Tuesday, November 30, 2010

imploded

Imploded-

and when the self began to disintegrate
there came to me
in unexpected moments
little surprising parts of self
long forgotten
put away
changed and suppressed
now released anew
that make me see
the treasure that i am
the worth of me
little nuggets of gold they are
and greedily i scoop them up
as i spread my wings to soar
feel the freedom and the wind
feel the bitter taste of life that's spent
and long to feel the sweetness of life renewed
i open up my hungry lips
spit out the poison
rinse mouth clean
and then i can taste
the sensuous honey
of life once again

Cutie Pie!!!

It's called Football- Because you use your foot and you kick a ball- yeah!!! damn right!!!
So anyhow fellow football lovers out there, meet Atif. He's the latest addition to Pakistan's team. In addition he won the cutest spectacle wearer award by Spec Savers in 2008- yummy ;)

http://www.walesonline.co.uk/footballnation/football-news/2010/11/30/doors-opening-for-pakistan-s-new-soccer-star-91466-27739125/

This cutie pie is my friend Yaz's li'l brother.... and both Freiha and I have called dibs on him, but we will politely share... But seriously peeps! Here's to one AWESOME man- Smart, accomplished, talented and HOTTTT!!!!! to boot. :P
I think I am going to fly in to Wales this winter break...lol...(hrrrrrrrrrrr!)

http://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/2010/11/30/doors-open-for-pakistan-soccer-star-from-wales-91466-27739104/

Common sense

Illusions and lies
No one can deceive us
Quite like our own selves

Ken once said to me- listen to yourself, it looks like you haven't done that in a long time. He was right of course. I have known and just ignored. I have heard and disregarded the voice of my spirit. I have been aware but too scared to dare- to try something new.

I  had the good fortune of sitting with a friend last night. While we nibbled on an exquisite dinner he talked. As I told and things began to unfold I saw- ME- TRUTH- as seen through unblinded eyes. I saw. I saw...LOL... that is all I can say. I saw...

And now I sit and ruminate on delicious mind fodder. And feel the weights begin to fall as one by one the strings are cut.

Marie- I do believe I will buy my balloons and set them free in the park this week, and embrace my self and my release...embrace my freedom from ache-

When I got home, TC called and I told him I had dinner with a friend who knocked sense into me...he chuckled and asked, "does such a one who can do that really exist?" Lol... I guess he does...

I have great friends-

To all of you far and wide- virtual and otherwise-
Thank you-
I love you dearly and am blessed for your presence and the ways in which you touch my life...

Walk on-

Glass heart broken-
All said and done.
Walk on...
Before  the second you turn back
Be strong
What you got they can't steal it...
No they can't even feel it
Walk on...walk on...


Monday, November 29, 2010

Dear "holding on to faith"...

dear friend,
thanks for writing. always feel free to do so and if you want the communication private always indicate -do not post-

words have such an impact... and words are very important to me. i write from my heart and i guess that is why people can relate...

hugs

Happily Ever After-

ache- to suffer a dull persistent pain
 related words- affliction, agony, anguish, misery, yearning




I looked at endless pictures. Of friends-all happy. I saw friends- in various stages of courtship. Some happily engaged and some in wedding pictures. Some making birth announcements and some just ecstatic over being pregnant. All of them in the various stages of their "Happily Ever After". That is when it started... I felt an emptiness inside me. A hole that grew deeper and wider. I felt a hollowness. A hunger. I felt an ache too complicated to describe. It wasn't that I wasn't happy for them. I was... It was just that something about that joy made me feel deprived. I wonder why?

I have a daughter... I should not really care. But it wasn't that. I wanted the contentment so obvious in their faces. The knowledge that they were with the one they loved. Their mate. Their family unit. My daughter is my family- I thought. I have my unit... Then why the ache?

I pondered awhile...I wanted that- The happily ever after... I want that! I crave it all the time. I want that so bad it makes my eyes tear up and my heart hurt. Much as life is great. I long for that. And no- it is no longer that I miss my ex-man. I miss my happily ever after with that man. I miss him because of what we had- potential. I miss him because he could have been my happily ever after. I miss him because a happily ever after with him seemed like heavenly bliss. I miss him because I believed he fit. But then-Alas! If he fit I would have my happily ever after. But I don't. So what is it? I guess what fits and what does not isn't quite obvious at first. He never understood why I could not do the distance. I guess I never understood it myself to be able to explain it. Distance takes away the happily ever after. I still ached when we were together but distant. I still looked at couples and was envious. I never actually had my happily ever after. I just got glimpses of it. Stolen moments. Stolen weekends. And at those times- we fit...it was perfect...we had the happily ever after...momentarily- But maybe we did not fit as well as I perceived. Then why do I still ache? Is it him? Is that what it is? Do I miss him? I thought for a while. I miss what I had with him...I miss my momentary happily ever after. And slowly what I had began to slip away... even when he was there.

There used to be a time when I knew his every thought. There used to be a time when, while he was out, all he wanted was to call and talk to me. There used to be a time that I did not want to go out because all I wanted was to come back home and call him up so I could hear his voice. And then that stopped. There were secrets. He no longer talked. I gave away my whole day. And he never gave back- or so I perceived...I could be wrong. And then it started to slip away. What we had. He was there. His physical presence, (sometimes). He was there- his voice on the phone... but HE was never really completely there. He was too hidden away. There was silence, and darkness and then the sharing stopped. I did not want to keep giving. I never got back in return. And he once told me he felt the same way...I feel a lump in my throat as I write and I fight back the sting of tears...

It is always sad when something so good goes so bad. Why does it? I cannot say. Do I blame him? Sometimes- when the pain overwhelms and I turn to anger for relief. It feels good to lash out at him in my head because then I don't have to face the pain. Do I blame myself- sometimes, for the same reason. But then it passes and the dull ache returns. With it the yearning. I want my happily ever after. 

I have never had it- you see. I was married and had a baby and watched her grow but I never had it- my happily ever after. I want it. I want it so bad. I have fallen in love and dreamed of it. I have lived 32 years on this earth- But it never happens for me, or hasn't yet (I still hope!). And so the hunger grows. The empty, hollow, cavernous, chasm deepens. And those smiling happy faces- enjoying their happily ever afters- make me feel left out. Deprived. Empty. Incomplete somehow.

I understand the notion that I do not need a man to complete me- It is a cognition. But I do not feel complete. I feel empty most of the time. I feel lonely most of  the time. A multitude of friends, and activities, hobbies, interests, strength, courage, independence do not make the feeling better. I still feel achy. I think my way past the loneliness and the ache. That is why I am a cognitive person. That is why I think so much- I guess... Because if I allow myself to feel at all, I feel achy... and I wish I had a happily ever after too...

...I wish I had a happily ever after all the time...

Sunday, November 28, 2010

That's how I make it through the day-

Don't waste my time with simpering sorrow
There  really isn't a tomorrow
Today is what I've got to give baby
Today is not a maybe
So feel it all
Do not stall
And then go a little further
Make it just a tad bit harder
Pour on more than you can take
Under pressure you won't break
I drove 300 miles today
And thought  all along the way
And yes there was loss
And life's a coin toss
But who ever gets it better
For life there is no tester
Take your only chance
And come on girl- Dance!
It's life
It comes and comes at you
Just go with it- Woo Hoo!
Some bumps
A few falls
A little hurt
And then there's laughter
Now that's what I am after
It's life baby
Can't complain
I win some
And I lose some
Along the way...
Eh?
All in a day...
So remember love
And do not give up hope
And that is how I make it through the day-

L-O-V-E

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Beautiful Day-



After the storm of last night
After the tears were shed and dried
After the heart burst into flames
Yet again-
And peace was at last found...
And tired pilgrim
Finally lay her head down
And slept it out
For a short few hours
To awake
To a bright new day
And embrace
A whole new way
Of life
"What you don't have, you don't need it now-"

What a Beautiful Day!!!
Bono- Your words are magic healing for my soul

I shall fly again today.
Yesterday my wings were drenched
And today
I shall take again to the sky
And soar away up high
Free like the wild spirit I am...

"Don't need it now-"
Don't need it now...
What a beautiful day-

Shrinky people-

And thus I found my peace tonight-

I am blessed for my "shrinky" brain.
I am thankful for being a "shrinky" person.
I LOVE that about me!
And for tonight, and tonight's peace that was enough...

Fear

Fear is what keeps me trapped
Fear of loneliness
Fear of unhappiness
Fear of failure
Fear of lovelessness
Fear of so many imagined and unimagined things
When I see happy couples
I am afraid
That I will never have that- And I want that
When I see people in love
I am afraid- It will never be mine
Because I do not have it now and perhaps never will
When faced with success
I am afraid
Can I get it
Can it be mine
If I make it
Will I break it
Will I bring about its ruin
When I am happy
I am scared
Of happiness
Fear of unworthiness
Undeserving-ness kicks in
Fear that I shall mess it up
Somehow seeps in
When I am by myself
I am afraid of my loneliness
When I am sad
I am afraid there will be no one there to comfort me
When I hurt
The feeling of pain
Scares and overwhelms
Can I bear it
Is my fear
Will I collapse
And go up in smoke
Yes- such are my irrational fears
And thus I am afraid of feeling too

When things get difficult
I am afraid that I will not be able to make it on my own
Or face it
Or do it
By myself
It would be nice
To lean on someone and get a break
But that also is fear
Me running away
From what is my burden
And only mine to bear
Yes- I am afraid
Of my burdens too-

Because a man left me
And another one too
And another and another
That makes me afraid
That I am not worth staying with
Because they left
I am afraid that I am not worthy of being loved

And then there is the fear of being left
I am deathly afraid that people will leave me
And it makes me keep people at a distance
It makes me afraid to love
To give it and accept it
Yes I am a prickly pear

And then more fears
Is there something wrong with me
Am I broken
Tarnished somehow
Am I pretty
Smart
Strong
Successful
So afraid half the time
That I flit around
Trying to hide
Fix
Do
Be
See
Do
More and more and more
And then some days
All I want is to hide

If I could only face my fears
Head on
And then
Just simply
Hold on
Breathe
See

I am human
I am imperfect
I am flawed
And
IT IS OKAY

I try my best
And some days
It works
And on others
It does not
And on other days
I don't even try
Because
I simply have not the strength
And that too
IS OKAY

If I could face my fears
And conquer some
And be okay with the rest
And try my best
To give it a rest

I do not have to prove anything
To anyone
Including myself

I would get past this
Romantic notion
Of my broken heart
No heart that is truly loved ever BREAKS
No love that is truly LOVE
Ever ends

I would get past this sad affair
Of this break up
And realize
A heart breaks
When it is given away
Why give it "away"
In the first place
And expect someone else to take care of it
Why not keep it
And care for it myself

Why blame the poor man
For not doing this and not doing that
Why should he
In the first place

Why expect someone else
To love me
Why not just love myself
And let that be enough...
And when I love
Why expect
To be loved back
Is that really why I love
So that he will love me back

Am I that in need of love
Can I not love and value
MY OWN SELF
And thus never "need"
That validation
From someone else

And so it stands the true meaning

I have nothing to fear...
But fear itself


And before I can love
I must love myself

Tonight-

Tonight-
Why do I cry still
Why do the tears still fall
So I loved you once
And it came to an end
And now you are gone
Moved on
And life goes on
Then why does my heart still ache
Over love
Love lost
If it would just be still
And not feel
Would I be better off

And then some days I wonder
Do I ever cross your mind
A passing thought
Does your heart ever ache
Does it break at night
The way mine does
Do you lie awake
And remember my touch

Don't know much of anything
Anymore
Don't even want you
Anymore
Too much pain has come and gone
And what once was
Is
No more
Is ended

And yet I tried
To hold on....
And yet I tried
To hold on
To one day at the beach
It's gone
Washed away
My magic
Today
Long gone
Don't want any of it
Anymore
Don't want much of anything
Anymore

Just need forgetfulness
Tonight
Just need some peace
Tonight
Just need to have my cry
Tonight
Just need to let my heart break
Tonight
Just need to evaporate
Tonight
Simply wash away
And cease to exist
For just a little while
Tonight

Just want to come apart
Undo you from my heart
Unknow you
unlove you
un-You my self
like the Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind
If only I could
Tonight...

Friday, November 26, 2010

America's Funniest Home Videos-

video
I swear this one could win! I love my kid- she is awesome...

Beauty in the breakdown




..."these mishaps you bubble wrap when you've no idea what you're like..."
..."so let go, so let go, jump in..."

And despite all the goodness around me- my heart caves in- and bleeds.
In the midst of all the twinkling lights and music and beauty
I cannot stop my wandering soul that calls out to him
Or the broken heart that still knows his name
Nor the awareness that love does not simply end
When one says
I do not want to be in contact with you anymore...
But what is to be done
When it breaks
It breaks
And as I hold on by will power alone
And walk the lovely streets full of merry making folks
Who glance at me appreciatively
Some even with interest
And some who stop to chat and ask my name
I am surprised
That I am still too much in love to notice
And when my mother calls to see if I am well
And states, "I pray for your heart to find peace"
That is when it happens
The break down-
And my worried daughter asks
"Are you okay Mom? I hope you will feel better soon. I love you"
It happens off and on
Unexpectedly
And catches me unawares
Some days I can
And some days I simply can not
Let go...
Of him
Of myself
Of the pain
...
And let it flow-
Awareness
Reality
Tears
...
If I could
Let go
Of it all
It would be amazing
Because there's beauty in the breakdown
...

Time-



Time wounds all heels.....

My version of "Time heals all wounds"

So tick tock, tick tock and old time ambles on....

I sat on the couch past midnight last night.
Listened to the rain pitter patter outside
Gazed a while
At the lights twinkle on the lit up tree-
Tried hard to remember
Tried hard to figure out
Did I love someone once upon a time
Did I dream a life with him
Was there ever that space in time
When he sat here by my side
Was I happy then?
Did he love me?
Did he just play me
And manipulate, lie and cheat
Was I foolish
To believe?
Was I wrong to hope and dream?
How soon time passes by
How quickly we forget
How strange
That tonight
It all seems like a dream
Like it never was
And yet a dull ache remains
How clever the mind
To defend against the pain
To black out all sense
Of what was...
And so as the lights twinkle on my tree
And the rain patters outside
And what was- no longer is
And still I breathe
And sometimes I smile
Just last night I even laughed
And today was simply a blast
Fun, peaceful, perfect...
And I catch myself as I start to think
"It would have been perfect. only if..."
And then I stop!
That part is done.
That life is gone
What good is there
To linger here
And hold on
To those who left
And thus I correct
"What could/would/should have been..."
Is a waste-
Life dear soul
Is...
It's not a bunch of shoulds and woulds or even coulds...
It's not a bunch of promises
This year, next year, last year
"we'll be together..."
Life is happening- right this moment!
And those who choose to not be here
Have already chosen a life without
You-
Then why waste your life
Crying over them
Life is happening- right this moment!
And this moment is perfection.
Because of what it is.
Not what could have been
But what IS...
This is my life
And I am thankful
For living
For my child
For my friends
For my family
For my awesome job
For my fabulous life
For this time
At this beautiful cabin
For the twinkling lights
On my pretty tree
For the pitter patter
Of the rain outside
For the strength and courage
That makes me fight my way out
Of all despair and adversity
For success
For hope-faith-belief
For love
All around me
And someday soon
What is mine
Truly mine
Meant for me
Will come to me
And so for that
I am thankful
Tonight-

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Thanksgiving 2010



Could things be better?

I made it here in time- by my standards!
The cabin is charming.
Ambar got to call dibs on the bedroom and claimed the master bedroom...lol... so she gets the dressing table and the jacuzzi. I can't complain- my bedroom leads to the hot tub in a screened in porch.

And they have it decorated for the holidays. How lovely!
So good news is that both the grill and fireplace are gas so I am quite capably in my element. Dinner done- grilled chicken and buttered noodles with spinach salads! And for dessert- S'Mores! What else??


Tomorrow we laze around....sigh.... I am in heaven!

video


And upon Ambar's insistence here is one to laugh at.

Ladies and gentlemen- I present SHAHNAZ- "Be our guest!" As Beauty and the the Beast plays in the background, my daughter candidly captures me ad libbing!

Monday, November 22, 2010

Some oldies-



(So who loved this one back then??? I remember dancing to this one-)







(Kitnay aadmi thay ray kaalia??? I loved Gabbar Singh!)




(I had the biggest crush on Feroze Khan when I was a kid!!!)



(Zeenat Amaan and Feroze Khan remind me of my parents- I had some awesome looking parents when they were young...)

Sometimes you need to lose it all to find your way-

Lose it all
In a heartbeat
Over and over again
In the end you always find your way
The road is rough
But you are tough enough
And the more you lose in life
The deeper you will get to know yourself

It breaks
It aches
Everyday
And yet

There is a peace also
I had forgotten
I had lost a part of me
Forgotten how strong I am
And every little bit of me that breaks
And aches
Gives me back pieces of me
Through my tears
I see
Through the pain
I grow
I relearn me
...

I am a novice
Soon I shall undertake my pilgrimage
And walk alone
The road to Santiago

Say what you need to say-



AMI- I LOVE YOU
ABU- I LOVE YOU
SHAHAMAT- I LOVE YOU

Over time and across the oceans that keep us apart, I seem to have lost you three. I tried to think of moments I captured as photographs in my head, and things to say to you. In the end it all boiled down to that- I love you...

There is a memory in my head. The color of it is green. I am wearing a red "baji wala dress". It is somewhere in Thailand, and while Ami and Shahamat have gone on up the mountain- my feet are tired and I have stopped halfway there with Abu. It is after I have done battle with a monkey to hold on to my peanuts and it is one of the most peaceful moments in my existence. I am holding my fathers hand and cuddled up in his lap. As I close my eyes, I am 5 again and I can still smell his smell...he smelled of cigarrettes and cologne...

I remember the day I had to go back to boarding school. It is late evening. I am sitting at the hair salon getting my hair done with my mom. She is to fly out of the country the next day and I recall wishing that time would just freeze, and this moment never end. That I would forever feel this safe. There is an anticipation of an achyness that is soon to come, in an hour or so. People leaving...always having to say goodbye and watch the people you love and need the most walk away...She smelled so good when I hugged her goodbye. I smiled and waved her off even as my heart was breaking. The color of this memory is red and blue...

It was late in the evening, I was tired. We had gotten lost this time. Our adventure this day having taken us further than expected. I recall not having ANY DOUBT in my mind that my brother would find the way home. I marched proudly beside him (or tried my best to match his longer stride) carrying my length of coiled rope after the days accomplishments. It is twilight as we step out of the woods, far south of the Highland Hotel and recognize where we are. I recall the yellow color of the street lights. We start the trek up the road that will get us back home. A very relieved Sharran and Sue keep pace and we talk about the parathas that wait for us for dinner...

Sunday, November 21, 2010

saturday

dusty blue sky
the backdrop for leaves aflame
red, orange, yellow, ochre
gurgling waterfall
wooden bench
whispering wind
in the trees
cosy sunlight
warming my face
simple joy
life sublime
momentary
fleeting
beauty
happiness
peace
serenity
...

Friday, November 19, 2010

FRIDAY- I LOVE YOU!!!!

And this just made my day-
Email forwarded from my boss this morning-
Had me giggling like a hyena...

ENJOY.




MENSA INVITATIONAL
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,  subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the  subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

 2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

 3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you  realize it was your money to start with.

 4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a  hillbilly.

 5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

 7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

 8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these  really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

 And the winners are:

 1. Coffee, n.. The person upon whom one coughs.

 2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

 3.. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

 4 esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

 5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

 6.. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

 7. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

 9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has  been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Porosity-

Definition:
Porosity is a measure of the void spaces in a material, and is a fraction of the volume of voids over the total volume, between 0–1, or as a percentage between 0–100%. The term is used in multiple fields including pharmaceutics, ceramics, metallurgy, materials, manufacturing, earth sciences and construction.

The term is not, however, used with humans-
With a human soul to be specific, or even the human heart. Not the physical- pumps blood to the body heart, but the feeling heart.
Why not?
"...a measure of the void spaces in a material..."
I am a material. I am human material. There is a soul so to speak. And even a heart. I work in a field where everyday I speak to people who come to me with porosity of the human heart and soul. I am  human and there are days I experience feelings of porosity and  there are days when the porosity is less present. Happiness lessens porosity. Contentment too. And peace. And love.

I wonder can hurt and pain and loss be measured in terms of the volume of voids over the total volume? What fraction of porosity are you today? What fraction of porosity am I today.

Do we sometimes fill up the void and lessen porosity with anger? With hate? With thoughts of vindictiveness? I wonder, Is my porosity less when I am angry. I don't feel it as much, I suppose-  But then I don't feel much else except the anger. And hate and vindictiveness are all consuming anyway. Do they lessen porosity or do they clog it?

Is some porosity good? Does it give us room to grow? What if there was no porosity to the human heart and soul? What would that be like? Would we be blissful? Or would we be blobs? Would we know true joy if there was never any sadness.  Would the heart know what love is if it had never felt loss and pain? Would the soul know the concept of contentment and peace if it did not know conflict and discontent.

Porosity...
I am human material and I wonder, what is my porosity?

I am human-

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

LOL!!! Eid-

Congrats to all the 'raan' recipients, you are obviously more special than the 'dasti' worthy crowd as per the gosht hierarchy. The 'putth' getters may rejoice too, i suppose, but my condolences to the ohjreeites, you obviously pissed people off this year around.
(Ahmed's facebook status... tee hee hee...)

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I made sheer-

Woo Hoo!!!
It feels like EID after all-

Just finished dindins, and my dessert salad and now I am in blissful heaven watching The Italian Job and eating my sheer... Marky Mark(Mark Wahlberg will always be Marky Mark to me...LOL)- sheer-awesome workout before all that- life is good.........

Eid MUBARIK to one and all!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Is it moms or is it desi moms...?

So here is the irony of my completely convoluted and yet completely hilarious life-
I don't know whether to laugh or cry sometimes, seriously...

I am in the middle of eating my salad (which I eat at the end of my meal- my daughter calls it my strawberry/arugula/dessert salad!) Anyhow, I am in the middle of my dessert salad and only half watching an old rerun of the "Golden Girls" when Mom calls. I have been avoiding her for months now. I have been angry at her. She is manipulative, controlling and thinks it her life's business to see me wed. In fact I am convinced that the day I am married she will actually involuntarily levitate with smug satisfaction. She interferes in my life in most every way imaginable. Lately since I have been laying down boundaries she does it in round about ways...I love the woman but SHE DRIVES ME NUTS!

So today she calls to see if I am feeling any better. I am not mom. I am heartbroken and I hurt. A lot. I was engaged while you were here because you connived it to happen, and it happened in a way I did not want it. But YOU got what you wanted. And now it is over. I am disengaged and in fact more than that I am heartbroken and miserable. It is not all you. A lot of it has to do with me and yes quite a lot also has to do with the said man- but then this one is about Mom and me.

So some weeks ago I find an e mail in my box. It is a dating event in NYC by Millan.com or some such. I believe it is by the APPNA people.(I so do not want to marry another doctor Mom!!!) And then there is another e mail from her in my inbox again. I shudder secretly, wondering if I am going to have random, Harvard and Yale eligible bachelors calling my cell number because our "moms" have decided we must become acquainted and get to know each other. I had to resort to some pretty nasty shenanigans to make that stop the last time. Sigh...

It is ironic then that she states to me this phone call- "You should have just married Dr. Khurram!" For those of you who have heard the stories of Dr. Khurram, I roll my eyes. He is a sweetheart but NOT FOR ME! I say some choice words to my Mom as I fight and talk at her in indignation. And finally done and exhausted I hang up.

As I turn my attention back to the Golden Girls I am amazed to see my life unfold on the screen...lol... Dorothy has been set up to go on a date with some felon, by Sofia! Dorothy walks in and talks at her mom (just like I have just finished doing) and states,
"You wrinkled old Sicilian prune. Stop meddling in my life!!!"
And Sofia mutters off into the background.
I chuckle to myself despite my tears- it is a version of what I have just said to my mother and for the same reasons...and she muttered off into the background... ahh I love my mom!

In tears after the fight with my Mom I don't know whether to laugh or to cry at this moment. I am reminded of the last time I saw Mom- at the airport this September. Ironically the person checking her in at the airline counter this time was none other that the same man who had asked for my number here. I kid you not. What are the odds right? Apparently quite good! I recall ducking my head real fast when I saw him- but not before the man had met my eyes, and I know he recognized me. He looked real close at my  (then) "fiance`" and did not even charge my mom for her excess baggage. I guess there are perks to things after all... Ah life!

So dear Mom- I love you! I HATE it when you try to set me up with your Doctors and Lawyers and Indian Chiefs! Ease up on me will you- I am HEART BROKEN! I have lost the man I loved- I am in pain and substituting another in his stead will not help me. I don't NEED a man. I am just fine without one. In fact I have learned how to cook steak by myself on my big bad gas grill...lol... and this Thanksgiving I am going to grill on a charcoal grill at a cabin by myself! Bubbs and I are planning a fabulous trip. Who needs a man to live life. It is kind of nice to find one who loves you and who you love back and one you can trust and who can trust you. It is great to have one who makes your life beautiful because you WANT to be with him and he with you. It is neat to plan and dream and live with someone you adore and vice versa- But I DO NOT NEED A MAN! I would LIKE one who I love being around. BUT I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

So man- out there- wherever you are...
MAN-out there- whoever you are and who is meant for me...

Dear Man, don't take too long to find your way to me.
I'm keeping my heart and my eyes open.
I don't need you to take care of me- I can take care of myself...
But if you would like to walk alongside me in life
If you care to see me as an equal,
If you can be mine and mine only (I do not share very well)
I promise to be yours and yours truly
Maybe we can make a life together...
And perhaps even give a shot at this "happily ever after"

But if not-
And alone is my lot in life
I am content to be alone-
I would rather be alone
Than lonely in a relationship...

So My Dear Mom,
Forgive me my harsh words.
Please let me be-
I am quite content, or will be when my heart heals-
What is heartbreak if not a part of love-
I had heart enough to love and give it all
I have heart enough to hurt and lose it all-
I will be fine in time.
This too shall pass.
Send a prayer or two my way
And Mom-
I LOVE YOU!

And as my dear friend Ken said to me-
"You've got to be prepared to lose everything to gain the world! This is the ride and they lied when they said it was all good. It's not about the destination but about the journey. It is always the things you don't plan that make life exciting and interesting and challenging and beautiful... Good things happen when you least expect them. And we don't have nearly as much free will as we think we do..."
And lastly he made me smile when he said,
"And hey- you look great in leather!"

And I do look great in leather ;)

And as it approaches-EID MABRUK- and HAJJ MABRUK to all the pilgrims...

And so I spend this Eid alone-

I shall meditate and reflect.
(I am working, of course!)

But Bubbs is to have a fun time at her dad and step mom's.
This time in 2004 in Mecca, I made my tawaaf and sobbed my sorrow to my GOD-
He sent me what I needed. He turned my feet into the direction that brought a ton of pain, a ton of hardship, a ton of growth and learning and STRENGTH! He led me to my peace. It was a difficult road that year and the next and the next. But I would not change a thing.

This year too, I hope, the hardships will lead me to my destiny-
And that I will emerge a stronger, more refined ME.

Alhamdullilah-
LA ILAHA ILLA ANTA SUBHANAKA INNI KUNTU MINAZ ZALIMEEN

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Dear God

And if the heart would just stop
Aching and breaking
And the tears pause mid stream
And the echo of his name cease to ring
In my ears
Would the heavens fall apart?
Is it too much to ask then for some relief-
From this endless grief...

One night last year
I wept
And asked for someone to love
You sent him my way
If it was not meant to be
Why send him
Then take him and give him back
Only to take away again

When shall my heart find peace
You are a jealous God I see-
To rob me of that which I love
So completely
I asked for contentment
And you give it
In him- only to take it all away

Why give
Only to take
Why fill
If you want me empty
Why rekindle
All that was put away
Not desired
And then once desire to have it all
Is reborn
Just take it all
Take it all away

I have no anger left
Even at you
I lay my head down now
No more can I do
I am robbed of it all
Of every bit of strength
Of everything
I lay my head down now
No more can I do

Dear God
Won't you help me through....

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Mirror-

When you forgive your imperfections
And you've auctioned all your clothes
And you look to see your true reflection
You will be the one who loves you the most
You will be the one who loves you the most
You will be the one who loves you the most 


The agony of knowing and facing self seems overwhelming at times
We know our vices and shortcomings once we begin to implode
That is just the beginning- Self awareness is merely the tip of the ice berg.
After awareness comes recognition and ownership
Acceptance and forgiveness
Attempts to change and massive failures in our initial attempts
Continued awareness and powerlessness over changing ingrained patterns
Perseverance
Commitment
Success and some more failures too
Knowledge when you are stuck and desire to change but sometimes you don't know how
Trial and error
Tears- oh so many tears
Blame, shame.....

And then one day-
Hopefully soon
It will happen
True acceptance
True forgiveness
Truth
It will happen one day
TRUTH and you will be okay and you will be at peace

Mirror mirror on the wall
Who is fairer than them all
The pot or the kettle black
Shall I hide in my own shack
Or will you hide me today in yours
Sitting blind in the dark
Shall I point a finger at you today
Even as the other three
Are all pointing back at me
To whom shall I lie today
To you, to them, or to me?

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Dear Gandalf!

I had not seen my mentor in three weeks!

It was good to see him today-
As always in his space and in his presence I found inner peace, inner truth and acceptance. I would be remiss to say that all of those cannot be done without him- they can...he just makes it easier.

I did delete several recent posts (thanks for writing and letting me know that you noticed! lol...)

I deleted them with good reason-
They were word vomit and they came out as I felt them and now that the poison is out of my system, I have no more need for it or them at the moment- They are still on here and I shall re-post them when I am ready. That was then. This is now-

And this is me-

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Sex Sells! And why...


This, dear readers, is a copy of my latest "Psychology Today"!

Needless to say it is an attention getter-
I browsed through it during lunch yesterday, glad to have a quiet moment to myself to indulge in reading. There were some very interesting articles in there that caught my attention.

It talks to beauty-
What it means to men and women.
Lets face it. I am a health and beauty fanatic. I like beautiful people and things and I like to put my most beautiful self forward. Granted, it is not the only thing on my agenda daily, but I do attend to my appearance and my dress. I work out like a fiend to stay in shape. I eat healthy and fat in any food is fast becoming my natural enemy. Not only for beauty but also for health reasons. I spend a hefty amount in smell good products, lotions and potions, shampoos, body mists, fragrance sprays, linen sprays, air sprays. I also spend lavishly on my wardrobe. I think nothing of dropping a hefty buck on a well cut jacket or Jimmy Choo's!

Grooming is important to me. I wax, shave, thread, brush, primp, dye, cut, and paint. I sound like a wood floor or a lawn now, don't I? But- and it is a very big but. IT IS WORTH IT.

I feel good. I look good. I smell good. And people notice.

Now I am not saying you have to cater to a specific size constraint. But honestly every one and every size CAN put their best face forward. Pick an outfit that accentuates your physique. Know your best features and draw attention to them. Good hygiene is for you and not others. There is no reason why you should have hang nails and split ends simply because something else in your life took priority. What is a more important priority that YOU??? It is NOT selfishness- It is self care.

Beauty starts with good health- GOOD MENTAL HEALTH!
LOVE THE BODY YOU ARE IN. Appreciate it. Attend to it. Paint it, primp it, work on it. Treat it right. Give it the conditioning, exercise, nutrition, attention, acceptance it deserves. Because YOU are worth it. The pay off is the best reward ever.

And yes- a well groomed, well attended to body ALWAYS gets the deal-

The current issue also spoke to "being too beautiful".

Yes, ladies and gentlemen-there is a cost to beauty-
You will get discriminated AGAINST for being beautiful. I speak from experience. I have been put down for dressing well, for being slender, for being ME. Beautiful people are at a disadvantage sometimes. In terms of evolutionary perspective, we become cave people. There are limited resources out there and we are competing for them. Men/women/attention/love/affection/money/jobs- you name it and we are in the market and in competition for it. But it is a price I am aware I pay sometimes and it is worth it. There are always other alternative options. In a competitive market one must compete and looking good is a universal asset.

We want to deny it. But let's face it. We are all vain. We all love it when we look good. We are all jealous of someone more beautiful than us. We secretly want to look good- but are we willing to pay the price. The price to looking the BEST you is doing the work. It doesn't just happen. You don't roll out of bed, eat chocolate and buttered noodles all day, lay around getting no exercise, and expect to look your best. It won't happen. It takes work, and commitment. Dedication, planning, restraint, delayed gratification- just like everything else in life. Beauty takes WORK!

I stated to a guy I met the other day who was on the phone with me- "I have to get off the phone so I can get changed and hit the gym!" His response, "You don't look like you need to go to the gym!" I chuckled to myself and replied- "You think that and I LOOK like that BECAUSE I go to the gym all the time!"

Later as I puffed and panted through my weights, while my darling angel was in child care, I thought- yes, I look like this and I can run up several flights of stairs without getting winded, and spend my day in high heels, and keep up with a kid and have a strong back to do all the moderately heavy lifting and moving of furniture that I do- I do that all because I bust my ASS at the gym.

My clothes fit better. I have more stamina. I have a strong back and am not complaining of physical ailments. I am in good health. BECAUSE I work out, BECAUSE everything I eat is fat free. Because I eat like that mostly, I can occasionally indulge in chocolate and buttered noodles and my favorite desserts and ice-creams. It is about balance. It is about acceptance. It is about LOVING yourself. It is not about achieving PERFECTION. Simply about perfecting the art of achievement. And achieving the BEST YOU!

Go be beautiful-
Ciao

Sunday, November 7, 2010

The best of us!


This was after I had learned how to be without the man the first time...And learned how to be with just us three- Alas, separation can be hard the first time...we cannot over and over disengage without a price. The price this time was unbearable and I could not do it-

And yet the heart breaks to lose you sweet one...
It breaks in so many ways tonight-
It shall be a long and lonely night-

Sorry Broc. Sorry Bubbs. I hope one day you will understand...

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Compassion-Forgiveness-Ownership-Understanding and...

Compassion-
It has much to do with passion and acceptance and kindness and yes, also self awareness-

I have a ten year old daughter.
I once went to a conference...and had to hear a man speak and this man was a child molester. He had solicited minors for sex. He was arrested, lost it all- family, daughters, wife, job, status, reputation...all-

Before he even stepped in to the room to talk, I despised him. I dehumanized him. I did not like him and I was sure of that. People like him were the scum of the earth I had decided.

And then he spoke-
I listened, deaf to everything that he said except for my distaste and my bias. I viewed him as if he was undeserving of everything in life.

And he continued to speak-
And slowly his humanity emerged. He spoke of life and loss and hurt and pain. He spoke of sadness. He spoke of mistakes. He spoke of human nature and he spoke of vice and weakness. And he accepted it all. He took responsibility for everything he had done. He owned all of himself. The good and the bad.

And as he spoke-
I noticed something in me crack and break. I felt the sting of tears. I felt the shame of my hubris- my judgement. I saw him for the first time, a human, a person, fallible, wrong yes- but a person! And I was deeply moved and ashamed. He was a man. He was a person- like me. A parent- like me. He made mistakes- like me. He had been wrong- who has not been wrong?

"Let him who is free of all sin cast the first stone..."

Who was I to judge? On what high horse did I sit? From where came my sense of superiority and arrogance? And yes, I was ashamed-

At the end of his lecture, I stood in line to shake his hand. I needed to touch him. Feel the skin and flesh and the warmth of this man, who was at the end of the day, just a man. And I shook his hand. I looked him in the eye. And I said simply, "Thank you- for everything that I have learned today". And then I stated, simply, "Forgive me." And I left and walked away... A compassionate human again...


Forgiveness-
I knew a man once and he wronged me greatly. And he never owned up to his indiscretions. I knew many men who have wronged me. And I have forgiven- I was lied to, cheated on, emotionally manipulated and yes I forgave-
I am blessed for forgiveness that lives in my heart...

Ownership-
I am flawed. I am fallible. I am human. I am selfish. I am not the best listener. I am hard headed and I am stubborn. And many, many, many more- I have made mistakes. They have always been choices. I have known what I was doing and I have chosen- I think of one choice in particular...Would I make the same one again- In a heartbeat! It brought me to my cross-roads. I see clearly now-

I know what I did-
I know I chose to do it-
And finally- I understand the reason why...
And the WHY is quite insightful-
I know now
I understand
I accept
And there is such a sense of relief that washes over me

Dragon slayer
Swung in vain
Went to slay the dragon
But the dragon was already slain...

All that was left was a swipe
Out of spite
And even in that I have understanding, acceptance and yes surprisingly- peace...

As the last of the shackles and chains fall of-
I am tethered no more to the earth
I take flight- aimless for a while
I cried, hurt and bitter
For a while
And then I stopped
And I picked a road
I am
At the cross roads no more
And I did it all just now as I wrote
It comes to me

Understanding-
I am-
It is-
And all is as it should be-
And I understand...

And then-
I float

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

"Are you housebroken Madam?" "No sir- But I am a Bitche!"

So I post-
"Who wants to adopt a dog?" as my fb status and John Tucker queries-
"Are you house broken?"

Now I have to admit JT and I go a long way back all they to 2008-2009 and there is a steady stream of insults that goes back and forth. He secretly admires me greatly (I think I heard him gag)lol, and I take delight in rubbing it in.

Anyhoo, I told him
"Of course I am not anything "broken"!"
I am most indignant-
"Have you seen my track record of holding on to a man?!"
(If I were house broken I would have a man! I am not housebroken and I am therefore, man-less...)

And answer-less when it comes to said dog- sigh... I guess it is on to plan B for Broc-The ferocious. No airplane trip to Harrisburg for him I guess...I must admit it is gut wrenching to look into his eyes lately. He must go! For his sake and mine and dear old Bubbs too... what a sad state of affairs.

Incidently- Broc and I were watching Mr. & Mrs. Smith tonight.

Now that is a man's man! I decided that is what I need. A Mr. Smith- unafraid of a non house broken woman- I've been looking at all the wrong men and in all the wrong places and kissing too many frogs in hopes they'll be princes- And even when they turn into princess, a prince is not what I want at all. I want a bad boy! Bad and rotten to the core- But dashing too with a heart of gold- Yes, yes, it is an oxymoron... I know, but I want my oxymoron- I am an oxymoron after all... So yes, he must be bad, and dashing and be a freak in bed! He must be feisty and not a pushover, and he most definitely must NOT be someone I can bully (I am a GREAT bully!). He must never never try to own me (seriously!) and a liar he must not be- He has to be able to man up to me. I am woman from hell- so from Hades domain he must be too I guess, with some wings for fun and a halo to match for those sunny days when I deem to let the sunshine in... but for the most part he best be dark, and brooding... sigh...

Quite a tall order- I know-

And J-T has the audacity to ask if I am house broken!
I lift my leg up and piss to that! That is Bitche to you sir- JT- Bitche! I am most definitely not DOG-And certainly NOT house broken-
And I take pride in that...

Muah!
XXX
Bitche

Monday, November 1, 2010

Moondance-

I walked a mile in my shoes and I loved every minute of it
I took a journey with myself and it was a joy
I live my life
Sure on my feet
I love the skin I was born in
I trust my God
Who is mine not yours
And yes I am of the East
Middle and South
And the sun rises at my end
Each day a new dawn
And every night
There's moonlight
And stars shine
To my delight
And I am the me I always was and will be
And I am free
To soar and shine
Fall down and rise
Again and again
I am at ease
Just as I should be
Because I am irrevocably 
Unchangeably
Gloriously
ME!