this night...

a night of loves
a night of loss
a night of truths
a night of thought
a night of choice
a long night's voice...

can you hear it
what does it say
can you see it
what can it be
can you speak it
what would it say...

love
eternity- thrice i heard it
in just tonight
"you are worth eternity"
"a moment with you is eternity"
my head is spinning
have i been blind?
can I not see?
am i so stupid?
do i not read?

why?
why...
WHY?
do i get it wrong
every time

it sits there
waiting
patiently for me
it sits there
quiet
watching me
watching
in silence
in patience
watching
watching...

and i miss it
every time
always
wrong
every time

i lose it
unknowing
blind
BLIND!!

in a world full of men
men who love me
passionately
loyally
endearingly
honestly
truthfully
eternally
love me
love me...
LOVE ME!!!!

why can't i find
a man...
one man..
who can love me??

story of my life
...

Speechless...

Anonymous said-

Ik bar Kaha tu Hota

Kabhi samjha tu hota
Sirf ik bar
Sirf ik bar
“Teen alfaz” ko kaha tu hota

Ghalti sey hi sahi
Anjanay sey hi sahi
Satanay key liey hi sahi
Rulaney key liey hi sahi
Ik umeed ko Bandhaya tu hota
“Teen Alfaz” ko Kaha tu hota

“Teen Alfaz” par guzar jati zeest
Mujhey Azmaya tu hota
Koi nama bar hi sahi
Magar bhijwaya tu hota
Koi haseen naghma
gungunaya to hota


Tu tum dekh letien
Samajh jatien
Is ehsas per keh koi
Tum sey muhabat karta hai
Apney aap hi sey tanhai mien
lippat jatien
Aur agar kahien
Kabhi
Kaisay bhi
Tum laut aatien
Usi muqam par mujhey patien
Un “ Teen Alfaz” ki ehmiat
samajh jatien
Muskra Jatien
Beshak phir bhi
Thukra jatien
Munh mor jatien

Un Teen Alfaz ko seenay laga rakkhta mien
Sansoon mien basa rakhta mien
Deen eeman bana rakhta mien
Rooh mien saja rakhta mien

Faqt Teen Lafzoon ka Khel hai yeah
Qismat ka Ajab Dao pail hai yeah
Garcheh,
Aaj mujhey yaqeen hai yeh
Phir bhi tumhien na pa sakta mien
Apna na bana sakta mien
Magar
Apni nazar mien surkhroo hota mien
Jab tumharey rubaroo hota mien
Beshak na shamil-e-guftagoo hota mien
Doorr doorr hi hota mien
Kash!
Kash!
Kash!
Kahien bhooley sey hi sahi
tum teen lafz keh detien
Ghalti se hi sahi
Bin jazbat hi sahi
Magar keh detien

“Mera Intezar Karna”
“Mera Intezar Karna”
„Mera Intezar Karna“

Kash
Kahien tum faqt yeh keh detien
Sirf ik bar hi keh detien
Bholey se hi sahi
Magar keh detien.....

Beshak...phir tum na aatien
Zeest ki bheer mien kahien
Doob Jatien
Kho jatien
Goom ho jatien
Mujhey tu bhoolien thi tum
Apney aap ko bhi
Un teen alfaz ko bhi
Bhool jatien

Mujhey maloom rehta
Bar bar yeh dil kehta
Meri na koi
Jaga thi na hai
Bas un teen alfaz per sada
Appna basera Rehta
Ik namaloom sa hi sahi
Koi Bharam hi rehta
“Mera Intizar Karna”
Kash kabhi yeh kaha hota
Mujhko satanay ke liey hi sahi
Yeh kaha hota
Kash
Kash
Kash

Mr.Right / Wrong
Vltn 1996

Parallel

(Photograph by Sami Mughal...)

Sami and I are bloggie mates. We met, connected, clicked and gelled via the blogosphere. Interestingly we have become fabulous friends who have stood by and helped each other through some major life hurdles. Ever the cynics, we recently had happenstance occur at parallel moments that changed us from cynics to saps!!

We have had several parallels in our life and often giggle about them. We trade notes and laugh. We review the past and nod knowingly...

Sami was at Stonehenge recently, in person, on a mission of healing and growth.
Stonehenge-
Thought by some to be a place of healing...
I was at Stonehenge recently, in thought, on a mission of demise and decay.
Stonehenge-
Thought by some to be the place of death...

Interesting parallels
...

What does my life look like from your eyes??

Americanizing desi threw out this little nugget my way,

"Ever wonder what your life looks like from someone else'e eyes?"

I was intrigued, so I thought I'd leave it open and have my readers answer... After all those who have regularly followed my chronicled musings can make a fair guess at this one ;)

So Alley OooP! Folks...
Have at it- But please be kind even in honesty.

Self defeating behavior-

Ever seen those people who almost achieve success and yet never quite make it?
Ever been that person yourself?
Ever wondered why you just damn it all to hell and throw it all away?
Ever wish you could stop yourself?
Ever hated yourself?
Ever wallowed in self loathing?
Ever blamed yourself?
Ever doubted your own worth?
Ever thought that you did not deserve happiness?
Ever wondered why...?

Written By Anonymous....

These words so poignant... so beautiful,
so haunting, so true were penned for me...
I thought to post them here...
To honor a love so great
I feel humbled and unworthy to be the object of it.

Never was I the recipient of it
Nay, I was ever the object...
Never did I accept of it
Nay, I was ever the subject...
So here they are
These words
Penned by a lover
Once lost
Ever lost
And even when found
Never found...




Sab Kutch Uska…..Aur.......... Woh Uski.......
(USKI appearing 2nd time is for The one u loved/love now……and 1st one is U )


Mera dil tumharey liey
Tum mien arzoo uski
Mera karb tumharey liey
Tum mien khushboo uski

Meri sochien uski
Uski sochien uski
Meri batien uski
Uski ratien uski
Meri bandagi uski
Uski zindagi uski
Meri tarhan na ho koi
Tahi daman khali hath
Mera sab raha tumhara
Magar tum rahi uski


Gummann
Muddat baad yeh gumman hoa keh bahar aii hai
Maalom na tha keh kam nasibi lai hai
Furqat mien bhi yeh gumman baais-e-sakoon tha
Kabhi na kabhi tu usko bhi meri yaad aii hai
Muddatien yeh nazrien rahien jiski muntazar
Aaj nazar bhi ai tu kia ai hai
Maloom hota hai keh aaj bhi wahien khara hoon mien
Jahan se ghiseet ke zindigi mujhe kabhi lai hai
Aisey karb ka samna hoa mujhey aaj, keh
Dar-o-deewar bhi bannay tamashai hien
Uski chahat, uski rooh rahi kisi aur ki
Hath merey ai tu faqat jugg hansai hai
Uski muhabbat pey nalan na ho aey dil
Jiski jo kismet hai woh hi usni paai hai
Mr. Right (Valtn 96)
Wrote these last night

uljhan

zindigai ki dorr
kaisay suljhaun main
uljhan-e-ruh
kaisay behlaun main

kashish-e-tammanna
baychani-e-wujood
giriftar-e-zaban
bayhiss-e-alam

kaisay dikhaun
kaisay niptaun
kaisay samjhaun
kaisay suljhaun

bay bassi
har taraf
bay bassi
hai anjam

kaisay
seh paun
kaisay
sunaun...

Crash and Burn!

(Oil on Canvas)

Tanhayi aur sukoot

Aaj bethay raho tanha yahan
Kay hujuum nahin hai...
Aaj saakit thero iss veeran
Kay awaz nahin hai...

Do lamhay jeelo aaj yahan
Kay koi nahin hai...
Do saans sissak lo aaj yahan
Kay shor nahin hai...

Khamosh hai aasmann
Khamosh yeh zamin
Khamosh hai khuda
Khamosh uski bandi

Kuch kehnay ki zaroorat nahin hai
Bandi keh siwa
Us kay rab kay siwa...
Yahan koi nahin hai

Yahan koi nahin hai
--------------------

Garajnay do---

Garajnay do
Barasnay do
Aaj is toofan ko dhalnay na do

Jab saara aasman
Bhay jayay
Bas dard seenay main reh jayay

To sar utha kar keh dey na
Aasman par saans qurban dayna
Maula ka naam pukar laina--

SHAH!
HUUU
ALLAH...
HUUU

The morning after the rebirth--

So I wake this morning feeling like I was hit with a 100 ton dead weight!
I have walked across flaming coals- yet again and now I am depleted... and in need of rest.

My mom e mailed me- worried and panicked, after reading my blog. I realize what a crazy life I live when my loved ones keep track of me via my writing... She told me she loves me, how much she loves me, how she sometimes does not show it in a way that I need, and that I am precious to her... and I should have what I need... from her... She brought tears to my eyes as I read.

I love you Ami-
I love you Abu-
I love you Shahamat-

You are my heart and soul...

My friends who are my family I love you too...

----------------------------------
And when the storm had passed
She stopped a moment
To look back
At the wasteland
And the carnage
That happened and yet did not

Where to go from here?

How to pick up the pieces
How to move on...
What parts of self to keep
What parts were no more...

Where to go from here?

She stood a while
She looked a while
She thought a while
And then she walked on...

To find a cave
And sit a while...

-------------------------------------------

thank you for this...

this one's for you-mastermindsnow

rebound>crash>burn----

What does it mean to REBOUND???

The fact that we take all the baggage and pain from a past relationship and decide that never again will we ever be treated like that or allow ourselves to feel like that again. I know I have been there...

The problem arises when we get into another relationship and it all comes back. Minor issues that we would not otherwise react to, or pick a battle over become defining moments. We are reminded of how we felt when we were poorly treated in the past and we make a stand to not put up with it. Whereas the present relationship is merely going over a speed-bump- it appears to be a mountain. And right there and then we take all the anger that is justifiably the ex's and project it onto the new person. We see the ex in the new person constantly. Every similar feeling that is aroused makes us view the hapless newcomer with suspicion. But is it really the new person's fault? Or is it our own unfinished business? Is it the fact that it is our feeling...?

And what of LOVE???
That stupid, ridiculous, amazing, incredible, helplessness??
What is one to do with that? It happens when it will, with whom it will, and there is no control over it whatsoever...
I am torn between wanting to call the person in love lucky and doomed....

And then there is DEATH!!!
The inevitable end to everything... life, relationships, friendships, love....
It all goes to waste in the end.
I was faced with it all today.
I was in it all today.

I WAS IT ALL TODAY!!!!

And what do I have left to show for it? Nothing....absolutely nothing except these three words- rebound>crash>burn....

Ironically someone I once called a friend asked me for three words today.
Ironically I talked about death in supervision today.
Ironically I was calling love when death called today.
Ironically I have neither love nor death today...

Ironically.... while I am shaken to my very core and while every fibre of my being has been betrayed, defeated, let down, brought to the ground today...

I was given my due of understanding and peace today- my little daughter, beautiful child, when I finally made it to pick her up...shaken and trembling with the tear stains dried on my cheeks... she took one look at me and then looked closer into my eyes as if she saw something... recognized a pain so deep that she must respect with the dignity of silence. She hugged me close. She stayed quiet... When we got to the car, she said-

"Mommy, you look very beautiful today... as if you know all of life today>.."

And I burst into tears at that little angel's perception. After I had taken a shower to wash away the fakeness of the world and attended to my prayer of thanks to my creator- my SHAH...

I came down to make dinner- she stepped up to me and said,
"I want to give you a gift...."
"What is it?" I asked
"It's a sentence." she said
"Tell me..." I asked
"The strong person stands up for them-self- The stronger person stands up for others..." she stated in a voice beyond her years...

My heart cracked open and what was left of it evaporated toward the heavens...
I shall be stronger and stand for others today. I shall take the high road and move on today. I shall forgive and forget today...
I shall be undone today....

shoaib...

kiya ajab ittifaq hai
kay tum ho aaj phir yahan
kiya ajab ittifaq hai
kay waqt phir say hai rawan

kiya ajab ittifaq hai
kay talaash yahan lay ayi
kiya ajab ittifaq hai
kiya dobara millan hai aaj

kiya ajab ittifaq hai
kay yaad hai hamain sab kuch
kiya ajab ittifaq hai
kay bhulay nahi ho tum

kiya ajab ittifaq hai
yay dastaan-e-zindagi
kiya ajab ittifaq hai
kay dorain hain milli hui

kiya ajab ittifaq hai
kay phir say dekha mainay
kiya ajab ittifaq hai
yeh zindagi jo hai meri

kiya ajab ittifaq hai...
kiya ajab ittifaq hai...

(this piece is written for my friend shoaib-bin-akram.... our lives have criss-crossed in so many ways at so many times and i am amazed to see him here again today. i have thought of him often. i have wondered if he was well. i am happy to know he is well. he informs me he has amnesia from serving his country in siachin. it reminds me of ABC and i am afraid for him. he has a beautiful family- a wife, a kid and another on the way (inshallah) and he is to serve another posting atop that treacherous glacier.... i am afraid for him. so dear readers please join me in saying a silent prayer for this man- my friend... who has walked alongside my life in many many ways... join me in saying a prayer for this brave soldier who stands on our border with his weapon held high- so we can sleep easy at night... join me in saying a prayer for this noble man and all others like him who make Pakistan what it is... who are not the politicians, nor the leaders, but at the end of the day... this noble man, this noble soldier and others like him... like my brother- Shahamat the beautiful shaheen of PAF... the hundreds of men and women like them... they are what Pakistan is all about. Pakistan is not about the Musharraf's and the ZArdari's Pakistan is about these people... like my friends the mighty lawyers who march fearless on the streets demanding justice...like my kaniggit who works from here- to make it right... that is what that country is about....)

oo tay malang ho challi...

lutaya ghar baar saara
chin lay gayay hansiyaan saadi
dil rullaya khakhan vich
tay hun phir kay karay pagli

oo tay malang ban challi...
oo tay malang ban challi...

na charo us diyan yadan
na chukku us tar ungli
na karro us diyyan galan
na wekho koi us waari

oo tay malang ban chali
oo tay malang ban chali

The accursed...

you've fled the cave- but now where do you go???
you've seen- but now what can you say?
you climb- but you only dig yourself in deeper...
you laugh- but in truth you only sob
and when you cry- the tears are dry
and when you look into my eyes- you see a truth that frightens you
why?

life- all sorts of fucked up?!!

rasputin- boney m

Momentary thought...

so i wondered that while "moment" seems to be the theme of late why not... eh??

anyway,i just had a fleeting shahnazness moment...
i longed for rain just now
a beautiful spring shower...
sudden
unexpected
short
here and then gone

i longed to run out and dance in the rain
feel the raindrops on my face
the trickle of them down my scalp and neck
the smell of the rain
earthy and warm

the shiver of excitement at the impusivity of that instant
a moment of complete abandon
i longed for that just now
i longed for some rain today....

Moments of complete bliss...

So it is...

An Eggo waffle- the frozen kind, as a late night snack can make me the happiest woman on earth! Add to the mix the voice of my love... on the phone and it is absolute, and I mean complete bliss... (it would, of course, be heaven if he were here in person... but we can't win 'em all can we now ;)

But I digress from my aimless musings...

I am blessed because I am made easily happy with the simple things. It is the little nuggets of delight found hidden here and there, everywhere, that make my day. A well brewed cup of Earl Gray- pure joy! A sweet and tender phrase- and I melt into a puddle of ooey gooeyness...

Sleeping in late. Peanut butter and Nutella. Cuddles and hugs. A favorite song, unexpectedly on the radio... A piece of chocolate. A friend at the door. And yes my work... I am a dork, but hey I love what I do- making feeling magic is the most awesome thing ever...

A whiff of a smell, familiar and comforting. A memory so tangible you could reach out and touch it. Words so beautiful- conversations that never end... People who're there, really give of themselves to you... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

That is the bliss of life!

So world.
Keep all your trinkets...
Give me the little things
Give me them everyday
Make me a happy woman
The rest of my days
....

Salut!

deewanapan aur kashish

kiya kashsish hai yeh
deewana pan hai yeh
kheechay chala jata hai
pukarta hai mujhay

deewana bana deta hai hamay

yeh andaaz hai purana
yeh ehsaas hai puraana
yeh khel hai tumhara
ek bhase hai tumhara

deewana bana deta hai siyanay ko bhi

jab dor hathon main thi
tab chor kyun dee
jab dor mil gayi
kissi aur ki hui

deewana bana gayi tum ko bhi

kiya kashsish hai yeh
jo taapish hai yeh
deewana pan hai
afsaana hai yeh

deewanagi hai yeh
afsaana hai yeh
kiya khel hai yeh?

na chayro issay
rehnay do issay
jeenay do hamay

abhi to huway hain
zinda yahan
kyun karta ho vaar
dobara yahan

woh raat reh gayi
woh baat reh gayi

jo honi thi
woh mulakat
reh gayi

ham hain anjaanay
bay umeed
parwanay
ab yahan

kissi aur kay huway
do dewaanay
abh yahan

ab rahnay bhi do
jeenay bhi to do

khak may mill gayi yeh kahani ab yahan

That Moment...

You know that turning point in your life... That make it or break it moment- The defining instant. That lets you know- we are okay... we are strong, we are solid. Or we are not and this is not it. I am so there now.

At both points simultaneously....
With two different people.

I despise mindless and useless games. They are a waste of time. Of energy. Games are for the initial stages... for gauging and foreplay. After you settle into relationships- games are best left at the door. Be that any kind of relationship. A good solid game will completely destroy it. I don't do power struggles. I don't fight ego wars. I want to be happy. I don't enjoy misery.

What I have trouble with is guilt....
I do not like causing pain.
I like to heal.
I like to love.
I like to be liked.
I like to be loved.

But today...
Yes today...

I am tired.
I tire of pettiness
I tire of mind games
I tire of trying to help
I tire of trying to be there
I tire of being shut out
I tire of passive aggressiveness
I tire of being emotionally manipulated
I tire of being toyed with

When I am needed and when I am called for I will try to do all I can to help...

But for now-
I am going to pull a Shahnaz
I am going to save what's left...
I am going to pick myself up from your doorstep and I am going to walk away...

I shall knock no more.
I shall wait no more.

You know where to find me.
I will always be here if you need me.
But for now
I will wait here no more
I have left the building...

There is a time and a place for everything.
I have lived.
I have learned.
One thing that I learned is never to stay for longer than is necessary.
It is no longer necessary for me to stay.

Peace!

Raks-e haqeeqi...

SHAH
meray aqa
kar kubul
yeh dua

teray ISHQ main
madhosh
rahay
dil yeh mera

teray dar par
basayra
ho mera
hamayshah

dewaana
haqeer
faqeer
hun tera

kar kubul
tu yeh
arzoo
yeh dua

rahay salaamat
yeh ISHQ
yeh ishq
mera...

I want a man like that....

i have a sister...
she is not my blood,
but she is my truth
the first time i ever spoke to her i was flying high...
and then i sensed a betrayal
in my existence
in my haven
she was the catalyst
to catastrophe
.....
but she needed to be
for she was sent to give me the truth
i asked her
she did not lie
when another did...
.....
through the lie
a truth was born
ties were made
.....
despite the lie
a truth was sought
but confusion came by
a deep haze settled
.....
ties that bind were forged
ties that bind were ripped asunder
truth was sought
.....

i am at my truth
it has been a long journey
i am weary
i am tired
i am ELATED!!!

i had my moment of truth
many moments of truth
and just now
i am there...

i sent anu this...



and she responded with...
I love that song,
I want a man like that!
And I thought to myself...

I love that song
I want a man like that
And last night
I heard that song in my head
And it brought tears to my eyes
......

Moments that take your breath away....

huu...

dance the dance of the dervish tonight...
for the moon is nigh
and the soul must leave
the body
and communion seek
with its maker
with its truth!
huu...
huu...

Grace...

I thought I heard a clap of thunder
And then I heard the universe shake
Restless soul
It broke the bonds
Of body
And away it went...

A word
Two words
Sacrifice
And
Destiny
Were my undoing

I was brought to my knees
In HIS presence
I sat and wept

My soul was ripped from my being
At attention it stood and shivered
As the truth
Before me waltzed
The magnitude...
The magnitude...
Of awareness

No words
No words

HUU
HUU
Shhh...

Come dance with me this night
O Soul of my soul
Whirl in the frenzy of the dervish
Bleed my soul and set it free
For to its maker
It must go!

Dance with me
In ecstasy
In freedom
In loss
In awareness
In Love
In you
In me
In HUU
Like this...
Always like this...

The conversation
Once broken
Now resumes

The drums are calling
The desert awaits
The sand is alive
The moon is high
The wilderness...
WAILS
The soul's torment

A voice is heard
It shatters.
My reverie...
It calls my name
Come to me...
COME
TO
ME!!!!

The heat arises
In my soul
I am feverish
I am shredded
From my being

I run...
I run...
The desert sands
I know this place
It is my home
I have been here
Many times before

Oh Betrayer
Oh Confidant
Oh Lover
Oh Love!

How many faces
How many masks
Shalt thou wear
Before I see
Thy true face

come to me...
in ageless ways

come to me
in nameless days

COME TO ME!!!
FACELESS

IN MANY WAYS

ALL THE WAYS

I HAVE SEEN THY ESSENCE
I HAVE SEEN THY FACE
I KNOW THEE NOW!!

and now i sit
and now i wait
and now
i bow
my head
....

in grace

...

love song

(Oil on canvas... 3/6/09)

Inspired by love and painted for him...
The music in my heart and soul
Who gave me "Angel..."
And made me whole
In whose arms
I found my bliss
In whose eyes I see myself

(The idea came to me after something Sami pointed out in my guitar sketch... thanks man!)

Update:
So Sami is online and he says...
"Shezza love the painting..."
I say...
"Yeah?"
He says...
"It forms a perfect sequel to the broken strings, it forms a perfect completion!"

And so he states the most simple and obvious truth!

Darling- Angel- You complete me!