Tuesday, September 30, 2014

I grieve for Gaza

I feel the lump in my throat
The sting of tears behind my eyes
Even as I try to fight them back
A few pour through
I scramble to find my phone
To blog
Because if I don't
I will break
I will crack 
I will fall apart
Right here 
Right now 
And there is just not enough space
And not enough time 
To do that right this second

And my poor heart 
Told once more
"Hold on"
Holds on
Some more...

It's coming up for me
The tears that I left uncried
The grief that I left unfelt
The horror
The pain
Of Gaza

It's coming up again...

There are faces
Seared in my mind
Living faces 
Holding the dead they once loved
Both the living and the dead
And me witness
And me helpless 

I am a healer
I heal pain
To witness it inflicted
With such cruelty
And carelessness
And a world sitting by
I cannot wrap my head around
That fact 

It is coming up again
In waves
Lest I forget
What I know
What I saw
What happened
What was done

My eyes feel tears
My heart breaks
I cannot
How I feel

I am simply aware
A part of me is irrevocably 
I can only accept

I can only grieve

I can only feel this pain

That I am now aware 
Will never
Be gone

I will find ways to cope
I will hope
And some days
I will laugh
I will eat and breath
And live and love
But I will do it all
With this pain 
In my soul
It will never be 
I will see SHAIMA 
I close my eyes
And countless more
In my waking moments 
And in my sleep

I will feel the soft skin
And the laughter that no longer rings
And the only thing to keep me company
Is the awareness that is all too real
They are gone
And I was witness to it
I am in pain
And will be until my last breath

My soul weeps for you
My heart aches
The tears fall
Will always fall
For you

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Love and grace

It's a vast wilderness
This space within
I have not visited it in depth
For an age now
There has been a sorrow
Hanging in the air
The residue of a heart break
And of the carnage in Gaza

I shut down emotionally
After that
And there was a giant Gaza shaped 
Hole in my soul
To keep company with
The dad shaped hole
And heartbreak holes
In this old and worn little heart of mine 

I took a chance just the other day
And opened my heart up again
Love gives you wings to fly
The only problem is 
When you are open
It all is possible
And yes even pain
And so just like what goes up
Must come down
The heart that feels
Must feel it all
The sorrow
And the pain
The laughter
And the rain

At the first touch of pain
I felt it again
All the well crafted defenses 
So prudently nurtured
Kick into effect
And start the auto process 
Of shut down 
Once again
This time I took a chance
And resisted
I chose the path of 
And decided for once
Not to be a superhuman 

The storm came and passed
My Bug compared me 
To Nelson Mandela
I smiled through my tears
Sometimes we try
So hard
To show our true self
To others
Who are too blind to see
The real thing

I tried that
I give up
Those that have eyes
Will see me
Those that don't
No longer matter

I am reminded of the words 
Two men spoke to me
The Bear once told me
"Cast not your pearls before swine"
And Gandalf said to me
"My little Persian Princess
Repeat after me 
-I have nothing
To prove
To anyone
Including myself-"

And so today
I wander my wilderness
It is a haven
Full of grace
It is my grace
This is my face
Full of love
And both 
Love and Grace
Are my connection
To my God
After all
God is love
God is grace

I am me
And that is good enough

Friday, September 26, 2014

The storm

The lightening struck
When I got home
The thunder rolled in at the gym
By the time I made it to my car
The storm was in full force
The tears started before my car did
And by the time I was in my garage
The sky caved in
And so it happened 
Right there in that car
The hardest part
The hurt
That you ignore
That catches up 
Before you know
It came in torrents
It came in waves
At first I angered
Then there was protest
Then my plea
And then
When all was lost
And all fell apart
And I was decimated
And at last
I surrendered
To unabashed grief
And the wracking sobs
Had simmered down 
And even the whimper
Had subsided
And all that was left
Was a strange silence 
It found me...
The very deepest core
The very essence 
Of me-
In my darkest moment
It found me
My light
And so it is
Que sera sera
What will be
Will be


When you are trying 
To hold on too tight
What you need to do 
Is just let go
And release
It all
And let the pieces fall 
Where they might
You may just break
A little 
Or a lot
You may just 
Come undone 
But maybe that is 
In order 
To grow
To know
One must first 
The old
And learn
The new
So that 
One may
And walk on
To being
A whole new
Even more authentic
And true 

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

It's just the way I feel... About you!

Your smile warms my heart
Your eyes make me melt
When you reach for my hands 
And hold me in your embrace
The world fades away 
And it's just me and you instead
I want to fall asleep in your world
And find my way into your dreams
Just so I don't miss you
Even for a bit
It's crazy I know
But it's just the way I feel
It's just the way I feel 
About you...

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Turning points

Moments in time
That define
The who
The what
The how 
The when

Turning points
That direct
The next step

Monday, September 22, 2014


I could smell him 
Before I even got there
His fragrance lingered
In the air
What madness! I thought,
My brain begot
And then I saw it
His token of love 
It sat there 
And stared at me
I stared right back and finally 
I picked it up
His breath of love
He knew I would
When he breathed it out
So much more...
Than three little words
Words he could not
Say to me
Yet he left them
Sitting there
Words he knows 
I know too well
Words of truth
Words that fell
Like kisses soft
In the night
Like laughter
Ringing in sound of songs
Words so true
They almost hung
In the air
Like Greensleeves
In refrain  
Justine's voice singing
For kisses in the rain 
So he left them sitting there
So much more
Than three little words

I have no words

I have no words he said
No words to say 
Save all that I've said before 
And perhaps just a few words more

I thought he wished me farewell
And yet he said, "don't let me go..."
Whispered though it was
Hidden well between the lines 

There's fear there I thought
As I read through the lines
Enough fear to cripple the man
And yet no courage to claim 

So I sat and read
And understood 
More even than what was
Hidden deep between the lines

And so it goes
Some come and some go
Some have words and some don't 
Some are fighters some are not

Some live
Some only claim to
Some have heart
And some used to...

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Haq and Hu

Haq- Truth
Hu- is

Reality is multi-layered and varies from person to person subjectively 

Truth is a constant

Happiness and sadness, both are fleeting and momentary. 

Anchor your life to either happiness or sadness and you expose yourself to the whims of externals.

Try to seek reality and you will always come up against the  subjective differences through with perception alters each individual's reality.

Truth however "is".
Truth is a constant.
"Is" is a constant. Momentary but nonetheless a constant. There are an infinite number of "is's" even in a moment. An "is" can stretch for an eternity.

A constant 

In these moments of "is" if you are present and have clarity in your heart and soul and are free from the deceptive workings of  personality and perceptions you will encounter "truth"... Irrefutable TRUTH! Unaltered and untrained by fear, doubt, confusion and experience.

Truth simply is...

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Clean slate

Sometimes the world goes mad  
And war and death are everywhere
Sometimes those with heart
Get their hearts broken
And the pieces scatter here and there

In the carnage and devastation
They look around
Searching for all the remnants 
Of life, of love, of happiness
And they start to gather them up

Those with faith and hope will scavenge
Every last piece from the wreckage
In the aftermath they will sit
With patience and courage
And turn their insides to gold

Like the ore facing the furnace
They will burn for many moons
Suffering the transformation
Enduring the pain
Until it is time to rebirth

Like a Phoenix they will rise again
To another heaven
To a new day
To a new way
To a new hope
To a new love

They will find all that was lost
And it will be even better
Stronger and more refined 
Than what was before
And just like that 
The slate will be wiped clean again 

Thursday, September 18, 2014

The path and the destination

I wondered
Are you the path 
Or my destination...?

What do you mean?

Well, sometimes 
Some people come along to help us resolve... They are like the path 
And then there is the destination.
Are you my path or my destination?
I don't know what I am for you
I just wondered if you are my path
Or my destination.

Can't the path lead to the destination?

Hmmm I hadn't thought about that-

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Love without ownership

It's a beautiful thing
To love
And not seek to own
It is so human
To want to own
So trivial
Almost naive
To seek permanence
Life is impermanence 
It is so human to forget
This impermanence 
To seek to sooth 
The void 
The end
With the illusion
Of solid permanence
It is so strong
This thing called love
It can break down 
All walls
And permanence seeks
To build 
And contain
What has been found
It is boundless
This thing called love
It cannot be contained
In a vessel
Within a wall
It's love
It is a force 
That fights 
To be free
You cannot win 
You must surrender 
To love
It is a beautiful thing 
To surrender 
To love
To embrace 
The helplessness
Of love
To let go
The ego
And ownership 
And walls
Simply let love
And love
And not seek 
To own
Or save 
A little for later
Like manna 
From heaven
Simply know 
It's love
And it will come 
And again 
One must simply 

Tuesday, September 16, 2014


Tonite out of slumber 
I heard him call 
My soul replied
In this world of vampires
And drones
I wept
In what is a dwelling
On my pallet I lay
On hard floor
It means naught
Silver and gold
Jewels they hoard
I seek my lord
And his will
And his work
In the still of the night
He stirs my soul 
My lord

Monday, September 15, 2014

Ordinary Human


"Emotions are something deeper... More primal than feelings..."

Ordinary humans are capable of "extraordinary" when those emotions are stirred.

If you find someone who can stir up something beautiful in you, take you to heaven and back with a look or a kiss, whose smell lingers and whose thoughts invade every corner of your mind, hold on to them. These people hold the keys to your particular heaven :)

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

The warrior

His face is stoic
His body rigid
In his icy demeanor
I can see him still
He calls me goddess
In his gentle eyes 
I see the softness 
He hides inside
On his lonely hilltop
He stands alone
His duty comes first
He cannot forego
Honor his motto
Steady his hand
But I see his heart crack 
A little inside
Yearning for warmth again
Once more to feel

More than words...

His question-

...what would you do?...
More than words to show me
That your love for me is real...

My reply-

Look into your eyes
And let you see my soul
Listen as you speak
Your mistakes 
And not ever judge you
Give you a book to read
Or sneak you off for mint tea
Kiss you in your car
Write to tell you
I'm thinking of you
Hold your hand
Leave my scent lingering on your very being 
Hold you close 
And not let go 
Make you drop your weights at the gym
And then laugh with you
Be here when you come home
Home to me...
Be the place you can call home

Sunday, September 7, 2014

I don't even know why-

I love you and I don't even know why-
There is no meaning or sense to it, 
No words 
No thoughts 
It's a love
That just loves
It can't be helped 
It does not even matter
If you loved me back
I love you
And that is so real
To me
It makes me weak
I don't know why
It spreads through my being
Breaking down every wall
I ever built
To keep love out
And love takes all
All of me
Lets me know
It's there
And there is no 
Control I have over it
All I can do
Is weep and accept
This love
I feel for you
And I don't even know why...

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Love knows

The soul knows before the heart does
The heart knows before the mind will allow it to be recognized
The tongue denies it 
But can't help stating it
So it goes with love...

Love knows 
And wants to be known 

Friday, September 5, 2014


Sometimes you live life without a single memorable moment, and then-Sometimes there is a lifetime of memory in a single moment.

They are etched in your memory forever. 

You smile when you think of these moments and you play them over and over again in your mind and each time it puts a smile on your face...

In these moments you recall being present with all of you- your heart, your mind, your soul... and everything just seems to fit and click and feels beautiful and there is a happiness, a genuine happiness that you feel.
These moments feel almost like a memory because they remind you of something or someone or how you felt when you were with someone. Except that they feel better. They feel better because it's a fresh start. Something new. Something untainted by the hurts and the pains of the past. And they give you hope.

Moments of pure life. Moments you take a chance on being completely happy and actually allowing yourself to taste the happiness that you deserve, instead of letting them slip through. Moments that you never regret because you wanted that happiness. Because it was yours and you opened up to receive it...

Mint tea
And a kiss
A lifetime of memory in a moment

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Life Strong-

I have been in fits of laughter because a certain someone suggested I try to lick my elbow...
The goofy part is I actually tried it and obviously failed but the trying is so much fun and so absolutely ridiculous it's pure joy! At one point I actually went in a complete circle spin trying it. And I was giggling hysterically at myself. I'm not much of a dog person but I suppose that's why those bloody canine beasts chase their tails!

After getting soaked to the skin in the exhilarating thunderstorm today the pure adrenaline rush makes me feel completely and intensely alive. The exquisite experience of the rain on my skin was as beautiful as life can get. 

Between that and laughter there isn't much more my soul could want...
My Bug's soft kiss goodnight, a smile on my face, and pure joy in my heart- 

There's Strong
There's Army Strong
And then there's Life Strong ;)
I think I'm getting to Life Strong 

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

One last glance

It's a funny thing,
This heart of mine...
It goes for the same thing 
Every time-

I laugh to myself
As I see it unfold
The same road
I've walked down before

And then just like that
It's lost it appeal
My latest fad
Just lost its shine

How interesting to behold
That old pattern
Run through so fast
And I can almost see each stage

And then in a blink
The trance breaks
And I am awake
And I see how futile is this thing

That for a second
Holds me captive
Like a drug
It's a rush-

Only now I'm smart...
I smirk
And turn back for one last glance
And then just walk away

Monday, September 1, 2014


The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.

Friedrich Nietzsche

The struggle is real-
The price incredibly high
But the victory is "Owning Myself!"
And while a bruised and battered soul I am...
Yes sometimes frightened,
And very often lonely
I value my solitude
Know my strength
Respect my choices 
Stay true to myself
And quite frankly the price is worth every scar that brought me to this point!

I hold my head up high
Because I and no one else 
Are in ownership of me