Wednesday, December 29, 2010

The purge-

And it happened into the wee hours of the night, and afterwards I had the best and most peaceful sleep I have had in a very long time...

Tears are a very good thing at some point. One day soon I hope to smile and be happy again. One day soon I hope I can be free again. And in the meantime I will let the tears flow as they come and be patient.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Breakfast at Tiffany's

The ultimate New York-

Get in out of the snow, to curl up on the couch and watch Breakfast at Tiffany's. While it seemed cliche` it was nonetheless such a perfect New York moment, for me at least.

While this whole New York adventure was an endeavor and attempt at escape, I realize that I keep running into myself. Whatever I am seeking to escape from, I need to embrace. What I am seeking to run from, I need to run headlong into.

Indian food

Isn't it funny, that I missed him while eating Indian food today...! sigh...

Saturday, December 25, 2010

joie de vivre!

up all night in conversation....brekkie in the early morn-
walk the quiet city streets on christmas day. watch the people as they get their morning coffee..."no i am not italian" to the lady in the black coat who asked... oh how i love the city!
stroll through grand central station and watch the hustle and bustle. cute baby smiles at me and waves... i love babies! want one more some day.
shiver in the cold morning air. warm cappuccino! eggs over easy. whole wheat toast... i feel- cleansed... joie de vivre!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

All I want for Christmas-

All I want for Christmas is this big elephant- that has been sitting on my chest to get the hell off!

Yes. Most days, but especially today since about 4pm it has taken residence and become quite comfortable. And I want it off.

So I was talking with my favorite svede and as is his way, he accepts and listens and comforts me. In his friendship today I found lightness. The elephant moved. I was reminded again that I have the tools to get past this. I need not long for people in whose company I unravel. I need not long for people who break me and are careless with me. I need not long for people who selfishly manipulate me for their own gains. That is not love- that is selfishness. I have perhaps mistaken for love, things that were not actually love. But in so doing I have loved. And my heart is broken as a result of having loved.

To those who are wondering- I am not interested- In a relationship. In dating. In being with anyone at the moment. I am not looking. I do not want it. I have no taste or desire for it. I am merely hurt and lost and I need only to heal. I need the time to me for me and I want to be in the company of my near and dear ones. My friends. My daughter. Myself. I need to do me. I want to do me.

I do not need in my life anyone who isn't accepting of me for who I am, as I am. Please take your leave and do not return. You shall not be missed and I wish you well. Leave and don't ever come back. Thank you very much.

Now, back to more important things. My well being and my sanity. My happiness and my self. Hello world. This is me. I am part crazy, part odd, part weird and all me... And that is just the way I like me. I understand if that is not okay with some of you and I am completely okay with that. The exit is to your left. Please follow the white lights and watch your step as you exit. For the rest of you who do see me, know me , understand me, accept me- Hello! I love you. Now let's get this thing started already... Welcome and you mean the world to me too!

Merry Christmas!


just breathe

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

meray hath katora hay maangan da-

teri raza kay aagay sar jhuk gaya
dali say ab yay patta tut gaya
meray ikhtayar say sab chut gaya
talaash reh gayi baaqi

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

A dull ache-

And now all that remains is a dull ache...

Mornings are the hardest-
They always have been.
Wake up from slumber to a fresh new day
And that is the first thought that crosses my mind.
And then comes the crushing force of memories, anger, pain, betrayal, hurt, forgiveness and eventually
A peace...of sorts
Get up- make the bed,
Open wide the curtains to let in the light
And I wonder again
What will be?
Do I even ever want to see him again?
And sometimes it is a yes
And sometimes it is a no
More recently it has been
I don't know...
And all that remains now
Is a dull ache
Building up sometimes
And then simmering down low

It is what it is.
And I have survived it.
And I am not dead
I must, therefore, be stronger
Than I thought I was
I must therefore be stronger
Than I used to be
And wiser too

I cried a little yesterday
Because my daughter left home for the holidays
I fought with her yesterday
Because she was leaving
And then I apologized and told her why I fought
"I always fight with people when they leave"
I told her...
"It is because I do not want them to leave. I am merely hurt and sad and it comes out in fights instead."
She listened. She understood. She told me she loved me.
I remembered fighting with my mother before she was to leave. I remembered fighting with M. before he left and before I left. I fight and I fight and now I am tired.
So I told her- my kid,
"I am tired of fighting...maybe I'll just hug you instead..."
And so I did
and then she was gone...

And now all that remains
Is just a dull ache instead

I have fought with most everyone I know
I told him as I lay in his arms
I hate being controlled
I hate being manipulated
People in my life
Do that to me all the time

Try to control who I can and cannot be friends with
What I can and cannot do
What I eat
How I eat
If I am sad
If I am glad
"You should be happy"
"You should be mad"
"You need to get over"
"You need to- this and that..."
How about if I just am
The way I am
And that would be enough...
I don't want to eat pizza
I like to work out
I have many friends
And yes I can hurt
Some days I feel sad
Just let me be
And then maybe it isn't even them that I am mad at
It is me
Because I cannot control them
But I can control me
I am not too strong
To control me all the time
So it is so much simpler
To blame them I see
And then I am humbled
And then I can see
It isn't them at all
It is all really me

And then it returns
The dull ache
As I have to start from scratch
With me again
And try to be kind
And accepting and patient
With me-
So yes
It's back to square "1"
and I shall do it over and over and over again
Until I get it

Like I do with my new boxing set
Step by step
Stay on the balls of your feet

Oh did I mention-
I got a boxing set!
I punch away with glee
In my kitchen
To the beat of some awesome music
Dull ache and all
Life goes on....

Sunday, December 19, 2010

30 Seconds to Mars-Hurricane and Jared Leto

I stand by my verdict-


I loved the photography, the concept, the pace, the lighting, angles...all of it- love, love, loved it! Leto's having a hard time getting it past the censor boards because as is to be expected it is not being allowed to air on TV. I think he should go for an internet release and a CD/DVD uncut, uncensored version. It is his artistic vision and I for one love it.

So Michaelangelo portrayed David as a nude? Is that pornographic too? And there are people who live the BDSM lifestyle. Is that wrong? Kink exists in our lives as do fetishes and sex and all the rest? Is sex bad. As an adult who has had sex and procreated and has a kid, I can state sex is a part of life. It is one of man's primal needs from my perspective. Is it the existence of sex that is offensive? Or the portrayal and photography of it through Leto's vision offensive? Or the fact that I am unashamed and unafraid to state that I liked the video offensive or the fact     
that I chose to post it offensive? I am a little confused here- help me please.

I know I am going to get a ton of backlash for this post but what the heck-

I loved it. I thought it was a really sexy video- I love Jared Leto- I think he is a beautiful man. And really, I think sex is a natural thing- with consenting adults and all that sort of deal- To each his own taste in what they like-

Peace people. 

And for the record-
The song could stand alone based on the lyrics themselves. I still love the video for what it is and the song for what it is... Art is art folks- 
Here are the lyrics-

No matter how many times that you told me you wanted to leave.
No matter how many breaths that you took you still couldn't breathe.
No matter how many nights that you lied wide awake to the sound of the poison rain.

Where did you go? Where did you go? Where did you go?

Heart beat, a heart beat, I need a... heart beat, a heart beat...

Tell me would you kill to save for a life?
Tell me would you kill to prove you're right?
Crash, crash, burn let it all burn.
This hurricane is chasing us all underground.

No matter how many deaths that I die, I will never forget.
No matter how many lifes I live, I will never regret.
There's a fire inside this heart and a riot about to explode into flames.
Where is your God? Where is your God? Where is your God? ...

Do you really want?
Do you really want me?
Do you really want me dead?
Or alive to torture for my sins?

Do you really want?
[heart beat, a heart beat]
Do you really want me?
[I need a.. heart beat, a heart beat]
Do you really want me dead?
[you know I gotta leave, I can't stay,
I know I gotta go, I can't stay]
Or alive to live a lie?

Tell me would you kill to save for a life?
Tell me would you kill to prove you're right?
Crash, crash, burn let it all burn.

[ From: ]

This hurricane's chasing us all underground.

You say you're wrong, you're wrong, I'm right, I'm right, you're wrong, we fight.
Ok, I'm running from the light, running from the day to night.
Oh, the quiet silence defines our misery.
The riot inside keeps trying to visit me.
No matter how we try, it's too much history.
Too many bad notes playing in our symphony.
So let it breathe, let it fly, let it go.
Let it fall, let it crash, burn slow.
And then you call upon God.
Oh you call upon God.

Tell me would you kill to save for a life?
Tell me would you kill to prove you're right?
Crash, crash, burn let it all burn.
This hurricane chasing us all underground.

This hurricane...(x5)

Do you really want?
Do you really want me?
Do you really want me dead?
Or alive to torture for my sins?

Do you really want?
Do you really want me?
Do you really want me dead?
Or alive to live a lie.

Running away from the night, running away from the light.
Running away to save your life.

LOVED IT! An artist has written a brilliant song and taken the most controversial subject to make his point- sex!

Sex is natural and we all have our fetishes and kink. We may be ashamed and choose to hide away or be blatant in our pursuit.  In the end, who is to say what is right and wrong or who is? That is the concept of the video I think- "tell me would you kill to prove you're right?"
"who's wrong? who's right?"
from fighting lovers to fighting religions to fighting nations? That is the hurricane- the war- over who is right and who is wrong? Who really ever knows?

Saturday, December 18, 2010


The most difficult battles are the ones we fight with our selves. The biggest fears reside within our soul. The toughest challenge is conquering both!

The greatest success lies in getting as close to that end as we can-

Friday, December 17, 2010

Only time...

"Best you ever had-"

I still remember the day I heard those words- they hurt so bad and still do. A musician has the most beautiful way of stringing together words and we all suffer the same aches really... I just heard this one-

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

Nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had

So you stole my world
Now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely

Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had

And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I
Run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

What was it you wanted
Could it be I'm haunted

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
I don't want you back
You're just the best I ever had
The best I ever had
The best I ever

Clearly you loved him-

"Clearly you loved him..."

Says a friend to me this morning, after I told him of my little cry on the drive to work. He preceded it with an "awwww"..... and then continues with the whole- "don't worry we'll snap you out of it by taking you out and distracting you while we're in the city..."

I never really understood that one- how does trying to substitute one for another really help in getting you over it? When I am hurting over the one I loved, I don't really want anyone else! I could look into a million eyes and all I will see in them is a familiar shade of blue. I can talk to a million voices and all I will hear is that one voice. I can touch a million faces and all I will feel is that one touch...

I can see where my peeps mean well... but at times I think they completely miss what is needed. What I need is nothing. Merely acceptance for where I am- hurting and trying to make my way, blundering through the darkness on a second to second basis. I take it one moment at a time. That is all I can do. I cherish the peaceful moments and try to remember to breathe and brace myself through the tougher ones.

The city gives me peace. It allows me to be by myself amidst a multitude. I am never alone in my loneliness in New York. I want to sit in a cafe and recall my mistakes so I don't repeat them. I want to gaze upon art and understand myself better. I want to dance myself into oblivion lost in the rhythm of the beat. I want to look at the mad, crazy rush of people who bluster past and be still in it and remember what life is all about-

 "Most everything means nothing- except some things that mean everything."(Patti Griffin)

I want to identify those "some things" for myself...

I want to sit in the luxury of the brightly lit holiday elegance that is the vibrant New York beat and I want to lose myself so that I can start to discover me again...
There are two places where I love to be at, this time of year- Paris and NYC. I am glad that I can have that at least... and I am blessed in that.

New York- New York, here I come...
Embrace me.
And bring me back to life again-

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


not this
nor that
not here
nor there
not now
or ever...
not you
or you
or you...
then what?

i don't know?


but maybe if i walked a while
i might perhaps find
something that will hold me still
at least for a little while


Amna- This is not the first time you have compared my writing to Gibrans's. I am honored and humbled beyond words... are the ghost of my indecision...

"Blank Page"

Blank page is all the rage
Never meant to say anything
In bed I was half dead
Tired of dreaming of rest
Got dressed drove the state line
Looking for you at the five and dime
Stop sign told me stay at home
Told me you were not alone
Blank page was all the rage
Never meant to hurt anyone
In bed I was half dead
Tired of dreaming of rest
You haven't changed
You're still the same
May you rise as you fall
You were easy you are forgotten
You are the ways of my mistakes
I catch the rainfall
Through the leaking roof
That you had left behind
You remind me
Of that leak in my soul
The rain falls
My friends call
Leaking rain on the phone

Take a day palnt some trees
May they shade you from me
May your children play beneath

Blank page was all the rage
Never meant to say anything
In bed I was half dead
Tired of dreaming of rest
Got dressed drove the state line
Looking for you at the five and dime
But there I was picking pieces up
You are a ghost
Of my indecision
No more little girl


learning all day everyday-
something new-
planning all day, everyday
something blue-
seeking seeking all the while
something true-

i am a thinker baby
just a lost wanderer
walking alone
making my way
trying to fight
these old blues
i just can't seem to leave behind...

i walked a mile
i walked a day
i walked a year
and then some more...
all the while getting nowhere

maybe if i just sat still
perhaps let go the thrill
seeking mind- then maybe i will
find it, just over the hill

this nameless

i seek


Dear heart-

It takes a lifetime to learn how to live- and we are but babies at life.

I learned a lot this past weekend. I learn a lot everyday. If I will let myself, and not be afraid of the pain, I learn a lot from the pain. The pain is a curtain and once you can embrace and accept the pain, you are free to get past the curtain to see yourself and reality and truth and learning happens quite naturally...

This weekend I learned that I am only responsible for my own happiness.

I tried so hard to make him happy. To be there for him and to love and give. I had nothing to give and still I would take away from me and give. I work long days. I work out after work. I come home and we do dinner, my kid and I and then I get her ready for bed and I do the same and it used to be hard. To make time for him, for "us"- But I still would. Exhausted beyond belief I'd fall  into bed and call...and it was worth it, don't get me wrong. I loved that time with him... but I had none left for me you see. I resented that after a while. I resented the fact that I never had enough of me. To give to the ones I loved and to save some for me. I resented him after a while. Some days I resented my kid, my mom, my job, my life- I resented everything. I was so unhappy. And I never got back in return. I never got him. At least not in the way I wanted. Or thought I wanted....

Truth is, dear heart, I was just unhappy in me. He gave what he could in his way. He gave all he could in his way. That is why I can wish him well and forgive and love...

You see when we love, we sometimes lose ourselves. When love is too intense, the self is lost and blurred. While it may feel great-the rush of it, it is never healthy. To lose so much of yourself in someone that if you let go you would fall. Because you do fall when you let go- And then you become afraid and then you cling so that you will not fall. You have lost so much of you that now you feel like you need the other simply to live. And then you try to use them to fill up what you have lost. And then you try to control and to own them because you think they are a part of you- you forget that they are individuals separate from you with their own identity and needs and their own goals and their own happiness to think of too. And if they try to struggle and point that out- you get angry and you resent them....

That is not love- my dear. That is enmeshment.

A true, robust and healthy love will allow you to be able to stand alone. You will not need the other. You will not fall without the other. You will choose to be with  the other. Every single day and every single moment you spend with them will be a choice. You will choose them above whatever else you could be doing because that is your happiness to make that choice. And in doing so you will not grudge or resent them. Because you have chosen to be in their company- not out of need, and not for them, but for YOU. And you will choose to do other things too- for you because they make you happy. And sometimes your happiness lies in being alone, or without them, or with others and that is okay... At the end of the day- you are responsible for your own happiness.

A true love is a free love. It does not hold you back.

I lost track of it for a while. I tried to dictate my desires on him. I wanted him to move down here. Honestly, why should he? If his happiness lies in something else- that is what he needs to do. I tried to tell him who he could and could not be friends with, and again- who am I to say that? If his happiness lies in something else that is where he needs to be.

I did those things because that is what my happiness lay in. My happiness lay in having the person I love near me, not in a different city in a different state. I tried to dictate that on him. Truth is I just had to accept that. I tried to dictate who he could be friends with because some friends of his compromised my trust. And again, truth is he can be with whoever he wants. My happiness lay in me not being in that situation. I felt I could not be without him. Truth is I could not be in that situation. And I tried to control that situation so I could keep him. But how do you control something out of your control? How do you keep something that cannot be happy with you? How can you stay where you are not happy?

Distance/friends/situations- I was not happy with any of those. I tried to control all of those. They were not mine to control. If I had been wiser, I would have known that the only thing I have control over is me. I was wise. I did realize at times, I just did not know how to let him go- I loved him so. I was so enmeshed. Our lives so entwined, that to be without him felt like death. I had given up so much of me just to be with him that I became enmeshed. He gave up a lot. I gave up a lot. And in the end we lost who we were. And we resented each other for that.

A true love is a free love. It is given freely. And accepted freely. And whatever is offered is accepted and is enough. No more is demanded or commanded. Whatever is offered is graciously accepted. That is when it is a choice love-

I learned that this weekend-
That my first duty is to MYSELF! I am responsible for my own happiness.

And so yes, I understand why my dear love did what he did- because his first duty lay to HIMSELF! I love him in spite of that. He is not mine to control. My love for him needs no ownership. I don't even want to know what he does lately. The knowing just hurts because it triggers an ownership or a desire to own. Questions of him moving on so fast hurt and haunt. Do I love him so he can love me back? Not really. I love him because I love him. I do not know how to UN love him. And I accept that. Do I wish he loved me back? Yes. Can I control that? No. Do I miss him? A whole lot. Can I change that? Absolutely not.

Is my happiness dependent on him? Not really. My happiness is dependent on me. Would it be nice if I had him in my life? Yes. Will my life end without him? No. Can I be happy without him? I am going to try to be happy, with all my might and I hope I will succeed. In time I hope I will get there. If I will take the time to love me and care for me and fill me up on my own, I will not need him or anyone else to fill me up. In that case I will be free to love freely.

That is what I am working on. Freeing myself and filling myself. And it takes a lifetime to do that. I do not need to be in a rush. It is a slow process and requires toil and hardship-because in some ways I have to undo myself and remake myself. And that can hurt at times, especially when I was so entwined in him. ... But it is well worth the effort. I need to untangle from the hurt and pain and discard the bad and keep only the good. Forgiveness helps there. It helps me to untangle and let go of the bad and keep only the good. And there was a lot of good. He was a good man and he loved me. And I loved him back. That is all I want to take along on my way. The rest as they say- is history...

I am a novice- merely a baby at this, and it is a lifetime of learning... But I am walking- taking my baby steps and I am learning....

It takes patience and love and kindness and all must be directed at me. I must learn to be kind and patient and loving towards myself and in time I will be free.

Free to love and free to be me.

When I can learn to love freely I will be deserving of a worthy love- and I hope a worthy love- a free love, will find it's way into my life. What is mine will come my way- It will never go astray. If it is not mine- nothing will make it stay... I am learning to accept that.

So yes, I can say- Go dear love and be at peace. I hope you will find your happiness-

And my dear anonymous- I hope this helped.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

To keep or to let go

So I am stuck in the middle-
Cleaning up my inbox and I run into all these messages and emails and it is just so painful to read through fights and love and loss and yearning. I have sat here and broken down in tears as I read some of them. When it is gone it is gone...And I know...But what does one do with it all?

And I want to say to myself,
"just let go shahnaz..."
But that is easier said than done. How does one just let go? How do you delete time? How do you erase a smile, a touch and feeling? What do you do with words no longer meaningful? Where do you put them? Is there a place that it can all go to? All the words, time, things, music, thoughts....? Where do you put it all?

Monday, December 13, 2010

Monday morning blues...

A little Jack Johnson, a little James Blunt and some residual heartache to add to the usual Monday morning blues.

Learning to live without. Learning to control the urge to reach out and call or write to him.

Some days I wonder, does he ever think of me. Love is love and I can't control- Some gets lost and some gets old... Wish you well my love. Have a wonderful holiday. I hope you find all good things in life...

Friday, December 10, 2010


"this, Shahnaz, is essentially the entire area of control for you..."
"do you see the look of incredulity on my face? i am having a lot of difficulty merely absorbing all of this!"
"yes it is quite powerful to visualize isn't it?"
"powerful is an understatement... i am struggling to accept the visual..."

I love my job! And the fact that I am a shrinky person. And the fact that this means I will always be surrounded by shrinky people. Completely bowled over by the new insights I arrive at on a daily basis-


Pathway to heaven

Angels in my life
I seldom recognize
Constant little treasures
So perfect and so wise...

(My darling daughter sat in the back seat today and chatted up a storm. She gazed at the clouds in the bright, sunny sky and told me she recognized the pathway to heaven...)

Slowly getting to the place where I belong, each day getting closer. I found some solace in myself last night. These games are getting old. The tiresome rigmarole... I need a new guide book, a new set of rules. I started writing them out and hope to put them to good use. Abstractions are wonderful. We can plug in what we like and discard what we don't need.

Again a pilgrim, I smelled the perfume of your house. I saw the black and gold and recalled the magnetic pull that drew me from my bed. You beckoned and I answered your call. Labaik! Into the dark night I came to the lighted threshold of your home. You love me so. And I am so unworthy.

And how long shall I fight in vain? There is no battle to be won. I forgive them all. They did love me and I them, and I no longer hold them at fault. I wish them well. They too deserve their happiness and their earned ration of peace. No more shall I grudge them that. They do what they must and they too have paid their dues...I did not suffer alone. I see it now, the tears that they cried...for them too, it was no cake walk- and yes, they tried.

Go in peace, my dear ones. We walked together once upon a time. You made me very happy and those moments were a pleasure. I can't discount the joy you gave. I can't ignore the laughter. Each and every one of you, at some point in my life, were a treasure...

You deserve the very best that life could have to offer. I wish you well. For ever and ever after-

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Survival and Success-

It is not about how many times you get knocked to the ground, it is the fact that you will get up after each knock and still keep walking forward-

Yes life has knocked me down
Yes I bleed today
Yes it is cold and lonely
Yes I hurt
Yes there is loss
Yes I struggle
Yes I break
Yes the unexpected picture of you moving on can make me stop breathing
And yes, I must bow my head and sit awhile
Down here on the ground tonight
As I contemplate-
Not my defeat,
Not my demise
Not my failure
I contemplate
My strength
My courage
My capacity to love
My pain
No I am not yet ready
To move on
No I have not the strength
To get up off the ground- today
Today, I can only breathe
And that is okay
Today my head is down
But it bows
Not in defeat
It bows in acceptance
Awareness and recognition
Today I am aground
The longer I remain here now
The stronger I will grow
The deeper I will go
The better I will get to know
It is not unfamiliar
This place where I am today
I have been here
Many times before
I used to be scared of it
I ran away from it
I believed that it broke me down
But it does not-
It is a part of my life
If I keep running
Afraid of where I am
I cannot really live
Yes it is true
The statement
"Shahnaz down!"
Here is my home for now
And I shall remain
For as long as is needed
To mend what is broken
To heal what is poisoned
To learn
I shall sit here
Curled up in a ball
Up against this cold wall
I shall get used to it
I shall learn from it
How to survive a fall
I shall be patient
And wait
And bide my time
Until my moment comes
And when it is time
And when I am ready
I shall get up
And move on

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The wizard-

Catharsis- Freud described catharsis as an involuntary, instinctive body process, for example crying...

 During my training at Wake Forest, Gandalf often joked with me about being "really up there with Big Daddy Freud!" It was an inside joke see- my eclectic method of therapy included utilizing the psychoanalytic approach to recover suppressed memories that create blocks in our present lives. There is a lot of pain that is locked in, in our pasts. And we continuously add more to that old baggage with the new "junk" we keep adding and carefully locking in...

Today, in the haloed halls of Gandalf's oak paneled and leather furnished office, I arrived at catharsis. John as is his way- sat in acceptance. Of course before catharsis came the words- "You are a most stubborn, spoiled and impatient woman my dear- and I am surprised that you do not get angry at me for saying this to you!" I do not get angry with John. It is hard to get angry with John. He is so accepting of all of my faults. How does one get angry at someone who sees them all and is okay with them, with you? That is the benefit of unconditional positive regard. That is the benefit of a teacher and mentor who sits in acceptance and makes you realize- it is not his acceptance you need, it is not the acceptance of the world and people that matters...rather, it is self acceptance.

I sat and cried. And in the tears I recognized my stubbornness. I recognized that I talk too fast and too much and too loud and refuse to listen- and I sat in silence after poor John had said, "I wish I had a gadget that if I pressed a button would render you incapable of interrupting me, so that I could finish what I want to say-And I am going to finish saying it damn it Shahnaz!" We both laughed at this. And then I cried. Because he is right.

I do not listen. I have a brilliant brain that processes super fast and before the sentence is even finished by the other, I have already formulated my response and defense and supporting evidence! The other person does not stand a chance at that rate and speed. And few in my life are as accepting and as like me to weather it well. He is one of them. I do it because I do not want to see what they see and know. I do not want to face me. They see me. They know me. And they accept me. I do not accept that part of me. And so in an effort to prevent myself from seeing it, I talk my way out of seeing it.

Today was different. Today I sat with it and faced it. Today I saw it. Today it made me cry. Today I became aware. Today I came at acceptance. Today I was set free so to speak. Today I took a step forward and looked at me. Today I did not cringe away. Today I am flawed and I am okay with it. Today I am at peace with me.

And all the wound up restless energy of the coiled spring that I have been, slowly lets out and releases me...

Gandalf, what a mirror you are to me!

Elizabeth Edwards

I had the good fortune to meet her at a book signing. We chatted for a while. I do not like many people and she was one I admired. We related on a human level, and today I grieve the loss of a fine woman-

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Emotional Cutter?

And while at it, today, I decided to go for a full sensory overload.

I created a James Blunt station on Pandora- and all day today I have just been bombarded with so many songs that are emotional triggers. It started with
-Goodbye My Lover-
And then a little Jason Mraz kicked in along with some Coldplay...
And now I feel my heart strings snip snip with Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars- and it is a live version so it was sung with less instrumentation...
Oh and let us not forget
-You're Beautiful- is on...

Yup I believe I may be an emotional cutter-
Ah fuck it!

Bring it on- Full force- Head on
I shall just take it all in one go-

Let's get this damn grieving over with. Throw on all you've got universe and Pandora- lets get this show on the road...drag me over the coals and be done with it so I can finally move on...


So I have eaten a giant muffin in addition to breakfast, schmoozed and laughed, charmed and flirted, done my work, decided not to study for the damn boards... and I just can't seem to get it out of my system- this restlessness I feel inside. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have not worked out in two weeks... or at least that is one contributor. Another is the fast approaching boards...regardless-

I want...and I don't know what it is that I want. I know I crave something with all my might, with all my heart and soul I desire- something. I just don't know what that thing is. I have not found it yet. When I do I will be content. I would like to say I am seeking my destiny, and that I have yet to discover it.

I am a restless wanderer- like Viane in "Chocolat". I hear the restless wind call my name. I am drawn to a stormy ocean with a magnetic pull that is hard to deny, because I identify with it- the elemental turmoil reflecting my internal one. I want to stand at the top of a mountain and scream out my lungs and feel small and insignificant beside the majestic rocky mass of the cliff face and sheer drops.

I live on a daily basis but I am jaded I think. My life is too dilute for my taste. The flavor dulled and common. Like drinking wine when what I crave is ambrosia. I am surrounded by common, mundane... I crave more. My evaluative standard is different than the everyday- Like Plato's Cave-

I am stuck in a cave with cave dwellers who see shadows cast on a wall by objects and that is their reality. The are awed and enamored by images and reflections cast by unreal objects and they gasp and clamor in rapt jubilation and call it LIFE! I sneer in disgust at those shadows. My inner voice a keening wail- because I have known the reality beyond the cave, outside the cave... and these shadows are not life-

I want to jump out of an airplane today and free fall- plummet down- just so I can feel the rush of life. I want to run until I can run no more, run until I either find myself or lose myself. It is an existential dilemma of a day today-

Monday, December 6, 2010

Meaning of life-

"he who has a why can live with any how..." (Victor Frankl)

why?- because it is worth it
how?- i shall find a how...


Immersed myself in it today
I was frozen in panic for just a moment
I played the song that pulled my heart
And then slowly ripped it to shreds over and over again
And I stood by and watched
Letting it wash all over me
Felt the weight of it all
Start to pull me down
Felt the heaviness
Settle into my very soul
And there was a stillness
An acceptance
A beauty even
Dignity in the agony
And for so long I have run
Run from it all
From love
From hurt
From pain
From fear
But I am tired of running
And so today
I just sat still
And I let it wash over me

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Thank you my friends

"you gotta go through some rough times
but they make you stronger
pain means you tried for something...
it is honorable in a way..."
(lolly to me...)

and i fall apart-
and let the pain pour out...

you're beautiful're beautiful to me
and i don't know what to do
'cos i'll never be with you...
and i don't know if i'll ever see you again
but we shared something true
even through all the lies and the bad
that for me will last
to the very end
and even though it hurts like hell...
it's time to face the truth
i will never be with you
- - -

tidal wave

your face when i closed my eyes
you lips when i breathed in
your love when my heart beat
and i let the music take me away
i gave in to the pull
i knew the consequence
but the honey of the memory of you was so intoxicating
the yearning for what used to be, so divine
it sucked me within
and i felt the rip tide
ration and logic stooped to caution
emotion tore free
and then it hit
like a tidal wave
the yearning and the pain
i could not breathe
and it felt...blissful
this gasping, aching, tug
i succumbed
ready to perish in the throes of it
if only i could pass like this
in my mind the image of you-me
entwined in passion
love- like it should be made
completely lost in each other
YOU the only one i have done that with
and so it came and so i drown
reaching out to grasp
at glassy surface-even as i slip...
so i can hold on
and not give in
to the temptation to reach out
to you
in vain...
tidal wave
crashed down
on me

Thursday, December 2, 2010

them and they

sit atop their high horse
and pass judgement
on all who they encounter
i've seen them all falter
been there when it happened
and today they act
so self-righteous
i laugh out loud
i am flawed to the core
made all the mistakes you can think of
don't want to be your saint
i am not your martyr
just want to walk my way
to the tune of my own drum
go away
with your shrill voices
those who preach
what they can't practice
so quick to point a finger
yet too cowardly to own
their crime
i see them all


My Wednesdays are good days when I spend some time in the company of Gandalf. I adore my mentor and he is a very pivotal part of my life. I sat with him yesterday, as always, a whirlwind of energy. Frenzied and intense and passionate in my thought and articulation. He as always sat still, a perfect foil to me. Subconsciously, I am always aware of the contrast and it soothes me. His stillness. His office. The serenity. The leather and wood paneling. Him...

He talked to me yesterday about my exquisite gift of energy. The fact that others will be attracted to it, envious of it, desire it, and then seeing the tears in my eyes- he also acknowledged the burden of it. I cried because I felt like it. I cried because it was the truth. It is joyous and exuberant. It draws people to me. They come. They stay. I struggle within the confines of closeness because the energy threatens to overflow and break free. It wants to overflow and break free. It is like trying to put the lid on a pressurized container. Me. That is what I am like. That is what it is like to be with me. They make promises that they can handle it, but they cannot really. Once near they want to tame it and contain it. I am owned and managed and handled and for a while I comply but it is a struggle. I am chastised, and criticized. But it leaks out. And I am given the option that if they must remain close I have  to be subdued. I must be contained. I am not happy contained. I am happiest free. And then the burden of energy is that to remain with them requires that I be tamed. Or lose them. I keep losing them. My near and dear ones. because they cannot keep up with the energy.

And so I cried. Because of the passion, the anger, the restlessness, the confusion, the torrential constant output that the energy is... And I am it.

He let me sit. He let me cry. He let me fix my face. And then he noted...

"Slowly and steadily, Shahnaz, you are beginning to settle into your energy. And I can see it. And I know that you know what I am talking about, because you have quieted down now. You have been blessed with exquisite beauty and energy that is not just external, and slowly you are learning how to settle into your energy and you will learn how to live a loving life."

One day- when he is long gone. It will all make sense to me. I will turn a corner one day and it will hit me- the AHA moment, and I shall see it, the truth of his words. For he too was once like me and look how he is settled into his energy. I see it, smoldering comfortably, and that is why I gravitate to him. That is why he is patient. That is why he understands. And then he said...

"Yes I too have been there. And in your company I see again the importance of the settling. The value of it. And slowly but steadily, you are getting there too..."

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


Euphoria- feeling of happiness, confidence and well being
Ecstacy- a state of emotion so intense that one is carried beyond self control and rational thought
High- increased feelings of well being a heightened and more intensified experience of sensation

The moment the weight falls off and the ties are cut
The exquisite awareness of the rush of freedom
The carelessness of desire sans regret
The anticipation of the fulfilment
The hunger
For touch
The warmth
The taste
Of salt
On your skin
The honey sweetness
Of your lips
Eager to taste mine
The rush of breath
In rhythm with mine
Our bodies entwined
Animal instinct
Taking over
Total abandon