Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Some days...

And some days its hurts like hell
And some days I feel my skin burn
Simply because it craves your touch
And my heart aches and breaks
And the tears just well up in my eyes
And I look to the door
Hoping that you'd walk through it
And yes I lay awake at night
And whisper your name
As my tears fall into my pillow
It broke
What we had
(Or so I thought...)
(...that we had...)
It shattered to pieces
And I come to grips with that truth
It was not real
What we had
All the words that you spoke
They were never true
And still
Some days
My world just seems to spin
As my heart aches
Over you-
Some days

Monday, January 16, 2012

In love there are no rules...

"When you enter love with an indifference towards feeling weak...you are a fool in love"

I have a heart and I don't intend to keep it locked up in a vault for safekeeping. If you do- Adieu...

But if you have a heart that is organic and not frozen, likes to beat and not be stagnant, if you can love and be loved back, and if you have a pair of balls (that is bigger than mine)and are able to acknowledge your insecurities and take ownership of them, instead of projecting them on me- lets talk...
Let's have a conversation that is you and me-

I don't like to play games
I don't play hot and cold
If you're hot you're hot
If not bugger off! (I am honest- to a fault)
And yes it is a lot to take-

but darling... in love... there are no rules...
and to play you have to be a fool... a fool in love...
but while at it don't for a moment think that i suffer just any fools
because there are fools-
and then there are fools in love!

In love there are no rules... just fools... fools in love!
And yes love is cruel...

U2-So Cruel

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Walk on-

Moving on...

And love is not the easy thing...the only baggage you can bring is all that you can't leave behind...

A brief moment of pause
A feeling that my heart just stopped
A memory so infused with ache and pain and rage and desire and confusion
A moment of breathing
A run down the hall to Debbie to process- her recommendation
A call for help and support from friends
Many, many texts and words of support that flooded in... in less than a minute
A decision made
The breach secured

Kate's words of wisdom remembered and recited out loud-
Never allow intimate access to someone who hurts you...

Sanity and safety restored

Yes I am- WALKING!
Leave it behind-

You've got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break

All that you measure
All that you steal
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress up
All that you scheme...

All this you can- leave behind...

I Choose-

...to live by choice and not by chance,
to make changes- not excuses!
to be motivated, not manipulated
to be useful- not used.
to excel, not compete

i choose self esteem, not self pity
i choose to listen to my inner voice- not the random opinion of others

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Campfires and firecrackers

I googled campfires after my conversation last night. A conversation I really enjoyed. After the dead weight that I have been dragging around for these past few painful months, the relief was welcome and comforting- blissful even...

This morning, again, I woke up with a smile on my face. Life has a new pulse and a new energy to it and for that I am so very grateful. I did not sleep well last night... I was too excited and giddy I guess. So after some warm milk the thinking kicked in and did the thoughts just pour in. But that is a different post-

This post is about campfires-

This is what Wikipedia had to say and for once I liked what Wikipedia had to say

A campfire is a fire lit at a campsite, to serve the following functions: light, warmth, a beacon, a bug and/or apex predator deterrent, to cook, and for a psychological sense of security. In established campgrounds they are usually in a fire ring for safety.

Functions- Light, warmth, a beacon (for the lost or those seeking), bug deterrent, apex predator deterrent, to cook (hence sustenance), and for a psychological sense of security...
I read the description again and that home seeking, soul seeking part of me, yearning part of me, breathed deep. I thought to myself- it is uncanny how my soul will use a metaphor to describe another human, in a way that reflects my needs.

I wonder out loud- was it my need I projected, or the traits of the person I attributed that metaphor to? I don't know. It was a descriptor that came naturally to mind and I voiced it.

And then there is the firecracker-

Loud, energetic, sparkly, colorful, full of sparks and spurts, explosive and eventually wears out after all the fuss and goes out...

I thought and even stated some of it-

After it's all done sparkling around, the firecracker me longs to go and curl up beside the warmth and steady comfort of a campfire. A firecracker- a sparkler has an intense burst of fire. Explosive. Eye catching. Enchanting. And then it wears out, it tires...and goes out. It is cold and dark, and yet there is still a longing for warmth, fire and flame... not the explosive kind. The gentle and warm kind, that will smolder beautifully, at a steady pace all through the long, cold, dark night...keeping watch, keeping safe, keeping warm, sustaining, protecting, shining a light with which to see with clarity...and come dawn it can awake and sparkle again after being nourished through the night.

Built in a fire ring- for safety...

The definition of insanity- doing the same thing and expecting different results.

But alas- what is the safety ring?
How does one determine?
How to delineate those safe parameters...
Now those are thoughts indeed-

So it was- my thought pattern with campfires and firecrackers...

Monday, January 9, 2012



It has been a rock-an'- rollin' time of double innuendos that I have spouted all over the place lately-
Here goes-

So I had this posted on my fb and I had referenced a friend of mine in a comment. The comment was,

"Moussa, maybe you could serve them their nuts on a silver platter with this!"

Upon taking a second look I blanched! lol... In my defence- Moussa is a flight attendant and was grumbling about being treated like a slave by his customers in first class... wanting their warm nuts on a silver platter... Context people, context!

And then there was my conversation about getting my concealed firearms permit and my fascination with guns! Here is how that one went

"What I really want to shoot is a sniper rifle with a supertelescopic lens, you know, an assasin's rifle. That would be such an awesome profession btw! "

And yup! This is where I realized my flub...

"Except for the killing part. Awesome because of the shooting part, NOT the killing part...!

And then came the Jason Bourne-

Him-"I have been told I could pull that off because I look like him..."
Me-"Oh you could absolutely pull that off- But I refuse to be the helpless chick. I want my own damn gun and I shoot alongside you!
Him- "Hell yeah!"
Me- "Word Up!"

All was good and dandy until this point...

Me-"That is the extent of my gangsta vocabulary... but seriously what does 'word up' mean? Pathetic! I sound like a city gal trying so hard to be a hood thug"
Him- "I have no idea but that's funny that you tried..."

Well folks here goes- Word Up- The song that revolutionized the term- (yes I googled it!)( I know I am a geek!)
Originally written by Cameo in 1986-  I like the version by Gun better- I think it was the image that caught my attention...lol...

And then there was this conversation-

My side- "If you are still in bed I am so jealous!"
Their side- "Aren't you?"
My side- "I am at work earning an honest living in the hood like a minion"
Their side-"Honest in the hood eh?"
My side-Hunh? (reads over conversation)
My side-"Bloody autocorrect and long nails! Earning an honest living like a GOOD little minion"
Their side- "Easy now tiger...you don't want to break a nail!
My side- "grrrrrrrrrrrrrr! lol that's hrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"



So I'm waiting.... tick tock tick tock-
And debating- shall I or shall I not wear the leather to the show? lol...
I intend to go as Selene. I think I'll even take a werewolf in tow. Currently accepting werewolf applications...


Sunday, January 8, 2012

O M G!!

All smiles...
I'm smiling and I'm not telling why...
Not yet at least


Friday, January 6, 2012

Sorry I kissed you in New York City!


Damn stupid autocorrect-
That was the glorious gist of the msg I sent a gal pal via mobile the other day!
The intended communication-

Sorry I MISSED you in the city.

Well I am reminded of my biggest flub of this past summer at the beach. I was gone on vacation and my landscaper had texted me twice asking about his payment check. I texted him back (long nails and all...) and this is what he received-

I am kinky suzy all week. I'll be back on Sunday and you can have it then. 

I was horrified when I saw what had been sent out.
The intended msg-

I am at the beach all week. I'll be back on Sunday and you can have it then.

A friend floated this out of fb yesterday and it had me in fits of laughter...

Happy laughing!


It gets better and better-
So after a year's hiatus I emailed Gandalf today!

See I am a reckless and impulsive creature, especially when it comes to loss. Actually when it comes to loss I am a fearful creature. I run away from loss, thinking that will somehow make me avoid the loss (yeah that works!)

Anyhoo- So after Gandalf's early retirement- I was so devastated at the impending loss that I completely removed myelf from the picture...(spell L-O-S-S)(I never said there was any sense in my actions!) And I stayed away (sigh...) and have not been in touch since. (!!!) (Gulp!!!)(more sighs....)

But this morning, on my drive to work- I missed him. No- I MISSED HIM!!! Yeah that's better. I really miss my Wednesdays with Gandalf- So I decided, pish posh and all that. I'm stopping this silly, pointless, nonsense this instant! (Damn right!) I came in and that was my first order of business-

I emailed John-
I confessed my silliness (he knows me... and knows me all too well)
I confessed my desire to want him back in my life.


This years keeps getting better and better.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Holy Shit!


Taoism: Shit happens.

Confucianism: Confucius says, "Shit happens."

Buddhism: If shit happens, it is not really shit.

Zen-Buddhism: What is the sound of shit happening?

Hinduism: This shit happened before

Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.

Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.

Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?

Atheism: Shit never happens.

Agnosticism: Shit?

~ Anonymous


Casey's text to me-
"I can't stop smiling! I'm so happy..."

I felt his joy.
I felt the same way.

Every day this year-
Pure sweet joy and happiness-

I guess that is what happens when you ring in the new year dancing and start it with chocolate!

To happiness this year-

old post never published...

"...some lessons can't be learned- they have to be LIVED! when you came here you were full of anger, and that had made you lose your human decency..." 
(sensei to electra)

"...when God wants to destroy someone he turns them to anger..."
"...so you are going to give him exactly what he asked for even though it isn't what he wants...love does not end shahnaz, in time we learn to put it somewhere deep inside us, but it is always there- he is struggling with the same feelings..."
(Barry Williams- to me)

Anger blinds us.
Anger binds us.
Anger makes us deaf.
Anger renders our speech poisonous.
Anger is an insidious killer- first it poisons everything outside us then it poisons us.
Nothing remains in the wake of anger-

The gifts of the universe are subtle.
Love. Acceptance. Peace. Understanding.
You are a lucky soul if you have found a place where these exist.
You are a lucky soul if you have found a person you can feel these with.
The LOUDNESS of anger obscures these gifts...
Anger blinds.
Anger binds.
Anger makes us deaf...
Yes- it is an insidious, thieving scavenger

We go before our God and we pay our dues...
Confess our guilts
Suffer our shame
Grieve our loss
Know the pain
Of hoped for absolution

Wednesday, January 4, 2012


A new year
A new beginning
A new start

I walked familiar trails, in a familiar city, filled with familiar lights-
What a joy to be back again and let you fill me up.
I angered and I yearned and I feared and I cried.
I wasn't able this year to visit old haunts-
It was not the time to sit and bemoan the past
At every step when I tried to relive the past
Fate would not have it and steered me a different way
No, nothing in this world happens by change
We are all part of a delicate fabric
Each tendril exquisitely precise
Each action and step a defining moment
I did not deliberate
I wandered on and
When I tried to sit still I was shoved along
And when I tried to walk back I was broken down
And at last today, just now in fact-
I understand...

Deliberate on all you do
Each moment is infinite
If you only knew
Each thought
Each step
Each action
Incredibly powerful
To alter the course of all existence
Butterfly effect

I will be mindful this year
I will be watchful
I will be true
To me
First and foremost
I will work and toil
my shattered parts I'll rebuild
There's growth in the tear
There's hope in the wear
Weathering is good for the soul
It generates essence
What squeezes us tight and dry
Will render our very core to the forefront
Back to basics
there never was a problem I could not solve
Back to basics
I'll redefine my dilemma
therein lies the answer
It has been there all along
I have merely been asking the wrong question

This year I shall redefine my questions!
A new year
A leap year
A chance to redeem
All that was lost
A chance to live
A moment more...