Sunday, February 21, 2010

random thoughts

do you feel empty?

no, on the contrary i feel full. when i was trying to control i felt empty. now when i have let go i feel full. i m not sure what the fullness is... i have to sift through the emotions within...

sort of let it wash over you, and include music

yes music is good

i don't know what i want so i never know how to find it

well don't look, just recognize
(The last time i felt this way- I walked on a beach with him- and it hit me, I am trying to live life on my terms....sometimes life won't let you. Sometimes you just have to go with life. Float along. Life on life's terms...)

Letting go is the hardest part
But it is the first step for everything

Unless you let go, do you ever live?
Unless you let go, do you ever love?
Unless you let go, are you ever happy?
Unless you let go, do you ever succeed?

Let go...
And live

Approaching 32-

As the clock ticks on...
And 32 draws near
I sit lost in thought and look back on life lived thus far

What is that beast?
Self created
A state of being
A feeling

Am I happy?
I have been
I can be
But lately I have not been taking responsibility for my own happiness.
I have lived an "accidental" existence far too long
It is time I take charge of my own happiness and go seek it, take it, make it mine

What is it?
Am I free?
I am from time to time
And then I fall into the abyss of self defeat
And self created chains and shackles
When I seek to control
That is when I lose control
So I have decided to simply

Let it go
Let him go
Let love go
Let stuff go
Let everything go

If it comes- it comes
It it's mine- it's mine
If it's not- it's not
If it is- it is...

And so today
I feel free
I also feel achy
I feel lost
I feel sad
I feel I shall begin to accept
I feel in time
What will be will be
And it will be what it is
And that will be okay...

The hardest part
Yet the beginning of a non accidental existence
Step 1- accept
Step 2- breathe
Step 3- live
Step 4- repeat

And thus, shall I seek to live-
My 32nd year

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Dear Friend

For your sweet words
Of encouragement
For the times
That we share
For star gazing
For the simple things
Like the wisdom
Of love
Found in a Hershey bar
For restoring hope
And standing close by
Giving me space
And staying by my side
For showing me
As seen through your eyes
For understanding
For writing
For listening
Without the need for words
For laughter and tears
For shared thoughts and fears
Thank you in short
For being my friend

Friday, February 19, 2010

Staring at cars- today

Stood by the roadside today
Staring at all the cars go by
Held my breath
With hope kept alive
And a steady vision of love by my side
And wished with all my might
That you would pull up by my side
But truth spoke up and said
Does not live here today
Why keep hope alive?

Stood now with my back to the road
Ashamed that someone might see the tears
That fell from my eyes
And with each set of headlights that passed me by
Wished with all my heart
That the light of my love
Would drag you to my side
And all the while
I kept love alive
But the moon taunted my love light
And said
Does not live here today
Why keep love alive?

Stood by my window and watched
My dreams drive away
Called you up and asked
"Where are you today?"
And you replied
"I am at the movies today..."
And I broke down and cried
Because all the while
I kept my dreams alive
And today
You called me a liar
A gamer you said-
Don't live here today
Why keep dreams alive?

Stood alone once the phone died
All the cars gone now
Just me and my roadside
Hope lost
Love lost
Dreams lost
All lost...
Just me by the roadside
Thought back to the words
"I love you"- you said
Where is the love
I cannot feel by my side
Where are the things I want you to give
Why can I not
Have you just for me
Why all the friends, the girls and the breaks
Where is the love
Why am I not enough
Just like I was
Just simply because
Just like at the cabin
Just the other day...
But the phone looked back at me and said
Just does not live here today
Why keep just alive?

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


A lifetime before you
Opportunity abounds
Options and visions
Questions and thought
Night time benign
Wonder aground
Have you the courage
And faith my dear,
To jump up and soar
Or fall down

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Starry Night

Glistening splendor
Of yonder light
Dressed in diamonds
The lady night
Graceful maiden
Lonesome beauty
Gazed upon her lovely face
Bright eyed child of woman kind
Laughed for joy
In delight ecstatic
Danced upon her nimble toes
Eyes look upward
Heart in flight
Wings to soar with
This starry night

(In memory of tonight- the grace and beauty of the sky- the joy and wonder inspired by it)

In the winter of love


Snowflakes falling down
Cold, majestic, simple, truth
Inhale acceptance

Monday, February 15, 2010

The cure for pain

The cure- ?

Feeling it all
Living through it
Being in it
Being with it
Being it

Easy- ?

Far from it, in fact

I'm still breathing though- Ask me tomorrow
For now the water just keeps falling from my eyes (in my heart)
When the water just starts falling from my eyes (in truth)
Healing will begin

For now- I'm just breathing in...

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Valentines Day-

A day for love?

But what is love?

"Love- Shitty, painful, exhilarating. Imagine your whole life wrapped up in a single moment. I don't think love lasts....People generally cannot keep their legs closed or their dick in their pants! That's why love does not last. Everyone wants to date. Can't you see that everyone is getting married. Everyone wants to love and be loved. But it doesn't last. Maybe that is why I hate Hooters girls! It is because they represent the puppets controlled by dirty old men!" (Love according to Thomas Clough)

"Love- an eternal thirst. It goes away for a second but it comes back ... the very thirst is the basis of existance of love. That thirst is programed to stay so that u may keep searching for it and that thirst is the ultimate savior of the human soul, that very thirst leads the soul to its origins, and that when the true love takes place- i dunno!" (Love according to Raheel Mansoor)

"Love-A chemcical reaction in the" (Love according to Candace Gorham)

"Love- hubby says love is BS! Love is not only looking at each other but looking in the same direction- in my dictionary" (Love according to Tehniat Haider)

"Love- is about letting go... Deepak Chopra"

"Love- It is never ending pain with quickly ending life. (Love according to Waqqas Kayani)

"Love- everything u want it to be. (Love according to Susanne Chapman)

"Love- Love is imagination. Love is intoxication. Love isn't valentine. Love is the ability to care- and surprising yourself. (Love according to Naila Azam)

LOVE according to Websters Dictionary

love  [luhv] noun, verb, loved, lov⋅ing.
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. (initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13. Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.
14. a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.
–verb (used with object)
15. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
18. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
19. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
20. to have sexual intercourse with.
–verb (used without object)
21. to have love or affection for another person; be in love.
—Verb phrase
22. love up, to hug and cuddle: She loves him up every chance she gets.
23. for love,
a. out of affection or liking; for pleasure.
b. without compensation; gratuitously: He took care of the poor for love.
24. for the love of, in consideration of; for the sake of: For the love of mercy, stop that noise.
25. in love, infused with or feeling deep affection or passion: a youth always in love.
26. in love with, feeling deep affection or passion for (a person, idea, occupation, etc.); enamored of: in love with the girl next door; in love with one's work.
27. make love,
a. to embrace and kiss as lovers.
b. to engage in sexual activity.
28. no love lost, dislike; animosity: There was no love lost between the two brothers.
See images of love
bef. 900; (n.) ME; OE lufu, c. OFris luve, OHG luba, Goth lubō; (v.) ME lov(i)en, OE lufian; c. OFris luvia, OHG lubōn to love, L lubēre (later libēre) to be pleasing; akin to lief

1. tenderness, fondness, predilection, warmth, passion, adoration. 1, 2. Love, affection, devotion all mean a deep and enduring emotional regard, usually for another person. Love may apply to various kinds of regard: the charity of the Creator, reverent adoration toward God or toward a person, the relation of parent and child, the regard of friends for each other, romantic feelings for another person, etc. Affection is a fondness for others that is enduring and tender, but calm. Devotion is an intense love and steadfast, enduring loyalty to a person; it may also imply consecration to a cause. 2. liking, inclination, regard, friendliness. 15. like. 16. adore, adulate, worship.

1, 2. hatred, dislike. 15, 16. detest, hate.

"LOVE- A deeply intense emotion, often experienced reflexively- in that one cannot control who and what one will love. It gives you wings to fly when you are accepted and it is reciprocated- It hurts like a bitch when not and when it is lost!
Something about love and being in love makes all the colors brighter, all the tastes sweeter, all the Highs higher,all the great better! Felt consumingly, obsessively, completely or not at all.... (Love according to Me...)

Saturday, February 13, 2010


Stood outside
In the dead of night
Watching the snowflakes fall

Looked up
Into the sky
Felt them on my face and hands

Closed my eyes
In awe and wonder
At the beauty all around

Strangely happy
Peaceful even...
All aware, accepting now

The starry night
The fluffy snowflakes
Winter wonderland abounds

I looked and saw
A gnarled tree- gray and stark
Gently softened by the snow

Like silent angels
The snowflakes fell
Covered me in peace and beauty

Like that gnarled tree
I stood still in acceptance
Gently softened by the snow

Snowflakes falling
In the dead of night
Thoughtful wanderer by the moonlight

Friday, February 12, 2010


Fought the feeling
And the thought
Of you

It came unfettered
It came uninvited
It came
Just because...

Just like love
Just because...

Held my breath
Tried to breathe
Felt the sting of tears
Behind glassy eyes

Just because...

Listened to "Today"
Yet one more time- today...
The haunting melody
Soothing in its truth
Cold in the realization
Harsh in the pain
The awareness

And I am aware
Just because...

Gave up the pretense
Of courage
Attempting to work
Gave in

Just because...

And sat and cried

Just because...


Today you were far away
and I didn't ask you why
What could I say
I was far away
You just walked away
and I just watched you
What could I say

How close am I to losing you

Tonight you just close your eyes
and I just watch you
slip away

How close am I to losing you

Hey, are you awake
Yeah I'm right here
Well can I ask you about today

How close am I to losing you
How close am I to losing

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Love Said to Me

I worship the moon.
Tell me of the soft glow of a
candle light
and the sweetness of my moon.

Don't talk about sorrow,
tell me of that treasure,
hidden if it is to you,
then just remain silent.

Last night
I lost my grip on reality
and welcomed insanity.
saw me and said,
I showed up.
Wipe you tears
and be silent.

I said, O Love
I am frightened,
but it's not you.
Love said to me,
there is nothing that is not me.
be silent.

I will whisper secrets in your ear
just nod yes
and be silent.

A soul moon
appeared in the path of my heart.
How precious is this journey.

I said, O Love
what kind of moon is this?
Love said to me,
this is not for you to question.
be silent.

I said, O Love
what kind of face is this,
angelic, or human?
Love said to me,
this is beyond anything that you know.
Be silent.

I said, please reveal this to me
I am dying in anticipation.
Love said to me,
that is where I want you:
Always on the edge,
be silent.
You dwell in this hall of
images and illusions,
leave this house now
and be silent.

I said, O Love,
tell me this:
Does the Lord know you are
treating me this way?
Love said to me,
yes He does,
just be totally…
totally… silent

Tuesday, February 9, 2010


If I could paint it
I'd paint a bright blue ocean
I'd paint in your smile
And that would be the sunshine
I'd paint in raccoon eyes
A shark and a pirate flag
I'd paint in a dance
I'd paint in a walk
I'd paint in some fireworks and loving by the side
I'd paint in the comfort
Of lying in your arms
I'd paint in the joy of a toss in the air

I'd paint in the laughter
Of "where's the jelly twat?"
I'd paint in the nothing fights of
Coffee ordered HOT
I'd paint up some tea
I'd paint in some toast
I'd paint in some turkey
At the Honey Bear Lodge
I'd paint in a geek
I'd paint in some songs
I'd paint in your singing
I'd paint in some fighting
I'd paint in loving
I'd paint in heartache
And heartbreak
And love
If I could paint us....

Monday, February 8, 2010

How is loving done?

In a sure state of calm
In the midst of the turmoil
In the vision of the truth
In the blindness of guise
In the bliss of contentment
In the muck of discontent
In the surety of now
In the question of tomorrow
In the certainty
In uncertainty
In loss
In anger
In pain
In joy
In happiness
In sadness
In hurt
In betrayal
In LOVE loving done...

Friday, February 5, 2010


Of mirrors and microscopes
And ill favored games
Of lies and truths
And oft remembered names

Of changes and hang ups
And irritations wide
Of questions and questions
And uproar inside

Sit by the fireside
Weave me a spell
Into the crystal ball
Gaze deep and tell

I long to stand still
I long to run
I long and I long
I run to stand still