Thursday, May 29, 2014

Free bird


I was looking through my mothers books. She a university professor in Kampala, and me a tiny seven year old...

I stumbled upon this poem. My heart stopped. I "got" it. This woman had put into words, a torment I was just beginning to feel. Many decades later through enneagram work, I would begin to understand the source of my inner torment- the bane of a 7 existence- 
the desire for FREEDOM!!!

Unencumbered, unchallenged, limitless 
... F R E E D O M ...

Through the years I read and re-read it over and over. Yesterday, my heart stopped again. The woman that put words to it was gone, and that news was crushing! To me it was...

You see along the years, she was familiar to me, known to me, she got it- and never for a second did I stop to wonder that I did not know her- of course I knew her, she was with me everyday, in the many readings and layers and flavors that wordsmiths become a part of our lives.

Yesterday, I could not post about this. I was grieving...

Today I am sad.

I am also elated-

As I read it yet again, I realized that I resonate not with the caged bird but rather the free one! It was a quiet epiphany, this one...

I finally have found my type 7 freedom-
I comforted the little child me who was torn apart by the many layers of controls that are the agony a type 7 child endures. For that I am grateful to two men- Russ Hudson and Michael Naylor and the fellowship of my enneagram community.

I also realized that my sweet type 2 daughter is presently suffering her own type 2 captive struggles. 

I write this piece for her... My sweet Bug-
I want her to know how strong she is, and how completely beautiful, both inside and out...
I want her to know it will be okay. She will prevail over adversity. 
I want her to know she can find her own way and that she should trust herself. And most of all I want her to know that I love her endlessly, and unconditionally and that will not change.
I want her to know she comes from a long line of strong, bad ass women! Women who are titanium. 
I want her to know those women
Me
My mother
My grandmother
And all the women who influenced us
Women like Maya Angelou 
Women that inspired
And mentored 

I want my Bug to resonate with the free bird- sooner rather than later...
I want my little Bug to fly!

I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings

The free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

Friday, May 23, 2014

Cleansed

There is a joyfulness in the air
I am cleansed
I faced the heartaches
And the fears
I faced the failures 
And defeats
And arrived at the place
Where I am
Simply me
---
I am reminded of the beautiful words
Of a beautiful man
"I do not need to prove anything
To anyone...
Including myself-"
Gandalf's words
---
And today
Many years later
I understand
I am slowly getting to
"A quiet mind"

There is a joyfulness in the air
I am happy 
I am here-

Saturday, May 17, 2014

I am my life

I chose
Each moment
I chose 
My life
I chose 
My heartaches
I made 
My happiness
I am
And only I am
My life

Banana Pancakes...

This one's for the guy that put the smile upon my face every time I cried-


For loving me all these years 
For standing by my side
For your patience
And understanding
And endless compassion
For your acceptance
And tenderness
And for letting me be fully
And freely MYSELF!
I love you endlessly...


Sunday, May 11, 2014

Healing-

I will rise!

Thursday, May 8, 2014

In the end...

In the end
This is what mattered
I tried my best
I loved truly
I believed
I followed my heart
I kept hope alive
I had courage
I did not blame
I spoke my truth
I owned myself


Saturday, May 3, 2014

Epiphany

There comes a moment
When you break through the haze
Of fear
The fear of loneliness
The fear of wrongful blame
The fear of rejection
And of shame
The fear that you made a mistake
The fear that maybe you were wrong 
The fear that you self defeat
And in that moment 
A RAGE takes over
Healthful rage
Healthy anger
That informs
NO
NONE OF THAT IS TRUE
You are aware
That you were lied to
And if you are lucky
This wonderful rage 
Will last only a moment
And will be replaced
By endless 
POWER
Power that self informs
To rage is useless
Beyond a certain point
Rage exists to let us know
A boundary has been breached
Beyond that 
Rage is useless
Power is better
Personal power
To self inform
What we must do next 
The power of choice
CHOICE...
I choose to let go
Of you
In doing so-
I WIN!
Win
Me 
Back
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