Saturday, May 31, 2008

The quintessential female conversation...

Update on a chat with Fauzia

In addition to saying one thing and meaning the total opposite, females also obsess incessantly about everything.... It isn't enough that we have spoken... we then dissect what we speak.

Observe:

Fauzia: hmmm
you actually used my name
but it's a good post
me: oh was i not supposed to
Fauzia: are we actually waiting for "the one"?
no, no, it's fine
me: i can edit it out if you like
Fauzia: no, it's no problem
it's not a bad post
me: well we hope for him right?
Fauzia: i think everyone gets that we are joking
i suppose
me: that's the whole point
we joke while we secretly wish the opposite
the quintessential female conversation
lol



Now having analyzed what we have done, and how it shall be perceived- a joke or not?... and whether it was a good post or not and whether it was okay to use the name or not.... sigh (i know... women! we are completely complex but oh so fabulous!)the conversation continues....


me: i am getting this wicked idea
ask me what it is....
Fauzia: of course!
me: but darling you must ask first
the words have to be typed
Fauzia: i must ask first?
what must i ask?
me: but of course
you must ask what is this idea shahnaz?
lol
Fauzia: haha
i think we both get the idea
me: lol
Fauzia: but fantasy and reality are worlds apart
aren't they?
me: hmmm ....
not so much
Fauzia: really?
me: i think so
Fauzia: i believe in "the one"
me: i do too
Fauzia: i think he is out there somewhere
me: wholeheartedly
Fauzia: isn't that the point
me: it is...
Fauzia: that god has created someone for everyone...
me: but the fact that we haven't yet found him...
Fauzia: but i don't intend to sit here waiting for him
me: lol we think alike darling
Fauzia: and i'm convinced he's not looking hard enough!!
me: he a guy woman
Fauzia: that he is indeed
lazy bastard!
i'm going to tell him that when i meet him too
me: LMAO



And then comes the crux! The nightmare of desi life.... yes it is the "cannot be avoided" rishta hell!!! We all deal with it...

Fauzia: because while he's been strolling along, i have to go through desi rishtaa hell!!
me: ahahaha
aaaaaaaaahhhhh
i hear ya


My cup runneth over...(The art of my expression series #2)


(watercolor pencils on paper... 9" x 12")

And I quote
"the future is a big shiny cup of hazelnut praline chocolate..." (moz)

I did this shoddy piece to celebrate my birthday. It is my cup of life that overflowed on that eventful day that I turned 30, because I had so much love in my life. I did not have all that I wanted but I did want all that I had... and for that moment, it was more than enough!

I did it over breakfast the morning after my B-Day, with my cup of tea, while browsing over the computer and watching my darling, sweet child draw her masterpiece and enjoying the "on speaker phone" chat with my mom and my daughter. The two most important females in my life, a box of pencils, some earl grey, and blogging... what more could a girl ask for on the morning after a great birthday!

The day of my birthday I returned from presenting at a conference to a house full of presents, flowers, chocolate, cake, cards, e mails, phone calls and love from many venues...

On detour from the conference, I had stopped to slay a dragon (that piece shall follow shortly) and been deeply wounded in the process. The smart of that defeat was soon made non existent in the effulgence of the love that awaited at home... and that, dear people, is why my cup runneth over... For each loss that I had that day, there was a substitute reward. I did not get what I "wanted", but "I wanted" all that I got and it changed my thinking....

"I don't have diddly squat...
It's not having what you want
It's wanting what you've got!"
(Sheryl Crow...)

So I decided that "I'm gonna soak up the sun" and let my "big shiny cup" of life run over with "hazelnut praline chocolate..." !!!

:)
HUGS and Au Revoir...

Dim sum and variety....

Girlie chit chat is quite a cryptic and entertaining phenomenon. For those of you out there with social voyeuristic tendencies here is a glimpse into small talk with a dear friend of mine. While idle chatter commenced we hit upon the basic question of monogamy. The idea of novelty and newness is so enticing... A settling with more of the same seems too bland... And yet even those who dis the monogamous principles secretly long for the never ending quality of the "one"! What a convoluted mess... But to get back to the point, here is the conversation- between two girlfriends who secretly hope for a "one" even while coquettishly lobbying for anything but...



me: whatcha doing lady
Fauzia: eh, a little bit of this, a little bit of that
me: hmmm always a good thing to do
Fauzia: talking to my secret lover, you know, the usual
me: hehehe
i know
the one who precipitated the overnight trip to DC
lol
Fauzia: yes, of course, that very one!
me: ahahaha
Fauzia: but you see, i like to keep my options open...so he is not alone!
me: absolutely!
Fauzia: haha
me: that is the way it should be
Fauzia: of course!
me: you kook...
Fauzia: settling for one is totally overrated
me: i agree
Fauzia: where's the variety and excitement in that?
me: life is all about sampling...
dim sum my dear woman dim sum
Fauzia: what's the saying...variety is the spice of life?
hahah
me: dim sum is the sum of life
Fauzia: :)
me: lol

A video response to "Obsession"

My darling friend Moz just sent me this link. It is a video response to my post Obsession...

I for one love it!

Thanks Mo...

"The art of my expression" series...

Dear readers,

I have decided to start a series dedicated to my artistic endeavors. I draw/sketch/paint from emotion. I have, after much consideration, decided to blatantly self disclose on this site. I shall be posting my pieces on this site followed by a description of how they came to be created. It shall be deeply personal and often times "heavy" stuff. At times it will be simply peaceful... The reading of it may make some of you feel uncomfortable- I don't know.
But here goes...

Dejection (The art of my expression series # 1)


(Oil on canvas board... 11"x 14")

de·jec·tion (dĭ-jěk'shən)

-depression or lowness of spirits
-The act of humbling or abasing one's self
-Lowness of spirits occasioned by grief or misfortune; mental depression; melancholy.


"What besides, Of sorrow, and dejection, and despair, Our frailty can sustain, thy tidings bring. --Milton"

I painted this one in July 2007.... It was another one of those "paint my feelings" moments. When I painted it I did not feel this way... no.... rather I painted this one from a memory of that feeling.

Isn't it amazing how the memory of a feeling can be so strong. Etched forever in your mind.

I remember that night.
The night I felt this way, I lay like this on the floor in my bathroom, my body exhausted from the wracking sobs. I had cried for three solid hours straight. Alone in my torment, I was abandoned to suffer alone. I was miserable in my marriage... I had not spoken with my spouse for three months-yes three months, and we lived together in the same house! I had just gotten off the phone with my mother, to whom I related my desire to end my marriage. Only to be told that the idea was ludicrous and that I should grow up. No one understood my state of mind. I was locked in a bind, the vice of propriety and social pressure closing in on me... adamant to squelch a free spirit. That night, I lay on the floor and sobbed 'till there were no tears left and my soul felt empty. A couple of years later, during hajj, in the middle of tawaf, while I spoke with my God, I said to him,
"help me... I never want to feel like I did that night. help my torment reach a resolution... give me peace... give me closure... give me respite... help me..."
Hajj was in January.
In November my husband and I separated.
3 months later we were divorced.
Today I am free.
But the memory of the pain of that night, though dull and blunted is still there.
I painted this from that memory... of a pain... of a soul... locked in the cage of it's own demise... and silenced into unbearable suffering.
Yes, I remember that night.
"

Thursday, May 29, 2008

The drive home...

On my drive home today I saw a car pulled over on the country highway. I did not give it much thought until I saw a couple standing close by locked in an embrace. The woman was crying and the man held her tight and close, his head and shoulders bending down into her neck. She leaned into him with a need and her body displayed the comfort she felt in his embrace. The tension was palpable and the passion and the absolute inability to be apart. It was all there to see.

A lovers spat that resulted in one of them storming out? The other ran after... to clarify, to speak what needed to be said, to love, to show the love, to need and be needed.

I was locked into their drama for the split second that it took for me to drive past them.

As I drove on away, I was envious. Of the passion that met it's match. Of the lover who was held on to tight.

I wanted that. To be, and be with, someone who would not be afraid to love. Who would not let me walk away. Whom I could not let walk away

I wanted that. To be one half of that exquisite dynamic. To find a true match. From whom I could not be parted, nor he from me.

I have had that in the past... but only one side of it and the sides alternate.

-I love with a passion and it is matched but things happen and when I walk away no one has come after me.
-I have not gone after someone who left.
-I have been loved but not felt a passion in return.
-I have loved with a passion that was unrequited.

As I drove away, I thought... I want that.

Introspection

The bustle of lives around me irks
The chatter of small talk deafening...
Generally gregarious, I am suffocated
By the press of human contact
I flee the scene
In search of solitude
Jealousy guarding
My space
Withdrawing into the recesses of my mind
I marinade in the juices
Of my musings
The wandering
Bliss of intellect
A safe haven
In the storm
That is life

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Jon (posted a little late...)

I am a rocker chick at heart. My friend Jennifer and I are die-hard Bon Jovi fans...

Being in Grad school can interfere with having a social life... in fact I recall that during the program orientation the faculty warned us, "...if you are planning on having a life, DON"T!..." They weren't kidding. But thanks to Jennifer who remembered to score tickets for us in time and called to let me know a month in advance what I would be doing on the night of 3/16/2008- I made it!
Chris Daughtry opened for him. But Jon Jon was A M Azing!!!

A night with him is always one of the best nights of my life... :)
And my red T-Shirt is super cool.





Climax! (to Boleadoras...)

Want
Need
Crave
Desire

Now
Here

Consume
Engulf
Possess

Inflame
Incinerate
Yearn

Deeper
Higher

Zenith

Denouement


Suspension of disbelief




(It refers to the willingness of a person to accept as true the premises of a work of fiction, even if they are fantastic or impossible)

You speak
I listen
I talk
You respond
Round and round in circles
We dance
Willfully ignorant
Defying reality
Relishing our fantasy
You demand fidelity
I promise it forever
I crave
You fulfill
Late into the night
We while the time away
You at one end of the world
And me at another
Enmeshed by a yearning
A wanting so deep
Spiralling ever deeper
While we sway and dance on
In our
Suspension
Of disbelief


(I did not know what the song meant, but the music makes me feel what I wrote...After writing, I looked up the lyrics and translation and was surprised to see that what I wrote still makes sense to me in terms of meaning. I guess music does transcend all languages!))
* (see comment box for song lyrics and translation...)

Blue...

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Leap of faith....

In 1998, I was married. In 2000 I had my daughter. In 2004 I got separated. In 2005 I enrolled in school, I fought my battle in court and got divorced. I learned how to live on my own. In Summer of 2006 I had my heart broken, really bad. The torment of it continued through the year. In 2007 I vowed to move on. I did... big time... only to end up hurting someone very dear to me, pretty bad.

Devastated by what I had done and realizing what I had lost in the process I was numb. When fear seeks to engulf me, I fight back by facing fear itself. What terrifies me, I must conquer. In one such ritual, I jumped out of a plane at 18000 feet.

I was terrified, but I was gung ho about doing it. There was no doubt that I was going to go through with it. My mind was made up. All that remained was getting to that point. At the training center, after being processed, I proceeded to gobble up a king size snickers bar... to keep the hypoglycemia (and hence fear) at bay. The sugar rush wore off much before my turn to jump. Another 500 calories and giant size snickers bar later, I suited up and got in the plane.

The fear did not actually strike until I was the last jumper (trainer and filmer do not count!) left in the plane. The others had jumped at 12000! I remember saying my prayers. I was petrified. In the video I see raw and naked fear in my eyes just before I jump- but I smile. That is how I deal with overwhelming situations. I mask them and keep going.

I recall a vague sense of inevitability. A "This is it..." moment. This moment has occurred several times in my life. At crossroads. At times of great magnitude. The feeling is the same. Fear bordering on panic but my mind refusing to let panic take over. A conscious ripping away of my feeling state occurs, to give way to my defensive cognitive state. An awareness of what is to come. An acceptance of the inevitability of what must be. An embracing of that. And then the leap. A defiant "Bring it on!" I am ready. I take a deep breath and then I feel solidity leave my feet. There is a brief moment of tangible fear and not knowingness that is electric... and then the leap...the deafening silence...endless... for a second that lasts forever... and then nothing but elation.

Elation for a fear conquered. Elation for all the losses I have survived... smiling...retaining my optimism... and a sense of the beauty of life. Elation at being alive. Elation at feeling alive in this exquisite moment of experiencing 100% pure unadulterated life. There is a breathtaking sunset. The air is fresh and sweet. I am plummeting to the earth, free falling, flying, living, existing, at peace.

Life freezes as time rolls by. I am alive. I feel. I am at peace. In this moment there is so much beauty, and awareness, and freedom, and loss, and acceptance, and humility, and gratitude, and peace.... blissful, beautiful, elusive peace....

The parachute opens, and I float down content in my thoughts. Que serra, serra... what will be, will be. And I am content to let it be. I am comforted by the warmth of my blood, the beating of my heart. I am comforted by having. By having lived the past few minutes.

If given a choice, which would you choose? One moment of pure life, or a lifetime of mundane.

I chose the moment of pure life. I let go of control and embraced fear. I took the leap of faith. I believed. My life is a series of leaps. A series of moments of pure life. The mundane does not entice me anymore. The magic of having experienced purity, is that you can recognize it hidden deep within the mundane. It is there, just for the taking. Courage is all that is needed. A little courage and humility. To be able to let it all go in one fell swoop. To believe... To have faith... To leap... Over and over again... To leap.


Coiffure evolution...

It's that time of year again. I have decided to go back to curls. Friday is D-Day. Will definitely keep you posted... The end result shall be short and curly. Color stays the same...



(1998)


(1998)


(2007)


(2005)


(2002)


(2001)


(2003)


(1998)

Monday, May 26, 2008

Holier than thou...

Humility is such a rarity to find these days and yet it is the most admirable quality of all. I read several excerpts of interviews with someone I once worked with and was pissed off by this new stream of "modern Islam" bull!@#! that seem to be circulating. Now folks I do not know what "modern" Islam is. There is Islam and there is Islam. There is no such thing as "modern Islam"! That, I am sorry to say, is a cop out by those who know what is right and what is not, yet choose to do what is not... and then want social backing to do it.

I know what is right and what is wrong. Often I will make the choice to do what is wrong, even though I know better. That is my flaw. I do it because it feels good. I do it because sometimes it is easier to do. I do it because I am weak. I don't feel good about it. And when I do, it serves as an excuse to do wrong again, because after all....I am already in neck deep...might as well go the whole nine yards, right? That is my excuse. BUT- That does not mean that I need to go around preaching what I do wrong as being right and therefore "modern Islam" and seek to find a following and support for it.

Despite all I do wrong, I have the utmost respect for Islam. And I am livid that there is this new trend of "modern Islam". Maybe I am a fundamentalist and fanatic at heart. Maybe it is my guilt talking. All I know is that half the crap that is being touted as modern liberalism is BS!

I admire people who can live in this day and age and still stay true to their religious values. I also believe in tolerance of others. What I despise is- wrong being sugar coated as right and then being shoved at me.

Do not get me wrong. I am not an it's got to be black or white person. I believe in varying shades of gray. But in some instances there is no gray. Take child molestation for example.... There is no gray there. It is wrong. No ifs ands or buts about it! So for all you "modern Muslims" out there.... please give it a rest. Research your religion before you go about spouting propaganda that is ludicrous.

Islam has a magnificent history and culture. It also has a great value system. It is my religion of choice. I wasn't just born a Muslim. I researched and read about other faiths. I have a good grasp of other paths to truth but for me Islam is what brings me to understanding. If there are differences with others, it does not bother me. I can agree to disagree... I do it everyday with "modern Muslims" in addition to many others.

Can we just stop trying to justify our own point of view. Can we just stop trying to make it okay. Can we stop trying to point fingers everywhere and look and focus instead, on ourselves. I'll even do it first by turning my wrath away from the "modern Muslims" and looking deep within myself to see what is it about the notion of modern Islam that gets me hooked? Why did I react to that so heatedly? Is it guilt? What is the root cause of my disgust? I need to sit and think on it long and hard.....

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Robust Music...

In a car ride with some friends who were discussing music I realized that many of my peeps are not familiar with my taste... Belonging to many diverse cultures I have a somewhat eclectic experience of music therefore I shall share here, some of my favorites who are not as well known to my peeps...

Angelique Kidjo
Embedding for these has been disabled, but also see Agolo & Wombo Lombo. She won the 2008 Grammy for Best Comtemporary World Music Album.




Boney M



Rai Music legend Khaled
I love his "El Arabi" too!





Lara Fabian



Nina Simone
This was originally written for her and recorded first by her in 1964



Reshman



Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan



Amr Diab- awarded the world music award three times, 1998, 2002, 2007



Alessandro Safina- The Tenor from Italy



Mariza

Crossroads...




Something the Mohican said inspired me to write this one....

I painted this last summer. It is titled crossroads. My great love once said to me, "paint how you feel..." I painted this after my love and I parted ways. It was my depiction of what occurred between us.

Life brings us to crossroads...We choose the path we will take.

I am a firm believer of CHOICE THEORY- the only person whose behavior we can control, is our own. We cannot make someone who chooses to leave- stay. But we can control how we will behave after. No one can make us follow them down a path we refuse to tread. We choose which path shall be ours. If it is one that is also theirs, we walk side by side... if not we part ways once we hit the crossroads.

I shared a beautiful path with him. It was true and intense and magnificent in every way and at the crossroads we parted ways. At the crossroads I let go of pain and bitterness and embraced acceptance and understanding.

I am somewhere completely different now and on a different note I say- At a crossroads, I went astray... Enmeshed as I am in confusion and questions, someone now beckons me with a reminder of the truth. Our paths crossed once before but back then we did not interact. Why at this point in time is he brought once more to intersect my path... there is a purpose in it. Things happen for a reason... Is he here to remind me of truth. He challenges my complacence. That is a good thing. I have become complacent. At this new crossroads I stand. A new struggle for understanding. The choice is mine...

How existential! When brought to a crossroads how shall we choose? When made aware how shall we act? If life is a given and so is free will, choices...choices are all that remain. To want is forever. Restlessness is mine. My depth is an ocean. My spirit seeks to fly. The more I learn, the less sure I am. The more that I see, I am content in my own company, with my thoughts, and my musings, and layered meanings like hidden treasures hold me enmeshed...

The choices I make, make me who I am. I choose to sit still and think and be. To me this is agony. To me this is bliss.

This one's for you "Mohican"



This is one of my favorite's... May it inspire you as much as it does me and fill your heart with warmth.

Time...



I thought of a nineteen year old today. Giddy with excitement at the prospect of something new and exciting. Confident as she signed, with a flourish, her name on a document that would give her life away. She was in love. But with whom? The man she married? Another...? Or perhaps the idea of love. In retrospect I am inclined to believe the latter.

I thought of the heartache that followed... Of the demise of a dream. The disillusionment and harsh reality, as slowly a soul was incinerated under the dominant subjugation of one life by another. In retrospect I wonder how much resulted as a reaction to my actions... I still do not know.

I thought of the struggle for freedom. Of the long, hard journey that had to be made alone. I thought of the strength that resulted from the experience of suffering and perseverence. The dark hopelessness that gave way to the bright new rays of sunshine. The beautiful friends who stood silently by and gave encoragement... and the carnivorous folks who tore at limb and sinew elated by the sport.

I thought of new beginnings and fresh new loves. Of those who gave me wings to fly and defined me in many new ways. I thought of losses fresh and new. Of friends who survived the transitions and stayed...

I thought of the change of seasons and how far I have come since then. I took a long, deep look within and smiled hard and bright. I saw, no longer a girl, but instead a woman. All grown up.... giddy still, and excited at the prospect of life and fun.

I thought of the passing of time and smiled. I thought of bitterness that failed to take hold, and pessimism that finds no roots. I relished the abundance of hope and optimism that exist instead. I savor the girly exuberance that is my essence still.

I thought.... yes, I thought and I was at peace. If I could do it all over, I would not change a thing.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Monday, May 19, 2008

SOD a la Shahnaz!

Okay folks! Degree shmeegree! I am in the wrong business I have decided! A recent episode has convinced me once and for all. The millions are to be made in landscaping! I am terribly house maintenance challenged. I hire people to fix everything. In this day and age of do it yourselfness I am a write-the-check-and- sleep-easy person. Granted it is not always economical but then I am one of those who enjoys the luxury of it. If I end up the poorer for having spent the money, the lavish feeling ends up being worth it. As a matter of fact, the last time I swept my kitchen floor was when I was livid and did it to blow off some steam and get rid of excess aggressive energy since a run or a session of racquetball was out of the question at that ungodly and not to mention chilly hour. House cleaning, yard care and taxes are perfectly good things to hire someone else to do the dirty work. But this last incident even leaves me feeling a tad FOOLISH!

What I speak of is my airfare to Europe which is currently lying in my yard! I kid you not. My yard maintenance bill for this month was the equivalent of a business class ticket to two destinations in Europe! And I don't mean I had any fancy orchids and ponds and waterfalls installed. Nor was there any sod involved! The said amount is for the mowing and trimming, fertilizing and seeding and let us not forget the mulch! Well sure I like the fancy (not to mention pretty and EXPENSIVE) red mulch but this is ridiculous!
"Hello dear friends... I will not be joining you in Europe this summer but you can all come and hang out on my yard! It is as pricey as Europe!"

The sting of it is still fresh. It looks stunning no doubt. The lush green contrasting nicely with the luscious red of the mulch and the beautiful trees out front that are in full bloom (the basic reason why I bought the house)(the trees afford you so much privacy you could walk around naked inside with all the drapes and blinds up...and your neighbors would be none the wiser!)But a four figure landscaping bill is the bane of my existence this month. OUCH! Who needs a degree. Apparently landscaping is the business to be in. I should start my own. I think I would do well. I could dabble in sod. I could call it "Sod by Shahnaz" or even "Sod a la Shahnaz!"

Soddfully yours!
Shahnaz!

Obsession

I have been like a woman possessed these past few days. I recently got in touch with a very controversial public personality. One that is/(was??) annoyingly handsome and attractive and irritatingly intriguing and volatile. The said person has moments of lucidity that are 100% in sync with my wavelength and then goes off on a rampage that is insultingly chauvinistic and shockingly biased.

That is the problem. I have failed to "box" him. And huntress that I am, I am excited by this challenge. I have voraciously been researching him. Google makes social voyeurism an addiction and folks I am hopelessly hooked! What is more, it is amazing how much detail one can find about an other's life via Google.

BUT: here's the deal... it needs to stop. I am a Google monster these days. Every free (and sometimes not so free) moment is spent researching this one individual. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggghhhhhhhhh!!

So being the counseling student that I am I have resorted to the behaviorist technique. I have been snapping a rubber band on my wrist- which BTW is sore and red, yet the googling has not stopped! I need another approach. Any suggestions???

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Sin Tax!!!!!!!!!!!!



What is it?
"A state-sponsored tax that is added to products or services that are seen as vices, such as alcohol, tobacco and gambling. These type of taxes are levied by governments to discourage individuals from partaking in such activities without making the use of the products illegal. These taxes also provide a source of government revenue.

Sin taxes are typically added to liquor, cigarettes and other non-luxury items. State governments favor sin taxes because they generate an enormous amount of revenue and are usually easily accepted by the general public because they are indirect taxes that only affect those who use the products. When individual states run deficits, the sin tax is typically one of the first taxes recommended by lawmakers to help fill the budget gap."
(Cited from- http://www.investopedia.com/terms/s/sin_tax.asp)

Hmmmmmmm...

As Anthony Hopkins says in Meet Joe Black "There are only two certainties in life... Death and taxes." In this case, for the sinners out there it's "hell and taxes".

My perplexity:
So not only is one going to go to HELL apparently one is going to be TAXED too!

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Regarding "J"

I know of three "J"s presently.

The first and foremost is the "J" of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator
They are the Judging Characteristics:

Plan many of the details in advance before moving into action.
Focus on task-related action; complete meaningful segments before moving on.
Work best and avoid stress when they keep ahead of deadlines.
Naturally use targets, dates and standard routines to manage life.


There is "J" B
My dear friend. Never ceases to amaze me. Accepting and non-judgemental of me ad infinitum. Love that about him. I had a talk with him today and bared my heart and soul (as I often do)(much like regurgitating)it is that way with us always. Stuff just gets told. We have few if any secrets from each other. But I digress.... I had my talk and told all. We laughed hysterically over piety, hot teas, phone play, big money schemes via which we plan to buy an island somewhere off the coast of Puerto Rico (trust me..this one would get us rich! If I could just put my conscience aside.. lol) and a manner of other interesting little sundries. After the conversation was over, I felt relieved, rejuvenated, restored. Now I know why I love the bloke to death. He warms my heart and accepts me as I am. We fight, and bicker and argue sometimes but in the end we are dudes! Very little of the first J in him I bet!


And most recently there is "J" J
A most interesting addition. I am perplexed by the judgement and rancour I perceive from that end. A hunger-ness even. A soul who seeks to fly free and wild and yet is chained in their own scruples. Then there is also an insatiable desire to know how those who fly free and wild do it. If ever I was an object of curiosity, admiration and perplexity for someone this "J" has to be it! I am criticized mercilessly for my choice of language. I am criticized for my bluntness. I am lectured on my manners. And I am idolized for my talents??!! There is a total clash of a sense of humor. I have not detected one that will recognize mine....I must admit. I am totally at a loss with how things have evolved regarding this J. It was completely unexpected. But regardless, being the Me I am... I am elbow deep in analyzing the complexities of the psyche of this new J. I am much intrigued by my findings.... I for once am (almost) struck speechless. And that is definitely something! This last one has a very high dose of J I'll guarantee.

I, by the way, am no J!
I am very proud of my extra large "P- ness" (tongue in cheek...which is incidentally the complete opposite of a J)
:)

Au Revoir

Real Men




OR....

Real men wear red bows on their dress shoes! Cast your vote!



Dress code!

Mother's Day




In the eight years since I have been a mother, I have waited for this day! The past several years have been full of forgotten mother's day's by my (now) ex-spouse (yes there is a reason we are not together!) and I eagerly awaited with longing for the day when my child would understand the concept of celebrating a mother.

Today was perfect. My little angel made it the BEST mother's day ever.

She had planned for this for weeks. She had a present for me and insisted that her bookshelf was "off limits". That was the hiding place for the loot! And then on Friday, her school folder was off limits too.

She woke me up this morning with her sweet voice and sleepy face as she tumbled into bed with me and kissed me declaring "Happy Mother's Day Mom!" When I dragged myself away from my dreams to turn my face towards her and opened my eyes to the most beautiful sight in the world- her sweet face, she stated matter of factly, "You look more beautiful than ever!"

I was floored. I said, "Really???" and she said, "You always look beautiful but right now you look more beautiful than you have ever looked before." I gazed into the ebony black eyes of the most beautiful face I have ever seen and recalled the first moment that I laid eyes on my treasure. Yup, I thought... my once and forever "true love at first sight". SHE is still it. Her love is unconditional. So is mine.

She insisted that I not make my bed. She wanted to do it. She washed up and hurried downstairs before me. When I followed a few moments later, she had prepared breakfast for me! Fruity Pebbles-the wonder cereal... with a napkin and spoon all laid out. And then she produced my present. It was a heart-shaped ring with a blue jewel heart! I melted on the spot. And a delightful book mark that she had made at school. I looked at her and felt like the luckiest woman on earth. I AM the luckiest woman on earth. I have my beloved treasure and nothing else means more.

Later in the day, my gigantic hearted daughter went to spend some time with her father and step-mom! They too after all are moms right? (as my friend once put it... once you look past the evil warts and moles they are actually okay)

When I called later to wish my mom a happy mom's day, and she asked to speak to my little one- I told her, "She's at her dad and step mom's place visiting". My mom said to me, "On Mother's Day?....Hmmm.... darling, you are my gigantic hearted daughter!" I was silent for a moment. Mother's are great, I thought. They understand so much. And daughters too. And the three generations of women that we are, Mom- Me- and My munchkin.... we have more in common than I thought!

Yup! We are FABULOUS women. We know each other inside out. And we love each other fiercely!

Boys & Girls...





What are little boys made of?
Snips and snails, and puppy dogs tails
That's what little boys are made of!
What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice and all things nice
That's what little girls are made of!



I was invited out to dinner at the house of my dear friends for dinner. It was a mother's-day eve celebration of the mom in me and the mom in my friend. Her husband prepared dinner and pampered us with a delightful evening of go-kart racing, Wii, and yummy food!

They have two sons, one of whom is in my daughter's class. It was perfectly hilarious to observe how little boys and little girls interact at age 8.

This is how one particular incident unfolded...

Their daredevil son has a kiddie motorbike and to be perfectly honest he made quite a dashing picture in his red biker helmet, Ray Ban's and smooth riding moves (I am partial to bikers). To impress my daughter, he took off down the go-kart track and returned after a victorious round of superb riding skill demonstration and parked himself in front of my indifferent daughter who was lounging on the bench in her dainty, bejeweled slippers sipping on bottled water.

He waited for a few moments for some sort of acknowledgement and when none was forthcoming, he proceeded to demand attention. "Wanna come for a ride?" he asked. My daughter raised a disdainful eyebrow and haughtily shook her head no. Thus rejected he tried a taunt, "Are you scared?" To which she very calmly and elegantly replied, "No. I'm just not in the mood", and proceeded to adjust her slippers and play with the little baby son who is 2.

Completely at a loss, the poor biker got off his bike and took off his helmet and sun shades and proceeded to throw them down on the bench, giving the poor 2 year old a very deliberate shove in the process. He then marched off indoors and returned shortly with his "license"- a cute little number plate sized for his sweet ride with his moniker proudly emblazoned on it. He flashed it around for a little while. My coy daughter meanwhile, completely ignored his attention seeking behavior and got up and went for a stroll with the baby. Now at his wits end, the jilted rider capered around making war cries and exaggerated king Kong-ish movements. In response my daughter picked up his sunglasses and tossed them over her shoulder and proceeded to declare (quite shockingly), "there boy...go fetch!" (tsk...tsk...)(I did intervene at this point and insisted that we do not make our friends "go fetch")(His parents chuckled and enjoyed the interaction unfold, unwilling to taint it with grown-up interference)

The disgusted rider picked up his shades and then tried a different strategy. He motioned to the golf cart and asked to take her for a ride. The young lady's eyes lit up at this suggestion but unwilling to appear too eager she said, "can you drive it?"

Encouraged the young suitor dashed to the cart and my daughter followed at a leisurely pace. With the baby buckled safely between them my daughter daintily adjusted herself in a most elegant and proud manner that would put the Windsor's to shame. She crossed her legs daintily and proceeded to comment on his driving skills, "slow down a little...can this thing go faster...you're making the baby bump around too much....watch out for that...."

They went once around the house and I could tell that my little princess was having a ball. When they went around the second time, the little dare devil tried a new maneuver to impress his lady rider and totally goofed up! The golf cart went under some very low hanging tree branches, messing up the princess's coif, sputtered, jammed and died! His dad had to go rescue him. Completely mortified the mighty rider drove back in shame with his much chagrined passengers and one chastising dad. "Mommy he went under the tree and I got leaves tangled in my hair" she declared smoothing her raven locks and making sure the baby was okay.

With head hanging down, the deflated rider forgot his manners and stomped out of the cart, neglecting to unbuckle and help the lady and the baby down. Upon being corrected on his lack of gentlemanly attention to chivalry by his father, (who had to do the job in his stead) he was even more mortified...."Yeah you need to be a gentleman..." piped in the young lady herself, followed by a very definite yes! sounding gurgle by the indignant baby who followed the dainty princess indoors. A much humbled bike rider trailed in back with his flashy red helmet and those oh so dashing Ray Ban's!

And the kids proceeded to go and play the Wii, while the adults were left to chuckle over the intricacies of the (bungled?) interactions between the genders...

LOL!