Monday, December 5, 2011

Treading gently

treading gently
these roads i travel
softly weeping when the tears do come
smiling, laughing when sunshine kisses
learning, growing healing
every day
and each new breath is a blessing
burdened though the soul maybe
it grows anew and hopes and prays
and tough as the future looms
there is courage yet in my heart still
i see the sunrise pink and rosy
i see the sunset firey flames
and as i tread on gently down the way
i sing and hum my melody
acceptance slowly turns the tide
and loneliness is solitude
more and more each day
i cradle in my hands with care
each moment passing
lest despar
should ever shadow my will again
never, ever is my prayer
and so i tread on gently by
the morning star
and starry night
and it won't be long before one day
i'll turn a corner and exclaim
i am arrived
i have achieved
my destination is complete
i have found
meaning and the me in it
it is not long
i can smell it in the air
it is not far
i feel it in my bones
i am blessed
i am peace
i am love
my universe is complete
amen dear lord
for one more time
in your grace divine
i have flowered
i have gained
i have learned
to live my life
treading gently
my beautiful life-

Friday, November 11, 2011


..."I know I can't take one more step towards you
'cos all that's waiting is regret.
I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most..."

YOU were the one I loved the most-
It took looking at myself through my daughters eyes to see the truth. To see my pain. To see the hurt. To see the damage that one bastard caused. It took looking at myself through my child's eyes to see how often I had allowed him to take me for granted and rip me to shreds. It took my daughter's quiet observation to snap me out of my trance of weakness. It took me seeing myself as my child sees me to recognize my own strength and resolve...

"...But I have grown far too strong to ever fall back into your arms..."

She heard this in her music class yesterday and said that the lyrics hit close to her... and she had me listen to it after dinner last night...

..."you broke all your promises...
...don't come back for me, don't come back at all..."

You are my biggest mistake and my biggest regret to date-

Thursday, November 10, 2011


There is confusion
I am directionless
Shattered in soul
Broken in heart
Oh so alone...
I seem to have left every relationship I knew- so far behind....
I am forging some new ones and trying to mend those that have been in dire need of repair
I am unwilling to be taken for granted
I am unwilling to be misused and mistreated
I am unwilling to settle
for just anything...
less than what I want
I KNOW what I don't want
I am searching for what I do want
And it is so humbling
The loneliness
And the empty road before me
And even as I sit and contemplate the infinite road that lies before me
Going onward long into the distance
Even as it overwhelmes and terrifies me
Even as I shake and break into sobs at the immse task before me
I know I shall soon get up and begin to walk...
For a while I sit and I cry
I pray for courage and for strength
I carry my flask filled with hope to sustain me
I falter as I try to get up and stumble again to my knees
I touch my head to the earth
In recognition of my fear
In prayer to the lord above to give me grace
In acknowledgement of my present and of my past
I am nameless
And I am alone
And I contemplate the vastness of the universe of which I am a part
And I can think of only one word to give me strength
HE IS...
And thus I know I am
And this too shall pass...

Sunday, November 6, 2011

An ending

So tired
Of all the ugly words and all the games.

I loved with all my heart
Gave it all
Many times over
And I am left with my shame
Because I lost

But why the shame
Shame says I am...
I am not

I am love
I gave love
I tried with all my might
To make something right
That meant a lot to me...
Work out all right

I tried
I cried
I toiled
I fought
With every breath and fiber of me
For it
For my love

I guess some things
Are just NOT meant to be

And some people are just
NOT meant for us

What is mine will come my way
What is not will never stay

Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
Another story comes to a close
A new chapter must start

Breathe in
Walk on
Dear sweet tender loving heart...

Cherish your gifts
Hold them tight
Until there is one
That deserves them

And this time
Love is born of the three-

Friday, October 28, 2011

how and why...

speak to me of love...

many ask "how do you love me...?"
I ask "why do you love me?"

I left a love recently
he asked me how
he asked me when
he never asked me why...

when i told him why
he did not believe
there was doubt
there was mistrust
and anger born of both

i tire of anger
it is in vain
an overcoat emotion
masking what is underneath

speak to me of what lies beneath
speak to me of the why
i care not for the how...

i love a friend of mine
i love him dearly
he is in love with me
that is his misery
i don't even see him much...

my lover does not see
me or my love
he sees in his jealousy
only the past
he dreams up a future
is angry at the past
but in my present
i am lonely
he is never with me
in my now
in my here
in my present
he does not answer
when i ask him why
he does not hear me
when i tell him why...

he wants to know
and when
and where
he does not ask

i go to my friend
i tell him why
he is angry too
and he makes me cry
he is in love
that is his miery
i don't see him much...

i love my lover like a woman loves a man
i love my lover like a lifetime of choice
i want my lover
i want him with a free will
i want and i desire
i do not need the man
i tell him why...
but he does not understand

he asks me to speak of need
he asks me how and what and where and when
he never asks me why

i love my friend
in him i can see me
he is like a mirror
to me
we are like railroad tracks
we run parallel but we will never meet
i tell him this
it is no crime to love
i do not love him as a woman loves a man
i love him like a breeze that blows across the grassland
i do not see him much...
but there will be others
in whom i will reflect a part of me
i will be drawn to them
i will love them
because they give me back a part of me
because they let me see
another side of me
because they let me be
they will come
they will go
i will love them all
like a breeze across the grassland
like a wave upon the sand
never like a woman loves a man

i spoke to my friends the other day
they tell me of need
of the human condition
of hows and whats and whens
but what about why?
no one ever asks that

tell me why?

why must i need
why can't i want
and that be enough
why can't i love
my friend and my lover too
after all i have plenty of love

it is because of the what and where and when
that trouble seeps in
i know this

i know it all
but if you will pause
for just a moment
and give me an ear
an open honest ear

let me tell you why-
please understand...

my why-
i  have many

there is the why of fear
i am afraid if i commit i will lose
lose my freedom
my ability to experience
my life
as i choose and want to

let me tell you another why
there is the why of need
i need my choice
i need my freedom
i need to be me
those are needs
they are not wants

i want my lover
i need me
i want my lover
i need choice
i want my lover
i need my freedom

can my want and need coexist
i don't want more than my lover
i don't want many lovers
my freedom and choice and me
do not mean much else than just that
simply put
i am a simple me
free to choose free to be

and that is the only
the simplest the biggest
that is why...

is there someone
who can understand
me and my why...

don't scold the lover

Moses heard a shepherd on the road praying:

“Lord, where are you? I want to help you, to fix your shoes and comb your hair. I want to wash your clothes and pick the lice off.
“I want to bring you milk to kiss your little hands and feet when it’s time for you to go to bed.
“I want to sweep your room and keep it neat. God, my sheep and goats are yours. ”

“Who are you talking to?” Moses could stand it no longer.
“Only something that grows needs milk. Only some one with feet needs shoes. Not G’d!”

The shepherd repented and tore his clothes and sighed and wandered out into the desert.
A sudden revelation came then to Moses.

You have separated me from one of my own.

“Did you come as a Prophet to unite, or to sever?
“I have given each being a separate and unique way of seeing and knowing and saying that knowledge.
“What seems wrong to you is right for him.
“What is poison to one is honey to someone else.
“Purity and impurity, sloth and diligence in worship, these mean nothing to me.
“I am apart from all that. Ways of worshiping are not to be ranked as better or worse than one another.
“It’s not me that’s glorified in acts of worship. It’s the worshipers!
“I don’t hear the words they say. I look inside at the humility.
“Forget phraseology. I want burning, burning. Be friends with your burning.
“Burn up your thinking and your forms of expression!
“Lovers are who burn...
“Don’t scold the Lover. The “wrong” way he talks is better than a hundred “right” ways of others.
“When you look in a mirror, you see yourself, not the state of the mirror.
“The flute player puts breath into a flute, and who makes the music?
“Not the flute. The flute player!
“Whenever you speak praise or thanksgiving to Me, it’s always like this dear shepherd’s simplicity.”

from Rumi’s “Moses and the Sheperd”, translated by Coleman Barks

Thursday, October 27, 2011

like an outburst of energy
a supernova
a leap into the unknown
i took a breath
and i fell
i hit the waves
and shattered into a zillion splinters
shimmering for a brief second
and then slowly submerged
unable to breathe
panic stricken
slowly dying
and then worth kicked in
worth which is me
by virtue of being
worth kicked in
the struggle to live
to be
without apology
without regret
without shame
without name
and so
i am

i can almost feel the chill of understanding when i finally hear the meaning in the lyrics of a song i never really understood in a way i do now

come undone- duran duran


it is a new beginning indeed-

after a restless moment
after the scramble to find your number
after an email
and another and then a third
i remembered who i am
i found the one i had lost
like this...
and with that reading came
the outflow of passion
mine by right
i remembered
who i am
i remembered why
i remembered
once before i had sent
"teray ishq ki inteha chahta hun..."
i remembered
how i died
in small increments
again and again
as i sat
as i wasted
as i wept
as i begged
in vain
for your love
for a piece of you
for some vindication
and day by day
as it all fell through
a part of me went away too
i have not painted since
"fuck you life"
i have not written since valentine
and today my friend said to me
i need to learn how to let a man be a man
and another commented
i already know how
i am just struggling to let go
and it dawned on me
just now
i do know how
i did let go
i fell
so hard
and lay in wait
for someone to help me up
and yet
why did i fall

because we must
in the fall is the break down
in the break the undoing
to be
we must first be undone
and so yes
like a world within a world
and self within a self
a soul in depth
in essence
like plato's cave
a reflection of the truth
and truth within a truth
the journey to the light
the source of knowing
and being and self
and soul and truth
therein lies creativity
and yes
i am undone
and thus
i am

Wednesday, October 19, 2011


letting go of what you never had...

Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentines, hearts, love, and all that jazz-

Another year...
Another me and I see so much more than these old eyes perceive.

This year I am me. A more complete me than I have ever been.
I am no longer lost. I am more found than I have ever been.
And I have awareness, in some part, of the meaning of life.
If I could put it simply- I understand Gandalf and where he said I would end up some day.
I am getting there.
I am on my way-
And I am completely at ease.
I am a little scared but that is normal.
I know what energy is...
And what it means.
I know what depletes mine...
And what feeds it.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

"...the sun itself sees not 'till heaven clears..."

SONNET 148 (William Shakespeare)

O me, what eyes hath Love put in my head,
Which have no correspondence with true sight!
Or, if they have, where is my judgment fled,
That censures falsely what they see aright?
If that be fair whereon my false eyes dote,
What means the world to say it is not so?
If it be not, then love doth well denote
Love's eye is not so true as all men's 'No.'
How can it? O, how can Love's eye be true,
That is so vex'd with watching and with tears?
No marvel then, though I mistake my view;
The sun itself sees not till heaven clears.
   O cunning Love! with tears thou keep'st me blind,
   Lest eyes well-seeing thy foul faults should find.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


some days i find some really surprising stuff-

thanks calmcool for bringing this to my attention. ahem- someone made a video montage of my pictures and posted it... a little freaky!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


to see a world in a grain of sand,
and a heaven in a wildflower,
hold infinity in the palm of your hand
and eternity in an hour

(william blake)

Do you know how to dissolve into formlessness?
Know the vastness of a single fleck of nothing upon your sleeve.
And even with your bigger size
You realize
That the meaning of you
Is just a dream, within a dream
A pale reflection
Of a delectable confection
Laid bare before you
In the minutiae
- - -
Do you know of energy?
The fluidity of humility
The acceptance of everyday
Knowing that everything
As it comes
Simply is
- - -
Did you ever learn how to be static?
Whilst in the throes of flux
The torment of diffusion
That demanded stillness
- - -
When it happens would you recognize?
The expansion of awareness
That leaves you clueless
Forever teeter tottering on the brink of understanding
"Ana-al Haq!"

Monday, January 31, 2011

confuddled thoughts

Completely confuddled and confused today- Jumbled thoughts in an upside down way...

And interestingly- the music of this song- "World at Large" is the same as "Float On"- also by Modest Mouse... The tempo is different for this one.

Somewhere on the hard drive of my computer I have a video of "him" that I made while he played guitar hero to "Float On". It was the first time I had visited him at his place. I remember that like it was yesterday...

Same tune- different tempo
Same people-different zone
Same feeling-different tone

And around and around and around I go
Confused, lost, in circles-
Round and round and round
Just spinning
Like a wheel
Like a little girl
Like a pinwheel in the breeze...

And then speaking of pinwheels- there's that first day at the beach- and again
Confused, lost, circling, spinning
"Floating on"- trying to make my way in "The world at large..."

Thursday, January 27, 2011


Have you ever met those people with an ever so inflated sense of entitlement? Those who believe that the world does and should revolve around them? Yeah... we all know them right? Well I am happy to inform that I told one such person off today-

And very rightly so too!

Okay before we get into it, I have to say- for the record "I need a drink!" and it's barely noon....
Now to elaborate- There is a slight sprinkling of snow yesterday which may or may not have frozen on the roads today (I didn't encounter any ice!) and Ambar's school was delayed two hours.

Now this daughter of mine is a brilliant and beautiful kid. Responsible, smart, great, simply wonderful! 
This kid is so awesome that she completes her homework and has her book bag in the car ready to go the night before. Anyhoo....there is a two hour delay and the super great private school that she goes to will call you at 6:00am to let you know if there is a delay so if you don't have to be up you can just hit the snooze button and sleep some more. I am not one of those who has the luxury to do that, but I do know someone who does...or that is what my super entitled brain thinks when  that 6:am call comes through. So groggily I dial the number- to my ex hubby (and the new Mrs. Khawaja)(that's what I have to tell everyone who knows us- I am the "old" she is the "new" lol...) of course! After all his little wifey does not work. Sure she has a cake decorating class or what not and all but seriously, they live 1 minute away from her school. She could do the delayed drop off. And if it is icy I know for a fact she is not going out. But to no avail- alas- I believe they have started to screen my 6:00am post Westchester, call with delay,  calls. Hmmm I wonder

Now that was not the conundrum and I promise I will get to the point. SO The "new" cannot do the drop off and I call trusty old Mrs. Smith who, angel that she is, makes the 30 minute drive from her house to mine to watch Ambar for an hour before she has to take her to school.

Things go without a hitch-
Kid fed and hugged? check
Me fed and Advil-(ed)? (pms well as sniffles and general aches and pains from workout and cold!) check
Get to work in time? check
Make first meeting (off site) on time? check
And here is where it gets tricky...

At 10:05am look at cell phone- and I quote- "my book bag is in your car mom and now I am crying!" ACK! Mommy heart explosion!!!! Quadruple atria/ventricular spasms and whatnot! So I grab keys/scribble message on whiteboard outside office door/sprint down three flights of stairs and across campus to car/dial boss/start car and take off like a maniac down the street. It is now 10:10am. CRAP! Have a client at 11:00am! Dial boss's cell line. No answer. Dial Office line and tell her that I am on the road taking kid's book bag to kid. She chuckles and tells me to be safe on  the road.

Safe? ME? Safe? I am the woman who got that 25 over limit (at least that is what my speeding ticket attorney got it reduced to)(and yes I have an attorney just for speeding tickets)(get over it) ticket once.  I scour the roads for cops as I jam on the gas and watch the needle hit 100 and go over. "Please don't let me get a ticket, please don't let me get a ticket, I chant until Cake starts to play on the radio and then I simply head bang to Cake and cruise along with a mental note to self- try the Acuvue lenses...they probably have better vision focus- as I peer at the number plates of cars to determine if they are cop cars.

Long story short- Book Bag gets delivered. Kid has this glorious look of joy on her face. Kid's teacher looks amazed- "You drove from Greensboro?"
Yes ma'am- she's an amazing kid and I will do everything in my power to never let her down!

Get in car- It is now 10:45am!
OH CRAP- and then I start to curse in sixteen languages as I do a repeat of the "scout for cop cars" deal and another mental note of "try the Acuvue lenses" interspersed with the MOST inflated sense of entitlement that leads me to be angered at (and yes I still continue to utter my sixteen language curse monologue)- get this- all of the following- (chuckles!)

  • the "new wife" who is simply not worth the air she breathes some days (smirk) (very self satisfied smirk)
  • the slowpoke old biddy infront of me driving well within the speed limit (head shake/southern drivers!)
  • the TWO HOUR delay over what? sprinkles? I survived a blizzard in NYC for Pete's sake!!(ahhh
  • oh yet another old biddy who drives well within the speed limit (LMAO now)
  • any and all cops
  • The very state of NC which would on the spot relieve me of my Driver's License and put me behind bars for driving at the speed I am driving (gulp! fear!)
  • the sun which is in my eyes (fuck the sun for shining! how dare it shine? could it not shine at 5:00am and melt the snow hence eliminating the need for a delay?)
  • the school, for the delay (at this point I am laughing out loud!)
YEAH! fuck it all!!! I say with some great degree of smug self satisfaction as I do the internal mental (simultaneous and yet dichotomous with the cursing) other monologue of self evaluation-lol...

"Shahnaz- You are single-handedly the world's MOST atrociously spoiled and entitled, ridiculously self-inflated ego maniac, head banging (yes Cake is playing again!) 'make a sailor blush' curse machine (that monologue is still in full force...) who is a completely awesome driver and mom! (kudos and pat on back for self) and wow- Ishould really get myself a Mustang and see what I can make that baby do-lol..."

And I pull into the lot at exactly 11:05!
Quick sprint across campus and up three flights of stairs, clatter down the wooden hallway, remembering to breathe- in through nose and out through mouth- and turn the corner completely composed and presentable to see client waiting- Phew!
Make apologies- Settle in

"So tell me about your day so far..." I state


Thursday, January 20, 2011


I'm going away, " he said, "And I want you to know that I'm coming back. I love you because..."

"If what one finds is made of pure matter, it will never spoil. And one can always come back. If what you had found was only a moment of light, like the explosion of a star, you would find nothing on your return."

And I find that when I immerse-" it " is everywhere.

Image- "Imperfections" by Moz Saleem a very dear friend of mine. I found truth while browsing through his pictures today. I just wanted to wish him all the happiness ever with his "alien" or is she the "monster"?? Hugs Diane and Moz-

it- what we seek, awareness, experience, essence... the "ness" of things as in shahnazness' lifeness!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Status Updates

"Here's to the men that come with the dust and are gone with the wind..."
My friend- Brittany's- status on facebook!

And I couldn't agree more-
There are some, easy come-easy go, men that are a flash in the pan variety.
And then some "gung ho!" men that swear to dare but lack the wherewithal to follow through.
There are those "asshole creeps", that you wish you had known better than to-
There are the "constant bland" kind- that are too loving, too sweet, always there for you, yet ignite no sparks.
There are the wonderful "friends",with and without "benefits", but you know you'll never end up with them.
There are the spontaneous "flings", exciting, enjoyable, pleasant memories...
There are the "almost it" ones. You thought they were "it" but not quite.
There are the "perfect together" ones. Your friends/family/everyone thinks you are perfect for each other but somehow you miss seeing it.
Among others.... these are some of the MEN we women encounter in our lives

Monday, January 17, 2011

Letting go- The vacuum

Vacuum- a volume of space that is essentially free of matter.

  • Matter is made up of atoms- 
  • Break an atom- break a nucleus and you release energy- 
  • Hence it is safe to say that energy is also matter...
  • Energy is the ability to cause change or do work.

Thoughts are energy.
Feelings are energy

In the context of this post- assume that thought and feeling is also matter-

When we eliminate a thought
When we eliminate a feeling from our being
A vacuum is created
A void
An emptiness

I am in a state of void
I am in a state of emptiness
I am in a state of vacuum
And I suffer the consequences of a vacuum state

Any and all matter will rush to fill the vacuum.

I feel bombarded with thought/emotion/intent/malcontent
Is it any wonder, though, that in a vacuum
Any and all matter will rush to fill...

I sit and contemplate the state
Of my energy
When one is seeking transformation
One must first identify one's raw material
One must recognize one's latent state

I am in a state of latency
I am matter in transformation
I am energy in flux

I shall rethink the obtuse
I shall welcome the intrusion
I shall follow the distraction
I shall sit with all the thought/emotion/intent/malcontent
I shall know my energy raw material
I shall sit in a latent state of dormancy

And incubate
Until the transformation is complete
And the vacuum is no more the void/emptiness
Instead,  energy is crystallized
In my being/thought /emotion again

But for now-
Formlessness is my name.
I shall have faith

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Letting go- The wisdom

The individual has always had to struggle

to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.

If you try it,

you will be lonely often,

and sometimes frightened.

But no price is too high to pay

for the privilege

of owning yourself.


yes it is true

yes it is hard

yes it brings me to tears


yes- it is worth it!

so very worth it

The journey- Letting go

Letting go is the hardest part
It comes in stages
And lots of tears
Breaking and making
Growing up
Going up
Many steps
Always climbing
Until one day
You stand
And gaze down
At the view
At what you've achieved
And, yes...
You stand

Saturday, January 15, 2011


Dreamy green eyed Jake Gyllenhal
Mojo Joe-(asAmbar calls my coffee...:P)
Good Morning World!
I love Saturday-

I am debating whether I should have the funeral today or a different week?

Friday, January 14, 2011

Thursday, January 13, 2011

The journey- Accepting

Accepting is wisdom-
In wisdom we become... that which we are meant to be
Accepting is being- to accept is to be

Absorbing and soaking it all and percolating in the marinade of life and sum it- being!
Today I am in a state of "flow" as Csíkszentmihályi would state it... and this is where my journey has led me to and for this I am joyously grateful....

The golden age-

beautiful, soulful, haunting and delicate-

The journey- Breathing...


verb \ˈbrēth\

Definition of BREATHE

intransitive verb
a : to draw air into and expel it from the lungs : respire; broadly : to take in oxygen and give out carbon dioxide through natural processes b : to inhale and exhale freely
: live
a obsolete : to emit a fragrance or aura b : to become perceptible : be expressed breathes and that distinguishes his work — Bennett Schiff>
a : utter, express  b : to make manifest : evince breathes despair>
an interesting thing happened when i read the definition of the word...
interesting how all definitions mean- freeing, living, renewing, allow a becoming,
interesting how all definitions are gentle, are in flow...
interesting the state of acceptance and "being" in all definitions as if a peace exists simply, in the task...
because it does-
there is a gentle, freeing, renewing, peaceful, accepting, becoming- quality to the activity...
it is the single hardest and also the single easiest thing to do some days- breathe
yet the most fulfilling thing-
i focus on breathing today as i write this and i have to admit it is a most luxuriating experience for me- 
b r e a t h i n g   a n d   l i v i n g  

The journey- Studying

So it started while I was on vacation-
The study.
And it has continued every day since.
I learn a little bit more every day.
I learn about energy and me- I learn about letting it be and setting it free...
I learn that I am an eagle and not a chicken!
Only today- I was so excited to learn about me and how to be free and be rid of all the agony that I pranced downstairs to make coffee, after my shower, in my birthday suit! (Of course as luck would have it the neighbors were in their backyards prancing in the snow and may have gotten a gander...sigh...another reason I don't like winter- no leaves on my trees! When I have leaves I can prance about naked and no one is any the wiser. Now I must avoid eye contact with my neighbors for a week!lol)

I had to stop writing because..well because life happens while we are busy doing something else and I decided to stop doing something else and do life instead!

So anyhoo here I am back again-and was listening to Devotchka and had a heartache moment. Literally heart ACHED! Had to hold it. Crossed palms over bosom kinda achy deal...

Life is a study- of self and position of self in the context of the great. In the big picture- this heartache is but a fleck. In the big picture, this heartache is but a growing pain, learning- for something coming my way. So now when my heart aches- I hold it- crossed palms over bosom stance- and I listen to it. I listen to my heart. What it has to say. Why it hurts. How it hurts. What it yearns for. What it needs. What it wants. I ACCEPT the hurt. Welcome it even...because it allows me to know myself- better... and as is the case with continued study- there comes greater expertise and awareness... new insight and more questions of things yet unknown- So yes- I am studying and learning...

I am in my winter and soon will come my spring. I sit back in patient dormancy and soon now new things will bud and blossom for me...

I am okay. I accept it all- everything in my life... and I have made my peace. I live life on life's terms today... yes... I am okay.


Saturday, January 8, 2011

I am in heaven!

So who spends triple digits of cash at Claires???
Yours truly-

Okay the scoop on the loot-
You'll never believe it I scored the following
Fishnet cut off gloves- black fishnet, steel grey faux leather!
2 pair skull ear rings (yesh!!!)
Black Jelly bangles- OMG so very very retro...*giggle*
Black zipper heart- open heart necklace! I didn't realize they made them anymore- I had a leather one that actually zipped up!!!! This one's only plastic, but WHAT a find! :)
Silver beaded assorted bangles
Studded strap bracelet-
Yet another bronze snake ring- yay!
Assorted owl/leaf/stone rings
Dangly spike ear rings-

I am in goth heaven!!!!

And for my munchkin- s
Silver dangly ear rings- her first pair! she's growing up- sigh...
Black and silver hair bow band- she looks super chic in it
And a new leather wallet for my 'almost grown up' little angel...

PS- she's called dibs on most of my stuff too!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011


So IQ and I are chatting today and we rant about the assassination of Salman Taseer. I was telling him of my very honest and public opinions and comments and he cautions me to be careful. His gentle reminder is not in jest. It really is that bad these days. We laughed over the fact that I am pretty much a sitting duck at this point-

For the record I still stand by my views- It is not godliness to KILL  in the name of GOD! A murderer is a murderer and not a martyr! I think I threw up a little in my mouth when I read that he was received in the courthouse with a shower of rose petals and embraces and applause- absolutely disgusting.

There- I got that off my chest- so now if I get whacked by some psycho at least I go in peace-

Gandalf- less

Wednesday seems sadly incomplete without my weekly dose of wisdom-

Gandalf is unwell and out for a month. I worry about him. He is the closest thing to fatherly wisdom I have and I begin to panic. He has already told me that I need to hurry up and get happy, because he would like to see me happy before he dies. And I have jokingly told him that he is not allowed to kick the bucket until I am at happiness... and while morbid as it sounds, when he takes a turn for the worse- my tender heart flutters in panic.

People out there- will you join me in a prayer for one of the most wonderful person I know

The journey-Listening

I am a good listener.
I am a terrible listener.
I am both.
It is true...

When I listen to my heart, unafraid of what it has to say- I am a great listener. When I am frozen stiff by the fears in my heart, I turn a deaf ear, I am a terrible listener. I know this fact.

When I anticipate hearing things that scare me- that will hurt me and break me- I panic. I turn my hearing off and I talk. I am a despotic oaf at that time. Rigid, Dogmatic. Authoritarian. Absolute. Uncompromising. A terrible, terrible listener. I will out talk and out argue most anyone alive. Blessed with the gift of gab, and charming manner, sweet smile and all- most will out of kindness, and compassion, love and adoration, inarticulateness and what not- allow me to blunder forth and do so. My dear hearts- who have for years done so- let me win- because you love me- I am so sorry for the insufferable pain I have been. Forgive me- I have been an ass...

This journey- I listened. Not to others, but to  myself. I listened to my fears. My insecurities. My hurts and my worries. I listened to my broken heart- that spoke of pain and of love despite the pain. I did not "should" it, or "would" it...I merely listened to it and it melted into salt... I cried a lot as I listened. And it was healing. I always was so scared of pain and loss. Being scared of it does not make it go away. It just adds more to the mix. The key lies in acceptance. Courage is not- in my opinion- overcoming fear. Courage is accepting fear and proceeding in spite of it.

Am I as afraid as I have ever been. Most certainly. Do I know my fears now- yes. They cease to own me now. I own them. I accept them. I embrace them. And I march onward. They break my heart and tear at my soul. And that too, is okay. My heart and soul have more elasticity now that I accept. There is more fluidity. The threshold for endurance is enhanced with acceptance. There comes a release when there comes acceptance. All the energy that was heretofore wasted on fighting acceptance, now is released and available to create flexibility and generate fluidity.

If I can listen to my fears- I can name them. They cannot catch me unawares and I am not betrayed by my own self, my own weakness in fear. My fear is my strength because it is a known beast. Listening starts with the heart. With knowing your own soul. Once you can know your own soul- you can know your destiny...after all your soul is the soul of God- It was breathed into you by Him-
If you know your soul- you know God- you know everything there is to know...

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

When the Godless claim godliness...who shall be the judge?

Salman Taseer dead-
Gunned down by one of his own guards...

In a time when the godless claim Godliness and take lives in His name, who shall be the judge? How long shall there be death in His name? And how do those who claim to be holy justify unholiness in the name of God? Is this what your God demands you to do? Is this what your God commands you to do?

The journey- Seeking

I was seeking, searching, looking desperately for something and never knowing what it was I sought- restless beyond belief I looked- everywhere. At everyone. At everything. Wondering, is it you, is that it? What I am seeking. Where is it? But I never knew... I never found it. I was trying too hard. So I did something different in my search. Instead of looking in specifics I just went seeking in abstracts- and boy did I find it-

I found all that was needed. I found all that I will ever need.

You see, I am a thankless creature. A spoiled brat to the core! I want what I want when I want it- What an inflated sense of entitlement I delude myself with... That is not what living is about. Life is a journey. Life is a gift. Seek it and you shall find it. Whatever it is... but be not specific- how can you? How can you know what will make you happy? What will comfort. That is a surprise. The specifics are limiting. When we delve into specifics we subtract all else and that is a gross injustice to our being. I never found a single specific. Not a one. Instead I found so many surprising treasures, I would have missed otherwise, because I was focused on and blinded by my search and my craving for a specific.

Yes I found all that I will ever need. All that I will ever want. Just not in the ways that I have been aiming at. But does that mean that they are any less desirable...hardly. It is I who has made them that way. And the minute I changed me, it all changed too... I found all that I will ever need- and it all resides and rests in me...

I went seeking and I found it all-

The journey- Walking

I walked NYC...
I was not trying to get anywhere really... I just felt that I needed to start walking-

I love to do that. But this time I decided to do it alone- Step out alone and just walk. Going where my feet will take me.  And it was great. I highly recommend taking a vacation all alone, to everyone. It is the most exhilarating thing in the world to do. I had moments where I asked myself, "what the fuck am I doing? Here alone, over the holidays, far away from everyone I know and refusing to be with anyone I know..." and I have to admit it was a little daunting at first. But I had come to do just that and so I did. When the room mates got too familiar I left them too. I needed to be alone- completely alone.

And all the while I walked. And with each step came peace. And my spirit was nourished and my soul renewed. When my heart said stop, I did. And every time I stopped there was a purpose, some universal design. I met someone I was supposed to meet... They gave me company. They gave me something that was needed by my heart and soul. Some gave wisdom. Some companionship. Some gave comfort. Some inspired me. Some gave laughter... and thus I walked and I learned again how to live alone and be alone.

And then it occurred to me. When I first started walking, I had no clue why I walked, why I NEEDED to walk, but I did. I NEEDED it, and before I knew it I had arrived. I had again learned to be me. I had learned again to be alone. And it did not scare me or break my heart any more. I am alone. And it is okay- I had arrived.

Monday, January 3, 2011

The journey- Looking

And this what I saw-

"and in this world are signs for those who can see..."
"and which of my signs will you deny..."

and i saw many signs...

here is the first-

I don't even know me at all... and this journey was like reading all about me- who I am, what I am... all that Khawaja

I saw love-

Funny thing is that  I had forgotten that people do love me... even though I have lost the love of one man...there is love out there that I have refused to see. And it surprised me to start to see it again... To know I am loved. By so many...

and this-

How many millions of snow flakes and no two the many million hearts, and people and thoughts, how many lives we touch and those that touch many experiences...and all unique and one of a kind- like me- I am the only me I will ever be- and in my own self complete- flawed, broken, beautiful, ugly, lost, found, mean and kind...all me, just me and the only me there ever will be... and I am arriving at being at peace with me...

 A Grand Central Station table top-

Amidst the hustle and bustle, rush and crunch of life, we touch so much and don't even see it. It is like touching something with a gloved hand- impersonal, un-experienced, no contact made... how much do I miss when I do that. And yes I spent a large part of my last day at Grand Central too and it was great. One of the best evenings of my whole trip- The place slows down. People leave. And still I remained. And even with people leaving, there will always be some who stay with me because they choose to stay and be there with me, because that is where they would rather be than anywhere else...and that is what I need to wait for and to find- those who choose to stay because that is where they would rather be than anywhere else...even when the last person has left. And when they leave, they leave with me. And when they are there I need to remember to take my gloves off and touch them, really feel them and  let them really touch me too and not keep the gloves on all the time...creating layers of separation and de-personalization...

I saw God-

And he let me...
I walked past St. Patrick's cathedral the first time and did not see Him. And I snapped a picture because I thought He looked beautiful and went around the block- distracted by meaninglessness... and even in the meaninglessness I saw beauty/fun/entertainment/all nice but not really much substance- bubbles and light shows, crystals and bows..and then I turned the corner and saw God again as he waited for me to approach and I walked right past and looked back a second time and He was open, waiting, welcoming me to enter and so I did- "why not?" I thought, "i just as well might..." And the minute I did, I stepped in and choked up. I looked left and I looked right. I had forgotten what to do. Do I snap a picture. Do I look around. What do you do in the presence of God? And then I sat. Just sat with Him. In Him. He sat in me. And I cried. I sat there and I cried, cried, cried... And when it was time to go because it was time to close, I got up and I lit a candle and I took God with me and I left...

And He showed me this-

He told me to hold on because the next one would be a -Happier Year-

I saw my life-

Knotted and stiff, hanging up on a wall, in a museum- And people came to gaze upon it and state "Oh wow!" and "You don't say..." They all had words and thoughts and ideas and I was in twists and turns as I tried to think, do, be what  they said. And then I just gave up and walked away. I am who I am. And yes, I am twisted and torn. I am stiff and at times forlorn. I am hanging up on a wall- and that is o k a y. . .

I saw someone who is "34 and scarred"

yes that was the title of the piece- 34 and scarred- and I thought well I am 32 and scarred. Cut deep and stitched. And I thought, "well better to be scarred at 32 and not at 34. By the time I get to 34 life will be good..." So I bade him farewell and walked on.

And then at last I got to see what I had come to see and did not even know I had come to see this-

It was a Klimt- the only one there.
It was a Klimt- how did they know he was the one I care to see the most...?
It was not just a Klimt, it was THE Klimt I needed to see, had come to see, was meant to see... above all the other Klimt's,  this day-
It was called simply- "hope"-
Hope is a four letter word-
And it was beautiful
Like hope is-beautiful and divine...
It was a woman, her belly swollen in pregnancy as she gazes down... and there are three women more with heads also down, perhaps in acknowledgment and awe, perhaps in mourning, I don't know...
I recalled that I wanted that. All of it. Hope. Another child. Love.
And I saw my hope-
This was my Klimt-
Like his Kiss- that one is mine too.
So I secretly collected this too.
And after looking at this one I left-
I did not stay to look anymore.
I had seen what I had come to see and did no even know that I had come to see it- but now that I had, I left.

I saw magic-a ball explode into confetti as the clock struck 12! On Times square- there quite by chance, right under the ball, with no wait, right in the middle where no one is allowed, because of luck? Chance? Design...?

But that was not the magic- After that ball exploded, I walked for miles, and took my coat off and put it back on many times. I went to the other end of town and had the best hot chocolate ever. I rode the subway. Walked a few blocks back home. Changed and saw nothing. Went to bed and woke up... and in the morning I saw it- a single piece- red in color- rectangular in shape- unmistakable for what it was- a single piece of confetti from that exploding ball, that held on. Clung to me. Walked all over around town and about- And I never even knew it until just now... It could have dislodged at any point. Fallen off somewhere. Honestly I could not even figure out where it had lodged on my being. It simply was- simply there, come home with me, mine to keep- just because! I looked and I saw magic! My magic. My single piece of confetti-

I saw a squirrel and it talked to me- I swear it. It talked to me. It came up on it's hind legs and twitched it's nose and chirrupped sort of. And then came right up to me and put it's paws on my boot and chirrupped again... I snapped a pic and I believe  the flash startled it.

But I looked and I saw myself in harmony with the world- So much so that a squirrel thought I was a rodent too and came over to say hello- I looked and now I know- peace is a universal language- across species. In order to look and to see and know anything- there must at first be peace-
Peace makes you accept. Acceptance makes you open. When you are open you will look and you will see. And so I saw-

I saw that I was a tree-

Firmly rooted.
I saw that my life is entangled. Much like the nether branches, entwined in delicate tendrils with other branches in a musical medley of matter. I looked and I saw my strength. Like the tree I stand tall. I looked and I saw that I am stripped of leaves at this point- in the winter- of my time. I looked and saw that I am dark and stark. That I stand alone in the cold. But then so do other trees. We all stand alone. And yet we touch in delicate and tender soft tendrils. We touch each other, other trees. In our roots and our branches. But our cores are solitary. The trunk stands alone. No trunk of any tree ever touches another trunk. I looked and I saw- I have roots and they must touch other roots. I will always have family, no matter how angry I am at them. I looked and I saw that I will always have branches and they will touch other branches and that it is okay to entwine with them. It will not rob my trunk of it's independence- My trunk will always stand alone and solitary, independent, strong. What holds me up, makes me tall- will always be me. And so I looked at the trees- and saw me-

Yes- I went looking on my journey-And I saw...

The journey-

Look and you will see
Walk and you will arrive
Seek and you will find
Listen and you will hear
Study and you will learn
Breathe and you will live
Accept and you will be
Let go and it will...

In a nut shell- that was my journey; that was my gain in wisdom, that was my healing this vacation...

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Stepping out into a new year and a new decade

Headed out- first steps into the sunshine of 2011...NYC you have done it again, healed me and brought me back to life, peace and acceptance. yes, for me, the city is a lady and she heals and she she renews... I love you NYC! Last day and it will be perfect- I know it. I feel it in my bones...

God in my heart, courage in my soul and hope alive in every breath-

I am ready to face anything!


What will be will be-

I learned that lesson in the days leading up to this date. If I set out on my journey with faith in my soul and courage in my heart, despite the fears in my being, I shall end up where I am meant to be... (That is the philosophical story)

I started out this year right-
I  started out this year sweet-
I started out this year in chocolate...
The best start there is-
(This is the tidbit story)

More to come on both...philosophical and tidbits...
The road to self discovery and peace nears its end. And a lot has been learned along the way. Stay tuned...I shall be writing soon. For now here is the last thing I did to bring in 2011- Max Brenner's choc shop in Union Square is great eats! Chocolate by the bald man. Thick hot chocolate (milk) infused with a little chilli spice and coconut in the signature hugmug. A peanut butter and ganache crepe, with fried bananas, vanilla ice creme and caramel peanuts with some chocolate sauce.... yummmmmmmmmm and I brought home left overs for brekkie! Happy New Year folks!