My office music these days---

Buddha Bar VI-

The Alkemyst



Slow Train- Naturally



Whatever Lola Wants



Touch And Go-Straight to Number One



Cantoma Essarai



Cellar 55- Por-do-Sol



Ryukyu Underground - Kanasando-Rebirth Remix



Ganga- Chair

Labyrinth--

Life's journey... convoluted, complex, confusing, and yet so beautiful and precious. The concept of the labyrinth is a part of many spiritual traditions, said to be reflective of one's journey through life and time. As we grow, as we learn, as we hurt and as we heal we are in a constant state of movement toward becoming the self that we are meant to be- Arriving at a place we are destined for. But that is not to say that we do not have choices to make. Choices exist. And difficult ones at that. Sometimes we make the right ones...sometimes we make the wrong ones. And through the making we arrive at learning and growth. But between the choice, the making of it and the growth lies a vast chasm- of awareness, pain, glory, acceptance. That is the labyrinth.

At the center lies the awareness. We finally become aware of the what, the which, and the who... That is the turning point and we must choose and we must decide. Beyond that lies the acceptance and the journey back to the beginning which is in fact the end or vice versa.

Labyrinths are often mistaken for mazes. A labyrinth is not a maze. It is not a puzzle. It is merely a path. A convoluted, often confusing path... but it only goes one way. Things are not always as they seem in a labyrinth. In fact things are not always as they seem in life. Yet metaphorically or not, the labyrinth is what we must decide to walk, IF we actively seek our destiny.

I watched Bowie's labyrinth when I was younger. I fell in love with the movie and with Bowie too... I have always had a weakness for musicians and bad boys and he epitomized both. I learned myself through that movie when I was a teen... I watched it tonight with my daughter--

We both watched and learned our own little lessons. She her 9 year old ones...me my 31 year old ones... It is fascinating how most complex life situations are in fact combinations of the simplest ones. I blundered through them all, in my head while watching Bowie's labyrinth, tripping up and stumbling along life's journey and arriving at truths and strengths heretofore untapped. I couldn't help but notice how Bowie's labyrinth has a lot in common with Pan's labyrinth (another one of my favorite movies by the way...) and in watching I learned... and in learning I became aware. Through awareness I accepted. Now comes the part where I turn around and walk back to the end which is in fact the beginning. Of a new life journey, a new story, a new horizon, a new me....

But self awareness is a lengthy process. It does not come fast and it does not come easy. As I had stated once before. There is the me I was... and the me I am to be... and in between is no man's land. And the no man's land is the journey. The no man's land is the labyrinth. The labyrinth is discovering and discovery means the me is blurry. For the moment at least, I am blurred. But I am a seeker and I am seeking and yes... oh yes... I am finding...

It comes slowly but it comes.

Learning.
Awareness.
Understanding.
Acceptance.
Growth.
And lastly...
Peace.
And a quiet mind and spirit.

That is my mecca.
That is my destination.
I have been there before.
I shall find it again.

It comes in little spurts.
It may not last long.
But every time it lasts a little longer.

And the journey...it is the best part...because that is where life happens.

Happiness is not a destination. It is merely the surprise along the way... And it happens when you least expect it- as long as you are open to it. As long as you don't expect to hold on too tight, or too long... Happiness happens everyday...

And even as the world falls down (as it often does- so many times in a single lifetime) As the pain sweeps through...makes no sense for you- Every thrill has gone...And even though my heart has been such a fooled heart...And even as the world falls down...

I will stand again, I will live again, I will love again- One day...





There's such a sad love
Deep in your eyes, a kind of pale jewel
Open and closed within your eyes
I'll place the sky within your eyes

There's such a fooled heart
Beating so fast in search of new dreams
A love that will last within your heart
I'll place the moon within your heart

As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gone
Wasn't too much fun at all
But I'll be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down
Falling
(As the world) Falling down
Falling in love

I'll paint you mornings of gold
I'll spin you Valentine evenings
Though we're strangers till now
We're choosing the path between the stars
I'll lay my love between the stars

As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gone
Wasn't too much fun at all
But I'll be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down
Falling
(As the world falls)
Falling
Falling
As the world falls down
Falling
Falling
Falling
Falling in love
As the world falls down
Falling
Falling
Falling
Falling in love
As the world falls down
Makes no sense at all
Makes no sense to fall
Falling
As the world falls down
Falling
Falling
Falling in love
As the world falls down
Falling
Falling
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love

What and which and who-

How can you get very far if you don't know who you are?
How can you do what you ought if you don't know what you have got?
And if you don't know which to do
Of all the things in front of you
Then what you will have when you are through
Is just a mess without a clue
Of all the best that can come true
If you know what and which and who

That's it, he said leaning back and closing his eyes.

(Winnie-the-pooh)
(A.A. Milne- The World of Pooh)
(My favorite bear of all time and my first book...)

Meaning of life

Laugh- a lot...
Live- like there is no tomorrow...
Love- with every fiber of your being...
Give- of yourself everyday...
Forgive- everyone...
Forget- all the bad...
Learn- from everyone and everything...
Enjoy- the simple things...

And last but not least find something to be grateful for everyday-

(oh! and read life a la shahnaz regularly to add more meaning to your days :P)

tee...hee...hee...

Love n Liberte

Actually this is one of my favorite ones from Gypsy Kings! I love them BTW-

I actually danced to this one night after dinner, under the stars, on a weekend trip in the mountains-

Passion!

Autobiography in 5 short chapters-Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

mar jawan-

Aroma-

Paper Roses
A painting in pain
A walk in a park
Where I found my solace
A smile at a wedding
That hid the fact
The man I love
Is married today...
A reflection in a window
And I burst into tears
As I realized that
There never was
Up for view
A picture of you
Of me with you
A captured moment
A victory of mine
Photographed
By a lost love of mine
All put together
By a man
Who loved me then
And loves me still
And yet
He loves in vain....
As I love in vain...
For love such as this
Is ever
Unrequited.
And yet there is
My treasured angel
And I sob some more in vain
As I ponder
Yet again
The irony
The irony
Of life
My life
Of love
My love
In vain...

For we exist
But to make sport
For the gods
Who toy with us
Sometimes
Mercilessly

Yes
"Aroma"
How aptly named
How a fragrance
Can linger still
How can aroma
Last until
Forever and ever
Has come and gone
And yet your scent
Can linger still...

You know what I mean...
You know what I mean...

Aye dil---

Yup I'm in an old song state of mind...

memories....

I never thought I'd be one who could relate to the achy breaky heart feeling of these old melodies...

The poetry is beautiful and the sentiments too tender and situations too unfair...

When younger, I would sit with my elders and soak up the melodies as they listened to these... every now and then I 'd catch a moist eye and a look that spoke of a memory that still haunted... I see knowing glances exchanged as a heartbroken soul recognized another and yet I never actually "felt" the music...

Never until today-

I listened to a Lata-Mukesh CD today and felt...sigh... felt the music...

mera kuch sa'maan....

woh waday
woh yadain
woh batain
woh ratain

kaisay bhulayain
kaisay lutain
kaisay sulain

woh yadain
woh waday
woh ankhen

kaisay sulain
woh ankhen
kartee hai
jo talaash
ussay...

kaisay lutain
woh samaan tumhain...?

kaisay jorain
bikhray khud
ko hum?

woh hissa khud ka
jo tumharay paas reh gaya
kaisay waapis
wusul karain hum?

New Found Friends...

"I pray that you always keep climbing no matter how steep the slope gets...."

A new bloggie mate is a joy forever!
That has ever been my philosophy...
See my bloggie mates seek me out because they can relate to my writing...
I write what I feel and think and they read and understand.

There is a very delicate balance of understanding, awareness, mutual respect, gratitude, a sharing of thoughts and ideas that occurs with my bloggie mates. That is the joy of blogging. Finding those gems of people, heretofore strangers, who become so close simply because they can understand and relate.

I have found many kindred souls through the blogosphere. And they have become very good friends. They give me gifts from time to time. Priceless treasures that mean more than I can ever express. I don't like worldly things as gifts.... They give me no happiness.

But these little nuggets of pure kindness- they are simply priceless.

"I pray that you always keep climbing no matter how steep the slope gets...."

Now this, this is truly a gift for a lifetime!

Thanks...

Feelings are like baby birds--

The hardest thing for me these days is sitting with my feelings... They overwhelm at times-

I knew I was someone who had shut off my feelings and I have been aware of that for a long time...It isn't a good thing, turning off feelings but in my case it has been a defense mechanism. If I had felt, I would be be flooded with it all and some days the all is too much to bear... and yet it comes- that day of flooding...it comes...and since I no longer fight and hold back my feeling...

For me one such day was today-

The hardest thing I ever did in life was tell my child that her dad and I would no longer be together- her pain was crippling to watch. It ripped my heart to shreds. I still remember her face and the way her little body tightened up in despair. That memory is forever etched in my soul...

My little one spends half her summer with her father, and it is a difficult time for me- to be without my angel...

She came to visit today- and we went out to dinner at Ruby Tuesday... The chef there prepares a special pasta for us, the sonora chicken pasta! It is no longer on their menu but it is a fabulous dish and we request it, in a charming manner, and he always obliges. We have our raspberry teas. We have our spinach and artichoke dip. To end we have their cheesecake with the raspberry topping. It is a jolly old time...

I enjoy watching my little ray of sunshine. I love seeing her grow and bloom into a bright and talented young lady. She never ceases to amaze me with her wit, her intelligence, her charm and charisma...

Today-




Dinner:-
Today at dinner she was doodling on the kids menu, and I looked on, amazed as she answered a quiz. The question asked, "what kind of music was the electric guitar first used for?" Truth be told I was ignorant of the answer... and I cheated and glanced at the back of the menu when Bubba was not looking...and then watched amazed as my pride and joy, thought for a second and with a flourish wrote down "jazz"! It was the right answer...






"Every summer I get a fluttery feeling mommy..."

"tell me about this fluttery feeling"

"It is a feeling that I know I am going to be missing my mommy and my daddy when I am here or there and I get it everyday only sometimes I forget it when I am having fun but then it usually comes back in the evenings..."

"It is hard I know....I understand..."


Movie:-
She will be flying to NYC for Father's day with her dad and step mom. She is very excited about cling up the statue of liberty and seeing Mary Poppins on Broadway... This is all the gossip we share over the Bratz movie we are watching while cuddling on the couch. It is a happy time. I love the smell of her and at the same instant I am thinking this...she says,

"I missed your smell mommy!"

I hug her close...




Bedtime:-
She talks nonstop, my little duckie. She started babbling and talking at 9 months and has not stopped since. Whenever I mutter about it under my breath, she retorts with,

"Well can you blame me... I get it from you!"




And in all honesty, that leaves me dumbstruck because the gift of gab, she does indeed get from me!

She is talking about stuff and her wish and desire is to be a vet. She tells me,

" I was telling my daddy and step mom that I want to be a vet so bad but I am sometimes scared that I will fail and become a janitor!"

And she pauses for a second...

"You didn't laugh mommy...daddy and step mom thought it was funny and it made them laugh..."

I say,

"Baby, the way you said it is funny but I know you can achieve whatever you decide to do. I did not laugh because I know you will not fail at what you set out to do. I know how talented and accomplished and smart you are."

"How do you know mommy?"

"How did you know the answer to that question about the jazz music and electric guitar?"

"Well I know what an electric guitar sounds like and I listen to jazz music with you so I figured it out!"

"That is how I know baby... you know how to put information together and figure things out! I did not know the answer to that... but YOU did! I think that is awesome..."

"You know who else would think it is awesome mommy?"

And my heart sinks and I hold my breath and count to ten...

"--- would think it is awesome too! You should call and tell him!"

I am silent. Speechless... as I debate a very difficult choice... and at last I say...

"--- and I do not talk a lot these days. We are not as good friends as we used to be..."

"Did you two break up your friendship?"

I am speechless again... I take a deep breath....

"Yes we did."

And I watch her little face illuminated by the nightlight and look on helplessly as it crumples up and she starts to cry...

I pull her close and ask,

"Why are you crying baby?"

"I don't know.... my heart feels so sad all of a sudden..."

I am struggling with the spears and daggers that each tear of hers feels like to my own heart as I hold her close and comfort her, searching desperately for words the right words, saying little motherly prayers in my head for wisdom and strength and some divine guidance to come to me so I can help this little broken heart in my care....

I give her the spiel about how all feelings are okay and that sadness and tears are like the rain and after rain comes sunshine but I know I am faltering.... and so is she....

"Even though we are not going to be very great friends anymore, you can still be friends and talk like you two used to...talk to me what are you thinking..." I say...

"I am thinking what you two said to each other to stop being friends and breaking up..."

"Sometimes people just are not meant to be friends baby. And sometimes grownups can also realize that they are not good friends..."

"like daddy and you?"

"Like daddy and me... isn't your daddy happy with step mom?"

"yes"

"well he was not very happy when he was with me and I was not very happy...if daddy had stayed with me he would never have been happy...but because he left, he can be happy with someone else and that makes him a happy daddy and happy daddies make BETTER daddies right?"

"yes"

"so it is okay for people to leave when they are not happy somewhere because then they can be happy somewhere else..."

"Will --- still want to talk to me even though I come from you and you two are not friends... will he still like me even though he does not like you anymore?"

More darts to my heart.... where does my little sweetheart get her thoughts and ideas and how much does her little heart feel and that sweet little head think, I wonder in anguish....

"Yes, baby, because people like you for who YOU are not who I am...."

"Can a grown up ever want to be friends with a kid?"

I am reminded of my own past... I am reminded of my own childhood struggles and confusions and I want soooooo desperately to help and protect my kid from the hurts of the world and I know I have to let her experience life on her own.... but that is a hard lesson to learn, for me! She faces so many challenges. She deals with the loss of her family... and it all hits home for me- hits home HARD!

"My head hurts mommy... it feels tight and there is a tension in there..."

"Speak to me baby, tell me how it feels"

"I cannot make the words come out. I cannot make them come out. I want to but the feeling is stuck and I am keeping it in and I cannot make it come out"...

My heart screams in pain for my kid now and I utter another prayer for wisdom and then it comes... the wisdom...

Feelings are like baby birds:-





"Feelings are like baby birds... meri jaan...they are all acceptable...like the little baby bird you rescued...you cannot fight them... you just have to hold them...gently...kindly... like little baby birds...you cannot fight them..."

"The baby bird kept fighting me..."

"yes but you did not fight it did you? You held it gently...close to you...and what did you say?"

"I did hold it gently and not fight it...what a nice way to make me think of my feelings...I said it is okay...I am here...I will not leave you...I will take care of you...It is okay..."

"Your feelings are like that baby...hold them close...take care of them...they are okay...it will be okay..."

"Hold me close Mommy"

"I'll hold you close, and you hold your baby birds close, and your baby birds hold all your feelings close..."

"What a nice way to think about my feelings mommy...I feel so happy and peaceful instead of sad..."

"yes baby, when you accept your feelings... there is peace...and peace is better than fighting the feelings... you should hold your fluttery feeling like a baby bird too..."

"I want --- to call me regularly and for us to talk like we used to, you know when he would call randomly and make me laugh..... he gave me really big laughs... he was a good friend and I liked him..."

"I'll call and ask him to call you when you want to talk baby...do you want to talk now?"

"No... I feel tired and all funny..."

I hold her close until she falls asleep, and then I leave her room and fall apart...

If my heart were a jazz guitar today, my heartstrings are broken...

The hardest thing for me these days is sitting with my feelings... They overwhelm at times-

Babar's gift--

My dear friend Babar (Babbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar!!!) gave me my very first book of FAiz Ahmed Faiz's shairy- and inside it he inscribed these beautiful verses

"acha hai kay aql hai pasban-e-dil...
laikin issay kabhi tanha bhi chor do..."

Aaj kal main nay apnay dil kay uppar say aql ki zanjeerain hatta dee huween hain...

And it is quite fluttery journey-
A journey that led to this particular creation---


--Kabhi taqleef hoti hai
aur kabhi hairat...
Kay tuut jaanay kay baad bhi
dil ussay kitna chahta hai!

Kabhi pareshan hoti hun
aur kabhi hairan...
Kay bhikarnay kay bawajood
kitni sambhli huwi hun mai

Kabhi khushi hoti hai
aur kabhi udaasi...
Kay kismaton kay khel
ka kya sawad hai...

kabhi karwa aur kabhi meetha
kabhi khatta aur kabhi pheeka

aye zindagi
teray anjam par rona aya
aye zindagi
teray khel par
hans bhi parhay hum

kya gham kay
aaj dil hai tuuta
kya gham kay aaj
khayaal hai bikhra
kya lutf kay
aaj bhi zikr
hai tera
kya zulm kay
magar ab ishq
tu nahi mera

dil nay tujh say
nata tor daala
na hai kubul
aaj tu hamain
magar is dil ka kya
bay kubul ko bhi
bhula na saka...

hai zindagi
kya anjaam hai tera
sitam zareefi
kay kisa-e-tamaam
hai tera...

The Gooster at Chilli's--

It all started with my office-

I need to decorate my office see, and so I was on the hunt for an office chair (I need one really bad! The one I have at the office just sucks!!) So I called Rebbecca and asked her to join me in my decorating hunt. She came over right away and off we went to Walmart- home of cheap stuff!

Well the thing is, it was already 8pm by the time we got there... and we finally found the office chairs- problem is they were up on a shelf, at least the assembled ones were. Now HOW is one to buy an office chair without actually having sat in one???

LOGIC! Right...?

So this is what a "Shahnaz" moment is, ladies and gentlemen... pay very close attention now...

I climbed up the shelf! YES INDEED!

And sat in them all...with poor Rebbecca alternating between fits of laughter, prayers for my safety, and scolding in a most mother hen like manner!!!!
A few curious (and cute to boot) gentlemen passed by the aisle and gave me some VERY curious glances. One winked and one stopped to ask me out- ACK!!

I know... I was in fits of laughter by this time too... and according to Rebbecca I looked glowy-like because of all the laughing....

...sigh... it was quite a spectacle!

So anyway back to the chairs... I sat in them all. They increased in comfort as the price range went up! I have my eye on a beautiful black leather one...

But Rebbecca tells me they are on sale at the Office Depot! So after we had asked the nice man who asked me out- to help put the chair I wanted in the cart, we doozied on to the artsy fartsy stuff....

No GO!

Nothing was my style. Very run of the mill stuff... I looked at a few lamps and a water fountain and then decided that Target may be a better buy!

We abandoned the cart near the plants and silk flowers and things and made our way to Target via some very inner city roads that I will NEVER find again because they were short cuts that Becks knows and I do not!!

Anyway, we get to Target and we are giggling over our girly chit chat- She likes my new hairstyle. She says the red suits me as does the cut!

"I could never pull off Red" she says
"I'm too nice for it!!!"

"Oh and I'm not nice??" I ask indignant

Lots of laughter from the both of us...

"No, what I mean is it's a feisty color!"

"I'm a feisty Shahnaz!"

"I know you are".....

So we get into the store and right there in front of me is this gorgeous, flowy, chiffon, beach wrap dress!!! That's it.

All chairs and offices are forgotten momentarily as I scoop it up and head into the changing rooms to see if it fits- It does...

This precipitates a beach trip plan, and off we go to find flip flops and stuff... and pretty soon a record player catches my eye- yes a record player!! I just got an autographed record from Fool's Gold- an awesome Afro Funk band that I heard recently on my trip to San Francisco to visit JB!

The band's bass player got it signed by the band for me and even invited us back stage- JB and Aamer were spoil sports and did not want to go backstage, until they saw the groupies..., but that is a different story! Anyway, by the time they got a peek of the backstage crowd, Sila was on and wild horses would not drag me backstage at that point 'cos I love Sila's music! I heard him once when I as in Kenya- (PS- I have his autographed CD too!)

Anyway... where was I? Oh yeah the record player... Well, I almost get that but then Rebbecca comes to show me these new "Wisp" mini tooth cleaning kits.

Now have any of you seen the Wisp advertisements??

I burst into laughter and tell her that here is no way in hell I am going to kiss her even if she does have Wisps! So we get into this whole rigmarole of play acting and tomfoolery and are having this entire conversation (me in my Eastern European accent) and we get to the next aisle, and there is this middle aged man standing there, who has been listening to everything.... and his jaw is on the floor!
I turn red as a tomato! Becks and I burst into laughter and we run off as fast as we can until we get to the Eiffel Tower!

Yes Target sells these nifty little Eiffel Tower replicas!

"Ooooooooh" I say,

"I can do a Paris theme for my office!"

"I can frame my black and white Paris photos, and put up my paintings from there and it'll look so chic!"

Thus the theme of my office evolves!

So momentarily forgotten is the beach trip, and the kiss, and we are back on track to office shopping...

We pay and head out and then we get hungry!

And this is where it happens! Right there is Chilli's!

Ironically I have eaten at Chilli's only once. And that was with the said man who most recently broke up with me! So I get all mopey and dopey and Rebbecca insists we need to eat there because she wants the southwestern egg rolls and so do I!

Anyway, we get in, get seated, and she needs to run to the loo! Stay away from the phone, she warns me.... do NOT text him while I am gone! I do so anyway to let him know I am at Chilli's...

I am mid texting when our waiter shows up and says something that sounds rather odd!

"Excuse me?" I say...

And he repeats himself... and I finally understand the man! I don't know if it was the state I was in while texting the guy, or what, but it is a rather hilarious situation because he sounded like gibberish! I kid you not!! And I say so- and the waiter, good natured soul, laughs too and we get things sorted out and the order is placed!

Anyway Rebbecca returns and after venting my misery and hearing her bliss at Antonio, the Romanian guy she is seeing, we sit and sigh for a moment until she pulls out the Wisps to show them to me again! So I declare most self righteously that I refuse to kiss her no matter how many Wisps she's got!! Our waiter returns just at that moment and it is quite a scene as we burst into laughter at the poor man's face! We explain the joke... he is most intrigued and stays to chat. He is Matt, from Greece and he confides that we are his most funny customers of the day and he is grateful for fun and laughter!

So back to the Wisps! The commercial for them is rather cool... and when Matt returns, we show them to him and we have quite a conversation of the pros and cons of the nifty little things! We are quite the entertainment of all the diners around us by now!

Anyway, our girly chit chat continues with both Rebbecca and myself talking about stuff...

-not to each other
-not with each other

but just talking...,

This, dear folks, is the quintessential "fireplace" dialogue and one of the primary modes of Beck's and my communication.

She speaks what is on her mind, I speak what is on mine.... neither is actually attending or responding to the other.... we are merely stating!

It is awesome!

Matt is most intrigued... and comments on it and in fact so are several other people. We dialogue over men, relationships, love and stuff in general and it is a most interesting evening with the case of the "Gooster" too!

The "Gooster", BTW, is this odd looking thing sitting behind Rebecca's head.

It is some sort of wooden sculpture/planter and looks like a duck/goose AND it has a rooster's comb! So it is essentially a Gooster!

We ask Matt if he think it looks like a gooster... he agrees, as do several other diners around us!

It is official-

The odd critter at Chilli's is a "Gooster!"

After dinner, Rebbecca and I head into the women's room to try the Wisps! They are quite interesting and great actually. Mini toothpick/brushes/mouthwashy thingies....
Perfect for on-the-go moments and when you need to kiss ;)

LOL! And no! Rebbecca and I did NOT kiss!

Au Revoir folks...
Until next time-

First Bid!!

So I got an offer for this painting today!

A friend wants to buy it...

What should be the opening bid eh? Help me out here folks...

And..ahem... MF- lets just see what the peeps come up with eh? I shall keep it safe. I am in fact debating putting this one up in my office!

Changes-

Wake up and breathe
Get up and bathe
Get dressed and work
Take a break to eat
Sit a while
And think a while
Drive home and then...
Try to sleep a while

It all seems strange
This mundane change

Of life
And work
And ...sigh...
Of life again-

New job
New space
New faces
New ...sigh...
New everything

Bubbs is gone for a bit
Miss her like crazy
That sweet little thing!

Love is lost
Not sure what I feel
About that anymore

Work is work
A little new
A little strange
In the end
It's work alright...

It comes slowly-

It comes slowly...

Acceptance-

It comes slowly...

It takes its time. It takes its toll. It pains and angers and bewilders and confuses... It leaves me hollow. It makes me weak. It aches, it breaks it takes... takes away some faith, some trust, some days it takes away most everything....

Words-
-words.

I called you by mistake...
I don't love you anymore...
It is over...
I don't know anymore...

It comes slowly...

Peace-

It is elusive and stingy. Selfish and empty for it comes not timely and it comes not easy...

It comes slowly...

Understanding-

It is the Why-s that kill...
The Why-s
And How-s
And all the ????-s

That devastate.

It comes slowly...

The Healing-

The bliss of numbness, of no feeling- for a bit... like sleep and laughter- true and whole laughter like you used to laugh before--

It comes slowly....

Voices that call my name in the night...

Woke up in the night
To voices...
Voices in my head

Ghosts of memories
And things
That were once
And are no more...

Woke up in the night
To my name...
Someone calling my name

A vision, a dream
I chased
I believed once
And now I am awake...

Woke up in the night
To an ache...
Familiar, old, well known

A love, myself
I gave
I loved
And now I wait...

Woke up in the night
To a truth
Unwanted, stark and cold

It gone, it's over
The life
The love
Of he and I...

Woke up in the night
To voices
Aches, deep inside

Sent a text
"I heard you call my name...tonight..."
And then waited...
Silence-

Sat up
Sat up in the night...
And held myself tight

The way
I'd wished
You'd hold me
All through the night

Wrote a little
To ease the hurt
The heartache in the night...

The words just came
Unthought
To my mind
Messengers from my head to my heart

Let go...
Let go...
Let it be

It aches
It breaks
And yet...
It is so-


The voices
Voices that call my name
In the night...

A tear fell
Perhaps two,
Maybe three...
In the night

Because of the voices
The voices...
That call my name in the night

Chasing a dream...

(Oil and acrylic on canvas)