

You live

With this

And look

Away?

How

Can 

You

Look

Away

Live on

Forget

Them...

Yes

Them...

They who die

Still

In

Gaza

SouthWest & NorthEast

"SouthWest actually means something...what does NorthEast mean?" He asked

-it's a storm- I thought to myself

-a powerful wind, with a storm in tow

-it rages- I thought to myself

-a tempest, ready to blow-

In a world gone mad we crave love

The desire to live and taste life

Raw

Undiluted life

When blood flows freely and the wolves tear at flesh

The lovers want to fall 

Before they perish

To taste a kiss

To make love

To scream in ecstasy 

Before he comes

The grim reaper

At our doorstep

Rap rap rapping

Saying it's time to go

When terror prevails and justice is blind

When the criminal is king

And the innocent lie dead

The lovers want a taste of life

Before it's gone

And it is too late

A house will be rubble

Money lost in the wind

Things that we hoard

Naught will remain

When water is scarce

For what will you thirst?

When you toil at your desk

What have you really earned?

The lovers just want a place

A look

A touch

A kiss

A taste

Of life!

Before it's too late

South west means a lot, I know...

But...

A Nor'easter is a storm

Raw passion you know...

Unleash it 

Feel it

Let it run amuck

Fall into it

Let it break you

Accept it 

Let go

"The wound is where the light enters"

Said Rumi, you know...

In a world gone mad

The lovers are sane

In a world at war 

Make love, not hate

SouthWest is a dream

A desire

A need

NorthEast is the passion

That will get you there-

Surreal world

It feels surreal some days

The madness all around

Death all around

And yet it is life as usual

I awake

I work

I sleep

It feels surreal that I have water

And some don't

I turn off the tap and think a while

It feels surreal

This life I have 

I feel it as if for the first time

The air as I breath it in

Through my nose

The feel of fabric on my skin

And then it comes

This overwhelming rush of love

For life

For everyone and everything

And then after any rush comes the crash

I face my loneliness

It sure would be nice to have someone

But not just anyone

Someone who knows and understands

Love

And life

Someone true

Someone more than just someone

The one

On that note I stop

There is someone I seek

And I shall find

And when I do

I will know

Until then

There's love 

And life

And a world

So surreal

These songs of Freedom...

The saddest moment of my day happened at the end of today-

At the gym as I'm working out, (the gym.... The only place that keeps me sane these days), I got to talking with G, a  man who also works out there. 

He's a big guy, well built and towers over me. He talks to me with the utmost respect, does not hit on me and actually sees me as another human being and not a piece of meat.

Inside his chest beats a sweet and compassionate heart. He has the gentlest eyes and is very soft spoken. I  like G. I respect G. 

He sees me beasting it out and throwing weights around and he asks 

"why are you training so hard?"

I tell him I'm not training. I'm angering today, because of all the many things that are unjust. We get to the topic of #Ferguson and his brow furrows. 

"You know," he confides after he heard me rant for a bit,

 "I'm scared. Sometimes I see a cop on the road next to me and I'm scared and I think- oh shit, I hope he don't pull me over. I hope he don't think I'm bad and shoot at me if he pull me over."

I felt my eyes well up with tears.

You see, G is a black man...

"It's not right G." I tell him. "It's fucked up! You should not have to be scared" 

This beautiful, peaceful, sweet soul should NOT have to be scared. But he is-

Because we live in an age where despite all the progress we have made the insidious vibes of hatred and racism run deep. Where the concept of supremacy is based on the color of your skin.

"I'm so sorry," I say- "it's fucked up!"

"Don't be sad, I didn't mean to make you sad" he comforts me.

"I am sad, not because of you but because it's fucked up" I sniffle.

"You know you the only white person that asked me about it." He says after a while

"I'm not white G. I was born in Uganda. In Africa."

"For real?!" And he breaks into a smile...

"Yup yup" I smile back.

"You know what?" I say,

"It's red..."

He looks at me for a bit and then smiles. He gets it. 

"Yes it is. It is for sure!"

We say goodbye. 

It's red-

Blood!

 

Yours 

Mine 

G's

It's red...

No one's any better or superior-

But race is about divisions

Because divisions empower profiteers

Hatred is taught 

And learned 

I wonder why so many are SHEEPLE 

And don't get it?

How long will they kill our prophets

While we stand aside and look...?

Won't you help to sing

These songs of freedom...

They're all I ever had-

Redemption songs-

These songs of freedom 

No one is ever FREE until ALL of us are free.

Enough is enough. 

We have to stand up for freedom

For all

JUSTICE for all

So that a SHAIMA won't die in Gaza because she was born on the wrong side of town...

Nor a Mike Brown in Missouri

And a gentle, sweet man won't have to worry that he might be mistreated because his skin is darker than mine...

Won't you help to sing...

These songs of FREEDOM!

 

#justice4MikeBrown

#FreePalestine

For Gaza- For freedom!

I believe in what my heart feels and my soul speaks more than I believe in the words of con men-  

And my heart feels for Gaza and my soul screams for their Freedom!

"We teach life..." (Gaza)

Sumoud...

Steadfastness.

It has been a very difficult month. My heart has been bleeding since Gaza started bleeding. In one of my darkest moments of despair I write to Hanya-

"I am broken..."

She wrote back-

"You love them... They will feel your love..."

 

They have taught me how to live!

Gaza

Palestine

I want you to know

You do teach life!

You have taught me how to live...

Out of the implements of destruction you create art.

In the rubble you find treasures.

In darkness you brought light

Where there was only black and white and dust, you brought flowers.

When there was no chalk you wrote with your tears.

In the ruins of your home, you made another home...

You are the people of legends

You are the Phoenix rising from the ashes

...

You teach LIFE!

The little boy who held his daddy's glasses...

He can't be more than 4

The little boy

In tears

With his daddy's glasses

Clutched tightly in his hand

His other hand 

Gripping tight

His fathers shirt-

He looks up in fright 

His father lay

Silent.

Cold.

Still. 

In death!

The same repose

For his kin

His brother as well

Same silence

Same stillness

Same death

Untimely

Unnatural

Cold and cruel...

Unkind

The little boy

With nothing left

Except for his daddy's glasses

Only slightly bent

Clutched tightly

In his tiny hand

The little boy with his fathers glasses

For him tonight I wept

With him tonight I wept

He shall not go

Unknown by me

His story too

I shall tell

I once looked upon

The little boy who held

His daddy's glasses in his hand

The little boy from Gaza

The man with the broken child in his arms

I don't know their names, but I will not let them be just another number, just another statistic!

They have a story- each one of these humans...

I don't know their lives but I see the stories their faces tell me.

I will tell their story-

They haunt me, these beautiful faces. Their nobility and courage....They bring me to tears. My heart cracks open to receive them. 

This is the man with the broken child in his arms. His face says it all-

Utter disbelief!

He does not look at the child,

He cannot...

But he holds the child with such tenderness

His right hand circles the child's wrist

There is such love and shock

And loss...

He is lost

Him in the foreground

The child broken- gone...

Them in the background in ragged clothes

Barefoot 

One in the background with another wounded in his arms

In this world of dust and madness

Their life!

Their reality!

He is in my heart tonite, 

The man with the broken child in his arms

They all are

The bleeding, the broken...

The dying, the dead...

The living and grieving

My brothers 

My sisters

Whose blood 

Like mine

Is red-

The humans in Gaza...

The abyss

It's dark and confusing

In the abyss

It makes no sense

In the abyss

We breathe

We eat

We sleep 

In the abyss

We work

We fuck

We love

In the abyss

There's money

And power

And lies

In the abyss

There's music

And laughter

And sunshine

In the abyss

Some days it's warm

And some days it's cold

In the abyss

Some days we know

And some days we don't

In the abyss

I am lost

In the abyss

I see others

In the abyss

Some see me

And

Some don't

I see some

And

Some I don't 

In the abyss

It is confusing

Some want one thing

Some another

Some take 

And

Some give

In the abyss

I think the abyss 

Is inside of us

More so than us

Inside of it

Zoom in 

Zoom out

Try to capture 

The right frame

Does the abyss 

Consume us?

Or we it?

It's dark and confusing

In the abyss

There's light and laughter 

In the abyss

How can it be be dark

And yet there be light

But it is so...

How can there be light

And yet it's dark

But it is so...

This abyss

Confuses me

Am I dark? 

Or am I light?

Am I both?

Am I the abyss?

I think I am

Both dark

And light

I think am

The abyss

And it is I...

This abyss

Confuses me

But I feel

There's more

To you and I

Than this

Abyss...

I think there's more

Than truth and lies

Than light and dark

Than you and I

I think there's 

Us

And 

We

And not just

Me!

But I think

Too much

In the abyss