Sunday, July 26, 2009

Pooh Bear

Ever known a human who had NOISE inside their head?
The whirling, churning, deafening sound of thoughts that were always cooking up in that little space-
Well that is me!

I have a noisy head.
I think ALL the time.
And I don't intend it...
It just is-

My favorite moments, however, are those in which I have a quiet mind.
Those blissful seconds during which I am at peace.
At peace.

I get to that place from time to time on my own...
Jump out of a plane at 18000 feet- 90 seconds of free fall and three and a half minutes of drifting through air will afford me 5 minutes of that feeling.

Riding a prize stallion over a jump course demands concentration- and yes, that too will afford me a few moments of silent bliss. On occasion painting will get me there...

And then there are those people- in whose presence- there is a "feeling" of peaceful silence, stillness, contentment.

I love being around those people.
They give me peace-
My mind is silent in their company.
I am free.
I am me.
With them....

A walk on the beach...
Dancing as the sun sets and the band plays and the waves break on the shore.
Lying down in the sun as the little whirling pin-wheel brings back memories of music videos and embarrassing "lost" moments while you laugh non-stop...
Goofy Russian accents!
That come to life at airports...
Climbing up walls.
Holding hands.
Saturday afternoons.


Those are Pooh Bear moments-
Warm Fuzzy
Puddle of Goo moments!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

How long??

And so I sat in his office
A little late
A little lost
A lot confused
And somewhat found
And it came up
Yet again
The old hurt
The same old pain

It caught me off guard
And I teared up
As I struggled to hold it all back
And yet let go--

How long?
How long...

Shall the old pain last
The old ache-
And Break
And take
My breath away???

How long?

Shall the heart seek approval
Unconditional love

How long?
How long...

I asked
Out loud
In silence
In thought
In words

How long?
How long...

And even as I asked
I knew-
As long
As it takes...

I shall sit with it
I shall BE with it
I shall feel it
I shall grieve it
I shall give it
All that it takes

All that it takes...
As long as it takes
Whatever it takes
And then
One day
I shall be free of it

That is how long
I shall take
How far
I shall go
How high
I shall soar

One day-
After all
I shall be healed
I shall be whole
I shall be free
Of it all

How long?
As long
As it takes

As long as it takes...

Healing circle-

I sat in a circle---
In a healing circle this day.

I was in the midst of peace and turmoil---
In a healing circle this day.

I felt my heart ache and break---
In a healing circle this day.

I shed a tear, maybe two or three---
In a healing circle this day.

I heard a man speak,
I saw a woman cry,
I felt a heart crack,
In a healing circle this day.

I was silent.
I was uplifted.
I was a part...
A part of-
A healing circle this day...

There was a sound
Of loss
Of anger
Of hurt

There was a scream
Of anguish
Of misery
Of pain

A silent scream...

There was fog
So deep and so thick
That numbness engulfed
And yet

Despite it all
There was courage
Sacred souls
Lost souls
Struggling souls


In a healing circle- this day...

It was a joy
It was an honor
It was a gift

To be a part of...
The healing circle this day...

The blessing and the peace
The comfort and the grace
Of the healing circle
The healing circle this day---


Nadeem commented-

Give MArks to Shahnaz,
My marks are infront of each head

Nakhre - (2/10)

Aawaz- (8/10)( I like pushto
awaz in ABC)

Chalaki - (Not Applicable for me
as i dont know)

Khobsorti- (10/10)

Aadat- (Not Applicable as i dont
(Know habits)

Smile- (5/10)

Dosti- (zero/10)

Style- (9/10)

Bharosa- ( Not applicable, i
havent tested)

**** Please mark with integrity on basis of honesty and facts, and buttering waghera nahi chalay gi........

tc guys n gilz

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Black & White!

A friend of mine did this for me...
I love it- Thanks Rizwan--

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Tera mera rishta purana-

I had a friend once send me this song because he said it symbolized our friendship-- I heard it only once. I recently "borrowed" (read stole...) some CDs from a pal and heard it again on one of them. It took me quite by surprise and I was reminded of him instantly when the song came on while I sat in my office puttering away at afternoon tasks-

Here it is

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

It's a new me--

It starting to happen-

The new me is starting to evolve, blossom, sprout... and it feels great! There is the old me still, and there is also this new me... a seasoned, more mellow me. I am not there yet, but what I am is a good thing. I am pleased with it. There is blurryness still. And I am okay with it! That is NEW for me- and still- I love every minute of it.

The discovery.
The journey.
The search.
The finding.
The learning.
The growth.
The awareness.
The stumbles.
The moving on despite it all....

Yes, it is a good me.

I am pleased with it.

Today I am content.
Today I am at peace.
Today I am blissful.
Today I am happy.

Today I have it all-

Today this is me



This was my favorite piece at an art gallery in Houston...
And all I wanted when I saw it- was this- for me...
All I have ever wanted, ever... was this- for me.


And is me...

And it is a good day.
It is a great day.
It is an awesome day...
And I'm

"FEELIN' GOOD"'s a new dawn, it's a new day, its a new life for me...

Saturday, July 11, 2009


veeran-e-sehra main kya talaash rahi

khud ko jo dhunda to aghosh may ja parhi

samadar ki gehrahi hun main

asmaan ki unchai hun main

jab samjha hi khud ko nahi

to talaash phir kya rahi


Friday, July 10, 2009

Life's terms-

It comes when you need it most
It is when the time is right
It happens when it will
And that is when you realize\\

Sometimes you gotta live-
Live life on life's terms-

It creeps unawares
It swoops down in waves
It sweeps you off your feet
And that is when you realize\\

There is a purpose-
A purpose to everything-

And that is when you realize\\

Life is-
Life is-

And you are life-
...and life's terms...
You gotta-
Live life on life's terms!

Free- At last...

And it happened, this very minute... I was set free, at last.

It has been coming for a while...I have been working at it, and sure enough, in little increments, in little steps the healing has come.. the wounds have filled in, the scars have smoothed over and a new day is here.

Ironically I just attempted to look at something that has been my last, guilty, self flagellation practice... and I knew there was a time limit on that practice, and just at the very moment it needed to happen, that too, came to an end. It is...

I am free at last.

I called it an exorcism- The ghosts of the past were evicted from my being, my heart, my soul, my memory... One moment I gazed at fireworks exploding in the sky, felt as if my inner being was exploding in unison. There was a beauty, bittersweet and poignant in that moment. I missed my kid who wasn't with me to watch them. I ached for all the losses and pains. I was reminded of that time last year... and the year before... the paths walked, the losses accrued, the strengths gained and the journey- how far I'd come and yet it felt like I was still at square one, all over again.

The memory of a beautiful Saturday morning and afternoon lay behind me....I felt a familiar ache... sharp and dull at the same time. I walked past the throngs. I came to a watering hole. I sat and talked a while. I played a game. I was called out. I saw. I heard. I learned. And then it happened.
Absolution- from the ache... from the pain....

It happened.
Conversation- honest and plain....

It happened.
Healing, laughter, joy, sunshine, sand, sea, surf...

A long walk. A lot of conversation. Laughter- lots of it, like I haven't had in ages. Carefreeness, eyes that see... Honesty...

Me just being me-
Simply, truly me-
And enjoyed for it-

On the drive back home, there was more conversation. Lessons were learned. There was conflict and there was healing. Friendships strengthened- new learning happened...I was many so many ways...

I met my mirror- faced it deep. We talked. We spoke. It smiled to see the growth within. I asked- is this a new me? And I think I heard it say- you're getting there...I felt it- I am getting there.

Days go by- Little bumps and thumps and yet I'm strong and I survive. There is laughter. There is life. There is joy. There is peace. I am back.

I am free at last-
And I feel this one from the heart
And I sang this one from the heart
And I danced this one from the heart

At last!!!!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Rose tinted spectacles-

I looked at the screen for what seemed like an eternity- and yet the writing would not come. Awareness came but the writing would not come. And so I sat content and at peace, with my awareness and my understanding at last.

Rituals are are important. Some sort of ceremony to mark the end of one chapter, otherwise the self rages within, in distress of unfinished business.

We wear rose tinted spectacles- our own customized ones, that we shape and form meticulously. We carefully layer untruths and rationalizations and exceptions that go against our very grain in order to create the perfect image of most anything in life that we choose to indulge in- irrespective of its benefit or lack thereof, for us...

The mind is a very powerful thing and human deception lethal, especially when that deception is directed towards our own selves. We are a cunning species. We have the unique, inherent capability to convince- through wiles, reasoning, selective evidence, and rationalizing; most anyone of anything! The fatal irony is that we fall victim to it ourselves. In my opinion that is the hubris of our times-

The fact that we can fool our own selves so completely that we believe our own lies!
And what a hubris!
It puts all Greek tragedy to shame.
Bring on Oedipus
Bring on Achilles
Bring on even Icarus
None can compare with the hubris of self deception.

An avid scholar of psychology, I have always researched human thinking and reasoning. What compels man to act the way he does. What drives our impulses. What forces are at play within the deep recesses of the intellect that so trap and entwine us into the many mental dilemmas and illnesses that abound since time immemorial?

I am reminded of Albert Bandura's research on Moral disengagement. In order to commit an act of immorality, a moral being must first disengage itself from the trappings of the mind that would prevent it from so doing. The mind must first be convinced, through rationale and reasoning and logic and evidence, why that act is important, valid, necessary- even inevitable.

It is so with me as well.

I am brought face to face today with my own lies told to my own self.

I sat this afternoon and looked through some images that, at first, caused a twinge of pain, a tightening of my chest, a quickening of my pulse... and I left them for a while only to return to them later. I looked again and there was a brief flicker of truth, a feeling of a glimpse of something as if through a deep and thick fog- a rosy fog, self created and nourished, by self deception.

I left the images again and gave myself room to wander in my head while my physical being tended to tasks, daily this and that, work and stuff that are almost second nature to me. But all the while something brewed, something steeped. The feeling lingered and marinated deep in the juices of momentary understanding, reality, truth....

I returned to them just a while back.... And looked close. Really close. I sat and kept very still in my mind. I reached deep into my thoughts and pulled off my rose tinted spectacles and there it was- at last...





Oh how I had deceived! Oh how I had painted over with beautiful rosy and brilliant colors...! How I had coated with warmth and nurtured with my very own blood and peace, sweat and soul- my own nemesis!

How I had created my own misery. How I had watered and tended to the poisonous garden that festered my very being with sadness, yearning, loss, torment...

And how, now.... as I looked on, it came so easy-



But there is no blame to go around. Least of all for myself. No blame whatsoever...

Things must take their course.

Time is the keeper.
Time is the seeker.
Time is the detergent that washes away everything-


No, there is no blame.
There is no shame.
There is nothing to fret about at all.

There is only the knowing that comes with time-

How else would I grow?
How else would I learn?
How else would I know?

The truths withing the lies.
The truths within the truths.
The truths of myself.
The truths of others.

How else would I be human?

If I did not falter?
If I did not fail?
If I did not stumble?

How else would I be human?

If I did not learn?
If I did not recover?
If I did not, in the end, rectify and move on...?

How else would I be human?
How else would I be me?