Friday, November 16, 2012

A place to rest my head-

So I had lunch with Sophie today...
Functioning on 3 hours of sleep (I did the TWILIGHT premiere last night!) , I needed some solace. I needed some room to think and feel my heart... my soul.

I dressed up to do the Twilight premiere too BTW. It was a lot of fun.
I was introduced to the Twilight saga by the love of my life. He loved the books and the movies. He is a romantic sap that way. Me on the other hand- I have claws and I'm prickly... But around him I'm soft. Bug tells me that my voice sounds different when I talk to him. He says the same.

Our story is a lot like the Twilight saga. It is also like the "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind..."
There is this one point in the movie Twilight, where Bella states, "Nobody has ever loved anyone as much as I love you..." and Edward replies, "Well not NOBODY..." implying that he feels the same way about her... I just swooned at that line. I guess I am a silly romantic at heart- but that is how I feel towards my love- and how he states he feels towards me.

A year apart with both of us having stayed in our own individual therapy to work on us separately... we still return to "US"...

And US is a beautiful thing. Until it is not! At which point it is just painful. Excruciating... but no one else seems to have happened for me or for him and we are going on three years now! Not for a lack of trying to move on- on both our parts, mind you. It just does not seem to work with others.

Today while I sat by Sophie-
This song came on...and yes tears came! I had never heard it before. And it fit! I called him the other night after I had vowed never to do that ever again...

I called because my heart and soul were lonely!
Because I needed a place to "rest my head...."
And the only place I have EVER wanted to do that is in the space where his neck and shoulder meet... And I lay my left cheek in the crook of his arm on his right shoulder and nuzzle my nose into his smell... and it is the happiest place to me- in the whole wide world! That little spot...

He texed me the other day and stated that I am the only one he feels he can break in front of. That when emotion happens and he needs a safe place to "rest his head..." I am that place. I had tears when I read that text. And I had tears when I heard this today... And I looked at Sophie and started to text him and send him the song...I was hurting because he is far away from me and we have kept missing each other's calls since last night...and I ache for him...

As I texted he called-
My Eternal Sunshine-

I don't think I can find it...
Better than I had it!
All I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to lay my head

Whenever the end is
Do I think I can see it?
Well, until I get there
I'll go ahead and scream it
Just say it

All I need is
That place to lay my head...

"Say (All I Need)"

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
Your best look
You're praying that you make it

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Better than you had it
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Yeah, better than you had it (Better than you had it)

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Whenever the end is
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it
Just say it

Thursday, November 15, 2012

She sang...

After the tears of release
After the silence
And music
There was just peace
And then she asked
"May I sing for you?"

She sang me her song
And my heart opened wide
My eyes filled with tears
And I sat in the glory
Of this beautiful gift
That she gave to me

She sang for me


He sat before me
And struggled to express
What it was he felt
I could see the emotion
In every fiber of his being
And caught up in the moment
The air tangible with
The electrical
Of this beautiful human
Somehow the magic happened
As it always does
And it hit me
He feels in color!

He spoke in rainbows
And I finally understood
What he tried to communicate

How, I wondered,
Could the world at large have missed
The fact that he feels colors
In his heart...and inside his head
I saw the look of relief on his face
That moment of peace-
At finally having been able to express
What it was he felt...

He feels in color
And I am blessed
To have been witness
To the beautiful kaleidoscope
That before me was spread

Tuesday, November 13, 2012


Hell yeah!
I actually LOVE that about me...


Monday, November 12, 2012

the joy they bring

they sit
they talk
they cry
i listen
they laugh
they share
they smile
i listen
they look my way
with gratitude
and say
thank you
for showing me the way
i smile inside
i say
thank YOU
for sharing you with me
you always knew your way
i merely walked alongside
as you
like me
muddled along
until you got it right
some days
that is all it takes
to walk alongside
who will just stay
close by
and listen
while you muddle along
until you get it right
someone who believes
in you
when you don't
someone who sees you
when you don't
who will not let go
and will be there
and smile
and say welcome
so tell me
about you
and how you are today
they come
they share
i hope they see
what a joy
they truly are
to me


I muddle through this confounded thing called love!
Through the layers of emotions I sift and sort.
Less than 72 hours ago I hit the wall again...
It came to me-
What I felt.
It was not for who I was with...
It was for someone else
It always was that way
With he and I
I made the call
I heard his voice
He held me close
The only one I know
Who would take a bullet to his chest
For me-
Stand between me and harm
Who loves my kid like his own
And will always love me best
And it was like coming
Such complicated things
Such a perplexing web
Such an aching joy
But I do love him
I always have
I always will
And that I guess is that

Thursday, November 1, 2012

When the heart smiles...

When the heart smiles
Sunshine happens
When the heart smiles
Tears of release flow freely
When the heart smiles
Svetlana makes an appearance
When the heart smiles
Gunter shows up!
When the heart smiles
There is laughter everywhere
When the heart smiles
I realize
I am smiling because I...

Svetlana and Gunter

"ze fuuud. it ees goood... but eet ees lacking in zat eastern european juus!
I think I shall call you Gunter or Bjorg"

"Bjork eet ees s a girl's name..."

"GGGG ByorGGGG. But you seem more like a Gunter or perhaps a Goran!"

"I can be a "Goran"

"nonetheless... I shall call you Gunter!"

"Gunter eet ess then..."


Monday, October 29, 2012

True love-

I wonder some days at moments in time...
What mysteries await
That will unfold
Just when the moment is right-

Personal Legend thine own self be true...

Life is a constant struggle between trying to follow your own interests- or as Coelho describes it, one's "personal legend"... and one's "love interests". Often times they are in conflict but they don't have to be...

A true love will never hold you back from pursuing your personal legend. A true love will recognize that to be truly happy one must first be true to themselves. In that state and in that state only does one return to complete unity with one's own self. It is only when we have ourselves that we can share ourselves with another.

Intimacy and love also, are born out of this sharing...

I long for love and intimacy
the real kind...
when they happen
I shall have found 'my true love'

Friday, October 26, 2012

Eid ul Adha... aka Bakr Eid

Dear friends-

I wish you all a very happy eid!
The fortunate among you will be raan recipients.
The less desirable will probably get mixed gosht
Some may even end up with gurday kalajay
But to the ojhri recipients- you seriously fucked up this year didn't you!!!

Better luck next time :)

Love you guys

Tuesday, October 23, 2012



"Love you more..."

Bug and I argue about this one constantly. It's our thing. We bicker about who loves the other more. If this is the extent of our conflict for life, I am content as a mom (pre teen hormones notwithstanding! not to mention "my" pms ones sigh...)

But I digress-

I saw a really cool tattoo yesterday. For those in the know- 2012 is the year I get my tattoo. It is to be a skull. Getting back to point, however, I noticed this really cool tattoo yesterday. Said person told me it stands for love you madly... and it's what his mom signed off with every time.

That made me smile and tear up.

It was too much like bug's and my- love you more-
Or the other often used -love you muchly-
JT Cardwell- my dear old friend and mentor uses- lovedtrulymadlydeeply-
Gandalf used-love your presence- (I miss Gandalf!)
David Llewellyn just uses-love-
Bob Richardson uses- love you-
Manan just says-love-
TC says- still lovin' u-

So many ways to convey the only TRUTH in life!

such a beautiful thing :)

Monday, October 22, 2012

Monday's are for laughing...


Monday and I have had a love/hate relationship through the years...

While it's great to wake up and jump into the week because I love my job! (yay!!) today was a tad interesting. TC called last night and this morning I couldn't remember if I dreamed that or not. Either way it was great to hear the voice of a friend I haven't spoken with since last Christmas! (there were tears involved...)

Later my protein smoothie exploded in my face...which just means Monday will be, shall we say... interesting...(I have strawberry and vanilla flavored hair today!) (It's okay.... It'll just get lost in there with everything else. I should seriously think about going back to dreads) But in the grand scheme of things-Hehehehehe!
I decided that Mondays are for laughing!

So I have a few berries in my hair :) it smells good in my opinion! Sophie won't care- (She btw, is my fountain friend. I'll have to give you all the scoop on her). She's an ice cream place water fountain (see what I just did there...scoop... ice cream....!) okay fine then!

I said Mondays were for laughing! (Hence the jokes). I didn't say the jokes would be very good. Sheesh- tough crowd and what with me being a complete dork and all....

Happy laughter!

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Eternal Sunshine

I have not painted in over a year and  half. It was with a rush of joy that this one hit me out of the ether. I.Q had asked me once what inspired a painting in me. I had responded, "They are already there- the paintings. They already exist. I just find a canvas for them." It was so with this one too. It just came to me yesterday and I LOVE it!

I call it "eternal sunshine".

I did not have all the materials and color that I wanted, but I always finish a painting in one shot. I have to or I lose the emotion. This one is very significant to me. It is a wounded heart. It's my wounded heart. Over time and heartbreaks it has hardened into a lava rock. I don't like all. I am not a hard person. And it wounds me that I have become that way. That the carelessness of people who have scuffed up my heart has changed my essence. It is brought to my attention when people make the observation to me. I break a little on the inside whenever someone points out how hard I appear to be. I stop in my tracks most days when I realize it myself. I dress in combat gear every fucking day! It's as if I am at war. And I have been for close to three years now.

But my determination is stronger than those that seek to break and conquer me. It has been a journey indeed. This year I traveled to the very depths of my own despair and looked it in the eye. I toyed with destruction. Self and external. I pushed that button many times. I tempted fate, challenged the devil himself to mess with me. I was beaten down and got a few good blows in myself. In the process I gauged my own strength. I learned what my limits are and I was taught to respect them. Nature taught me that. I learned the strength of my arms, became familiar with it, harnessed it, made it mine! In the process, however,  so consumed was I by strength that I lost some of my softness.

eternal sunshine is my heart. Wounds turn our hearts dark and black. We harden them against the cruelties of the world. In time the heart hardens to a solid block. Stoic. Solid. Immovable. Invulnerable. But, ironically, breakable still.... Even a hard heart can break. When a hard heart breaks- it shatters! Been there. Done that too. And...., with that. I am tired. I want to feel again. Be soft again. I want strong arms that can still hug soft.

eternal sunshine is about transformation.

A return to self. A coming home. Home that exists within me. eternal sunshine is about that hardened heart melting. While it's still dark it's melting and the life blood starts to pump through it again. The hurts pour out in dark rivulets of anguish. They must... To heal one must face the pain fearlessly. There is fresh tenderness too. New life. New love. New joy. New red blood...mixing with painful dark blood. It is scarred and wounded but there is light all around it. Eternal light. Eternal sunshine. Divine light. And there is a spark of divinity in each of us. My faith is firm and my own divine spark renders me resilient. It is the divine spark inside of me that rends apart the hardness, screaming for life. Fighting for it. And this time around, I am fighting for, fighting with, and not against it! It is a glorious joy- to feel again. To offer love and receive it in return. It is as Michael Naylor said...

"It is my heart cracking open..."
And it is a beautiful feeling
eternal sunshine...

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind-

It's quite remarkable exactly how much of ourselves we can lose when we are in toxic relationships. I say this with quite a bit of emotion. I have been there and done that- bought the T-shirt and even wrote the book! And in the process, for a long while there- I completely lost who and what I am. I lost sight of everything. I did not even know me anymore and what is worse I forgot who I used to be, so the possibility of returning to me became a distant, elusive dream. One that I yearned for with every fiber of my being- but one to which the map was lost.

It does not happen overnight. This loss of self. It is an insidious disease- an eating away of the very cellular structure of one. It occurs in the most subtle of ways. Under the guise of love and caring, the self is snatched up and torn apart by the significant other. It is a torment I would not wish upon my worst enemy. By the time awareness happens, we are but a hollow shell of who we used to be once. The grief at the death of spirit is a silent wail. A sound that remains forever caught in the throat, for how does one weep the loss when there is no body of evidence? Oh but the knowledge is all encompassing- something has died!! And we are keenly aware of this fact.

I recall watching "Eternal Sunshine...". for the first time ever. It captured my heart. The emotions so delicate and so well portrayed that I gasped in understanding. I watched it a second time and a third and many times more. And each time I learned from the movie. I learned about love. I learned about me.

I LONG FOR THAT. That passionate love that you cannot let go. I long for that. The crazy antics, and yet despite it all, the understanding between the two. I long for that. That throbbing, aching pain of LOVE!

I thought I had it. I might have come close a time or two... But I truly have never had that LOVE that will let me be ME! Completely me. Without demanding, manipulating, extracting change. I will give in if that happens. I always do. I will change if I must. I always do. I am foolish that way. I am a fool in love. But I would not be any other way. I love that about me. That I CAN love that hard. That for my beloved, I will do anything. I love that about me. All that remains is finding one that will do the same- for ME.

I do not ask change of people. It would only alter what I fell in love with at the start. I want them to be true only to their self. It is the only way they can remain happy. And the happiness of one's beloved is a sight to behold.

I was at a training recently and I met a man. He had the image from the movie tattooed on his arm. I asked about it and he told me that his wife was a lot like Kate Winslet's character in the movie and that he was like  Jim Carrey's character. It was their favorite movie and reminded them a lot of themselves so on one of their anniversaries they had gotten themselves matching tattoos. My heart cracked just a little bit. I felt a yearning start to grow within me. "I want that", I thought. "And it is real. It does exist! I want that so bad!"

Later that week, as I listened to a friend talk of his heartbreak I mentioned this to him. I told him how much I believed in the existence of crazy, passionate love. And that I would NOT settle for anything less. I would keep looking until I found it. If not I'd rather be alone than lonely with someone.

I am like that girl in the movie too- Crazy, frenzied, scattered...unable to bear the pain of memories. I always try to get rid of tormenting memories and reminders of people. It is just easier to be without them. Life is less burdensome. But one cannot in reality erase...

That is a gift from the heavens. Amnesia just happens one day.

And that is a moment of bliss-
The heavens open up. The song of angels is heard. We breathe a sigh of relief as the heart aches no more for the one that was lost, and thus at last we are freed! It is a beautiful place. A sweet, delectable moment in time. One feels a TON lighter and like a gentle, soft breeze the heart is released.

Free at last to go, to move on, to LOVE again.
It is so with me at last....
It is the moment of the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind-

Friday, October 19, 2012

I fight to find peace-

Fighting teaches us about WHO we are...

I'd heard that but never quite knew what that meant. I discovered that this week. I was in my Muay Thai fight class, being a terror beast as always feeling the blood throbbing in my head, adrenaline pumping through my veins- in my element. I'd do my kicks and knee my partner in the side and then I'd "attempt" to anticipate my partner's move and control the outcome. I kept at it this way until Graeme- my instructor, came up and stated, "Just go with what he does Shahnaz..."

It struck me for the first time ever- that is what I try to do in life! I attempt to control everything. Much as I'd like to believe that I am spontaneous, I attempt to control the outcome of everything. Sure I am spontaneous in my action when it comes to fun, but in most other events I attempt control.

I try to control events when I am afraid and in an unfamiliar situation. It is difficult for me to just go with the flow because.... well, because I might lose- get hurt. And yet all the joy of living is lost when I do that. Because I am not really there, present in the situation any more. I have retracted to a place in my head. It is under those circumstances when my stuck points happen. It is there that I get trapped into patterns. I get trapped because I am simply stuck on repeat, in an endless loop in my own head. A prisoner of my own habit and mind. I retreat to my head because it is familiar. But then truthfully no learning and growth can happen in familiarity. We already know the familiar. It is the new and unknown that teaches us...

I wondered too about Graeme, as I continued to throw punches and kicks. From what I have known of him he is very contained and controlled in his life outside of fighting. On the mats though, he is a sight to behold. He moves like poetry in motion. Like a fluid part of the universe, unfettered he glides across the mats- lightning quick and lethal! I remember the first time I saw him move. It took my breath away. He is one with what he does. 'He LOVES this,' I secretly thought to myself.... 'He moves across the mats like my hands move across the canvas when I paint, or my mind when it conjures up words.' It occurred to me- 'He has no fear on the mats. It is in life that his fear kicks in. That is why in life he is contained and controlled.'

Fear traps us into endless patterns of mistakes and repeats- more of the same moments! To truly learn and change, one must be fearless. One has to be willing to lose it all to gain all. That is when growth happens.

I think back to events in my life. It is when I have gambled everything I had and owned that I have GAINED and GROWN the most.

Kate Matista sat with me as I plotted my big move, ready to give up everything to be with the man I loved. She did not reprimand or try to convince otherwise. She merely sat by and let me do- be me, completely. In that effort of loss was my big gain. I saw truth for what it was... futility. And so I grew and I gained. Acceptance happened and then the tears...

Michael Naylor drew my attention to myself this past weekend when he said,
"Are you so unaware of your own light and how brightly you shine?"
"I shine?" I thought to myself...
I did not know I even had a light.
I took a risk and believed him. I stepped out of my head for a moment and closed my eyes and took in his reflection of me. Scared he might be wrong and even more scared that he might be right...
Then what?
What if he is right.
Sometimes the pain of love, acceptance and happiness is just as great as the pain of hurt and sorrow.
"I want to believe you..." I told him. But it hurts and I am afraid.
"It hurts because your heart is cracking open to receive my love..."
"It feels a lot like my heart breaking." I gasped as my eyes filled with tears...
"It is merely stretching and opening to receive what it deserves. Breathe..."
And I breathed and felt the tears wet my face as something snapped and feeling returned to an icy coldness.

Russ Hudson said to me once- Every moment of your life should feel like stepping off a cliff Shahnaz...
I am reminded also of the moment when I asked him,
"How can a 7 transcend to enlightenment?"
"Embrace your sorrow, Shahnaz."
My eyes had filled with tears then too, because he could see into the depths of my soul and see the hurt that resides within. I have been afraid of my own pain. That is why I have been stuck in endless patterns in life. The minute I became unafraid of my pain I was able to transcend my pattern and get over a toxic love I have been wounded and tormented by. I have been on a journey this year. I begin to see at last that I am "getting somewhere". For a while back there it felt like I was driving in circles...and I was... and each circle took me lower- so low that I went into the very edge of despair... and deeper- so deep that I was terrified I would be swallowed up, lose myself completely and lose my mind... closer- so close to my own self that it appeared that the universe existed in me a part of me closer and closer to  my own essence! Which is merely an extension of universal essence. I am, simply put, a small spark of divinity. As is any other soul- just such a spark. It is in my own essence that my truth is revealed. All I will ever need exists within me. At which point I am freed.

I am free to simply BE...
And then peace happens.

The more present I am in reality, the easier come the tears. Of late my eyes fill often. My daughters face, the beauty of an autumn sky, Sophie's gurgling voice, the sun on my skin, a warm embrace- all fill my heart with an indescribable joy.

I  am grateful to all the teachers that have brought me to this place of knowingness...
Russ, Kate, Michael, Graeme...
I am grateful and eternally blessed for your presence.

Yes I fight.
I fight so that I may find peace...

Friday, August 24, 2012


I spent last night in tears. I cried because I hurt. I hurt because I am in the midst of letting go of a love that has been very precious to me. I loved a man. Completely. Realy and truly LOVED him. He was it for me. And now he is gone.

I cried last night because of my loss and because I am trying to grasp at some semblance of understanding. I cried also because yesterday I had read through some electronic conversations we shared while we were dating. I have deleted most every picture and communication that was accessible to me, because I did not want to see that anymore- it hurt too much. But every now and then I'll stumble upon some residual stuff that I missed. It makes me catch my breath because these communications and photographs paint an idyllic picture of us.

And as a couple, we were... as a family too- with my kid included we were idyllic. That is to say we were that way until we were not.... and there were many of those moments too.

You see, the thing with time is that it erases the memory of the bad and retains only the good. At least the good ones are the only immediately accessible memories. The ego defenses take care of all the rest and are not that easily accessible.

When I read these communications and when I see these pictures... I am wracked by a deep and profound sorrow- for that which could have been and is no more. For that which was so good and went bad but yet there is no understanding of WHY it went bad. There are questions- unanswered questions, so many of them.

I thought I was still in love with him and that is why I cried. This morning I read the messages once more and then deleted them and again there was sorrow.

I talked with a firend and he asked me why- why did we end?

I replied,

"Because he lied..."

"So he gave you a reason to end things..."

And I thought- yes he did.

His response,

"Relationships are built on trust".

And I thought- yes they are, aren't they? You can't be with someone you can't trust...

So I asked him,

"Can you be in love with someone you can't trust?"

He responded,

"I wouldn't call it love. Though we do get obsessed- unanswered questions, curiosities... those are the things that hook us"

And I immediately wondered aloud,

"So what I am mistaking for love is that- obsessions, curiosities, unanswered questions...
 How can I get past this?"

His gentle reply,

"You will.
Realizing that what happened, happened for a reason.
What was, was...
And what will be, will be..."

And I thought- que sera sera...

He continued,

"That there is nothing you could have done differently
To make things better
Or different.
That it was him...
Not you.
That all he had to do was be honest with you...
But he wasn't..."


As it sank in-

And like rain on a parched desert fell his words on my tormented soul.
Such beautiful wisdom, such nurturing kindness.
Such a blessing.

letting go-


Friday, July 6, 2012


through the dregs of fear...
the fear of truths
redemption is gleaned

through the agony of sight
the sight of reality
understanding is found

through the acceptance of...
the acceptance of the unacceptables
peace is restored


the tortures of the soul
the griefs of the heart
the burdens of the body


Cold War Kids - Hang Me Up To Dry

Thursday, July 5, 2012


we wear them all the time
sometimes unaware
emotional buttons
logic buttons
trigger buttons
my favorite one for now
seems to be
the "self destruct" button
i toy with it
play with it
like a time bomb ticking
it will explode one day!
and i with it...

if i am not careful

i WILL self destruct time...


i wonder what that means sometimes

what does it mean to be "careful"
does it mean being aware?
because i am aware...
i just simply do not care
i do not give a fuck
when i self destruct

i know i must change
get a grip
let it go
be present
yada yada yada

i do try
all the while
and for all my trying
some days
it all goes to hell
and then
who gives a fuck?
not i said the dog
not i said the cat
and honey badger certainly don't give a damn...
yes it all goes to hell sometimes
and i with it

i play with it
my "self destruct" button
i am putting it away

i want to care
to give a fuck!
it's ME for pete's sake
not some old lousy schmuck
he should go
FUCK himself!
and i should give a damn
and i am
starting NOW

that self destruct mode can no longer be
a part of my psyche-

fucking buttons!
fucking people!
fucking LIFE!
but it is
so yeah
i'm putting that damn button away


Monday, June 25, 2012


"I want you so bad I'm going back on the things I believe...
There I  just said it- I'm scared you'll forget about me..."

Friday, June 22, 2012


in the haze of
sleep deprivation
and excess
i sat
this feeling of
a lazy dissatisfaction
with everything
the gluttony of my
even as i am aware
the dilemma of type
take a breather
slow down
in self
on thought a while...

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

ocean storms

the self is an ocean

"i feel cut loose...", i stated
"you are cut loose- but you have had to do that" she responded

and in the warmth of love and compassion
of people who are touched by us and whom we touch
who see into our depths and whose depth is revealed to us
like waves overlapping
we find and are found
we cry and are comforted
a family of sorts is formed
a family of choice is created
sadness happens
and joy too
and thus the journey
of life is lived
one step
one day
one breath
at a time

be you

the self is an ocean-
gently rippling
madly breaking

the teaspoon

a while back
and once upon a time
i called on ken
to give me wisdom
he gave me a virtual teaspoon
and told me to dig
i have been digging since
and boy oh boy
how to describe
the highs the lows
the joy and flow
once the dust and grime are sifted through
the essence of self sinks in
and peace returns
until the next layer must be dug through...
digging and sifting
with my teaspoon

your face

i fill my days with activity
i run and go go go
always on the move
it helps me forget you
for a while...
and then
in the wee hours of the night
after i have beaten my body down
and worn my mind out
and eaten a tub of ice cream
and a jar of peanut butter
and as i am brushing my teeth and washing my face and my feet
and john mayer, or snow patrol or OAR or lifehouse croon in my ear
and some of our songs linger on the airwaves
my heart is awakened again
and from the icy depths of the chill i have numbed it into
so that i will not think of you
the warmth of our lost love returns
and with it the longing ache
and i crawl into bed
and turn and rest my head
in the space where your neck and shoulder met
in that empty space beside me
the tears fall
and dampen my sheets and pillow case
as i look at your beautiful face
and caress the screen that holds it
as i kiss you good night
and cry myself
yet again to sleep
and in the morning
i wake up and repeat

Monday, June 4, 2012

wanting and having

"I know what I want..."

some days i am clueless
if i did
then i would
because i know i could
exactly what i want!

the dilemma of
a 7
always wanting
something new
always chasing
new excitement
ever tired
and on the move
all while seeking
gentle solitude
a place to roost
to settle down
and yet petrified
that one would
die out
go up
in a puff of smoke
if one were to stop

gentle heart
tired soul
take a breather
stop a while
smell the roses
the flavor
of life
and worry not
what you might miss

stay instead
closely intent
on being

Monday, May 28, 2012


Almost a year ago
As I sat in that chair
And that kind man
Waved his fingers in front of my face
And visions from my past
Came up again
To haunt
My present state
I saw it clearly
My angry father
My mother
And me...
Tears streamed down my face
And the fingers waved on
And I recalled
I have no voice
I cannot speak
Just how I feel...
I just realized
I end up
Where I do
Over and over
I am seeking
A validation
Someone to hear me
Someone in power
To finally say
I hear
I understand
You are
You exist
You have the right
To speak
To be
It is...

(dear David... I am grateful for the understanding I came about today... It all started with our triad on that one eventful day...)

Monday, May 14, 2012

The beginning of the end...

I knew it had started
As it began
I recognized the scent
Of what once was
No longer strong in it's essense
Momentarily a panic kicked in
Awareness that it was,
The beginning of the end
I sat in the self
Slowly saying my goodbye
I thought I said goodbye to
But no
I was saying goodbye
To the tendrils of
That still are woven
In your fabric
At first I was in panic
But now
I realize
I understand
Keep them.
Those tendrils of me
That are woven
In your fabric.
They were freely given
Because I loved
Keep them
They were my LOVE
For you
Parts that I gave
Because I wanted to
Parts of me I gave
Keep them
My love for you was and is
I meant it when I said
I love you with all my heart...always...
In your own way
You loved me too
But I see that
The wheels of time and life
Are in motion
For it is 
The beginning...
Of the end
I begin to see that your hold on me
Keep them
Those tendrils of me
I no longer
Need them
I have love a plenty
To not be petty...
And steal back
What once I gave
To you...
Keep them
Those tendrils
I'll now say
To those parts of me
I have no desire
To recycle
Used love
I have love a plenty
I gave my love freely
To YOU... my love
You did with it
What you desired
Squandered some
Threw away the rest
Kept some
And tossed aside
All the best
Took it for granted
I forgive it all
I forgive YOU all
I GAVE YOU love...

With all my heart
And for a while
YOU were...
The love of
But I have love a plenty
And there will be love
In my life
New love
Fresh love
Ever growing love...
I have no desire
To recyle
Used love
Keep them
Those tendrils
Of me...
My heart strings
I gave them away
To you
Let them be my parting gift
To you
My love
I love you
With that part of my heart
Keep them
I have love a plenty
I don't need those tendrils back
Those wounds...
Cannot be undone
Rendered asunder
Cannot be filled
With old tendrils
Keep them
I have love a plenty
Love will find its way
Into my heart
Love will find its way
Into old wounds
Someone new
Will give away...
Give me freely
Tendrils of his own
To fill in the parts
That were tattered and torn
By you...

Keep them
My love
Let them be
My parting gift
To you...

I love you
With that part of my heart


Thursday, May 10, 2012

Cut loose

So... amid new beginnings,
I came to a dead halt!
Crashed into the wall
No time to cry out or call
On strength
To brace myself for the fall
The plunge
Into the abyss
Of grief...

I do not want to let you go!

My soulmate
Or so you seem
To me...
My tormentor
My betrayer
Lying bastard
Heart breaker!
My love...

bewafa say bhi pyar hota hai...
yaar kuch bhi ho yaar hota hai...

And I came to the awareness and understanding that try as I might. Do what I will- my heart has a mind all its own and it tricks me, it BETRAYS me! It will NOT LET ME MOVE ON!!! It holds on to YOU- you lying, cheating, fighting, mistreating, screaming bastard- YOU!!!

And now as I try to crawl forward on my hands and knees... I feel sort of "cut loose"... from you, from me. And it is probably because that heart you broke, that heart you took, and tore and bruised and kicked and ripped apart... that heart still is with you. And it would seem- if I am to feel at all- with my heart, it feels through the memory of it did last night and the pain was...

I am exhausted.
I am drained.
I cannot fight.
My love for you...
It just breaks me in two-
And so for the present...
because I feel again
And so
I weep

Silence and frost and numbness take me again....

Monday, April 30, 2012

glass heart

little heart

glass heart

clear heart

dear heart

i hear you at last...

never again shall i give you away in vain


(It's about being in the present moment...that's what surfing is all about- Jack Johnson)

As I watched "Drifter" this weekend and felt the tears stream down my face because my very soul and being screamed for freedom- a freedom from everything, a freedom I cannot describe, a freedom that many other restless souls know and crave everyday of their lives... and it is only when we hear their keening that we feel understood, understanding them...

What is this freedom that my heart yearns for, screams for?

I am alone. I own myself. So what is this craving and yearning?

I think it is a contentment and peace... a silence almost, in my mind. When I allow myself to be completely "present" I am free...

I feel the tears fill my eyes when I first get there, to this my haven- and then slowly I melt into the feeling, accepting, surrendering, breathing... being.

It happens more and more frequently now, if I will only allow myself to overcome the fear and panic that happen just before- the fear and panic borne out of "letting go"... which must happen before I can be free. Most people need to go into ashrams and retreats. I note that I merely need to recede into ME...

It is the most loving embrace I have ever felt- my own! It is the most comforting place I have ever been- home, ever within me.... while I, like a woman possessed, searched all over in vain. It has its shadows and cobwebs, but it is mine. I OWN it. It is me and it is


There I find it all...


Thursday, April 12, 2012


As she talks of her loss and pain, I am reminded of mine. As she described having pulled away out of a fear of loss- I gave her an example... of what I had done and how I miss and grive over Gandalf everyday as the second year since I pulled away is almost at the halfway mark.

Today she asked me if I had read "Tuesday's with Morrie"?
I feel a sharp twinge in my heart and a thud as it drops and the sting of tears in my eyes.
I miss him.
I miss Gandalf.
I miss the man who has been an example of complete acceptance of me...
The only person I have ever known to do that for me.
I feel an ache in my heart and I shed tears over him today...
I miss my wizard
A lot...

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

it's like coming home...

glass heart
held on
walked on
stayed strong
and found it's way home...

what i got
they can't steal it
no they can't even feel it

packed my suitcase
for a place
none of us has been
a place that has to be believed
to be seen
i believed and now i see it

a bird that will only fly for freedom
and at last i found it
i am safe
at last tonight
i walked on

never had  one but i finally found it
home home
that's where my heart is

it aches no more
it breaks no more

all that i fashioned
all that i made
all that i built
all that i break
i left it all
left it all behind
and walked on
and i found my way
feels like
feels like coming home

i want to roost
i want to settle
my mecca
i found you
at last
i found you
ana al haq
alhamdu lillah
 i am home

at last

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

old and new

that ache is an old ache
the longing is for an old loss
i mistake you for it all
i am clearing the cobwebs from my eyes
i am healing me on the inside
what i need
i already have
what i don't
i can give myself
and so
you and me
are no more
misfit from the start
my longing is not you at all
my longing is all me
tum hi to ishq ho-

Monday, March 19, 2012

in the ether

for months now i have fought it
the urge
the desire
to reach out to you
for weeks and a day i have resisted
saying the words
not a day has gone by that i have not felt it
the love
this ache
that will NOT go away
i have laid in bed and i have cried
i have run until my body is defeated
i have screamed until my voice is gone
i have tortured my very essence
my soul...
and yesterday
i said it
i wrote it
and i sent it
it is now on its way
out there
in the ether
and now there is silence
i cried last night
into the silence
as you have so many nights
as i have so many nights
and now i sit
in the ether
in the silence
of the noise
i have just given words to

Thursday, March 15, 2012


people everywhere
tear at me
rip me to shreds
they think they know me
they understand
they feel entitled
like they have a right
to say
how i feel
they know nothing
am i depressed?
am i hurt?
they know nothing...
yet still they act like they do
i laugh out loud
ignorance is common place
well wishers come in many agendas
i see them all
i have none
so i just watch
no wonder i am heartily sick of people...
laugh my life away
people tire me some days

a love that lasts...

dear god
i prayed to you one night
and you gave me what i asked for
i broke and i fell
i cracked and i bled
and you witnessed all
and after all the tears had dried
i prayed to you again
and you gave me what i asked
i laughed
and i cried some more
and you witnessed it all
i sat by an ocean
aching beyond belief
i asked for what i want
you kept him alive
dear god
i prayed then
i prayed again
if it was real
if it will last
let me have it
or remove it from my heart for good
you know...
i am ignorant
i leave it up to you
dear god...

Monday, March 12, 2012


I called him today on my way home
I could hear it in his voice
I asked him what was wrong
He seemed surprised but not quite
That I could tell
I stated
You sound like you have been hurt
You sound like you are in pain
Where are you? he asked
On my way home
Will you make me a cup of tea?
Yes I will. I'll be home in 45 mins.
I drove home, kid in tow...
He was in my driveway when I pulled up
A lost man- in his shiny new car
The unhappy man
In his silver mercedes
My kid ran in to settle in
I went out to meet him
He stepped out and gave me one of those hugs I remembered
We walked in and I asked him
What's wrong
I can't say...
Well then we shall have tea in silence. I am here.
I probed a little and saw too much- so I stopped
It was too immense- his hurt
It was too intense- his pain
So private- his agony
I felt I intruded
Isn't it funny
How well we can read those whom we have once loved?
I listened as he tried to talk around it.
I let him know
I understood.
The magnitude of this ache
And so we sat in silence
This man and I
And I knew he was broken
Broken inside
It ate at him
His loss
Regret he had
Ahhh the loves we lose
And he ached today
For something he never grasped
When he had the chance
And today
It was gone
Change of heart
I felt for this man
And his immense pain
He has lost a love and he mourns that today
He has lost a love and he cannot replace
And he comes now to me
Because I am his friend
He comes now to me because I can understand
My poor dear friend
He breaks today-
So I averted my eyes
If I looked too deep into his
I could see the ache
The break
Of his soul
It was too much to look at
And so I sat with him in silence
And I felt his pain

I hurt you too once... he said to me...
I tried to think back to the pain he had caused me
I tried hard to remember
Funny how it wasn't there-
Such a vague memory
So far gone
All that was left
A wisp, I had to struggle to remember

And all the memories fade
And all the memories fade


And later after I told him goodbye
And my daughter noted to him
That he looked so unhappy
He laughed with me
At her innocence
And then he left
His grief too recent
His heart too torn
To sit still for too long
This poor wandering
Lost soul
May he find peace, somewhere

And so I sit here
Warm at home
Heart all broken
On the mend
Not quite as lost
As the one I faced today
Time heals all
And this I know
It healed me of the one I faced today
A lifetime ago
I could not even remember the ache
I could be compassionate to him
I could actually feel his pain
Feel for him
Care for him in such a loving and neutral way
Yes time heals all wounds
And in time the one I nurse now
Will heal too
Someday I will look back and try hard to recall
The pain I once felt
For my most recent fall
Time heals all

And all the memories fade
And all the memories fade
Send the ghosts on their way
Tell them they've had their day
It's someone else's tomorrow
(Patty Griffin)

Let me...

Let me lie here tonight
Beneath the still and silent moon
Let the world slip out of sight
I shall be gone again so soon

Let the moments pass me by
I am so tired- let me pray
Darling this is my last goodbye
Don't want to ever come by this way

Walk on down the other side
But for tonight let me lie here
So soon it will be goodnight-

Thursday, March 8, 2012

old and new

it has been a day indeed!
after a grueling nonstop nine hour grind i collapsed into the gym.
after a 2.5 hour workout i collapse into dinner
after my shower and my gajar ka halva
i seem to be getting me back

i am tired tonight
i am also lonely
not for company
not for people
not for anyone or anything really
i just feel lonely
on the inside
i feel empty today
like i need a refill
i need a hug
and when a friend sent me a virtual hug
i just burst into tears
he is a friend who understands
he lifts me up
he fills me up
i think that is what i really need
agenda free understanding
someone understanding and accepting me
no agenda
just acceptance and understanding
i feel lonely for acceptance and understanding
i don't even know why this post is called old and new
i suppose because the desire is old but the awareness new
or because i feel old but in fact i am new
new in self understanding
but if i have self understanding why am i lonely?
maybe i just need the hug
or a silent witness
to my tiredness and an acceptance of my tiredness
i am so tired today

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

strangely grown up

it hits me with it's subtlety
this new found growth
i am, i find...quite improved with time
my energy soars
my being is grown
not just me
my whole being
is grown
my body
my soul
my spirit
my heart
my mind
they have expanded
they are
i am quite elated
i am much satisfied
i am stronger than i have ever been
safer than i have ever been
happier than i have ever been
it is quite a moment indeed
when i realize this
i am amazingly
grown up

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Mehboob meray

Jab yaad teri
Char jaye


Teray wujood
Kay muntazir
Rahay hain hum

Aye bay wafa
Ahl e wafa ki lazat
Tu kiya samjhay

Main kundan hun
Mujhay khaq ki tarha
Luta diyay

Aye bay qadray
Main ISHQ hun
Rusway kar chalay

Kisi veeranay may
Gar aqal agayee
Talab karo gay meri

Mehboob meray
Tujh say muhabbat nahi
ISHQ kiyay thay hum


It took a trip down memory lane
It took remembering old pain
It took some photographs
Evidence of deceit
It took that
And self preservation
Kicked in...
Those are the reasons
I left
And yes
It hurts
It hurts a lot
It hurts like hell some days
The agony is unbearable
Or so it seems
But I do bear it
And I am bearing it
But I deserve to be treated
So much better
Than anything you ever gave me
I almost faltered...
But I will not
Go back
To that

Monday, March 5, 2012


kabza e dil jo hua
teri bandish main hain kya karain
har nata tor diya
par dil ki dor kaisay juda karain hum...?

thutkar diya tujhay sanam
laikin is bay basi ka kya haal karain
bujha diya chirag e muhabbat
par aatish e ishq kaisay khaq karain hum...?

nikal diya seenay say dil
dharkan ko kaisay khamosh karain
zaban ko to kat diya talwaar say
ruh say tera naam kaisay juda karain hum...?


kaisi ajab si azmaish hai
wujood e kashish 
tujhay pukaarnay ki chahat bhi hai
aur pukaarnay say parhaiz bhi hai
gar kar diyay bad parhezi
to khud pay bohat ziyati hai
jo na kiye bad parhezi
tab bhi khud pay ziyati hai
kaisi ajab si yeh azmaish hai


What do I do for a living?
I deal in the business of feelings...
And I see life unfold.

I heard it said- you can only take a client as far as you have been and no further.
I begin to see that.
The more I am aware of me, the better I am at what I do.

I help them get unstuck. I help them be who they are and be okay with it. I help them love and forgive and it all happens best when I have done it too...

Sunday, March 4, 2012

let it burn-

i crossed my hands
over my breast
where my heart once lived
and i said your name
i hope you heard it...

i smiled when i shut my eyes
because i saw your face
my tears fell
and i kissed your lips
i hope you felt it...

i ache for you everyday
but i won't reach out
to get you back
this time...
i let you go
i walked away...

what is love...

the sound of your voice
the blue of your eyes
the brown of mine...
the warmth of our embrace

what is need
your look
my unspoken words
the understanding that was and wasn't

what is loss
watching it slip away
the love that loved me
the love of my life

what is ache
the agony
the ecstasy of love
and watching it slip away

Saturday, March 3, 2012

the day my heart stopped

and the world keeps turning
sun shines
rain pours
day in
and day out
and life
keeps moving
and yet my heart
is frozen in time
i think it stopped the day
we ended
it always was that way

laughter happens
and healing too
and yet my heart
is frozen still
i think it stopped the day
we ended
anger comes and anger goes
understanding too
this way knows
meaning making
happens too
and yet my heart
is frozen still
i think it stopped the day
we ended

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Clue and masti

ask and you shall receive...

i asked for a clue
and i got one!
uncanny how the universe and the malik of it always gives me exactly what i ask for-
i cannot complain.

so here it is
my "clue"
when it's real...
it does not just fade and go away
for me it was real
very very real
my love
it was real
i loved heart and soul
mind and body
the last thing i ever communicated to him was
"i love you with all my heart...always..."
and that is my clue
i still do
as always
with all my heart i still love him
it does not  fade
it does not go away
and that is the clue
and it does not have to
that is the masti
ashiq ka sukun hai junoon
and so it is for me
to love him i need absolutely nothing
and so i am at last free to love
with all my heart
my love is mine
to feel with all my heart
all the time

Un Stuck me now

Loosen me
Shake me up
So that I am
Stuck no more...
Un love and
Un adore me
So that I am
Yours no more...
Give me clue
Instead of hope
So that I am
Fool no more...


Hold me
And tender...
My face
And stroke
My skin smooth...
Upon me
Your smell
Let me feel
Warm and safe
In your neck...
Let the rain
Pitter patter
As I lay here
At my good fortune...
Let the mellow
As my thoughts wander...
Take me away
To a plane higher
Ethereal sublime...
Leave my body now
And soar
And in time
Washed clean
And healed...
So I may emerge
From my coccoon
And spread
My newfound wings
Stretch them wide
Take flight
And soar
Far and wide
The way it was meant to be
For a free spirit
Like me
Dear fate
Dear dear life
Inch by inch
Step by step
Bring me closer now
To my birthright
I am patient
I await
My time


and yet
it is
like a maiden
and coquettish
hither now
thither later
feather light
and lead heavy
pudding soft
and bittersweet
like bold tea
and cool
like a spring breeze
gentle like a
soft hug
passinate like a lovers kiss
innocent like an infant's coo
knowing like a mother's heart
my desire
my search
my destination
but my right?
it is a privilege
a gift
a treasure
dear friend
it has been so long
i welcome you

dastaan e jindagi

yeh raah to wohi hai
jis pay kadam kabhi larkhara gayay
yeh raasta to wohi hai
jis pay ansoo beh gayay
yeh gali
yeh sadak
yeh taweel maidan e safar
jis pay khoon o paseena mera
rang charha gaya
yeh raah to wohi hai
laikan kya baat hai aaj main
keh dil pur sukoon hai
kya jadoo hai iss subh ka
kay aankhen hans rahi hain meri
kya ajab sa sama hai
kay aasman khush hai
zameen khush hai
aur sab se barh kar
mera wujood khush hai
meray aka...
kis mun say kahun main
kis awaz say pukarun tujhay
kya naam hai tera
bata aaj mujhay
kay main sab say unchin chitaan pay khari
chila chila kar kahun
tu hai
tu hai
tu hai
teray siwa
kuch bhi nahin
tu hai
tu hai
yeh kaisa sama hai
yeh kaisa safar hai
yeh dastaan e zindagi
kabhi khushi
kabhi gham
kabhi uunch
kabhi neech
kabhi haar
kabhi jeet
teri talaash hi to hai
dastaan e jindagi
zikr hi to hai
dastaan e zindagi
ishq hi to hai

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Leap year!

It is a leap year-
Comes by once every four years...
It feels, to me, like getting an extra day in life-
A day filled with possibilities.
A freebie!

I believe in magic.
All kinds of magic- faeries and goblins and trolls and all...
But mostly I believe in everyday magic.
The kind that most people miss to see, but it gives me tingles and giggles all over.
I feel effervescent.
Like a fizzy tablet- explosive and sparkly like a firecracker.
Yes, that is the feeling I get when everyday magic happens.
That is how I know- I am in the presence of magic!

Today is a magical day-
I can feel it in my bones. I am effervescent and the air around me crackles, I can feel it on my skin.
The aura of the atmosphere is pungent with the smell of magic.
Everyday magic...
Now all that matters is to sit back in awe and amazement and go with the flow of it
Find your state of flow today.
Life is in upswing.
Take a deep breath.
And then hold on tight for the ride...
Be unafraid.
And most of all
Dare to dream
And be unafraid to be

Carpe Diem!!!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012


i breathed
i cried
i arrived
at strength
and courage

it is a new day
it is a new time
it is the end
it is a beginning

brand new life

aaj kal kuch aisa sama hai

toofan ka mausam hai
saakit na baith
tujhay kasam hai
aaj barrasta aasman hai
saakit na baith
tujhay kasam hai

parda hai yeh ankhon pay
teri palkhon ka
ya lehrain bichi hui hain
saagar kay seenay main
kay ansoo aaj beh gaye
beetay ghammon kay

faulad ka dil hai
ruh hai malang
azad parinda hai
uraan teri bunyaad

aaj kal
kuch aisa sama hai
aaj kal kuch aisa sama hai...

Monday, February 27, 2012

back to the start...

I guess I never realized that when I learned the world was round... it also meant that I'd be going in circles my whole life...

Don't get me wrong. I still make progress. I still learn and grow-
But every now and then, I stumble back to a place I have been before... only this time, I know so  much more and understand so much better and I think- If only I knew then what I know now, life would be so different.

It's as if I understand deeper the same situation and this time around I see it in sharper focus. It is bitter sweet because the moment has passed... and I revisit and see the full picture and this time understanding is mine, forgiveness too... and letting go happens and all that remains now is a memory- a little tart, a little sting, a deep breath and then I must let go and move on. If I do not let go I will get stuck. But the letting go- that is the hardest part.

The heart has a desire to fix, to regain, to "do over" and hope for a different outcome. Sadly that is just not possible. The moment has changed, the self has changed, life has changed... And although we find ourselves back at that point-
it is a different time,
it is a different depth,
it is a different dimension,
it is a different self...
and thus-
one must
let go
bittersweet awareness
and smile
and keep walking
knowing that there will be another return
to this same spot
at another point in time
and if it is meant to be
it will be
and if not
it will not
but yes we will find ourselves back at the start
and this time we will see and know and understand

jab tak mainay samjha, jeewan kya hai...jewan beet gaya...

and such is this thing called life
life-a-la shahnaz...
zindagi teri talaash main
jeewan beet gaya-

Wednesday, February 22, 2012


I started this year with chocolate and music, dancing and friends...
I shed some tears on new years eve and decided I was done with old pain.
I vowed to leave it all behind, bitterness, pain, sorrow and loss.

And so it has been-
It is always darkest before the dawn...
I await for break of day
I am not unhappy... I am merely sad
I am not broken, I am merely scuffed
I am not alone, just unattached...
And soon I know it will all come to pass

What is mine will come my way
Fame/fortune/love and adventure
I am learning patience-
Who would have ever thought it possible...

I am a more refined
A more self defined me.
I understand...for once in my life
I understand-

I am letting go of everything
Nothing is worth holding on to
I am floating along
Such, I have learned is life

You cannot expect anything in life
You must not hold on too tight
You must believe
You must not try
To control anything...
You cannot
So let go
Let it all go...
And then when you have lost it all
you realize what you have gained is you

At 34
I have nothing
Absolutely nothing at all
And yet I have it all
Because I have me
And that is all I'll ever need
All the rest are wants...
And I kow how to find what I want
I can meet my own needs
And so finally
I am free
Yes 34-
It is the year of freedom!

..let freedom ring...

Saturday, February 18, 2012

the tears that just won't fall

i sat last night and talked of you
with another man
we talked of love and passion
and all the while
i thought of you
i miss you
every moment
i miss you

he talked of his love
and i of mine
we were on a date he and i

i told him of love as i know it
he told me of love as he knew it
we sat and we talked
he and i

he asked me
what i was looking for
i thought for a while
i wanted to say trust
i wanted to say truth
i wanted to say love... but the thing is
none of them are possible
this i have learned

people have to do right
by themselves first
i cannot expect trust
i cannot expect truth
i cannot expect love
if the other cannot give it

they have to want to give
all of the above

so i just said
i want to be...
allowed to be me
all of me
all of the time
that is all i want
and i want passion...

have you had love
and passion?
he asked me
yes i have
i stated softly

but i just never was allowed to be me
me- fully and completely

and then he asked me
of my love
if i still loved him
and i said yes

and then he said
why don't you call him

and that's when it happened
that's when i said
i just don't want to...
and it was a revelation
even for me
and it breaks my heart
because i miss him everyday
i hope to see him 
every day
i wish i would...
i wish he'd write or come
or even call
but i changed my number
blocked his email
said goodbye
turned him down
i did it all...
and i love him
and i miss him
but i will not fall again
i just don't want to...
and then the tears 
that just won't fall
start to fall
because i realized
i just don't want to...
and that is all

Monday, February 6, 2012

"you thoo picky! you thoo picky with your nails!!"

"You thoo picky! You thoo picky with your nails!!"

The above uttered to me by the lady that (used to)(alas to the past tense!) do my nails, sometime early last year. The words were stated right before she fired me! Yup folks! I was fired by the woman in my employ as my manicurist. Unheard of isn't it? I thought so too...
Only in Lifa a la Shahnaz is such a feat possible- that a paying customer will get fired by the place of business. (Doesn't that work the other way around? I fire her because she does not do a good job?? But she did an amazing job! Too amazing in fact that she decided she just could not do it any more... And I never complained! Not once about how she did the job! She just up and fired me! Because I was "thoo picky!) Sniff...

She also stated-

"I can't do your nails no more. Take too long! You thoo picky. You so picky with your nails! You even more picky with your men! "

Yup yup- I got TOLD!

See folks, I like a slightly pointy oval shape nail. Not the regular square- YUCK!- nail. Also the shape has to match the corresponding finger on the other hand and have to be well shaped on each hand. I like two coats of a color that I custom blend- at present it is a deep purple black- I have natural long nails... (I gave up rock climbing for these nails! I did try the rock wall the other day and climbed several times-harness on, and did great. The trick is to reach for the bigger hand holds that I can grab even with my nails. Trouble happened when I tried to go around unharnessed. They recommend you stay under the yellow line if doing that. In my quest for the bigger hand holds, I didn't realized how high I got- 9 ft to be exact- sans harness... and then I missed a handhold- yup because of the nails... and fell- THUD! My first words on landing,

"Damnit!! I think I scuffed my bloody nail!"

My friends' responses-

"Oh My God! Are you okay?"
"Is she okay?"
"Did she just say she scuffed her nails?"
"Forget the nails! Are you hurt?"
"That a long way down"
"You were close to 9 ft up!"
"Can you stand?"
"Did she say she scuffed her nail???"

I was fine. I lived. I just put on a new coat of clear polish but I digress from my original tale about my nails-)
I am "thoo picky" with them. You "thee" pardon me, I mean,  see... (lol that lisp is catchey and kitschy!) (I digress... again...) you see, I AM thoo picky!
I begin to realize that- but what is a woman to do?
Just settle?

My new nail lady at a new nail salon- who I treat like royalty, lest she fires me too, asked me why I got divorced. I told her,

"I did not love him."
"What he do- your ex husband?"
"He is a cardiologist."
"He a DOCTOR!!?? You leave him? Divorce a doctor?"

And she started off in Vietnamese...and the rest of the nail techs responded in the same and then she asks,

"But why?? He have money!"And I replied

"Yes... lots of money."
"They why you leave him?"
"I did not love him."
"Your boyfriend now you love him?
"What he do?
"Nothing. He's in school."

"So you love him now. He no doctor?"
"No. He's not a doctor..."

And she started off in Vietnamese and I bet the whole bloody nail salon knew my love life at that point. I recalled being "thoo picky with my nails and even more picky with my men!" I shuddered to think what would happen if my old nail woman and new nail woman ever got together for coffee or something... I slowly counted to ten. She looked really close at me and she laughed and went on about my nails.

And about a year later when I broke up with said boyfriend!

"You no with your boyfriend no more?"
'Why, you no love him no more?"
"I love him."
"Why you break up?"
"He lies to me."
"But you no love him?"
"I love him..."
"Why you break up?"
"He lies."

"Why you not forgive him...?"
"I do forgive him."
"Why you no with him? It makes you sad?"

"Why you not get back?"
"I did. He keeps lying to me."
"You no love him?"

"I love him."
"But you not get back with him."
"Because he lies...?"

And she starts of in her Vietnamese....and the rest of the salon staff responds-

Friday, February 3, 2012


You can't lose what you never had,
You can't keep what's not yours
And you definitely can't hold on to what does not want to stay...

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Some days...

And some days its hurts like hell
And some days I feel my skin burn
Simply because it craves your touch
And my heart aches and breaks
And the tears just well up in my eyes
And I look to the door
Hoping that you'd walk through it
And yes I lay awake at night
And whisper your name
As my tears fall into my pillow
It broke
What we had
(Or so I thought...)
(...that we had...)
It shattered to pieces
And I come to grips with that truth
It was not real
What we had
All the words that you spoke
They were never true
And still
Some days
My world just seems to spin
As my heart aches
Over you-
Some days

Monday, January 16, 2012

In love there are no rules...

"When you enter love with an indifference towards feeling are a fool in love"

I have a heart and I don't intend to keep it locked up in a vault for safekeeping. If you do- Adieu...

But if you have a heart that is organic and not frozen, likes to beat and not be stagnant, if you can love and be loved back, and if you have a pair of balls (that is bigger than mine)and are able to acknowledge your insecurities and take ownership of them, instead of projecting them on me- lets talk...
Let's have a conversation that is you and me-

I don't like to play games
I don't play hot and cold
If you're hot you're hot
If not bugger off! (I am honest- to a fault)
And yes it is a lot to take-

but darling... in love... there are no rules...
and to play you have to be a fool... a fool in love...
but while at it don't for a moment think that i suffer just any fools
because there are fools-
and then there are fools in love!

In love there are no rules... just fools... fools in love!
And yes love is cruel...

U2-So Cruel

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Walk on-

Moving on...

And love is not the easy thing...the only baggage you can bring is all that you can't leave behind...

A brief moment of pause
A feeling that my heart just stopped
A memory so infused with ache and pain and rage and desire and confusion
A moment of breathing
A run down the hall to Debbie to process- her recommendation
A call for help and support from friends
Many, many texts and words of support that flooded in... in less than a minute
A decision made
The breach secured

Kate's words of wisdom remembered and recited out loud-
Never allow intimate access to someone who hurts you...

Sanity and safety restored

Yes I am- WALKING!
Leave it behind-

You've got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break

All that you measure
All that you steal
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress up
All that you scheme...

All this you can- leave behind...

I Choose- live by choice and not by chance,
to make changes- not excuses!
to be motivated, not manipulated
to be useful- not used.
to excel, not compete

i choose self esteem, not self pity
i choose to listen to my inner voice- not the random opinion of others

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Campfires and firecrackers

I googled campfires after my conversation last night. A conversation I really enjoyed. After the dead weight that I have been dragging around for these past few painful months, the relief was welcome and comforting- blissful even...

This morning, again, I woke up with a smile on my face. Life has a new pulse and a new energy to it and for that I am so very grateful. I did not sleep well last night... I was too excited and giddy I guess. So after some warm milk the thinking kicked in and did the thoughts just pour in. But that is a different post-

This post is about campfires-

This is what Wikipedia had to say and for once I liked what Wikipedia had to say

A campfire is a fire lit at a campsite, to serve the following functions: light, warmth, a beacon, a bug and/or apex predator deterrent, to cook, and for a psychological sense of security. In established campgrounds they are usually in a fire ring for safety.

Functions- Light, warmth, a beacon (for the lost or those seeking), bug deterrent, apex predator deterrent, to cook (hence sustenance), and for a psychological sense of security...
I read the description again and that home seeking, soul seeking part of me, yearning part of me, breathed deep. I thought to myself- it is uncanny how my soul will use a metaphor to describe another human, in a way that reflects my needs.

I wonder out loud- was it my need I projected, or the traits of the person I attributed that metaphor to? I don't know. It was a descriptor that came naturally to mind and I voiced it.

And then there is the firecracker-

Loud, energetic, sparkly, colorful, full of sparks and spurts, explosive and eventually wears out after all the fuss and goes out...

I thought and even stated some of it-

After it's all done sparkling around, the firecracker me longs to go and curl up beside the warmth and steady comfort of a campfire. A firecracker- a sparkler has an intense burst of fire. Explosive. Eye catching. Enchanting. And then it wears out, it tires...and goes out. It is cold and dark, and yet there is still a longing for warmth, fire and flame... not the explosive kind. The gentle and warm kind, that will smolder beautifully, at a steady pace all through the long, cold, dark night...keeping watch, keeping safe, keeping warm, sustaining, protecting, shining a light with which to see with clarity...and come dawn it can awake and sparkle again after being nourished through the night.

Built in a fire ring- for safety...

The definition of insanity- doing the same thing and expecting different results.

But alas- what is the safety ring?
How does one determine?
How to delineate those safe parameters...
Now those are thoughts indeed-

So it was- my thought pattern with campfires and firecrackers...

Monday, January 9, 2012



It has been a rock-an'- rollin' time of double innuendos that I have spouted all over the place lately-
Here goes-

So I had this posted on my fb and I had referenced a friend of mine in a comment. The comment was,

"Moussa, maybe you could serve them their nuts on a silver platter with this!"

Upon taking a second look I blanched! lol... In my defence- Moussa is a flight attendant and was grumbling about being treated like a slave by his customers in first class... wanting their warm nuts on a silver platter... Context people, context!

And then there was my conversation about getting my concealed firearms permit and my fascination with guns! Here is how that one went

"What I really want to shoot is a sniper rifle with a supertelescopic lens, you know, an assasin's rifle. That would be such an awesome profession btw! "

And yup! This is where I realized my flub...

"Except for the killing part. Awesome because of the shooting part, NOT the killing part...!

And then came the Jason Bourne-

Him-"I have been told I could pull that off because I look like him..."
Me-"Oh you could absolutely pull that off- But I refuse to be the helpless chick. I want my own damn gun and I shoot alongside you!
Him- "Hell yeah!"
Me- "Word Up!"

All was good and dandy until this point...

Me-"That is the extent of my gangsta vocabulary... but seriously what does 'word up' mean? Pathetic! I sound like a city gal trying so hard to be a hood thug"
Him- "I have no idea but that's funny that you tried..."

Well folks here goes- Word Up- The song that revolutionized the term- (yes I googled it!)( I know I am a geek!)
Originally written by Cameo in 1986-  I like the version by Gun better- I think it was the image that caught my

And then there was this conversation-

My side- "If you are still in bed I am so jealous!"
Their side- "Aren't you?"
My side- "I am at work earning an honest living in the hood like a minion"
Their side-"Honest in the hood eh?"
My side-Hunh? (reads over conversation)
My side-"Bloody autocorrect and long nails! Earning an honest living like a GOOD little minion"
Their side- "Easy now don't want to break a nail!
My side- "grrrrrrrrrrrrrr! lol that's hrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"



So I'm waiting.... tick tock tick tock-
And debating- shall I or shall I not wear the leather to the show? lol...
I intend to go as Selene. I think I'll even take a werewolf in tow. Currently accepting werewolf applications...


Sunday, January 8, 2012

O M G!!

All smiles...
I'm smiling and I'm not telling why...
Not yet at least


Friday, January 6, 2012

Sorry I kissed you in New York City!


Damn stupid autocorrect-
That was the glorious gist of the msg I sent a gal pal via mobile the other day!
The intended communication-

Sorry I MISSED you in the city.

Well I am reminded of my biggest flub of this past summer at the beach. I was gone on vacation and my landscaper had texted me twice asking about his payment check. I texted him back (long nails and all...) and this is what he received-

I am kinky suzy all week. I'll be back on Sunday and you can have it then. 

I was horrified when I saw what had been sent out.
The intended msg-

I am at the beach all week. I'll be back on Sunday and you can have it then.

A friend floated this out of fb yesterday and it had me in fits of laughter...

Happy laughing!


It gets better and better-
So after a year's hiatus I emailed Gandalf today!

See I am a reckless and impulsive creature, especially when it comes to loss. Actually when it comes to loss I am a fearful creature. I run away from loss, thinking that will somehow make me avoid the loss (yeah that works!)

Anyhoo- So after Gandalf's early retirement- I was so devastated at the impending loss that I completely removed myelf from the picture...(spell L-O-S-S)(I never said there was any sense in my actions!) And I stayed away (sigh...) and have not been in touch since. (!!!) (Gulp!!!)(more sighs....)

But this morning, on my drive to work- I missed him. No- I MISSED HIM!!! Yeah that's better. I really miss my Wednesdays with Gandalf- So I decided, pish posh and all that. I'm stopping this silly, pointless, nonsense this instant! (Damn right!) I came in and that was my first order of business-

I emailed John-
I confessed my silliness (he knows me... and knows me all too well)
I confessed my desire to want him back in my life.


This years keeps getting better and better.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Holy Shit!


Taoism: Shit happens.

Confucianism: Confucius says, "Shit happens."

Buddhism: If shit happens, it is not really shit.

Zen-Buddhism: What is the sound of shit happening?

Hinduism: This shit happened before

Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.

Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.

Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?

Atheism: Shit never happens.

Agnosticism: Shit?

~ Anonymous


Casey's text to me-
"I can't stop smiling! I'm so happy..."

I felt his joy.
I felt the same way.

Every day this year-
Pure sweet joy and happiness-

I guess that is what happens when you ring in the new year dancing and start it with chocolate!

To happiness this year-

old post never published...

"...some lessons can't be learned- they have to be LIVED! when you came here you were full of anger, and that had made you lose your human decency..." 
(sensei to electra)

"...when God wants to destroy someone he turns them to anger..."
" you are going to give him exactly what he asked for even though it isn't what he does not end shahnaz, in time we learn to put it somewhere deep inside us, but it is always there- he is struggling with the same feelings..."
(Barry Williams- to me)

Anger blinds us.
Anger binds us.
Anger makes us deaf.
Anger renders our speech poisonous.
Anger is an insidious killer- first it poisons everything outside us then it poisons us.
Nothing remains in the wake of anger-

The gifts of the universe are subtle.
Love. Acceptance. Peace. Understanding.
You are a lucky soul if you have found a place where these exist.
You are a lucky soul if you have found a person you can feel these with.
The LOUDNESS of anger obscures these gifts...
Anger blinds.
Anger binds.
Anger makes us deaf...
Yes- it is an insidious, thieving scavenger

We go before our God and we pay our dues...
Confess our guilts
Suffer our shame
Grieve our loss
Know the pain
Of hoped for absolution